Hash Report - Mar
3
So yes I'm feeling guilty for not getting a Hash report
out last week, but sorry guys, work just got the better of me! In
summary, Shrivelled's last run - live, proved to be an adventure in
hashing! We were particularly psyched out when he and Luke set out
on their five minute head start equipped with climbing ropes and first
aid kits, (which they surreptitiously ditched once they turned the
corner). The initial ascent was tough (too much so for Ashraf
& Darlen), but once the summit was reached it proved relatively
easy going for walkers, and runners too, who had the pleasure of one
more climb before descending the final kilometre through a creek bed.
Shrivelled's goodbye party trick demonstration consisted of stuffing
the end of a condom up one nostril and feeding it down and out of
his mouth - tasteful indeed. (But in light of what could have happened
we should be most thankful!) Aussie Bill, Ilsa and Patrice were christened
Wee Willy Winkle, Hash Mama and Bloody Wanker, with liberal dousings
of Balkan yogurt, which seems to have become the Hash's choice ritual
substance. Wee Willy was in fact so taken with the creamy stuff that
he kept wiping it from his hair and liking his fingers clean - yuchh!
Hash Report - Mar 10
Zoom-Zoom reports: Once again the Tirana hashers
had an excellent and successful outing. We descended on a small unsuspecting
village in our various forms of luxury westernized transport which
raised the eyebrows of the local riffraff. The run started out very
nice for the first 200 meters then descended through a culvert and
into the river. While crossing the river the first threats and grumblings
were heard, directed at our illustrious hare. After the river crossing
the trail was nice again for at least 350 meters of wet sloshing feet
on flat tendered farmland. Then we proceeded up into a steep bramble
patch only passable to very small rodents, or very callous hashers.
After some seemingly useless loops around and through the mulberry
bush we emerged on the top. Bleeding and winded. We assumed (prematurely)
that the trail would lead to the top. Our hare had a different plan
and we continued the trail in a steep descent, down into a
stream covered by undergrowth and overgrowth. We were able to wash
off most of the blood on our trek upward through hell's little crevice.
The trail
led us straight up. Here is where the threats seemed to get more pronounced.
I think I even heard something about someone's mother!! There were
some good spills, falls and bonking on the heads, but the most heinous
part (and it even quelled the aussies) was looking up and seeing the
illustrious hole in the hares running kit!! (can hash cash pay for
a
seamstress?) We dragged ourselves to the top to get a wonderful
view while
fighting for breath. But no time to linger - on on back on trail,
down
around more baffled villagers, then back up on top where the cars
were in
sight. Durrresprudence, on cue, used this time, like always, to get
lost,
while the rest of the runners meandered down the well-marked trail.
Another river crossing then on to the beer. The walkers made their
way in, some seeming to want to sprint? The circle was conducted
(even without our beloved Alkasleezer), while the village kids sat
in wonderment. Our hares (F*ing Beepbeep & Tweenie) were first
dealt with and all the angry threats
seemed to melt away in the pilsner haze? Virgins, returnees, and sinners
were taken care of in the normal fashion. We were informed again
of the Ides of March run in Rome, and the Terry Fox run on April 8th
(now mandatory for all true hashers). The American MLT informed
us all of a
party on St. Pattys day - March 17th, and they graciously volunteered
to
set the trail on that date. Invites went around to all and some of
us even
made it to a nice dinner, good fun was had by all. Enough of my dribble
-
get those forms in for the Terry Fox Run (only 3 ? weeks away!!)
On on, zz
Hash Report - Mar 17
St Paddy's Day saw about 70 hashers searching trail for Spank Me
Hard's shamrock checks out Ruga Kavaje way. As usual, when it comes
to the US military, the trail was a touch on the wimpy side; just
what kind of sissy
hare chooses 4 bridge crossings instead of running us through the
river??? The ups and downs and village scenery were just fine, and
although trail markings were somewhat scarce, both walkers and runners
were back sipping Irish whiskey within about an hour.
After Spank Me Hard and Durresprudence received appropriate praise
for their efforts, Sandros pulled out his bagpipes and wailed up some
heartfelt tunes which enabled Tracey to demonstrate that the money
her folks spent on her Irish dancing lessons wasn't wasted after all.
