T'n'Ts Jokes Of The Moment

> >On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, >and >next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, >"Nice bike >you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

> >The kid says, "Yeah."

> >The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that >bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety >violation >ticket.

> >The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, >that's >a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

> >Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

> >The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the >horse, instead of on top."

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an IBM employee, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "t-Square" and he told the dog to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which he did with no trouble.

The Ford employee's dog was named "Slide Rule". He was told to go fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into 4 piles of 3 each, which he did.

The AT&T company employee said that was pretty good, but he told his dog "Measure" to go buy a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a 10 ounce glass. He did it perfectly. The three of them agreed that their dogs were pretty smart, and they all waited to see what the government employee's dog, who was named "coffeebreak" could do.

At the snap of his owners fingers, "coffeebreak" strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, screwed the other 3 dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed a workmans compensation form and went home on sick leave.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

• Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
  So they can find their way back to the house.
  
• Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
  Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.
• Why do men want to vote for a female President?
  Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
  
• What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
  When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days.
  
• How do men define insomnia?
  Waking up every few days. ,br>
• Why are married women heavier than single women?
  Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
  
• Men are proof of reincarnation.
  You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
  
• Why don't men cook at home?
  No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
  
• Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
  Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
  Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get home."
  

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.

Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father.

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?".

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

• How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid.~



• Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.~



• A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda.~



• How do you catch a unique rabbit? U Neaq up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, you neaq up on it.~
  
  
• A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."~
  
  
• Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
  
  

This blonde went ice fishing. She cut a hole in the ice, dropped her line in, and a few minutes later heard "there's no fish under that ice!".

And she said, "God, is that you?", and then she heard, "NO! I'm the Ice Rink Manager!"

Another blonde in Las Vegas was seen standing in front of the coke machine dropping in quarters, pushing the buttons, and laughing with joy when the cokes fell out.

She began stacking them up in front of her. A few minutes later, a man walked by and said, "Ma'am, what are you doing?",
and she said, "Duh, I'm winning".

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