Jokes for sermons

MENU: Sermon index Jokes Primary School Assemblies Grove booklet "Men and God": Chapter one introduction Chapter two Guys are in trouble Chapter three Putting gender in its place Chapter four Masculine Spirituality Chapter five Ways ahead Contact the Author

Disclaimer: some of these jokes need adapting, especially the “blonde” ones. I don’t like blonde jokes myself, but I use the idea in the joke and I also tend to adapt the context of the joke i.e. from America to Britain! Apart from these qualifications, all jokes are safe for church use (well, almost…) A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question, and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out. Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot. Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour. Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of sand at the lip?" Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it." Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the sand." "Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?" "That's your question," said Thompson as he took the money.                           Ways to keep things interesting in church Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards. Line up your little beany baby stuffed animals, (the ones your mother gave you to keep you quiet in church). During the prayer begin pushing them two at a time up to the front of the church. If it is a long prayer, you can get at least eight to the front before the prayer is over. While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn. Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed. See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you. Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room. Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can. One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me, then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem; the grass at my house is almost a foot tall." There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, 'Where do you work?' The man said, 'Here and there.' The judge asked the man, 'What do you do for a living?' The man said, 'This and that.' The judge then said, 'Take him away.' The man said, 'Wait, judge, when will I get out?' The judge said to the man, 'Sooner or later'                        One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight.  However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him.  All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"                            A kid called up his Mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." responded the kid. So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him." "That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???" "Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"                         One morning, this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.  He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger." She gets a dejected look on her face. "Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." Man runs to the doctor and says, "doctor, you've got to help me...my wife thinks she's a chicken!" Doctor says, " how long has she had this condition?" "Two years," says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" The man shrugs his shoulders, "we needed the eggs."                          Pushing a cart down a supermarket aisle, a man passed a woman whose cart carried a four-year-old girl. As he walked by, he heard the mother saying, "Take it easy, Natasha. It won't be long. We have only three more items to buy." A few minutes later, he passed the same woman in another aisle. As the little girl looked at the items on the shelves, the woman crooned in a soothing voice, "It's okay, Natasha. We're almost finished. Nothing to get upset about, Tasha dear. We'll be outside in no time at all." When the man reached the checkout counter, the woman was paying for her groceries. "Excuse me," he said. "I'd like to compliment you on the way you kept your daughter calm while you did your shopping. I overheard some of the soothing things you were saying to Natasha here to keep her from getting upset." The woman looked puzzled for a few seconds, then laughed. "You've got it all wrong," she said. "My daughter's name is Kate. I'm Natasha."                      Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area Time passed ----------------- Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world ------- About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. She shot him. The Best of the Worst Country & Western Song Titles (These are *real* - apparently) Do You Love As Good As You Look? Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Wanna Whip Your Cow I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd  Win I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose My Every Day Silver Is Plastic My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?" Her mother asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."                               A man was sitting on his porch, when this fella walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What can I do for you?" Preet politely asked.  "You selling something?" "No, sir, I'm not.  I'm a Census Taker." "A what?" "A Census Taker.  We're trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "You're wasting your time here.  I have no idea." Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"                          The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the 3 million dollars you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. "Where's my three million?" the crime boss shouts. The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." So, using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head. Screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him where my money is!" "Okay, okay" the accountant signs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard," he signs back. "What did he say?" demands the crime boss. The attorney relies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.          "You're running around with other women," she charged.          "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."          The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.          "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.          "Counting your ribs," said Eve. A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor.  They couldn't have any children.  On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer. The Pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side, so they dropped by the shop.  After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot.  He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them. Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplets.  The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about"?  He asked. She replied "I'm just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40."                   A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church.  The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.  "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded.  "I think I would prefer the traditional service." Little Johnny walks up to his Aunt and says , "My Gosh, Aunt Edna, why are you so darn ugly?" His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. and screamed, "how could you say to your aunt is so darn ugly! "Because she is," said Little Johnny. His mother said, "You go back in there and apologize to her, right now!  I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!" Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so darn ugly....                       Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it !"                      One day the Mexican maid announced to the Yuppette that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I am in the family way."         The Yuppette was both surprised and shocked and asked who it was.         The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."         This time, the Yuppette was horrified and demanded an explanation.         "Well," the maid explained, " I go to the library to clean it and you husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and you son say 'You are in my way'.           So I'm in the family way and I quit."                          