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Frank B. Finite (a "true" atheist)
Alternate Resurrection Theory of the Month
The Blind Fools Guest Entry Log
Alternate Resurrection Theory
of the Month
Theory #9.7
The Facial Salvation of Mary
The Facial Salvation of Mary
The events surrounding Jesus are quite simple and clear. It was all a plot by Mary to save face which grew out of control and eventually ended up being the miracle stories that we have today.
Knowing that miracles (such as immaculate conceptions) don't happen at all, it is obvious that Mary was knocked up by someone other than Joseph prior to their having marital relations.
We know Joseph had nothing to do with it because he was going to divorce her once he found out. But he changed his mind later - what could have caused this?
According to the biblical narratives, which probably mostly came from Mary, Joseph was assured in a dream by an angel that the child to be born had been conceived by some Holy Spirit. What exactly was this so-called angel?
Mary recruited her relative Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptist) who was also pregnant. Mary had to keep Joseph to support her luxurious gold digging lifestyle.
Knowing that Joseph was a heavy sleeper after working hard all day as a carpenter (to support her luxurious gold digging lifestyle), she capitalized on his grogginess to pull off a sham.
One night she put a sheet on top of her head and cut out two eye holes in which to see out of. Elizabeth squatted behind her holding a candle which created an eerie glow effect. Then Mary gave the message to a half-awake Joseph who took it all in hook, line and sinker.
But Mary's work had just begun. Now that she had Joseph on her side, she had to turn her illegitimate child into the immortal son of God (which was going to be quite a task since the Jews would look upon this as utter blasphemy).
Mary knew that she had to make the child's birth extraordinary, but how was she to do it? As with all great acts of history, luck was on her side. They had to go out of town for a census, so at least she could pull something off without any hometown witnesses.
They would have made it to Bethlehem sooner, but all of Mary's heavy jewelry weighed down the donkey which made it go much slower. All the inns were full, so they had to stay in a stable. This was not to Mary's liking, but at least they were that much more isolated from further witnesses.
Previously sent ahead, Elizabeth pulled off the same angel visit prank on the sleeping shepherds of the field. Her husband squatted behind her with a candle as she told them to go visit the new born king.
This was important because these superstitious blue collar workers of the fields spread the word that Jesus was supernaturally conceived. This rumor spread like wildfire - the bigger the lie, the more people will believe it.
They even were visited by kings from the east who brought untold riches for the blessed child - jackpot!
But there was one problem - greed. She became so blinded her unending desire for material possessions that she actually started to plot an ingenious plan to take advantage of her baby's star status to gain even more wealth - but eventually it would be her downfall.
For Mary, she had two birds that she had to kill with one stone. The first was to get baby Jesus away from everyone of Jewish descent so that she could indoctrinate (brainwash) the child as he grew up. The second was to live as lavishly as possible. And there was one place that could fill this need perfectly - Egypt.
But knowing that Joseph wouldn't voluntarily move shop to Egypt, she once again employed her relative and partner in crime (who was getting a pretty good cut from all this) to do the old angel visit trick on him again. They convinced him that Herod wanted to kill the child, so they fled to Egypt much to Mary's satisfaction.
There Jesus grew in wisdom and stature (as indoctrinated by his evil mother). He was schooled day and night on Jewish beliefs so as to appear above average as compared to his young peers. He also learned that he was supposedly supernatural. Secretly on his own time, he also learned a thing or two about woodworking - his real passion.
This was about all that Jesus knew. He couldn't even gird his own loins. Mary helped him do this illustrating that she was the mother of all mothers. Well, technically Eve is supposed to be the mother of all mothers. But we're not speaking technically, we're speaking figuratively.
Figuratively Mary was the mother of all mothers, if you know what we mean.
So as to lay the groundwork for the great scam back home, Elizabeth was brainwashing John the Baptist to recognize Jesus as the lamb who takes away the sins of the world.
This was going to be a difficult task, so to aid in this Elizabeth also worked on getting John to be popular by throwing him elaborate and entertaining birthday parties with hired clowns and moon walk jumpers.
It worked.
Upon hearing the death of king Herod, Mary knew the time was ripe for returning home and putting "Operation God Child" into action. So back they went.
Jesus was so indoctrinated that at the age of twelve or so, he was teaching the teachers on Jewish law. All were amazed. He had to be supernatural, they thought, because a mere carpenter's child could have never gained such wisdom.
Mary just stretched an evil grin across the surface of her face as all the pieces were falling into place. Or were they?
