CONCORDIA, Kansas
Residents of this small midwestern town were left with many questions and few answers, on Monday, in the
aftermath of seven of the cutest, sweetest little kittens you ever did see being viciously devoured by an
enormous beast with like eight rows of glimmering, razor-sharp teeth.
The kittens, whose remains consisted of a few tufts of downy, cotton-like fur and one itty-bitty paw, were
collected by local authorities and placed in protective bags for later study.
The sole witness to the crime, Terri Kapel, described the attacking animal as, a "huge fish-like bear thing."
"It came racing out of the woods at the side of City Park. I shouted for the kittens to run but they just sat
in the grass and licked their paws and made these cute little mewling noises. One looked up at me briefly. I
think it may have made a little hiccup before it was swallowed whole."
"All I saw were teeth, these awful, huge teeth," said Kapel, visibly shaken by the experience.
The kittens, named Socks, Puddin', Whitey, Blackie, Doodles, Fred, and Mr. Sweetie-Face were owned by Meredith
Johnson of 516 Cedar Street.
Speaking on behalf of Johnson, her uncle Frank Carlson stated that the family was
grieving over their loss and Mr. Sweetie-Face and encouraged all community members to be forthcoming regarding
capture of the fish-like bear thing.
"You just never expect this sort of thing [kittens getting eaten] to happen to you," explained Carlson. "It's
always someone else who gets their kittens eaten. I guess this is a wakeup call that anyone can have their
kittens eaten at any time."
Johnson's neighbors had gathered by late afternoon on Monday to place a ring of chew toys, twine and kitty l
itter at the spot of the attack in a tribute to the deceased kittens.
Phil Gartner, a taxidermist, said that he and his wife had been Johnson's neighbor for seven years and
explained that her neighbors were considering forming a neighborhood watch group to help guard against future
problems with the fish-like bear thing.
"I've got a bat," stated Gartner. "And I know how to use it."
"It's sad," added Phyllis Gartner, as her husband nodded in agreement, "This sort of thing isn't supposed to
happen in Concordia. I'm sure adorable kittens get eaten by enormous fish-like bear things all the time in
places like Lawrence or Santa Fe but this sort of thing just doesn't happen in Concordia."
"This is one of the most awful things we've seen in a long time," stated Animal Control officer Pete McKneely.
"Right now we are really depending on community members to be forthcoming about the whereabouts of this so-called
fish-like bear thing."
According to records in the Cloud County courthouse, it has been ten years since a fish-like bear thing has been
seen in Kansas. That one was trapped and killed by a housewife in Lawrence after catching it munching on her roses,
stated police.
"This is a good town. A safe town," stated McKneely. "What has happened here is tragic but I know that everyone in
Animal Control is committed to restoring this to the kind of town where an adorable kitten can play in the grass
and lick itself without inspiring blood-lust."
A Memorial service will be held for the seven kittens at Manna House of Prayer on East 5th Street at 4 PM on
Wednesday. In lieu of flowers the family requests that somebody "shoot the goddamn thing that ate our kittens."
