Don't Get Too Attached

"Love is like epidemic diseases. The more one fears it the more likely one is to contract it." -Nicholas Chamfort

"Love only thyself, first and last, and it follows as the night the day, thou canst not then be hurt by any man." -Bard of Avon

"I will not fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts." -Bridget Jones

"why can't everyone be more open about their feelings??" -Sarah

To sum up: After writing that last post, I finally heard back from Remington 10 ish, and he came over with a copy of Heathers. We were also going to mess with my computer to get it on Resnet, but it turned out that I had what he'd brought over to put in, and didn't have something else, so that didn't work. We watched the movie...that's a strange flick. Both of us laughed at "Remington University" and debated how love made you stupid enough to kill people with your boyfriend when you didn't want to. On the same theme, I later told him about the Titanic sex scene (he hasn't seen it, I told him not to, he said he should so he can get what I was talking about) and how after it Kate's a fucking moron after getting laid. He asked me if I'd go on a killing spree for him, and I said I'd think about it. (Yes, we're strange.) Oh, it turned out he'd called me a couple times while he was at some bar (only left one message), that's so cute somehow that he kept wanting me.

Oh, and I did tell him that the site I work on involves diaries...fortunately he didn't comment on that. He saw all my diaried entries for here while I was looking on my disk and figured out that those were diaries...I lied and said they were for the other page. Note to self: Hide disk when he's here.

What we discussed after the movie though...is what has caused me to delay and delay in writing this entry. I will get back to that in a minute, get the rest of yesterday and today done with first.

We agreed to get together tomorrow (Thurs.) night when he was done with a meeting. He walked me to the bus the next a.m. (he'd brought his bike over), we were hugging in front of everyone, including that guy I thought liked me awhile back that watched me do artwork. Then the bus came and he watched me as I got on, then looked back as the bus drove away...awww.

Sometimes we are just so, well, like that, that I wonder at how this can't be true love (eventually, I mean, I still don't think I'm in love with him!) or something like that, I mean, it doesn't make sense that it's not and we're like that.

I know, I'm screwed up.

Went to class, then came home and was on the school IRC channel for the afternoon- Remington was on for awhile, but the two of us didn't say much. Our conversation there was basically him saying that three cups of coffee wasn't keeping him awake and my saying awww, poor baby...=) (I'd kept him up talking my mouth off until four). Did chat w/ a personage known as "WormMan" for awhile, he said "So, I've heard that you're cute..." It is TRIPPY being talked about by people who don't even know you. I said that depended on his opinion.

Remington got in the school newspaper again (with a quote!), I sent him an e-mail about it, then we had a little conversation going, ending in him asking me to go out to his farmhouse with him so he could drop off/pick up some stuff there (not overnight visit), saying that he'd really enjoy my company. Awwww. So I said yes...screw studying for that English quiz!

That night I went off to an English club gathering, w/free pizza. I'd invited Sarah to come to it, she in turn invited the boys and Ryan (none showed up, she whined). I ran into so many people I knew I was amazed. Valerie, a girl I worked on the haunted house with was there, and we were talking, when Sarah showed up and well, was her normal hyper screwy self...it was interesting to see the group interaction that occurred...I told Valerie we hang around her 'cause things are always interesting! She agreed. Also, I saw Yamara there with Melanie (from Design 15 this summer), waved at 'em both a couple of times. I e-mailed Remington when I got back that I'd seen her, and later he told me that when he'd gone on IRC Yamara was all "I just saw Jennifer." He got it both ways. In the car ride back I told Sarah a (very) brief rundown of the crucial points of the previous night's conversation, and I said I'd email her with the rest.

Anyway, Remington came over (finally) about 10:30, trying to call a guy so he could go pick up a CD from him. He also checked IRC for him...and while waiting for the guy to show up, started nibbling on my arm...then typed in on IRC "frumple (his nickname, no, I don't recall the explanation) gnaws on fullmoon (my nickname)"- then deleted it 'cause he figured they'd all go "ewww, gross!". Interesting. Oh, and he wound up meeting Megan and Chelsea too...again, more of that later on.

We drove out to the guy's house and then to his farmhouse, then back...not a whole lotta conversation in the car, but he said he was glad I was there =) Oh, and he mentioned a country song (on the radio) that he said made him think of me =)- I think it's titled "Right on the Money" ? I wanted to go find the lyrics, but International Lyrics Server is shut down, dammit! Evil corporate a-holes! It probably reminds me of him 'cause it was playing the last time we went to his house. (He also said that another song ("Soft Kisses"?) did too, but "don't read that from the lyrics, I think it was playing after I left your house on New Year's, and now I think, 'Hey, Jennifer.'")

We came back here and went to sleep, he drove me to school today, and that's all. Sent him an e-mail about Guinness beer, but he hasn't seen it yet, I think. He's not going to L.A. after all, his dad's house on Sat., S.F. on Sun. So will see him Monday. In the meanwhile, I have to go home this weekend and discuss getting an apartment and stuff with the parents. It promises to be a tiring weekend.

So, anyway, to explain what happened Wednesday night to bum me out a bit. I am going to copy what I wrote back to Sarah (I assume that's okay etiquette-wise) as the explanation.