As planned, an adult John the Baptist (note: this was pre protestantism) shouted out as Jesus being the lamb who takes away the sins of the world. Some words were exchanged and everyone believed the propaganda 'cause John was still so popular having thrown so many wonderful parties that would have even made Martha Stewart jealous.
At one point even a trained dove (owned by a bribed trainer) landed on Jesus' head. With messianic expectations at hand, the followers believed this to be further compelling evidence of Jesus' divinity. Whatever works, I guess.
Her son taught what appeared to be very wise sayings (ripped off from wise men of Egypt), but Mary had to initiate the next phase of the campaign - the phase of miracles.
It started out simple. She did the old switcheroo on some water and wine vases while nobody (even Jesus) wasn't looking. At Mary's maternal prodding, Jesus decided to try to convert some water into wine. He actually sorta believed he could do it because remember, he had been told his whole life that he was supernatural.
Well, it worked. Even Jesus was amazed. But Mary specifically warned him not to do any of his "magic tricks" unless she was around. Jesus agreed believing that mothers know best.
Jesus kept on teaching and preaching. Mary kept on bribing people to go up to him pretending to be sick and crippled. He would "heal" them, and in return he (Mary actually) grew more and more rich. But soon the whole operation became too big to manage alone.
That's when Mary convinced some peasants to help out with the promise of fake rewards in a pretend afterlife known as heaven, which was brilliant because the peasants didn't look for any monetary gain from all this, but rather did this out of the goodness of their hearts.
That is except for one intelligent atheist - Judas. He knew from the beginning that it was all a sham. It is even recorded that he was helping himself to the group's monetary fund. When Mary found out about this, she was furious. But what could she do?
She couldn't do anything to him publicly because this would have been deemed as "unchristian" and cast doubt on her (fake) intentions. So she hired soldiers of fortune to take him out, but all attempts failed.
Judas, feeling the heat, decided that enough was enough. At first he went to Joseph and convinced him (who had already begun to put two and two together to his credit) that it was all a sham. But once Joseph confronted her with the evidence, Joseph was no more.
We stop hearing about Joseph, so we can only conclude that Mary had him done in too before he could rat her out.
This turned out to be too much for Judas. He went to the controlling authorities to turn Jesus and Mary in. This partially worked in that Jesus was arrested, but Judas underestimated Mary's resourcefulness.
She, with only revenge in mind, got to some of those in power and had Judas finally killed. She later had it blamed on guilt and suicide, but it was Mary who had Judas hanged against his will. She paid the perpetrators thirty pieces of silver.
As for Jesus though, it was too late. He was in custody and put on trial. There this merely mortal man was unable to perform his "miracles," therefore he was convicted and sentenced to crucifixion. All that Mary had worked for was crumbling down before her.
Or was it?
Jesus died and was put in an enclosed tomb with guards guarding it. And as with all great religious leaders, Jesus had earlier promised that he would conquer death for himself and others, but in this situation it looked hopeless for Mary. She knew that she had to do something, or she was next.
A few days later in the morning, Mary, with a few of the local harlots that she had hired, went to the tomb to visit the guards. They flirted with them and told them how big, muscular and handsome they were. The guards liked this.
While Mary was hiding in the bushes, the other 'ladies" convinced the guards to prove their strength by rolling away the large boulder-like stone door to the tomb. Of coarse the guards arose to the challenge and proved their manhood.
Then, as planned, the harlots tempted the guards to play hide and seek offering a great big kiss as the reward of catching them. The guards were thrilled at this prospect and played along.
While away, Mary snuck in and stole the body of Jesus. The guards returned and panicked at the site of the empty tomb. There was much confusion, but they all agreed not to disclose that they had been playing with the ladies and made up some other story.
Mary disposed of the body so nobody would find it. Her last problem was to have Jesus some how magically appear to people so as to solidify the resurrection account. For this, she relied on a tried and true method.
She visited an untold number of people in their sleep with a sheet over her head.
Over the coarse of the next few weeks, she spun elaborate tales to them while in REM stage of Jesus actually appearing to them and then later ascending to heaven. Before long, everyone was claiming to see Jesus here and there - nobody wanted to be left out.
As for Mary, she was vindicated and lived off the riches that her son had won for her. Later she employed writers to draw up the accounts as she saw fit.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
Alternate Resurrection Theory of the Month is a tribute to all of the wacky theories that surface from time to time in order to explain away what really happened to Jesus in which all of the evidence points to.
My two personal favorites that anyone tries to pass off with any credibility are the "swoon" theory - claiming that Jesus never really died; and the "twin brother lost at birth" theory - in which the twin shows up after Jesus was crucified and everyone mistook him as the risen messiah :-P