One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full. "Here's the problem," the Dr. said. "He just needs to be changed." The father is very perplexed, "But the diaper package specifically stated it is good for up to 10 lbs!"                          When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said.  "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient.  "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."                            A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing.  She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time!  Have you any turkey?" The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale.  It weighs 4 1/2 pounds. "Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires. The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the turkey.  The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds. "Marvelous!" says the woman.  "I'll have both of them please."                                 The Dundee's were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Dundee made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Dundee turned to his wife... "Show him your tooth, Honey." A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Goodness                      !" the trooper gasped, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth". One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed animals, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." Johnny Cochran was duck hunting recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied. The farmer replied, "The duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine." Cochran then asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care." Does the name O.J. Simpson mean anything to you?" asked Cochran. "Yup" said the farmer, "I seen him on TV in that court case." "I am Johnny Cochran from Los Angeles", came the reply.  "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off.  I'm the reason he is a free man today.  And if you don't let me get that duck, I will sue you on the basis of racial prejudice and take your farm, your truck, and everything else you own.  I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer, "We ain't in Los Angeles. Here in the country the law we go by is the 3 kicks law." "Never heard of it," said Cochran. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times.  Then if you get back up on your feet, and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours." Cochran, always looking for a challenge to show his superiority, thought this over.  He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take on and easily out do this old farmer.  "OK",  said Cochran, "Fair enough." So right off the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he doubled over, the farmer kicked him squarely in the face.  Then when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the side, breaking a couple of ribs.   After long minutes, and several failed attempts, Cochran slowly made it back to his feet.  Through clenched teeth, he says "Alright, now it's my turn!" The farmer smiled and said, "Na, forget it.  You can have the duck."                             A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!" Penny was driving home from work, doing about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around,there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. TFromen minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it." A Post Office worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope, addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because all her savings - $200 have been stolen. She will be cold & hungry this Easter without divine intervention. He organizes the postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $180 to donate. They get it to her by special courier the same morning. A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it "Dear God, Thank you for the $180 for Easter, which would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was $20 short but that was probably those thieving workers at the Post Office." Little Johnny's mother was becoming worried.  She hadn't seen her neighbor, Mrs. Goldbaum in days. Fearing the old widow may have had an accident, she decided to send Johnny next door to check up on her. "Johnny, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldbaum is?" "Sure Mom" he said running out the door. A few minutes later, Johnny returned. "Well," asked Johnny's mom, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's mad at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said its none of your business how old she is." A minister was talking to a man in his congregation one day and encouraged him to be regular in his attendance and to become part of The Lord's Army.  The man replied that he was a member of The Lord's Army. "Why, then, do I only see you at church on Easter and Christmas?", the minister asked. "Because I'm in the secret service" the man replied!                           A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.                          The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"       Dear John:       I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?       Gloria       Dear John:       I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?       Yours,       Gloria A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats." 4 YEAR OLD: My Mommy can do anything! 8 YEAR OLD: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 YEAR OLD: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEAR OLD: Naturally, my Mother doesn't know that, either. 16 YEAR OLD: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEAR OLD: That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 YEAR OLD: Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 YEAR OLD: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion. 45 YEAR OLD: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it? 65 YEAR OLD: Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....                             This Hacker hit his drive out of bounds and the ball came to rest in the middle of a large red ant bed. He figured he would hit it from that lie, so he took his stance, took a big swing, missed the ball and ants went flying everywhere. He tried again, and same as before, missed the ball and ants were flying everywhere. After the third gigantic swing and miss, one ant said to another one, "If we're going to save ourselves, we better get on the ball." A man was walking across the road when a car struck him.  The impact was on his head, which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hand and said meaningfully: "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again.  You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying".  She squeezed his hands as he continued.  "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more ads for me to apply..."  He continued, "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake.  And you were there beside me. Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time.  But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized.  As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. And you were there beside me". Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband.  "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you were here beside me........There's something I'd really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion... ... He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.."                        "Sorry, we don't have potted geraniums," the clerk said, and then added helpfully, "Could you use African violets?" "No," replied Ed sadly, "It was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone." A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.""How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."                            An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the man. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." It's a really busy day at work, so when one spouse phones the other spouse, the answering spouse says there just isn't time to talk. "Oh, okay," responds calling spouse: "Just wanted to give you some good news and some bad news. Do you have time for either?" Answering spouse: "Well, like I said, it's really a zoo around here. Why don't you just give me the good news now, and I'll get the bad news tonight when we're home together?" Calling spouse: "I can do that. Here's the good news: The air bag works."                            A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."   