|
Vibe Il Numero Cinco
Describe the grounds and procedures of the Nintendorks Cult.
Nintendorks Cult, eh? Well, I guess it's about time somebody made it
official.
Ok, to begin with, our club attire is obviously blue suspenders with red
undershits. Nintendorks condoms are encouraged, but not necessary. We shall all meet in the Holy Place (Brandon's basement) and try to figure out how we can get a tax-exempt status.
In our spare time, we shall worship the Gods of Nintendorks: Chris, Brandon, Jonathan and Scott. All other writers shall be worshipped on a part-time basis. Also, special holdings will be held to worship the major gods; Miyamoto, Lincon, Yamauchi, and Mario.
Once every tuesday, we shall take a Playstation game of the cult's choice (usually a version of Crash Bandicoot) and place it at the foot of one of the huge statues of Chris Csont. Through the magic of flamethrowers, we shall then melt down the CD in front of Chris' feet as a sacrifice to our Lord and Savior.
To get in, you must pass three tests; the Walk Through the Valley of Pain (all of the cult members smack you on the ass with wooden paddles), the Clarity of Mind Test (where an inductee must remember the exact number of Vibes there were, and who won them), and the Smacking of Wooden Paddles on the Ass (see the Valley of Pain test).
Our Bible is still being worked on. Right now all we have is, "Thou Shalt not speak badly of pornogrpahy", and, "Thou shalt not own Playstation, lest ye be devoured by the X."
Yea, it is good to be in the Nintendorks Cult. But now you must leave, outside, lest we sic the X on you! Begone!
X: Booga booga booga! -El Luchadore Magnifico
Survivor: Ahhh! Someone kill it!
hylien007: You lose points for quoting The Simpsons. Not that I don't like The Simpsons, but think of your own ideas, or at least steal Nintendorks-related ideas.
PMBorisStoke: That's just plain stupid.
Morts2005: You suck.
Goober: I, on the other hand, find a good Simpsons quote enjoyable. I am unsure what you mean by "Nintendorks condoms are encouraged, but not necessary". I think it really depends on what we want to use them for...
it wuld be a neat little society. we wuld start off by saying grace and
then we wuld pick up sticks and swordfight! after that we could drink some kewl poison stuff and lay on bunk beds and pretend like were dead. we'd make little voodoo dolls things and stab them in the face!!! then we could burn them!!! and then we could make one of brandon and worship him. brandon is cool and seckzy. after that we could all dance around a fire and then smoke a peace pipe while chanting "nintendorks are cool! we are winners and own you all!!!11". itd be really fun and we could have a little snack table and serve some spiked punch or something. maybe have some of those little mexican cake things? those are good. how about a fountain drink dispenser? maybe a dj so we could dance or something? i dont know. i thought it sounded good
oh yeah and you could be initiated by playing foozball with each of the people in the group and then having a pillow fight!
we would have fun and itd be a cool cult! what do you think,? -Dustglade Knight
PMBorisStoke: I find it funny that this not once mentioned video games and that you remind me of a Lutheran.
hylien007: Does this come off as a little newbie-ish to anyone else?
Goober: This is all fine by me as long as I get the top bunk...
WDIIA: Hold it Stoke! I'm Lutheran! Commie!
*sigh* Chimp is gone, so I guess I'm the only source of goodness here
now... -Morts2005
PMBorisStoke: Let us mock Morty for sending a UDRC to the Vibe. Only source of goodness? Pah! You're not half as intelligent as The Chimp!
hylien007: Yeah, we all know that Chimp leaving makes me the funniest staff member.
Survivor: And me the smoortest! ~dances~ I'm so smort, I'm so smort, S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T!
hylien007: Further proof that I'm the funniest remaining staff member. Then again, my most recent comparison has been against Survivor...
PMBorisStoke: I think we should just let the magic 8-ball decide all of this. ::shakes magic 8-ball:: It says I'm the best. What'da know?
Morts2005: Damnit.
hylien007: That magic 8-ball is rigged!
Survivor: Rigged with love.
Goober: How come no one screws up and sends Vibes into the DRC's?
WDIIA: Come on Stoke! If your the smartest, answer that one!
PMBorisStoke: Ha! The Vibe entry form is just first. Some people don't pay attention and just type into the one that is first. That's the answer! Take it!
hylien007: He's right.
WDIIA: Samn.
hylien007: This site really needs more Vibes. An accidental DRC was included in the Vibe. That's just sad. Then again, I'm the one updating, and I don't appear to be taking it out. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
I don't know if you guys realized this, but there already is a Nintendo
Cult. It's based on the premise that Nintendo is good, and everything else sucks. They update semi-regularly, but due to the fact that don't want to pay server fees, their site keeps shutting down. The main guy there is named Brandon, a poor torchered soul who has to put up with the likes of me all day. What is this cult, you ask? Why, it goes by the name Brandon's Craaaaazy World -o- Fun That Can Be, But Does Not Necisarily Have To Be, Called Nintendorks! -Amazing Cap
hylien007: This Vibe wasn't my idea. As I've said before, I completely agree that it already is a cult. Blame Morts. *glares at Morts*
PMBorisStoke: Do I have to flash my list again? It's not a blasted cult!
WDIIA: Acourding to CNET it is!
Survivor: CNET is what I use to catch whales.
Goober: I like the part where Brandon is a poor, toruted soul.
PMBorisStoke: Toruted? Toruted like a fox.
Survivor: Like a sexy fox.
I wasn't going to send in a UVibe this time, because everyone was tired
of me winning and what the hell that sucked. But it's been around so long now,
I can't help but feel I might as well send in a little something.
