Love/Sex/Etc.



Bringing a pretty girl with you to the beach is like bringing sand. --Russ Atkins

Friends don't let friends have sex with Steve!

There is no erotic gnawing!

My wife and I practice "Doggy Style:" I beg, she rolls over. --Steve Rice

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it. --W.C. Fields

But I can't just be with someone because it's great sex; orgasams don't last long enough. --Courteney Cox

Sex gets people kille, put in jail, beaten up, bankrupted, and disgraced, to say nothing of ruined -- personallty, politically. Looking for sex can lead to misfourtune, and if you get lucky and find it, it can leave you maimed, infected or dead. Other than that, it's swell. --Edna Buchanan

Any girl that will let you feel her up, or parade around naked for you is cute for at least 10 minutes. --Kevin McKinney

Let's play house. You be the door. I'll slam you.

If you wanted it tighter, you should have brought a bigger dick.

Treat her like a lady, or I'll treat you like my bitch. --Matt Gulick

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. --Robert De Niro

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. --Sharon Stone

Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. --Woody Allen

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading. --Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Computers

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, you probably won't either.

Love is a matter of Chemistry, but sex is a matter of Physics

Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help. --Jay Leno

Everyone probably thinks that I'm a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I'd rather read a book. --Madonna

Writing is a lot like sex. At first you do it because you like it. Then you find yourself doing it for a few close friends and people you like. But if you're any good at all...you end up doing it for money.

Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old. --John Ciardi

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts --Jeff Foxworthy

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible. --PJ O'Rourke

I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though. --Elton John

My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects. --Les Dawson

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. --Woody Allen

My best birth control now is to leave the lights on. --Joan Rivers

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. --Woody Allen

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. --Emo Philips

It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it. --Winston Churchill

Sure It's funny to you, but you're not the one who's subjected to make-up sex with him. --Ashley Papon

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid. --Denis Leary

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. --Sacha Guitry

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. --Emo Philips

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. --Steve Martin

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. --Edgar Wallace

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. --Ambrose Bierce

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. --Woody Allen

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. --Matt Groening

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. --George Burns

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. --Steve Martin

What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home. --Ken Hammond.

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy. --Steve Martin

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. --Joan Rivers

I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though. --Elton John

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city. --George Burns

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. --Rodney Dangerfield

Everytime I find Mr. Right, My husband scares him away.

If it wasn't for the NASDAQ I wouldn't ever get screwed.

Men are like coffee, If their good, they're rich... warm and keep you up all night.

I lost all my sexual inhibitions in prison.

Panties are the last defense on the frontlines of desire. --Playboy, June 2002

Hey man, I've only got 3 inches... But some gals like it that wide. --Nate Rogers

I don't know who's hands are on me right now, but.... I love you. --Ashley Papon

I'd like to think I'm sexy enough to attract a man without the use of clothes. --Ashley Papon

I realized I was missing the best parts of life - unfortunately they were all in the same woman. --Stephen Lee Dekat

Smile...it's the second best thing to do with your lips.

I always have room for something sweet like a thought of you. --Pooh Bear

The reason most people sweat is so they will not catch fire while making love. --Don Rose

Love is friendship set on fire. --Jeremy Taylor

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear,too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice,but for those who love, time is eternity.-- Henry Van Dyke

I still miss my Ex, but my aim is improving.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. --Robin Williams

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? --Marilyn Pittman

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. --Bob Ettinger

I'm a bit confused... is this masturbation or sex?

My wang is so big it's fallen victim to a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Wang. --CrystalFox

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --Billy Crystal

Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. --Robin Williams

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

It's not my fault I went through puberty!
--Lindsey Stansbury

Can i give you evil wood?
--Lindsey Stansbury

What are you trying to do, knead dough?
--Lindsey Stansbury

He's cute, he's useless, he's blob-like, what more could you want? --Kim Burton

I don't give a flying fuck... but i would if i could!
--Lindsey Stansbury

Love is the fire of life; it either consumes or purifies.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. --Steve Martin

If I'm going to break a commandment, it might as well be one that makes me tingle!

Science is wrong. The male nerve center is definitely in the testicles. Our brain's just along for the ride! --Stephen Lee Dekat

It occurs to me that a man is TRUELY TIRED if he falls asleep while Masturbating. --Stephen Lee Dekat

The difference between love and hate can be found in the few inches that separate the neck from the chest, in terms of where your hands go. --Stephen Lee Dekat

The differance between a slut and a whore? A whore will sleep with anyone... A slut will sleep with anyone but you. --Stephen Lee Dekat

If I follow you home will you keep me?

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.

Sex is a disrobic experience.

Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once

We seek the comfort of another. Someone to share and share the life we choose. Someone to help us through the neverending attempt to understand ourselves. And in the end, someone to comfort us along the way.

Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures. --Samuel Johnson

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

I am defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Never fry bacon while naked

One fool at least in every marriage. -- Henery Fielding

A human being is the best computer available to place in a spacecraft. It is also the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. --Werner Von Braun

Mud makes everything more fun!

You only have to mumble a few words in church to be married, and a few in your sleep to get a divorce.

Thou shalt not admit adultery.

Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. --Woody Allen

But you know what life really is? You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a little older, you suck your girlfrineds tits. You get a little older you suck your wife's tits. That's what life is. Life sucks. --John Ryman

If God had wanted people to give blowjobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a differant position.

The most common form of marriage proposal is: "YOU'RE WHAT!"

If it moves, fondle it

To go together is blessed, to come together is divine

Homosexuality is a pain in the arse.

The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat in the meat.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.

