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Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from Peacekeeperchuck, NeuralClone, AnnieBW and chemicalx. And keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Harvey,
How dare you advise B.G. to get a restraining order against me. What B.G. doesn't realize is that I love him. I secretly fantasize him spreading cream cheese on me then licking it off. All my plans are ruined because of you!
I know were you live,
Martha Stewart
Dear Martha Stewart,
Now, if you read the column the other week, you will remember that B. G. would rather eschew cheese. I would instead propose you get a large quantity of chocolate body paint and surprise B.G. where he lives. I have it on good authority that if you disguise yourself as a chocolate bunny, he will not recognize you and take you into his home. Then you can tantalize him with the allure of chocolate as well as your other charms. Assuming all goes well, you will have him eating out of you nether regions in no time at all!
Good luck with you project.
______________________________
Dear Harvey
I just found out I was adopted. Hey, I'm cool with that, no big deal. My problem is with my biological dad. It turns out that he's one of these Evil Overlord types, you know, a Dark Lord of the Sith with the all-black costume and the mask and everything. Anyway it turns out he's keen for me to join the family business ruling the galaxy. I'd made my own career plans; besides I'm not that keen on going into business with a guy who never bothered getting in touch all the time when I was a kid. However, when I said "no", Dad cut off my hand and threw me off a gantry into a bottomless pit! I'm afraid he's going to try and contact me again and renew his offer. What should I do?
Luke
c/- Yoda, Dagobah.
PS. I think I've been dating my sister. Do you think there'd be any problems if I kept on seeing her?
Dear Luke (c/- Yoda, Dagobah),
Why is this a problem? Now I admit, the lopping of the hand might seem a little harsh, but have you ever considered the heartache you are giving him by eschewing the family business? It sounds like the business is quite lucrative. I'd say go for it! Not only will it give you the opportunity to earn a living (and having only one hand may make things difficult), but it will also provide the time needed for the necessary healing and bonding between you and your father.
As for your possible sister, just think of all that you have in common. It sounds like a perfect… *WHAT is it now John? You know you promised not to interfere with my column any more. Can’t you keep your promise?*
*It’s not that, Harve. I just wanted to let you know a little about the dangers of brother and sister mating. By narrowing the gene pool like that you run the risk of amplifying genetic defects because you greatly increase the chance from both partners.* John sat back and folded his arms.
*But look at me John, I come from two diverse gene pools, and look at what it has done. No, I think you are wrong, and you are only talking about Humans. I think the benefits outweigh the risks.* Harvey held his ground.
*All right, I’ll leave you to the column. I was only trying to help, not interfere.* John left.
Regarding your possible sister, Luke, I believe the potential benefits of being with someone so compatible greatly outweigh any possible risk. Go with your heart on this one, you’ll both be the better for it.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I have this friend. We're really good friends, we do everything together, and I've even started picking up some of his speech patterns. The problem is that people seem to think that we're a couple. We're not, but lately I've been having some strange feelings for him. Should I tell him about these feelings? I'm afraid that it will put him off.
Signed,
The Not-Gay Qualta Blade
Dear Not-Gay Qualta Blade,
You may be in a really good position. At this point in time, there is a high probability that your friend is very open to your overtures. I think you will be able to express your feelings openly with this friend and be accepted. Don't waffle on this. I think you should go immediately to your "friend" and not waste another microt.
*John is right, the UT really needs the concept of a minute. It fits so much better with our biological clocks than does microt!* thought Harvey. *Ah, one more letter and then I’m done for the week. I am so glad this has caught on, I was getting really bored and I really do know how to give advice.*
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I'm a single mother, and I've been having some discipline problems with my son. He's always been a bit headstrong, since he's a weapon ship and has this idea that since I'm not, I can't really understand him. At first I thought it was just a typical case of teen angst, but it's become much more serious than that now. He fell in with a captain who has been a bad influence, and now he's blown up other ships, some without provocation, and even turned his guns on me. I'm worried that if I don't do something soon, he will become even more of a danger to others and himself. If he could shoot his own mother, what is he not capable of? Do you have any idea how I can reach him?
Worried sick in the UT,
Moya
Dear Moya,
Boys will be boys you know. (I believe this is an Earth adage I’ve learned from John, but I do feel it fits your situation perfectly.) Talyn is only going through a phase in his development. Give him the room he needs and I’m sure it will all work out happily in the long run. Just learn to ignore the minor glitches here and there.
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