The Nintendorks Cult is a quiet following of several hundred fanatical young
men, and perhaps three young women. Each May, they devote three consecutive
days to assembling on the sacred grounds of the Electronic Entertainment Expo.
They wear masks of Mr. Face, so that no one will recognize the other. Just in
case the police pull a Waco and try to take us them in. No one knows for
sure who else is a member of the Nintendorks Cult.
The Nintendorks Cult is incredibly active along the internet front, yet physical
contacts abound as well. The members are united in their love for the entity
known as "The Nintendorks", which is made up of several people: Ryan Zillmer,
Brandon DeHart, Matt Davidson, Scott Delbango, C.J. Mittica, Eric Denney, and
others. Most persons from the Nintendorks Cult have never actually seen those
in whom they profess to believe, but they read the Nintendorks' writings
fervently and devotedly, and do their best to follow in the Nintendorks'
footsteps. When a member of the Nintendorks Cult actually does have the
fortuitous occasion to see a Nintendorks staffer, spontaneous ejaculation
usually ensues, followed by a period of awe and silence. If the Nintendork
staffer in question so decrees it, the Cult member may sit quietly and observe
the staffer in his ethereal abode - usually a hotel room. Mocking usually is
not long in coming from the Nintendork staffer, but the good Cult member knows
that this is just a test and will forbear it. After the Cult member has
finished his encounter with the staffer, Nintendork condoms from heaven usually
start falling. That, or rain. Or sunshine.
There is no secret handshake for the Nintendorks Cult members. They can
recognize each other in person solely by the mad gleaming of their eyes that can
come from nothing else but the love of Nintendo and the joy of Brandon. -Jai Deliete
hylien007: Unfortunately, this is the best Vibe by a landslide. I refuse to vote until someone sends another Vibe in. A better one. Jai can't win AGAIN!
PMBorisStoke: Mayhaps John Cusack will send us a little something.
WDIIA: We're stopping Jai from winning? What a tangled web we weave.
hylien007: We're not stopping him from winning. We're just waiting until he's been stopped.
Survivor: Didn't you tell me to hit Jai with a truck the next time he sent in a vi... ~foot gets stepped on~
Goober: I didnt even know it was a contest, I thought we just gave them to Jai all the time and had the competition to prove how bad everyone else is.
Back in "the day", for all you old fogies, there was a site called the
Nintendo 64 Underground. They were irreverent, they were hilarious, and they
attracted a wealth of fans. People embraced traditions like Mr Face, kept up
with all the in-jokes, and always looked forwards to the DRCs. Nintendo love
was profuse, and flowed through the annals of the site like wine. Twas a golden
age, it was.
But then things started getting out of hand. When the Dorks went down for an
extended period of time, some fans simply couldn't deal. As the old saying
goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Many fans became obsessed, and the
Nintendorks Cult was born. This cult can be separated into four distinct
factions.
First off, we have the Name Droppers. These particular cult members manage to
mention Nintendorks in pretty much every conversation they have, pointing out
all the occasions in which they were somehow recognized. If one of these people
are ever featured in the DRCs, I can guarantee that you’ll never hear the end of
it.
Then there are the people who somehow managed to memorize every single in-joke
ever used on the site, and bring them up repeatedly in an attempt to look
“cool”. Let’s call them the Citationizers, solely because I can’t think of a
name that doesn’t suck. Riding a damn horse, Mr Face never being wrong,
containing 100% penis, etc. While jokes are all well and good in passing,
trying to keep them alive for years just becomes pathetic.
And there are the always entertaining Brandon-Lovers. “OMG BRANDON UR TEH
KEWLEST I LUB U LOLOLOL!!11!” Some people seem to have elevated Brandon to the
position of a god, and most likely have personalized shrines to him in the
deepest recesses of their rooms. Name Droppers often times fall into this
category.
Finally, we have the Posers. They try to emulate the Nintendorks style of humor
- they really do. Unfortunately, they usually come off as cheap imitations.
The jokes seem forced, the repetition gets tiresome, and most competent
Nintendorks just feel sorry for them. They’re usually the result of a newbie
trying to fit into an already well-developed society, though they can also be
the result of an ambitious Citationizer.
The largest similarity between all of these factions is that they don’t
understand the Nintendorks spirit. The concept of the ‘Dorks is so simple that
it often times eludes people. It’s not about keeping up with the latest slang,
it’s not violently trying to get mentioned in the DRCs, and it’s not even about
trying to be all that humorous. If Nintendo games give you that fuzzy feeling
deep down inside, you’re already a Nintendork.
Let’s just leave it at that. -The Chimp
PMBorisStoke: You didn't even describe a cult. I do like the names for groups of people, however, not everyone fits into one of those categories (including you) and so your list is faulty.
The Chimp: Did you miss the point? Of course not everyone fits into a category. That's because the cult is a BAD thing, composed of the crappiest parts of the Nintendorks community. We have the Nintendorks, namely the people who DON'T fit into that list, and then the Nintendorks cult. And the cult is the part that needs to be eliminiated. Bah... I'm wasting my breath. Wait a second... I don't even work here any more! What the hell am I doing!
PMBorisStoke: It doesn't matter what you're doing. You cleared it up and now I like yours....sort of.
hylien007: Bah, it matters not, as your entry was gold. PURE GOLD. Now get back to your very important task of being dead! By the way, why don't we change our passwords when staff members quit?
Timothy Dalton: What is this madness? A ghost that I see?!
Survivor: Get the vacuum!
WDIIA: Aieeee! *Faints*
Goober: That was way too good. Seriosly good stuff shouldn't show its face around here.
hylien007: That's precisely why all the good staff members quit. *leaves*
|
|