The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."   The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.   Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"   The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know." he said.  "Radio broken."                          Top 10 Most Brilliant Marketing Screw-Ups 1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." 2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick." 4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. 5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). 7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese. 8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth." 10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.  When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.  When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.  Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go.  When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.  She said, "This is the worst day of my life.  First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle.  Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement.  And now, you come home drunk!"                            First, The Original: > >An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. >He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the farmer, "It >was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses >instead of hymns." > >"Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?" > >"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the >farmer. > >"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife. > >The farmer said, "Well it's like this - If I were to say to you: >'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a hymn.  If, on the >other hand, I were to say to you: 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, >MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the >white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, >are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN,' >Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that >would be a praise chorus." > >****** > >Now, the rebuttal, so to speak: > >A young, new Christian went to his local church usually, but one >weekend attended a small town church. He came home and his wife asked him >how it was. > >"Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, >however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs." > >"Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?" > >"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different," said >the young man. > >"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife. > >The young man said, "Well it's like this - If I were to say to you, 'Martha, >the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a regular  song. If, on the >other hand, I were to say to you: > >Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry >Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth. >Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by >To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth. > >For the way of the animals who can explain >There in their heads is no shadow of sense, >Hearkenest they in God's sun or his rain >Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced. > >Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight, >Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed. >Then goaded by minions of darkness and night >They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed. > >So look to that bright shining day by and by, >Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn. >Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry >And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn. > >"Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change >on the last verse, well that would be a hymn." One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was through talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man-making contest?" To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed a handful of dirt. "No, no, no!" God said as He looked at the scientist. "You go get your own dirt." The Lone Ranger and Tonto hitch their horses outside a saloon and go inside for a beer.  Soon after, a man walks in and asks Who owns the silver horse outside? The Lone Ranger replies,I do. What's the problem?. The man says, You better go look at him, I think he's hot. The Lone Ranger goes outside to check on his horse, and sure enough the horse is overheated and distressed. Quick, Tonto, run circles around Silver. You will create a draft and cool him down. Tonto starts running around the horse to cool him down, and the Lone Ranger goes back into the saloon to enjoy his beer. Soon after, another man walks in and asks, Who owns the silver horse outside? The Lone Ranger again replies, I do. What's the problem now?. You left the injun running Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less. Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. A. Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord. A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement." Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson; he brought the house down. Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A. In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? A. They were really put out. Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home Q. How long did Cain hate his brother? A. As long as he was Abel! Q. What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark? A. So long Fellers! Q. The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories? A. They used floodlights. Q. After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah? A. 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible? A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage. Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible? A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock. Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David, he rocked Goliath to sleep. Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? A. The thought had never entered his head before? Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath? A. No, he already fell for it once. Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise? A. Turn right and go straight. Q. Why won't we drink milk in the new world? A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction. Q. Why shouldn't Christians watch TV? A. At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to no one." Q. Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible? A. Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing. Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor? A. Because Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me." Q. Will there be dogs in the new system? A. No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot. Q. Who was the straightest man in the bible? A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler. Q. Who are the 3 shortest men in the Bible? A. Bildad the shuhite A. Nehemiah (knee-hi-miah!) A. The man who fell asleep in his watch. Q. Who is the largest woman in the Bible A. The woman of Samaria Q. Which is the first instance of tennis playing in the Bible? A. Moses served in the courts of Pharaoh Q. What is the first instance of cannibalism in the Bible? A. 2 Kings 8:1 Q. What is the first instance of cricket in the Bible? A. Peter stood up before the 11 and was bold Q. How many days was Jonah in the ark? A. He wasn't.  It was Noah. An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off." "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" "Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?" "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..."                       Since he was a Texan being tried in New York, the young man felt he didn't have a prayer of beating the murder rap.  Thus, shortly before the jury was to retire he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of manslaughter, not murder. The jury was out for days, after which they returned a verdict of manslaughter.  Cornering the bribed juror, the Texan whispered, "Thanks a million.  How ever did you manage it?" "It wasn't easy, admitted the bribed juror, ......"All the others wanted to acquit you." A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.   The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I  don't want to go out there. It's dark."   