Screw
Up
The
month just started but already things started to get screwed up…
I
plan to pursue a career in web designing and that I am to start
building my portfolio by doing pro bono jobs. One of my targets is the
artist/poet/musician and now a doctor Annie C. since she is a close friend.
We talked on the phone and she agreed to give me the commission to making her web page, even offered to pay. I declined being first,
we are
really close friends and that I really don't know how much would I charge. I
thought I figure that out when I get a client. She insisted and we settled
to her buying me dinner and some chitchat over Greenbelt, Makati. Boy, does
she have a story to tell. Well, she meet this really good looking, or so she
claims, guy. She said this guy is so perfect that his too good to be true.
Indeed, it was too good to be true as it turned out, when they were to do
it… the guy has problem with getting and staying erect…
Anyway, we set the meeting last Monday (January 31). There she would
give me the files I would need to make her web page—text, her works, her
poems, pictures, etc. The thing was that I hadn’t had money, not even for
a cab. Yes, I know she said she was to pay but then… Well, it would be
polite to offer to pay still… or at least, pay for the after dinner
cocktails. I tried to get out of it when she called but then she insist of
meeting as she rushed compiling the files and that she already have with her
the soft and hard files that I would need. Now, I was still hoping I would
be getting my allowance that day, so I said I'd try to make it. She said I
should for she would be going home to Pangasinan already the next day.
My allowance didn’t come through…
Screw up.
My mom said she already sent it (via door to door remittance service
as she always does) Saturday night… as I’m writing this (about 8:30 PM
according to the wall clock) the money hadn’t been delivered yet. Urg!!!
Anyhow,
in my present financial inconvenience, I came to decide about something. No
longer would I go out of my way meeting other men, taking my chances to find
myself a boyfriend. Well, this is because I think I found someone already
who I would not only want to be my boyfriend but whom I am really attracted
to… Not love… Love is too big a word for me… Who, you ask, is the
lucky guy?
Cutie-cutie Jay.
Then
suddenly, there he was with his head shaven… clear face with dimples on
each cheeks… nice bud… and
a solitaire diamond earring in one ear. “Jay,” he said—That Jay whom I
meet with his groupie at Antipolo (Single
Joins Groupie), the same Jay who I found unexpectedly chatting over MIRC
(Small
Town, No Show).
Remember
that when we chatted, I found out it was him when I asked him for his
picture and gave me his picturetrail account (www.picturetrail.com).
Now, I didn’t say as I thought it’s utterly embarrassing but I saved his
pictures into a diskette and now… I stare at it every night just before I
sleep. Damn it! He is so cute!
Yap,
I’m so crazy about him… I don’t want to admit it… but I know I am…
The
thing was I got scared… threaten… Scared that he doesn’t want me and
rejects me outright… threaten as to admit it would be giving him power
over me… Plus as I said I’m crazy about him and I don’t really want to
be crazy… sure, I do engage myself to doing some crazy stuff but this is
different. With this, I have no control over it. I couldn’t just stop when
I want to… I could just hope… And hope always get the better of me and
drop me most of the time to get squash…
So, I went hiding my true feelings… guising it as a mere joke…
Could you blame me?
I was to abandon the thought of ever seeing him again… I went
meeting other men, sleeping with them… but then… you see how things
worked out with some of the men I met… and I haven’t been telling all.
There were a lot others I’ve met and was really horrible. One of the
things I really hate is when I meet someone who is totally not my type but
then I choose to be polite and nice while that person have no problem being
rude in rejecting me… I so hated that, why don’t they just smile, do
small talk and say goodbye. Why can’t they be like Jacques (Finally,
A Good One), the guy who lives in San Antonio, Shaw? We know there was
nothing yet we chose to be civil and make most of what we have to make the
meeting worth our while.
But, I guess the thing was getting rejected by this men is quite
okay. It doesn’t do much damage except time and effort wasted. And anyway,
I don’t feel anything for them and that the feeling was really mutual. But
if Jay rejects me outright… even if he chose not to be rude and lay it
down ever so nicely—with sugar and spice and everything nice—it would
really, really hurt a lot.
But then again I think, I would rather be rejected by someone I am
really into…? It kind of makes better sense… Of course, there’s the
hope he might also be in to me and was just too doing and thinking what have
I been doing and thinking…
You
have to give me that… I have to start believing there is something in me
that is beautiful and that someone would want me… I need to start
believing that I’m worth something and that someone could love me… There
must be something… there's got to be something…
I need to see Matt Ang badly!!!
“Didn’t
you say he has a boyfriend?” you asked, my friend… I’m not too sure,
but they attached themselves to each other… but even so, I found
Cutie-cutie Jay in the chatroom. That means they had split up or that they
were having problems… And didn’t I argue before that the best men are
taken and that to have them you got to steal them?
Okay, easier said than done…
But I really like him…
I slept with many men, some are bad, really bad, some are good,
really good… some were rude, and some were really nice… some wanted
me… I should want them back as it’s flattering… I should be thankful
that they find me attractive and that they want to spend a part of their
life with me… And that is all I ask, to be wanted, to be loved, and cared
off…
I thought that was what I wanted… that is all I need… that would
be enough…
But I really want him…
I know I have nothing and that my life is a mess now… But I’m
doing everything to get things working… I’m to do anything to make my
life up right again to have something…
I really want him that he makes me want to be a better person…
Oh, Jay, my Cutie-cutie Jay…
February
2, 2005/Wednesday