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This site is the Jokes around the world Part V. It contains jokes I have recieved from friends around the world. Because of all the contributions I recieved, I had to divide the site in several pages. I do NOT, regardeless how much you pay me, guarantee for the quality. HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!

A priest had lost a cock (hen variety) and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he queried. 'Has anybody got the cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no, I mean has anybody seen the cock?", says the priest. All the women folk stood up. "No, no, I mean has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.

Source: Angel_Dust

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job - if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

Source: Emeric Forest

A Priest was sitting in the confession box one day listening to the confessions. A guy walked in and said "Father please forgive me, I've fooled around with Pussy Green" The Priest said "Say 3 Hail Mary's and you will be freed." Then another guy walked in. He said "Father please forgive me for I have sinned, I've fooled around with Pussy Green." The Priest says "Say 3 Hail Mary's and you will be freed" Then yet another guy walks in. He said "Father please forgive for me for I've sinned, I've fooled around with Pussy Green." The Priest says "Say 3 Hail Mary's and you will be freed" But he is thinking "Who is Pussy Green?"

So the next day when he was in church a lady walked in. She was wearing a Green hat, green dress, green nylons, and green shoes. When she sat down, the Priest noticed that she didn't have any underwear on. He walked up to the alter boy and said "Excuse me sir, Is that Pussy Green?" "No," the boy replied "I think its just the reflection off her shoes!!"

Source: Jamie Anne

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoo! so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off."

What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

Source: Emeric Forrest

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: 'Pierre, kiss me!' Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre?', says the startled Marie. 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie. 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!'

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me lower!' Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?' Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!'

Source: Petter Holte Østbye"

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Source: Emeric Forrest

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

Source: Trond Olav Ronæs

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint,but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"

Source: Emeric Forrest

A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8pm he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it." "Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

(PAUSE)

"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy....."

Source: Emeric Forrest

A salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. It's opened by a 4 year old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whisky in the other and a hard core porn magazine tucked under his arm. The salesman says, "Hello sonny. Are your parents home?" The little boy replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

Source: Emeric Forrest

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".

Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.."!!

Source: Trond Olav Ronæs

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and both feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. The sight of the pretty lady in the wavy dress has obviously excited him.

The husband, noticing the gorilla's excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom and play along. She does so, which gets our gorilla even more excited. The beast makes noises that could wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and it looks like Mr. Gorilla will tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs," the helpful husband says. The gorilla goes absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly, the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Source: Emeric Forrest

Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mum looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of Smarties, licking the family cat and then, standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again. Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to. By the time she gets to him, he's done the same set of actions another four times.

'Johnny', she cries, 'What are you up to?!!' 'Mum, I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel - I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on'

Source: Emeric Forrest

One morning while she was making breakfast, her husband walked up, pinched her on the butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept quiet.

The next morning he woke her up with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra". This was beyond her patience, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his dick. "You know," she said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your brother".

Source: Emeric Forrest

A man has been stranded for months on an island, living of whatever slimy creatures he can pull off the rocks and drinking rain water. One day, a boat appears on the horizon, then slowly makes it's way toward the island and drops anchor. It is a yacht with a single passenger: an absolutely knockout redhead with the most gorgeous body he has ever seen. She waves at him, then jumps over the side and makes her way to shore.

"Thank God!" the man cries. "I've been on this island for months with just a few shell fish and rain water for sustenance." "Well, then," says the redhead seductively. "I'll bet you could use a drink." And she pulls two collapsible cups from a zippered pocket in her skintight wetsuit, a flask from another, and pours him a drink.

"How can I ever thank you?" the man asks. "The only thing that could make this better would be a cigarette. I haven't had a smoke since I wrecked here." The redhead slowly unzips another pocket and removes a pack of smokes and a lighter, lights two cigarettes, then hands one to the man. "Now this is heaven?" he says.

Now they have reclined on the beach and the redhead slowly starts to unzip the wetsuit down between her incredible breasts. "Would you like to play around?" she coos. The mans jaw drops, "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?!"

