This site is the Jokes around the world Part II. It contains jokes I have recieved from friends around the world. Because of all the contributions I recieved, I had to divide the site in several pages. I do still NOT guarantee for the quality. HEHEHEHE!!

At a recent computer expo. (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon"

Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing this statement:

"Yes, but would you want a car to crash twice a day?"
Additionally GM stated:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just: ACCEPT, RESTART and DRIVE ON.
3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to RE-INSTALL the engine.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time ....... unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would still have to buy more seats ....... and possibly also a "Multi-User Licence".
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the Sun, was reliable, 5 times as fast, twice as easy to drive ........ but would only run on 5% of roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "GENERAL CAR DEFAULT" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened!!

Source: Angela Tregaskes

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby ENGLISH will be the official language of the European Union (EU) rather than GERMAN, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiam in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v."

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

Source: Angel_Dust

This guy goes over to his buddies house and knocks on the door, it opens and there stands his friends wife. "Is John home?" he asks. She replies "No I'm sorry he's gone out to run a few errands."

"Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?" She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen. "I can't help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them."

The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe exposing one of her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table. Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he asks "Your breast was so beautiful, I've got to see them both at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them both."

She once again thinks for a moment and decides, what the hell and opens her robe giving him a good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws it on the table and says, "I can't wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by."

About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says "Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago." John replies, "Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?"

Source:Charlie Campbell

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on this topic of happiness. He shouted "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!" Out to prove this he glanced at his audience. And he saw a man at the righthand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often to do have sex ?" the philosopher asked "Once a month." the man answered.

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?" "Once a week," the man shouted.

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?" "Well ... everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air, laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him "You sure look like a very happy man?" "Yes ..Yes .. Yes" answered the very happy man "So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked. The man answered " Once a year.... "The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT ???. Then why are you so happy ??"

The man while laughing, and jumping said "IT'S TONIGHT...IT'S TONIGHT!!!!!"

Source: Angel_Dust

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Source: Friend of mine who wanted to be anonymous. To you from me: Thanks for all the jokes

So, Mickey Mouse goes to his attorney's office. It turns out he's decided to divorce Minnie. The Lawyer says to Mickie, "Mick, you can't just divorce Minnie because she's silly."

Mickie replies, "I'm not divorcing her because she's silly; I'm divorcing her because she's fucking Goofy!"

Source: Friend of mine who wanted to be anonymous. To you from me: Thanks for all the jokes

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here for you Eve? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

Source:Håkon Brugård

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away flom me acloss the froor".

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf eal bad case of Zachaly Disease....worse case I evel see! That why you haf sex ploblem".

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachaly Disease was and he replied, "Zachaly Disease....that when your face look zachaly rike your butt!"

Source: Juliet E. Bowen

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."

Source: NN

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" The Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Thye Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?"

The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."

Source: NN

A nun was taking the bus. After a while, a hippie came on and sat down next to the nun. Suddenly, the hippie asked the nun if they maybe could have some sex. Naturally, the nun refused and went off the bus on the next stop. Then the bus driver, who obviously had heard the whole conversation, turned around and told the hippie that he knew that the nun went to the chapel every morning at 8 to pray. He suggested that the hippie tried to meet her there. The hippie said thanks to the driver, and decided to give it a try.

Next morning at 8, the hippie went to the chapel, dressed like God. And, as the driver had said, the nun showed up. God (i.e., the hippie) suggested sex, and the nun didn't want to say no to God, so she accepted. But on one condition: as she wanted to keep her virginity, she said that it had to be anal.

After having sex for a while, the hippie took his mask off and laughed: "I'm not God! I'm the hippie from the bus!" Suddenly, the nun took off the mask and answered: "Well, I'm the bus driver!"...

Source:Torkil Grindstein

Young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him; (1)- kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel. (2)- or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter. (3)- and never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it.

The girl is off full of excitment and anxiety and Mum waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it" asks mum. "Oh mum, it was absolutely fantastic and I think I'm in love!" "Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!" "What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?" "Not exactly mum, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said and he stopped.

"WHAT" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others". "You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?". "Well, not really mum. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not.

Source: Angel_Dust

A fellow is visiting an art gallery in Toronto and comes upon a photograph of three naked black men. The one in the middle had a white penis. He asked the artist if there is a statement he is trying to make regarding inter-racial relationships.

The artist replies "No, it's simply a photo of three Cape Breton coal miners. The one in the middle went home for lunch."

Source: Terry

One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt. After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."

Chelsea was heart-broken. After eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Source: Emeric Forrest

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was sun-tanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that"? The first little old lady replied, "Look at that . . . When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

Source: Mike Smith

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" So she replies, "My son is 6' 2"... he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body...tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my Lord...'

Source: Emeric Forrest

A guy in a music store leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "trumpet" joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I play trumpet. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he plays trumpet. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and HE plays trumpet. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Source: Norm Harris

Heard the one about the man walking around town with a rubber trumpet?
He was looking for a man with a rubber band.

Source: Lennard Renouf

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did everything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Source: Emeric Forrest

A panda goes into a bar and grill and orders a sandwich. As soon as he finishes the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. The panda then gets up to leave when the bartender shouts at him, "Where do you think you're going? You can't just order a meal, kill the waiter, and then walk right out of here like that!"

The panda says, "Hey, buddy, I'm a panda! I think you'd bettter look up what that means." And the panda walks out. The bartender pulls out a dictionary and looks up "panda." Panda - n. A large marsupial native to southeastern Asia with distinctive black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.

Source: Petter Holte Østbye