§§ Lawyer jokes §§

This site is the Jokes around the world Part III. It contains lawyer jokes I have recieved from friends around the world. Since I am a law student myself (almost graduated), I found it natural to have a special page on jokes for my kind. I enjoy them tremendously, and some of them are straight to the point. I do certainly NOT guarantee for the quality. HEHEHEHE!!

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "-I know,-" he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-"

At this the priest says, "-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-"

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-"

Source: Angel_Dust

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St.Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St.Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate.

St.Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St.Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Source: Friend of mine who wanted to be anonymous. To you from me: Thanks for all the jokes

Keep America beautiful... properly dispose of your lawyer.

What do a hooker and an attorney have in common? You have to pay them both to get you off!!

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of me?"

Source:Emeric Forrest

There's a married woman who has been married four times and hasn't been pregnant. She goes to the doctor to find out what is wrong. The doctor asks her "what did your first husband do for a living?". Oh, he was a psychologist, and he just used to talk about it, and talk about it, and talk about it. "And your second husband?" He was a gynaecologist and he just used to look at it. "And your third husband?" Oh, he was a plumber and he used to always say, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

"Well, what does your current husband do for a living?" He's a lawyer. "You have no worries there, lady, he'll screw you for sure."

Source: Norm Harris

A blind snake and a blind rabbit bump into one another one day. Since they are blind neither knows what the other one is. The snake says to the rabbit, the only way to find out what the other one is, is to feel around them with their noses. They agree to do this.

So the snake feels all over the rabbit with his nose, and says, "well, you are soft and fluffy, with long ears, big back legs, a twitchy nose and a little fluffy tail. I think you must be a rabbit."

Then its the rabbit's turn. He feels all over the snake with his nose, and says, "Hmmm. You're cold blooded and slithery, you're rather bent, you have a forked tongue, and you're very low, I think you must be a lawyer!"

Source: Norm Harris

Santa Clause, a low priced lawyer, and a high priced lawyer are sitting around a table with a thousand bucks on it. The lights go out and come on again and the money has dissapeared. Who took it?

The high priced lawyer of course! Low priced lawyers and Santa Clause only exist in our imaginations.

Source: Florian Ritmeester