As virgins included a judge from the Fier courts, the Hashmaster steered
clear of probing undergarment questions for fear (fier?) of being
summoned before her and asked some hard questions about what it is
we do every Saturday.
Nonetheless virgins got their downdowns, as did a number of
others for feats of personal distinction: Tweenie for wearing F*ing
Beepbeep's holey running pants, a visiting Canadian for one sick Irish
joke, Two Woman for haranguing the Hashmaster, Foreplay for having
a rude name (the mucky stuff before intercourse!!), Linda for being
queen of the sandwiches, Tell Me
Lies for her international media appearance (but not in that kind
of magazine!), and one of the chrome dome Americans for lobbying for
a super badass Hash name (Tinkerbell was suggested - maybe he'll get
lucky this
week!). The Hashmaster delved into the lost and found bag and
came up with Sandros missing bra (hmm...) as well as John's big pompom
toque. This earned him a Hash name - Furry Balls, and he was christened
in company of
Entela who emerged as She Bangs. This was suggested by Foreplay, and
no questions were asked!
Then it was sandwiches, more beer, and hanging out in the afternoon
sunshine - nobody seemed in a hurry to head out as long as the
beer lasted, and it did! Hashers then reconvened for the duelling
parties
dilemma. This was resolved by starting the evening at the MLT house
(they may set a wimpy Hash, but they throw a mean party) and following
up with a
post midnight thrash in the Irish pub, lasting well into the wee hours!!
And if you're getting this message more than once - sorry-o!! There's
an evil computer hashbug at work which we're doing our best to eliminate.
ON, ON!!!
Hash Report - Mar 24
So there we were back at the scene of the chili crime, with 110 hashers,
including Special Ed who had taken a 13 hour bus ride from Greece
cause he'd heard we were so much fun! Things were a bit slow
getting started because we simply hadn't planned for such numbers;
luckily Premature
offered up his driver to go on a beer & banana run, and then we
set off on our respective runner and walker trails in the eternal
Illyrian sunshine.
While walkers took to the flats, runners bolted ever upwards on precarious
goat trails, and when they got to the top, down they came again to
try and catch up with the walkers, who by this time were scrambling
the hills and queuing up for the great bumslide experience. All made
it down with various degrees of success thanks to a couple of good
samaritans who hung around, ostensibly to ensure that everyone made
it safely, but quite possibly just to give inadvertent squeezes to
any harriette needing assistance. And once down in the creek valley,
it was time to climb again, up a narrow ridge with dizzying heights
and spectacular sights for all, except for the handful who managed
to discover the shortcut back to the olive grove.
Proceedings were delayed a bit while Hank the Submariner and his crew
made a daring goat trail rescue; but the circle was ultimately convened
and
Furry Balls & Durresprudence were awarded major kudos for both
great scenery and level of difficulty. It was indeed more of an obstacle
course than we have previously experienced, and not the norm, so new
hashers
shouldn't be put off by this - it's usually not this torturous, honest!
In fact if blame has to be accorded, Spank Me Hard get's it for the
previous week's wimpy run which caused the compensation factor to
kick in.
Virgins included Special Ed, a bunch of newly arrived VSO types
(apparently they travel in packs), an English football fan, Jessica's
boyfriend (that surprised a few of the regulars!!) and a reporter
seeking a good story!! They all got their downdowns as did the
bald headed three, after Darlen astutely identified that they shared
the same hairdresser, Big
Daddy for inviting us to his April 5th party (details to follow) and
Meryl Strip for being a most irregular hasher, but nonetheless having
accomplished more Tirana runs (73) than anyone else.
Now being the Hashmaster isn't easy - some hashers are desperate for
names, others want their names changed, and still others want an assurance
that they will never be named! And petty lobbying on these all
important issues isn't confined to Hashing hours; I shouldn't
be complaining though cause supplicants keep buying me drinks ...