Source: Mark T. Mears

A couple return home from hospital with their new-born beutiful little baby. Several days later the mid wife visits both mother and daughter for a general check-up. After completing all the formal checks on the little baby, the mid wife instructs the father to take the baby upstairs for a bath so she can give the mother a once over. Once the midwife has completed all her tests on the mother, she wanders upstairs to see how the father is doing with the baby. To her horror she sees the father with two fingers up the babies nose swirling it around the bath. The midwife cries "that's no way to bath your small baby". the father replies "it is when the water is this hot"

Source: Matt Brock

This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food. "Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk. "Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer. "I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food." Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way back to the store. "Here's my dog!" wheezed the tired customer. "Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."

Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and says: "Two cans of cat food please." "Do you have a cat sir?" "Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer. "I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food." The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see. "Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food."

The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the cover. "Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?" "Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer. "I beg your pardon?" said the clerk. "Do as I say!" ordered the guy. Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole. "Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy "It looks like SHIT!" said the disgusted clerk; to which the customer replied "THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"

Source: Emeric Forrest

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

Source: Emeric Forrest

The little bunny is sitting in the forest and typing the computer. The fox walks by: "What are you doing little bunny?" "I am working on my thesis." "What is your thesis about?" "It is about how the little animals in the forest can protect themselves from the biig predators of the forest." "Come on, little bunny, you don't know anything about that" "Come, on, I will show you." So they go to the back of the bush, the fox flies out, dead.

The next day the little bunny is again sitting in the forest, typing the computer and the wolf walks by. "What are you doing little bunny?" "I am working on my thesis." "What is your thesis about?" "It is about how the little animals in the forest can protect themselves from the biig predators of the forest." "Come on, little bunny, you don't know anything about that" "Come, on, I will show you." So they go to the back of the bush, the wolf flies out, dead.

The next day the little bunny is again sitting in the forest, typing the computer and the bear walks by. "What are you doing little bunny?" "I am working on my thesis." "What is your thesis about?" "It is about how the little animals in the forest can protect themselves from the biig animals of the forest." "Come on, little bunny, you don't know anything about that" "Come, on, I will show you." So they go to the back of the bush, the bear flies out, dead.

Then the lion comes out of the back of the bush: "See, little bunny, I told you that it is not important what your thesis is about, the important thing is who your promoter is!

Source: Anita Frisch

Time after time, night after night Tom just couldn't last long while having sex with his wife. He felt horrible, he felt like he was disappointing her. She constantly gave him support saying,"Honey, don't worry about it. Its alright." He decided that it wasn't alright and that he was going to do whatever he could to remedy the problem. After a day or two of thought, Tom finally came to the conclusion that he would try asking the doctor.

The doctor looked at him and said, "Believe it or not it's not an uncommon problem. Have you ever tried masturbating before you have sex with your wife?" Tom replied with a "No." "Well," the doctor continued, "if you do, it will take you longer to come when you're having sex with your wife." Tom smiled and said, "Thanks doc, I'll give it a try."

The next day while Tom was at work, he received a call from his wife. She warned him that she was EXTREMELY horny and that she was going to attack him the moment he walked through the door. This got him excited, but then he realized, "Wait, if she attacks me when I walk through the door, then I won't be able to try the doc's suggestion." Tom tried to think of somewhere he could go to try his new technique. "Well, I can't do it at my desk. Mail room? No, too risky. Restroom? Too risky there, too. I know, I'll just pull over on my way home, get under my truck and act like I'm working on it, nobody will know".

Tom left work and got about half way home before he decided he's found just as good a place as any to do what he must do. He pulls over, gets under his truck and starts masturbating, eyes closed imaging that it's his wife giving him a hand job. After a few minutes he feels someone hit him on the leg. Startled Tom yells out, "What? Who's there?" A reply came sharply, " I'm the sheriff, mind if I ask what you're doin'?" Tom had to think fast, "Oh, there's nothing majorly wrong, it appears I have an oil leak or something, I'm just checking it out."

The sheriff replied, "Oh... OK... you might want to check your parking brake while you're down there, you're truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago".

Source: Emeric Forrest