NOEL & MEG HAVE DECIDED TO HAVE A BARBECUE. THEY'VE INVITED SEVERAL FAMILY MEMBERS OVER FOR A LITTLE REUNION. THE GUEST LIST INCLUDES, LIAM, PATSY, & PATSY'S LITTLE BOY JAMES...NOEL & LIAM'S OLDER BROTHER PAUL, THEIR "MUM" PEGGY. ...OH YES, THE REST OF THE BAND, ALONG WITH BONEHEAD'S WIFE & DAUGHTER ARE INVITED.
(LIAM & PATSY ARE THE LAST TO ARRIVE. PATSY ENTERS WITH A BOWL OF JELLO.)
MEG: (WALKS OVER TO PATSY) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FACT THAT I INVITE YOU OVER FOR A BARBECUE & ALL YOU BRING IS A BOWL OF JELLO?
PATSY: I WOULD'VE MADE MORE, YOU SEE...BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I GO HOME & I'M TOO TIRED TO COOK. -& IF I TRY TO COOK LIAM STOPS ME, HE CLIPS ME ROUND THE HEAD & SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST REST YOU LITTLE TINKER?"
MEG: DID YOU GET A CLIP LAST NIGHT?
PATSY: OH YEAH, I GET IT ALL THE TIME. HE LOOKS AT ME & GOES, "YOU F***ING DAFT WORK-AHOLIC, STOP COOKING & REST!" KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
MEG: YOU'RE ON ABOUT A REPUTATION 'BOUT SHOWING UP AT PARTIES WITH NOTHING BUT A STINKING BOWL OF RUNNY GREEN JELLO! THAT'S NOT SOMETHING I'D BE PROUD ABOUT.
PATSY:WELL I AM, LA.
MEG: ALRIGHT. WELL, IF YOU'RE PROUD ABOUT BEING A LAZY WOMAN THAN WHY DON'T YOU GO TO SOME OTHER PARTY & GET THE HECK OUT OF MY HOUSE. WE'RE WOMAN, RIGHT? NOT LAZY PIGS.
PATSY: YOU'RE ONLY GUTTED 'COS YOU WAS IN THE KITCHEN ALL NIGHT FREAKIN' COOKING YOUR FREAKIN' POTATO SALAD!
meanwhile...Liam & Noel are out back at the grill...
LIAM:(Liam is sitting down having a smoke) NOEL, YOUR BURGERS ARE BURNING YOU PRICK. YOU BETTER TAKE 'EM OFF THE GRILL.
NOEL: SHUT-UP, YOU TWAT. YOU COME TO MY HOUSE & SIT IN ME BACKYARD & SMOKE. I'M LEFT OVER HERE TO COOK THE BURGERS BY MYSELF & YOU SIT OVER THERE & SMOKE LIKE A FREAKIN' SPARE GUEST AT MY F***ING BARBECUE. DID YOU EVER THINK OF HELPING ME YOU TWAT?
LIAM: IT WAS A BAD MOVE.
NOEL: SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP! YOU COME TO ME HOUSE, WATCH ME COOK & SAY, "WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING, YOUR BURGERS ARE BURNING!" YOU THINK IT'S POLITE TO WATCH ME DO ALL THE COOKING...
LIAM: I DO NOT.
NOEL: SHUT UP. YOU THINK IT'S POLITE TO...
LIAM: I DON'T.
NOEL:SHUT UP MAN! YOU THINK IT'S POLITE TO WATCH ME DO ALL THE WORK.
"MUM" [PEGGY GALLAGHER]: (COMES OUTSIDE & LOOKS AT LIAM) YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY? I SAY, "NAH. BEING POLITE IS DOING YOUR PART, HELPING OUT, COMING TO A PARTY & SAYING 'WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP OUT?' NOT GOING TO A PARTY & NOT EVEN OFFER TO HELP LIKE SOME LAZY DOPE WITHOUT ANY VALUES. THAT'S FOOLISHNESS & I WON'T STAND FOR IT!"
meanwhile Alan, Guigsy, & Bonehead are out front playing a little soccer
GUIGSY: (IS SHOWING OFF HIS SKILLS BY BOUNCING THE SOCCER BALL ALL AROUND)
BONEHEAD: THAT'S BULLSH*T. BULLSH*T. BULLSH*T!