The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there.  He'll look after you and protect you."   The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"   "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.   The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" One enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb. Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and space shuttles, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to  simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to  test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the  shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."                          What's the difference between a hymn and a praise chorus? A friend recently sent us this story. An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns." "Praise choruses," said the wife, "What are those?" "Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer. "Well, what's the difference?" asked the wife. The farmer said, "Well, it's like this. If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well, that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand, I was to say to you, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn.'  Well, that would be a praise chorus." Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.  In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.  I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.  "Just answer the question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine.  Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question." But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie. Joe thanked the judge and proceeded.  "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. "He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?'" A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.  They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'" Bill invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Bill's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Bill and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bill and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bill volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates. About a week later, Julie came to Bill and said, Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you? Bill said, Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Several days later, Bill received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping In her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.  We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.  He said he can't communicate with me." Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?" "Don't you start" "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then" Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. So I went to the dentist. The dentist said say "Aahh". I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said, "It depends where you're calling from." "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either ;my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger ;brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said you're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. I went out driving to do some shopping and parked my car. Someone left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' "So that was nice." A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more" I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. A man is sitting in his armchair, when his wife comes up behind him and hits him over the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' he exclaims 'I found a note in your trousers saying "Gloria, 3.00pm"' The husband quickly explains 'Gloria is the name of a horse that was running at 3.00, and I didn't want to forget.' The wife apologises, and they make up. A few days later, he is sitting there again when she comes and hits him with an even bigger frying pan, and knocks him out cold. When he comes round he exclaims 'What was THAT for?' She replies: 'Your horse just phoned.' A man was doing a parachute jump for charity, and was rather nervous. So the instructor re-assured him in the plane. 'When you jump out, count to five and pull the blue handle, and your parachute will come out. If anything goes wrong--and I am sure it won't--then pull on the red handle, and your reserve parachute will come out. Aim for the white cross on the ground, and there will be a van with a cup of tea waiting for you.' So the man jumps, counts to five, and pulls the blue handle. Nothing happens. So he pulls on the red handle. Nothing happens. As he is plummetting towards the earth, he mutters to himself: 'I bet there won't be any tea left for me, either.' A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow." This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back... "What the heck are you?" asks the host. "I'm a snail," says the guy. "But... you have a girl on your back!" replies the host. "Yeah," he says, "that's *Michelle*!" How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner." A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage. A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow" A man was watching a cow being milked. Being from the city, it was the first time he had seen this done. As the man was watching, a fly flew in the cow's ear. Then the man noticed a fly in the milk pail. He asked the farmer how that could have happened. "It's simple," said the farmer. "In one ear and out the udder." Bill Gates died and went to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20-room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful valley, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St.Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic?  I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once." A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airport just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"                              Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail" "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer." I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Mike there?" I asked. "He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, I dialed again.  This time a man answered.  "This is Mike," he said. "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know," he replied.  "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."                     The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.         After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"         The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, ... Why?"         The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"         The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.         The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better.         The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."         Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.         Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.         A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"         The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"         The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'." ~ Hummers Largest selection ever If its in stock, we have it! ~ Illiterate? Write today for free help. ~ Lost small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. ~ Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. ~ Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. ~ Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. ~ Nordic Track $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby. ~ Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. ~ Open house: Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and doughnuts. ~ Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. ~ Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. ~ Snowblower for sale. Only used on snowy days. ~ Stock up and save. Limit one. ~ Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! ~ Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated. ~ Wanted Hair-cutter: Excellent growth potential. ~ Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. ~ We build bodies that last a lifetime. ~ We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a little more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." The man asks, "You must be an engineer?" "I am", the woman replies, "how did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "you must be in management?" "I am", the balloonist replied, "how did you know?" "Well", said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position as you were before we met, but now, somehow, it my fault." EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS 1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. 