And
Now I Wait
Here
is the thing… I went to put all of “Cutie-Cutie
Jay” at cutie-cutie Jay’s picturetrail guest book… yah… I
didn’t sign my name… I just put this webpage’s URL address: www.xanfactor.tk.
So
now, I wait…
Well,
that was what I thought I’m going to do… but then, I just have to text
Neomatrix, a.k.a. Hot Mama—the guy who invited me to that Antipolo
Swimming/Christmas party—and ask for cutie-cutie Jay’s number…
Quite contrary to what I’ve written…
Neomatrix
haven’t replied yet…
What
exactly am I waiting for anyway…?
The
guy has a boyfriend… a rather attractive one… and one who doesn’t emit
even the slightest vibe of gayhood… And
even if he doesn’t have a boyfriend… I don’t call him cutie-cutie Jay
for nothing… I even think cutie-cutie is such an understatement… and I
use cutie-cutie to describe someone with so much discretion. If only I could
show his picture—it’s not if I could, it’s I won’t…
He is so damn cute, what would he want from me…?
Not
even if I managed to untangle my life… I don’t think he’d want me and
I’m just being foolish hoping… Not that I find something wrong with
foolishly hoping… foolishness is sometimes your only chance to want to
live and survive this utterly and frustratingly superficial world…
Actually, I still intend to wait… that is if I figure out and draw to a
decision—which means I have to be amiable with it—what exactly do I mean
when I said I’d wait…
Hmmm…
I
am thinking… not ever shagging with anyone… A rather unrealistic
supposition but nonetheless does it make sense…
Hmmm…
That
would be utterly sad… not getting laid for…
How
long do I exactly intend to wait…? I would like to say for as long as it
takes but then who would I be kidding… I have to put a time frame…
Hmmm…
A
week…?
A
month…?
Oh,
come on! Three months without sex?
Okay…
so I would just have to masturbate… I have to content myself in doing
myself alone…
If
so… here is a question: You see, for some reason… rather bizarre… I
could never think of someone I am really into in such way… in an erotic
way… for some reason, when it comes to someone I am really into, lust is such a dirty word… I feel I’m disrespecting him… It’s
disrespectful… That is actually how I know when I really want to be with
someone… That I’m really feeling something big for someone… I could
not think of him sexually…
So
with that… If I think, fantasize of someone else while I do myself… does
that count as infidelity?
Okay,
so perhaps there is a difference in really doing and fantasizing doing some
one else… It may of different degree but it still is disloyalty… In church,
Roman Catholic Church, we confess that we have sin in our acts, our word and
in our thoughts…?
Anyhow…
I
am to wait and by wait I mean not to look for anyone else or shag with
someone else…
How
long would I wait…?
Two
weeks…
Valentines
is next week… hmmm…?
I’m
going to wait ‘til valentines!
And
here I go again… Valentine blues… Oh well, it may as well be
tradition…
February
8, 2005/ Tuesday