Part of this page is to show you viewers my family and friend's current pictures. The other part is more unnecessary nonsense.

Here's our little boy, Battered Seal, all growed up. He grew up wanting to be a dinosaur. Since his retarded phase has finally passed, he decided to be a respectable part-time mall rent-a-security guard. His other job is fat model. He shows off clothes for Ahmed Zihad Ghaki's Big N Tall. His hobbies are God damned comic books, fucking his fist, taking naked pics of himself for Bigfoot, junk food, and president of the Jason Alexander post-Seidfeld show. His most common quote is: "Stop making fun of me, Dad! I love you! Why are you so mean to fat people and geeks?"

Oh, God. I look old as dirt, but sexy as a Kennedy. Cigerettes keep me young, I tell you! When I was younger they made me look older and sophisticated. Now they make me look young and gangster-like. I think in this picture I was probably kicking ass. You know.. some punks try to mug you, but you throw up an elbow, and it's all over. They take everything and beat you senseless. Being old fucking sucks! And I can't rely on my son for my safety because he grew up to be a D&D loving, lazy ass, nerdy pussy!

Here's me and Muk Muk nowadays. Damn we got old! We're on the same bench from the first page, but now we're done talking about fishing. We're talking about fisting.. Or my prostate.. but not fisting my prostate. Fisting her. Because I'm not as virile as I once was. I'm lucky to get it up once every three weeks. That's why we look so bored. Our failed attempt at parenthood is over, we haven't filled in our wrinkles with Crest Toothpaste and fucked in who knows how long, and she has quit smoking.

This is my new mistress. Her name is... uh.. I'm getting old.. we'll just call her, Horny Nympho Bitch that has Multiple Orgasms. Anyway, I had to replace Carla Cortez cause she got old..and her age was deteriorating as well. But Horny Bitch is like a God sent. I love fucking her violently...when I can get it up..Damn age! I still beat the shit out of her though. Don't need Viagra to hit a woman.. That's what the tiny penis makes you do. Her hobbies include waiting for me in a box behind the local bakery, getting fucked, getting hit, getting high, and staring at shit. Her common quote is: "What are you planning to do with that tiny, soft thing, Dude?"

This is Squinty Monk. He's practicing the arts..of bagging groceries. Left arm holds bag open as right arm displays an item the customer may want bagged separately. Squinty used to be his brother's enforcer back when they dealt babies. When the theory of stem cell cloning came into mainstream, the brothers became filthy fucking rich. A couple years later though, Su-Long Goote, Squinty's brother, died from a compacted anus. He was hiding cocaine up his ass when he was violently gang raped by a herd of buffalo. We miss him dearly.. But Squinty's well and used his half of the riches to have the buffalos in America put to their death. His hobbies include the arts bagging groceries, bagging groceries, wearing costumes, and killing buffalo-like mammals. His most common quote is: "Herro! Would you rike your remons and rysol bagged separatey?"

Ah my lovely wife, Muk Muk. She is damn ugly now. She was a sweet, cute, and young eskimo girl. Then she had about 15,338 cigarettes and turned into a  trend-loving sex addict. She quit smoking two years ago and started falling apart. Now she's a business woman with an education and hates the idea that I berate our son and fuck other women.. I still love her though. She still does retarded eskimo shit when people take her by suprise. She'll shit in your face before you can say, "Have you ever heard a heterosexual man say 'Fabulous' without trying to make fun of fags? It's just not in the hetero vocabulary." She still hates semen in her hair.

This is Steve Dwarvenbeard. He's got his own page on this site, but all those pics are old. Here's his most recent pic. He finally stopped living the viking lifestyle and took up baby dealing with Squinty Monk after Su-Long died. He became rich and bought out Squinty's share of their business. He's used his money to finally get a one bedroom apartment in the ghetto. Also with his money he has started numerous shelters for battered and raped women. He visits them periodicly to have unconventional, unconsentual sex. Then to get them back into the world he makes them wear hooker garb, have sex for money, and bring it back to him. He became an international pimp and even richer than he was. He now lives in a two bedroom apartment and hates his land lord. He also cleared up them STD's and viruses. He's so rich they had to cure him. Hell, the reason he's had white hair all these years is from the STD's slowly taking his life! In 1994 he was so rich he bought the acronym STD(Sexually Transmitted Diseases) and changed it to SDGY!(Steve Dwarvenbeard Got Ya!). His hobbies are pimping, smacking, fucking, paying rent on time, and holding his side and faking like he's going to die. His most common quote is: "Hey, FUCK YOU! Get over here and pay me or I'll sprinkle some SDGY! flakes on ya!"

This is good ol' Charley. Muk Muk made me get rid of him after we got married. A couple years after Battered Seal was born, I found Charley, and put him back in my basement prison. Six years ago I went downstairs to check on him and this is what I found. Can you believe I forgot all about an asian prisoner being locked up in my basement without food, water, or sunlight for fifteen years? Go figure. But Charley's still there.. Why disturb a perfectly good skeletal pose?

Here's that grinny jap, Oo-soo Crunchy. Can you imagine the worthlessness of his life? No teeth to eat and smile, no neck for his collosal dome, and too slow to steal. What a useless fucker! What he can do is: shit himself, drink baby blood, and wear suspenders. But I heard he did get a great new job. He works for Su-Long again. He's the primary asian in charge of being a racist grocery-store clerk. He refuses to wear their "generation Z" uniform cause it only goes up to 4XL. Fat fucking, rice-slurping, Soviet Union suspender wearing bastard! His most common quote is: "Hhdmm yerr sscrm? Ha ha!"

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