Well, we were having a conversation two nights ago, and he asked me what I wanted out of this. I lied and said I didn't know (see, can't show feelings! I couldn't say "just like this, but your only liking me", now could I?), and he was asking 'cause he didn't want, y'know, anything to get confused and wanting too much or wanting something he couldn't handle, or something like that. Like the ex he had in Chicago got all psycho harasser on him, she called up the SC chickie and told her he was dumping the both of us for ME (then he said that wasn't true =(, anyway, he had to break up w/ the psycho chickie 'cause she wanted too much and was an alcoholic and didn't care about his feelings. I said that I'm not a jealous person, but I don't know how I feel about this polyamory thing, I mean, it's not a huge bother to me right now, but I told him that I don't wanna fall in love w/him and get all obsessed and stalkerish myself and demand that he give up the other girlfriend (I'd rather he choose to dump her himself, y'know, rather than my demanding it), and he said yeah, that would be pretty futile. =( (Mental waaaah) I said I don't wanna like him more than he likes me, been there and done that and despised it. At the moment this ain't a problem though. I asked him why he does this multiple chickie thing and he said it was by accident (I don't agree w/that). I said I don't really like having to explain around why my boyfriend has another girlfriend, 'cause people tell me to go get a decent boyfriend- I forget exactly what he said to that, but it wasn't much. Although he said nobody else (friends, dad) gets why he does that either. They all ask him why he can't be loyal to one chick, he doesn't get why you're not supposed to be loyal to two or more people. The only one who does get it is the other girlfriend, this is normal to her. He said he wouldn't break up with me if I chose to get another boyfriend.

As for his saying in the past that someday he'd quit doin that kinda thing...I asked about this, and well, suffice it to say it doesn't sound likely now. He said he's been monogamous in the past, "and I assume that someday eventually I'll do it again" Then he said something really cryptic like maybe one possible exception or thing he could try or something that contradicted that somehow but I didn't understand it , then he didn't want to say what it was...I was thinking that maybe he meant something good for my side, but then the one thing he muttered didn't sound that way at all =( (No, I didn't get it at all, hard to remember)

Like I said, I'm not jealous, but I wish I could be y'know, so special I'd be the only one he wants, y'know? If I fall for him that'll just bite me on the ass. Right now it's okay but if things go on...

It kinda bothered me when I said something about your car handle not working either (his is broken too) and he said "hey, Sarah and I sound a lot alike, maybe I hsould be dating her." Ugh. Okay, so he said he wouldn't (he's dated best friends before and said that was a baaaad thing...no shit), but still, I don't think I needed to hear that.

(Especially since I've wondered if he'd want to date her if he met her...she is a lot like him.)

Oh, and we've decided to get married when I'm eighty. It's this joke thing I said on newsgroup if people ever ask when I'm geting married, to tell 'em I'll do it on my 80th b-day. So now I have a groom lined up for that uh, special day... "and I already gave you a ring..." He also said that if we were still together in ten years (?!?!) he could see us getting married...this was after my commenting that if I fell for him I might go nuts and want to or something, and he said well, he'd try to keep off his knees then and I said well, I have yet to accept any proposals, hopefully I won't break the track record.

(Why the hell do we keep mentioning marriage here? I totally don't get it. I mean, how bizarre are we? Neither of us actually wants to get married anytime soon, he doesn't even want to be monogamous for godsake, yet we both keep bringing it up! It's sick!)

Basically, except for him having to see other chicks, I'd be doing extremely well instead of pretty damn good. He REALLY likes me. =) He said he's getting more attached to me than he wants to admit... awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!! Says I'm good to him, stuff that in general makes me all mushy...like his saying that he'd really like my company last night when he had to go out to his farmhouse to pick up some stuff (which is where we went last night). Said he was glad I was htere with him when we were going...I mean, we're just all cute and cuddly all the time, he's over most nights...awwwww...I either get a ride to school w/ him or if he didn't bring the car he walks me to the bus... the first time we did that he was watching the bus 'til he couldn't see it any more, then yesterday he hung around smiling at me till I got on , and he looked back as it drove away...awwwwww...

oh, and I asked him what he wants for his birthday and he said "You." AWWWWWWWWWWWWW....so as you can guess we're going to do something or other for his b-day on Mon.

Oh, and he came in to use the phone before we left last night and I left the door open and Megan and Chelsea rush in to get a look at him. they were nice n' polite, and even though there wasn't much to the conversation, it was kinda goofy. They looked so cute they needed a camera for the moment...cutesy posin'. Anyway, when I came back I found "Yeah Jenn" written on my door. I think they approved =)

Oh, one more weird thing: I sorta suspect he was writing about me in e-mail to somebody or other. It's weird to find out that people I don't even KNOW anything about are talking about me (like his ex in Chicago, people in teh school chatline...i guess there I'm pretty infamous... since Remington decided ot ask me out after haivng a conversation there about how there aren't good looking women on the Internet to date and decided to prove someone wrong...or so I've heard from him.). Anyway, he checked his e-mail here when we got back, like at 2 a.m. and I kinda looked over at the screen and what I did see before he shut it off looked like, well...I was having a hard time telling what was being responded to and what he actually said. But the top part looked like something regarding the other girlfriend and the bottom part looked like something about me (I am not going to say what. Only that if I'm right, it sounded as if the other girlfriend was going to get a brushoff?) ..but now I'm damn curious. If this is what I think it was...And now I'll never get to find out what the hell that was!!!

Well, this has gone on long enough. There's probably more stuff to say that I don't remember right now, but I'd like you to get this sometime today!

jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

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