If you go to a party you will invariably find yourself being hugged or hit on by total and complete strangers.

Pizza is a lot like sex, when it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.

Conserve energy -- make love more slowly

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.

Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, and a lot more that are worse; but there is nothing quite like it...

Never let a kiss fool you, and never let a fool kiss you.

Anyone can hate, it cost to love

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Ah, women, they make the highs higher, and the lows more frequent.

Take away love and Earth is a tomb. -- Robert Browning

To love another person is to see the face of God.

Beauty is power, a smile it's sword.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. --George Benard Shaw

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

I never knew what true happiness was 'till I got married. And then it was too late.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity...

Yeild to temptation, it may not pass your way again. --Lazarus Long

Masterbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either. --Matt Groening

I want to love you, but how can I if you won't lay down?

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.

I suck in all ways meaningful. --Lindsey D. Stansbury


Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

Does this condom make me look fat?

Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

What I lack in height, I make up for in length.

Don't make love by the garden gate, cause love is blind but the neighbors aint--Margaret Harris

Do it right the first time, and maybe I'll let you do it again

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

If I want to hear the pitta patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals, and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. It's not that God Doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner

Virginity - You use it, you loose it.

Don't shake me, don't wake me, just take me!

On average, everybody has one testical.

There are no illegitimate children, Only illegitimate parents. --Judge Leon R. Yankwich, June 1928

Wow! It seems like every other day you learn something new about one of your friend's vaginas!
--Kim Burton

Wanna see an involuntary reflex?

I'm happily married - but my wife isn't

Women may not hit harder, but they may hit lower.

69 is being head over heels in love

Innuendo always trumps buzzwords. -- Frank Ruscica

I wish I could take away all the world's pains, except those given in love

wrestle you buck-naked for a dollar!

I'm not cheap! But I am on special this week.

women fake orgasams, men fake foreplay.

Murder is a crime. Describing Murder is not. Sex is not a crime. Describing sex is. -- Gershon Legman

It isn't premarital sex if you don't get married. --Michael Juster

Wait... I think my underwear stopped -- Kim Burton

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. --Woody Allen

A mistress comes between a mister and his mattress

Life's a bitch. A good life is a lot of bitches! -- Steven B. Milum

I admit, I have a bit of penis envy. They're ridiculous, but they're cool! -- K.D. Lang

Abortion - Loves Labor Lost

Women are ment to be loved, not understood.

Accept me for what I am - completely unacceptable

Hey, God only gave man so many hormones... If you
choose to use yours to grow hair, that's your business!

I AM a virgin. I'm just not very good at it.

And now a word for dog lovers - "kinky"

Be naughty, save Santa the trip!

If it is not violent or naked, what good is it?

Dream when you're asleep, roleplay when you're awake.

Even if you understood women, you'd never believe it!

I like were legs go when they get together

Erotic, exotic, and a wee bit psychotic...

If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy sombody else.

In case of rape, this end up.

Why are women... so much more intersting to men than men are to women? --Virginia Wolf

I'd only lie if I were attracted to you. --Drew Carey

I love sex; it's free and it doesn't require special shoes

I wish my wife would stop flirting with my boyfriend.

It's a wee bit nipply in here...

Oral sex is the answer - the question doesn't matter

I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Gravatation is not responsable for people falling in love. -- Albert Einstien

Learned to lick from a lesbian

Nudists suffer from clothestraphobia

My mission in life is to satisy the worlds nymphomaniacs

Pet Peeve - Hookers that backwash

Vampires give killer hickeys

wife VS. work - After 10 years work still sucks.

Care to join me in a barbaric mating ritual?

Oh, that buzzing... It's just my underwear -- Kim Burton

Panties aren't the best thing in the world, but their next to it!

There's that fate thing again.

Sex times technology equals the future. --James G. Ballard

Get a taste of religion - lick a witch!

If beer were a woman, I'd be married for sure.

Say, didn't we go to differant high schools?

Women are lucky, they can get pussy when ever they want.

You may not remember me, I'm dressed now

Did God satisfy Mary?

Don't you think it's about time you tried me?

I don't mind straights, so long as they act gay in public

I fully support Women's Lib, sweetmeat.

I practice traditional birth control, I eat my young.

I'm not gay, but I think my boyfriend is...

It takes two hetrosexuals to make one homosexual.

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

One who objects to being a sex object, probably couldn't be.

roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Room service? I need cherries, whipped cream, and a rope.

Sex is only the business of the pile of people involved.

Spank me when I'm bad, Spank me when I'm good, keep me confused!

a cheep dominatrix would offer bargain debasement.

Condom companies have trojan wars.

cunning linguists do it with words

Electricians do it 'till it Hz

few men look trustworthy with their pants off.

Flip over, I want a puppy

Grandchildren - God's reward for parents who survive.

I may be talking to you, but I'm fantasizing about her.

I try to be as perverted as the situation calls for.

I'm just the machine that the hormones use to carry out their evil plans

I've only got 2 inches, tickles my wife to death.

Love is blind, especially love at first sight.

Never stick it in anything you can't see clearly.

Nothing anybody tells you about marriage helps.

The only proven aphrodisiac is money.

Where did Cain get his wife? Don't ask, don't tell.

With all my heart, I still love the woman I killed

I am thinking she is a virgin... or at least she used to be.--Short Circut, Ben

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

Your best? Losers always whine about their "best !" Winners go home and fuck the prom queen! --Sean Conery, The Rock

Clothes make the man... Naked people have little to no influance on society.
--Samuel Clemmens (Mark Twain)

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