Dying Diary #23

As usual, I was right.

I'm back in Oklahoma, at the house on the lake, alone.

Murleen and I... well, we just couldn't hold together with Erin gone. Erin was the magic, and the magic is gone. And we reached for the magic, and struggled, but without Erin there was just no way it could happen.

Murleen is with her family now, and I hope that she is doing well. She says that she is, of course... but then, she would say that regardless of whether it was true or not.

And me, well, I'm doing OK too, more or less. I'm awfully damned lonely, though. Lonelier that I ever have been before... I had more happiness in a year than most people have in a lifetime.

I spend a lot of time at the bar, watching people drink and have fun. People-watching... waiting for another Erin to come in the door... but I know that it will never happen. I am just so damned lucky that it happened once.

In an amazing turn of events, the Mall where the incident happened decided that they were responsible for me. I had been advised to sue everyone in the world, of course, but I didn't want to do that... I can take care of myself. Then, out of the blue, the mall sends me a check for the hospital bill and said that they will pay for a live-in companion. Is that amazing or what?

Well, I don't really want a live-in companion, but I do have someone coming in twice a day to fix meals, and I can't do any of the outside work yet, so I'm paying a lawn service to do that. And what they're sending me monthly covers that pretty well.

And I am healing up quite nicely. The one regret that I have is that I couldn't stop smoking. But I have cut down a whole bunch.

I'm not healed up enough to fish, though, but I have been out anyway, thanks to some good friends. I enjoy watching people fish almost as much as I do fishing myself.

Physically... well, I can walk pretty good now. My internal parts have all healed up nicely, thanks to some excellent surgeons. My left arm will never be the same, though, but I do get some use out of it... I just can't raise it very high.

My nose was always the main physical feature that I disliked about myself... and it's all fixed up now. It was reconstructed to be much better than it was before, and they did some internal surgery while they were in there and I can breathe a lot better too.

So... most of the healing that can be done has been done. Physically, I'm just as good now as I'll ever be again.

Mentally, it's a whole different story.

I've never lost someone that I loved. I don't like it, not one bit. If there were some way to go back and run over that guy's head more slowly, more painfully, I would do it. The world will not be the same without Erin, and neither will I.

But I'll live.

My Dying Diary #23