The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time said, "T-G-I-F, Thank God It's Friday, get it?". The man answered, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday.

Source: Philip Anderton

As told by a United Airlines pilot who overheard this. "The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are infamous for being a short-tempered lot," the pilot notes. So it was with some amusement that the United 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and the pilot of a British Airways 747 (call sign Speedbird 206).

Speedbird: "Good morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen, taxi to your gate." The BA747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground (brusquely): "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (impatient): "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird (cooly): "Yes, several times in 1944, but I didn't stop."

Source: Norm Harris

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Iishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

Source: Donald G. Campbell

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

Source: Donald G. Campbell

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. So, the father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar...hmmm," the father says, "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father, "how will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go honey?" The father answers... "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God!!!"

Source: Norm Harris

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Source: Hilde Blix

Two country boys were leanin up against the rail at their favorite bar...They're tired and worn out from a long day. Havin a couple of longnecks, just relaxin and talkin, watchin the women go by... This really beautiful brunette walks by, and the two country boys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look at each other, smile, and one of them says, "I'll give her a 3." Other country boy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 for sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic lookin redhead, comes walkin by in front of them... First country boy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second country boy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4." And the second country boy agrees, and says, "Yep...she sure is a 4."

Time passes on by, and the country boys are still sippin their beers, just watchin folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful blonde... As she comes near them, they both kinda straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look. First country boy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That one has GOT to be a 6." And the second country boy nods slowly, grins, and says "Yep. DEFINITELY a 6."

Well, the woman hears them...and she is NOT amused. She turns around real sharply and comes right up to the two grinning boys... She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But, are you two actually standing there rating women??!?" The country boys look kinda embarrassed...lookin down at their boots, and they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes, we are, but you don't understand..." She is REAL mad now...and looks at the country boy and says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU." And the second country boy says, "But, love, you really don't understand!" And she says, "Well. What is it I don't understand? Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT." And the first country boy says, "But girlie, we use a different kinda rating system......."

The blonde says, "Oh. And what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me a SIX before..." And the second country boy says, "Well, we use the Carlton method, love." So she asks..."What in the hell is the Carlton method?" And the first country boy smiles, looks at her and says, "Well love, that's how many of their Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."

Source: Norm Harris

One day, there was a little boy walking home with his new football. He passed by a little girl's house and teased her saying, "You can't have a football like this because football is for BOYS!" When she heard this, the little girl ran in crying to her mother and showed up the next day with a brand new football.

This really bothered the boy, so he went out and got a bike. He rode it past the girl's house saying, "You can't have a bike like this because this is a BOY'S bike!" Once again, the little girl ran crying to her mother and showed up the next day with a brand new boy's bike. Now the boy was really angry.

So the next day, as he was walking by the girl's house, he dropped his pants, pointed at his genitals and said, "Well, you can't have this because only BOYS have it and your mom can't buy you one!" Of course, the little girl went crying to her mother again.

The next day, the little boy was passed by the little girl's house and asked her, "Well, what do you have to say now?" In response, the girl lifted her dress, pointed to her genitals and said, "My mommy told me that as long as I have one of THESE, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!!"

Source: Emeric Forest

Once there was a boy who was chasing a frog and he said "if you don't stop I'll chop off your head and shove it down you throught." A park ranger overheard the boy and said : "Kid, Whatever you do to that frog I'll do it to you." The kid reluctantly picked up the frog and said :" Frog, today's your lucky day, I'm going to kiss your ass."...

Source: Charlie Kirbow

Four nuns all died together. They were lined-up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven being asked a series of questions by Saint Peter. The last question asked was, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun replied, "Once, with the tip of my finger." St. Peter told her to dip her finger in the holy water, then she could pass into heaven.

The second nun replied, "Once, I held one in my hand." St. Peter told her to place her hand into the holy water, then she could pass into heaven.

Suddenly, the nun that was standing fourth in line pushed ahead of the nun who had been third in line. St. Peter asked her why she had done such a thing. She replied, "St. Peter, if you think I'm going to gargle with that holy water after she sits her ass in it, you're crazy."

Source: Charlie Kirbow

One day this cowboy died. He was a bad fellow, so he went straight down to hell. When he got down the devil was waiting. The devil said "You have three choices to spend your eternity. Do you pick door No. 1, 2, or 3?" The cowboy said "Let me check what's behiend door No. 1," The door opened and he saw hundreds of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "I don't want this!" he said "Lets try door No. 2" The door opened and he saw hundreds of people standing on their heads on a hard cement floor. "WOAH! I don't want to spend the rest of my life like that! What's behind door No. 3?"

The door opened and he saw hundreds of people drinking coffe, and having a good time, but they were all up to their knees in horse poop. "I'm a cowboy, I'm used to horse dung. I'll go with door No. three." he said. The devil handed him a cup of coffe and introduced him to the crowd. Soon the devil came in and said, "Coffe break's over! Everybody back on their heads!"

Source: Charlie Kirbow

Two Guys went golfing and one says "I'm getting some balls, need some?". The other man said he had one. "What do you mean you have one, how can you play a whole round of golf with only one ball. What if you loose it?" he asked. "It's a special ball, you can't loose it!". The 1st man asked what if it fell in the water, and he said it floats. So he askes what if it is under some bruse and you can't see it. He replied that it beeped, impossible to loose. So he asked what if it was to dark, and he said that it glows it the dark. "You really can't loose it?" the 2n man asked in wonder. "Wow, where did you get it?" he asked, the man replied, "I found it."

Source: Juzam

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.

"Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO". The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW", he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "How fucking many times do I have to tell you? NO......NO......and for the last time......NO!!!"

Source: Angel_Dust