VIENNA, Virginia
According to employees of Vienna-based Microtech Industries, payroll specialist and self-described "people-person" Les Sprouse's personal life is not as interesting as he believes.
Sprouse, who has worked at Microtech since February recently announced a campaign to "let everyone get to know me a little better."
Says Sprouse. "I try and brighten things up and make this a fun place to work, that's all. If that means getting a little personal that's okay. It takes a brave man to talk openly about his inability to get an erection."
Coworkers estimate that Sprouse spends approximately three hours a day educating his fellow employees on the daily developments in his personal life.
Stated frustrated employee Donna Gregory, "Whether he's talking about the health of his wife's cat, his inability to find a car with adequate lumbar support or his ongoing battle with psoriasis, Les must have mistakenly reached the conclusion some time ago that one of us might give two shits about any of this."
Gregory, a receptionist in Sprouse's office, contends that if Sprouse manages to make it to his own desk long enough to check his voice mail before lunch it's a good day.
"Usually," explained Gregory, "he hangs out at my desk for about forty minutes telling me about how it's impossible to find a gift for his aunt and how his wife is frigid. Then he moves on to Barbara in accounting, Mike in sales and if Trevor's in the office they usually talk for a good hour about how the men's room never has enough paper towels."
Microtech hasn't had a problem like this since network administrator Linda Moskowitz spent the entire month of September listening to graphic designer Charlie Tierney detail the intricacies of his dating life.
After spending fourteen hours telling Moskowitz how "the special lady in his life" hadn't called him in two days, Tierney was found unconscious in the company parking deck, the distinct impression of a Pentium II processor and motherboard deep within his forehead.
Microtech employees fear Sprouse may suffer a similar fate unless he learns to withhold the details of his wife's leg waxing practices and stops handing out Star magazine's special fold-outs on 'Flossing Secrets from the Stars.'
Sprouse's supervisor Lewis Ripley stepped in last week, asking Sprouse if perhaps he could focus less time on informing his coworkers every time his wife forgot to keep her ATM receipts and spend more time working.
After this healthy heart-to-heart, Sprouse confessed that their cat Taddles hadn't been his old frisky self ever since her urinary tract infection and that he [Sprouse] was feeling a little out of sorts about it. Seeking solace in the company of his coworkers was his only outlet, claimed Sprouse, every since his bitch wife stopped using real butter when she cooked the pork chops and he just didn't feel like he could talk to her anymore.
"Les is going through a difficult time right now," stated Ripley in a company memo. "Between his cat and his wife and the merciless heartbreak of psoriasis we all need to let him have some space."
Giving Sprouse space is exactly what most Microtech employees would most like to do.
"If he gets in my face one more time about how painful his back acne is I'm going to hit him," admitted salesperson Mike Brown.
"We just work together and there's a line you don't cross, you know?" claimed Brown. "Show me a baby picture. Tell me about your nice vacation. If you'd like to see more of Alan Alda on 'ER' then I'm happy to hear that, too. Maybe. But don't talk to me about your bowels or how much you like cake, or what you think of Pat Buchanan. If you need medication just take it. Don't show me the bottle and note that the potential side effects include cramping and halitosis."
"I just care enough to share," explained Sprouse.