Anyway Tom's incessant lobbying nearly paid off, I was quite prepared
to pander to his badass desires and christen him Bloodthirsty Dr Evil
From Hell, but unfortunately,
as democracy is the rule, he ended up with Tinkerbell.- too bad! And
as to Tracey, in a weak moment (see above re drinks purchased) I had
made a solemn vow never/never to give her a Hash name. However,
after consulting
with Durresprudence it was determined that by invoking section 16(b)ii
of the Hash Constitution the Hashmaster was empowered to delegate
naming
responsibilities to Jade Knickers, thereby maintaining an unblemished
personal reputation for speaking the truth. JK, like most of us, had
been entranced
by Tracey's St Paddy's Day Irish dance steps and sadly disappointed
that we were only treated to a glimpse of her many talents, so she
was named Irish
Tease. And for reasons that are best not put to paper we also named
Guxha, Dogmounter and Lisa, I Like it. In a never ending search for
the right christening recipe this week's crew were anointed with a
beer, mushed
banana and egg concoction!
Then we cleaned up the shume bukur hilltop grove, cleared out and
it was back to Tirana for the usual Saturday night carousing.
And yes next week will be my last hash - it's going to be tough coming
up with a more spectacular outing than this last one, but the Hash
elves are
working on it. And if you've bothered to read this far, consider yourself
invited to a post Hash BBQ - check out the attachment!
Hash Report - Mar 31
So the ex Hashmaster's final outing took us to a mountain pass east
of the Elbasan road, up to an alpine meadow never before graced with
the Hash's
presence. Runners started out on a steep downwards trail to
the valley
below, while walkers ambled off along the hillside. Once runners got
to the bottom, as there was only one way to go, up they came and joined
the walkers in time to head downhill again. Then it was up, and higher
still,
until we found the road leading to the main street of Peshkashesh
village, where we had to negotiate a sheep, ducks and kids (that would
be children) traffic jam, before heading out on the hillside path
back to the starting point. First runners arrived back in under an
hour, and the entire pack was
in half an hour later. Evidently this ease of trail was the Hashmaster's
attempt to atone for the previous week's obstacle course.
The circle started out with the usual batch of virgin introductions
and quickly slipped downhill from there. Bena was named Hashrat for
being the shortest hasher. The most recently named I Like It was reinvited
to the circle to stand in for Jack Byrne. Earlier in the week Jack
had regaled the Hashmaster and I like It with tales of a NYC water
conservation campaign (If its yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown
flush it down!), before moving on to complaints about asparagus consumption
making his urine smell funny! As he was away this week, and this was
the Hashmaster's last hash, a quick consultation with Durresprudence
confirmed that a proxy christening was indeed within the bounds of
the constitution, and I Like It/Jack, emerged as Mellow Yellow. The
lively short term Dutch woman whose real name isn't Marie was christened
Boom Boom because we just happened to have a leftover hash shirt bearing
that name. In the best of Hash tradition she peeled off not one but
two tshirts to display her lavender lingerie supported cleavage (no
sports bras here!) before proudly donning her new TH3 shirt.
The departing Hashmaster then brought in Two Bees who had recently
been wheeling and dealing to form a Hash committee and Premature,
the newly
acclaimed Hashmaster, and turned the circle over to them before graciously
bowing out. If only it had been so simple! Despite his unrelenting
efforts
on behalf of the Hash, Alkasleazer was then forced to endure a dousing
of whipped cream, ketchup and assorted other condiments before being
allowed to chase Tell Me Lies around the circle and strip her shirt
off. There was also something about a new name related to the infamous
chili incident, but as I had an earful of ketchup I didn't quite get
the details. Spank Me Hard proved to be the only gentleman in the
crowd and presented Alkasleazer with a bottle of rye whiskey on behalf
of the MLT group. Then it was sandwiches
and cinnamon buns, before heading back to town for partytime!
Most of the crew showed up on Alkasleazer's rooftop that evening for
more nonsense as well as BBQd mish and peppers, washed down by an
overabundance
of liquid refreshment. The dancefloor was hopping with Ghost Mistress
on DJ and handcuffs duties, while Alkasleazer and Spank Me Hard spent
the evening relentlessly competing for Durresprudence's attention.
As to the rest of
the gossip, well you'll just have to find out for yourselves.
So that was my last Hash and this is my last report. I'm soon outta
here, it's been fun, and if I owe you money or made you outrageous
promises you can always contact me at my personal email address: marshapr@yahoo.com. ON
ON & OUT!!!