ALAN: SHUT-UP. LET HIM BE. WHEN YOU KICK AROUND THE SOCCER BALL THAT'S BULLSH*T TO ME.
BONEHEAD: WELL, HE THINKS PLAYING SOCCER IS ALL ABOUT BOUNCING THE BALL AROUND & DOING ALL THESE FANCY TRICKS...
GUIGSY: PLAYING SOCCER IS ABOUT BEING YOURSELF. I PICKED UP THIS SOCCER BALL, I BOUNCED IT OFF ME HEAD A COUPLE TIMES, I KICKED IT IN THE AIR & ROLLED IT DOWN ME BACK, I DRANK A LITTLE TOO MUCH BEER, I SHOWED OFF A LITTLE & THAT WAS IT.
BONEHEAD: SOCCER IS ABOUT SCORING GOALS & STOPPING THE OTHER TEAM FROM SCORING GOALS. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU SHOWING OFF, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME SHOWING OFF, IT'S ABOUT TEAM-WORK.
ALAN: LOOK BONEHEAD, JUST LEAVE HIM BE. YOU DON'T WANT TO CAUSE HIM ANOTHER NERVOUS BREAK DOWN, & YOU WILL IF YOU DON'T LET HIM BE!
time passes, & everyone joins out back to eat
LIAM: (REACHES FOR THE MUSTARD, & ACCIDENTALY KNOCKS HIS BROTHER PAUL'S SODA OVER. PAUL IS NOW SOAKING WET, STICKY, & EXTREMELY ANGRY.)
PAUL GALLAGHER: WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU DRUNK TWAT?
LIAM: WHAT HAPPENED RIGHT, IS I HAD A FEW DRINKS, RIGHT, BUT I'M NOT DRUNK. KNOCKING YOUR DRINK OVER WAS AN ACCIDENT. ALL I DID WAS HAVE A FEW BEERS, 'COS I LIKE DRINKING. I LOVE IT. I'M INTO IT.
NOEL: (FROM THE OTHER END OF THE TABLE) YOU CAN'T DRINK, YOU TWAT!
LIAM: WHO CAN'T DRINK? WELL F***IN' WHERE THE F**K DID IT GO? IT WENT RIGHT IN THERE & I DEALT WITH IT.
NOEL: EEYARE! WOOAH!
LIAM: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I'M NOT SAYING I'M PROUD OF KNOCKING OVER HIS SODA, BUT...THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
PAUL GALLAGHER: SIT DOWN, MAN. SIT DOWN. YOU'RE GETTING INTO A STATE. YOU'VE HAD TOO MANY G&Ts. SIT YOUR ARSE DOWN.
"MUM" [PEGGY GALLAGHER]: YOU GUYS ARE MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A BAD MUM.
ALAN: DON'T WORRY. ME & MY BROTHER HATED EACH OTHER AS WELL.
LIAM: YEAH, WELL I HATE THIS BASTARD.
BONEHEAD'S WIFE: HOW OFTEN DO YOU ARGUE LIKE THIS?
LIAM: EVERYDAY.
NOEL:HOURLY.
BONEHEAD'S WIFE: DO YOU HAVE ANY RECURRING DREAMS?
NOEL: YEAH. JUST THE ONE.
LIAM: (Menacingly) I HAVE THE NEXT BARBECUE.
If you wanna look at my previous Wibbling Rivalry Spin-offs, here they are. women_rivalry,Wedding_Rivalry,Drummer Rivalry Parts 1 & 2,Wonderwall Rivalry