2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? 4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. 5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. 8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. 9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. 10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry. Really, it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years." It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now." A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York City. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The tired blonde just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,and goes back to sleep. One beautiful Saturday morning, as their usual foursome rounded onto the 16th green, a funeral procession quietly passed by on the street. John, an avid hacker, was putting when he suddenly stopped. He stood somewhat "at attention," took off his hat, and held it on his heart. The other three golfers were awed by John's display of thoughtfulness. When the funeral procession completely passed, they said, "Wow John, we didn't know you were such a compassionate person." To which he replied "You know guys, after 34 years of marriage, that's the least I could do." A woman gets pulled over by a police officer and.... Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?" Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding." Woman: "Oh, I see." Officer: "Can I see your license please?" Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." Officer: "Don't have one?" Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving." Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please." Woman: "I can't do that." Officer: "Why not?" Woman: "I stole this car." Officer: "Stole it?" Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." Officer: "You what?" Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see." The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: "Is there a problem, sir?" Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." Woman: "Murdered the owner?" Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. " The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?" Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license." The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." Woman: "Bet you the lying son of a gun told you I was speeding too." A vicar's son was asked to entertain the visiting bishop while his parents prepared the lunch. The boy asked him, "Can you tell me how you become a bishop?" The bishop replied, "Well, first you have to go to church every Sunday, then be top pupil in Sunday school and later be best student at theological college. Then you get ordained and when you are the best vicar in the diocese you become a bishop". "Oh I see" said the boy, "because I heard my dad say to my mum this morning he wondered how on earth you became a bishop". A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a >Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at >the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled >sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal >gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. >The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the >best laugh he'd ever had. > >A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car >phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the >guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy >the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. > >45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic >reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine >compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil >change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that >the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. > >David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly >knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of >money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, >and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers >easily jumped him from behind. > >Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a >convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. >Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair >job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was >the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I >should have blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then >quickly added, "-- if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 >minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence. > >R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their >squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he >asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of >identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into >the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on >the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery >in St. Louis, Missouri. > >Police in Chicago sent Cubs tickets to people with outstanding arrest >warrants. When they arrived at the game, they were promptly arrested In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Germany. She was registered to stay in a small guesthouse owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guesthouse contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC, which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring as to the location of the nearest WC. The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house...a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply: Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell, which rings every time a person enters.  We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all. Sincerely, Schoolmaster There was this lady who was visiting a church for the first time one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation actually fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." The man replied, " You're not the only one ma'am. I'm glad it's done too!!!" A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back. At 9pm, the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No".  Just then a little head appeared over the bannister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home." Three guys, one smart, one average, and one a bit dim, have begun a 40-mile hike home when they come upon a bush with an owl sitting atop it. To their surprise, the owl speaks. "Weary Travelers," he says, "I will give you each one wish." The smart one says, "I want to be home and rich beyond my dreams." "Wish granted!" says the owl. The average man says, "I want to be home and married to the most beautiful girl in the world." "Wish granted!" says the owl. The dim guy looks around and feels lonely. "I wish my friends were back," he says. A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!" The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a catalog company:  "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine." A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued ... and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." ...After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went BOING and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her." A man comes out of the factory one day pushing a wheelbarrow in which he has a carefully wrapped parcel. The security guard eyes him suspiciously and then challengess him. 'What's in the parcel?' 'Sawdust,' comes the reply. 'I don't believe you. Open the parcel.' And sure enough, it is sawdust just as the man said. This goes on day after day, with the security guard getting more and more frustrated. He knows the man is up to something, but every time the parcel contains--sawdust. Finally, he can take it no longer. 'Look,' he says, 'I know you are up to something, and I can't work out what. Tell me what you're up to and I promise I won't report you.' 'You promise?' asks the man. 'Absolutely. On my honour.' replies the guard. 'OK. I'm stealing wheelbarrows.' There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!" Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!" Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Please provide for me, oh Lord!" The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!" The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made an atheist pay for them!" HOW WELL DOES COLD WATER CLEAN? A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are these plates clean?" Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!" So Grandpa shouted, "COLD WATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Deep Pan, crisp and even. Boom boom. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? You read about all these Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!" Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the >congregation. >But when the music director and the pastor get into it, stand back. > > One week the pastor preached on commitment and how we should dedicate > ourselves to service. The choir selected "I Shall Not Be Moved " as the >final hymn. > > Next week the pastor preached on giving and how we should gladly give to >the work of the Lord. The choir selected "Jesus Paid It All " as the final >hymn. > > Next week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should watch our > tongues. The choir selected "I Love To Tell The Story" as the final hymn. > > Next week the pastor being disgusted over the situation, told the >congregation that he was considering resignation. The choir selected "Why >Not Tonight " as the final hymn. > >Then the pastor resigned the next week and told the congregation that > Jesus had led him there and Jesus was now leading him away. The choir > selected >"What A Friend We Have In Jesus " as the final hymn. A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however. "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?" "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks." MY EXERCISE PHILOSOPHY From: DeanaY It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. I used to watch golf on TV, but my doctor told me that I need more exercise; so now I watch tennis. If exercise and work pay off in the future, shouldn't laziness pay off now? A daily exercise regime never killed anyone, but why chance it? Isn't having good health merely the slowest possible way you can die? The act of banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 80. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. Here are some mixed up Christmas titles: 1. Approach, Everyone Who Is Steadfast 2. Are You Experiencing Parallel Auditory Input? 3. Celestial Messengers From Splendid Empires 4. Creator Grant You Cheerful Thoughts, Noble Sirs 5. Delighted Days Off 6. Ecstasy Toward The Orb 7. Embellish The Corridors 8. The Event Occurred At One Minute After 11:59 PM-Visibility Unlimited 9. Hail Nativity Conifer 10. Hey, Minuscule Urban Area Southwest Of Jerusalem 11. I Auditorily Perceived Clapper Containers At The Peak Of The Yuletide Season 12. I Observed A Trio Of Vessels Returning From Yachting 13. Listen! The Foretelling Spirits Harmonize 14. A Melodic Composition Reverberates Through The Atmosphere 15. Musical Clanging Objects Composed Of A White Malleable Element 16. Our Desire Is Your Yuletide Cheer 17. Ovine Caretakers Supervised Their Charges In The Period Past Twilight 18. The Primary Carol 19. Proceed To Broadcast This From A Much Higher Elevation 20. Quiescent Nocturnal Period 21. Removed In A Bovine Feeding Trough 22. Seraphim We Aurally Detected In The Stratosphere 23. The Slight Percussionist Lad 24. Song Of Joy From Harmonic Hollow Metallic Devices 25. What Offspring Abides Thus Need some hints? Here are the real names of the titles listed above. However,they are in alphabetical order, not in matching order. a. Angels From The Realms Of Glory b. Angels We Have Heard On High c. Away In A Manger d. Carol Of The Bells e. Deck The Halls f. Do You Hear What I Hear? g. The First Noel h. Go Tell It On The Mountain i. God Rest You Merry, Gentleman j. Happy Holidays k. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing l. I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day m. I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In n. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear o. Joy To The World p. The Little Drummer Boy q. O Christmas Tree r. O Come, All Ye Faithful s. O Little Town Of Bethlehem t. Silent Night u. Silver Bells v. There's A Song In The Air w. We Wish You A Merry Christmas x. What Child Is This? y. While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night Answer key is below Answer key : 1r ; 2f ; 3a ; 4i ; 5j ; 6o ; 7e ; 8n ; 9q ; 10s ; 11l ; 12m ; 13k ; 14v ; 15u ; 16w ; 17y ; 18g ; 19h ; 20t ; 21c ; 22b ; 23p ; 24d ; 25x ~ The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m. ~ Hymn of Invitation: "Whoever He Leads I'll Go" ~ The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains. ~ Worshipers are asked to wail until all have been served to partake of the Body and the Blood of Christ. ~ Pray for continual growth in the lives of many of our teens--that a food foundation will be laid in their lives. ~ Boars of Trustees ~ We are always happy to have you sue our facility. ~ The activity will take place on the church barking lot. ~ Hymn: I am Thin, O Lord. ~ I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live. ~ Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour ~ New Missionaries: Tim is a pilot and flies missionaries and supplies into the bush. ~ Palm Sunday: Our regular service will be gin at 11:00 a.m. ~ All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate the cross for Easter Sunday. ~ When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel. ~ Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! ~ Volunteers are needed to spit up food for distribution following the Restaurant Supply Show at the Expo Center. ~ This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ~ Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! ~ The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this evening at 6. ~ Women in the Word starts next week. There are several different studies to choose from. Ladies, make sure you sign up for a stud before next week. ~ On the sign in front of the church:      This week's sermon: "When is Sex Not Enough?"      The choir sings: "I Need Thee Every Hour" ~ At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. ~ Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ~ The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. ~ Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. ~ Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ~ The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. ~ For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ~ During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. ~ Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. ~ Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. ~ The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. ~ This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. ~ Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. ~ Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. ~ This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. ~ Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.--prayer and medication to follow. ~ The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Belzer; the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. ~ Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. ~ The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. ~ Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary. A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it." Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. " Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno A man is in bed with his wife when there is knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please!" So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing." The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves." "Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered, "that he would climb the walls if you came to visit." Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a  drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests in mufti settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady." Yes?" she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied. Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint.  He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself.  Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first mother said.  "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied.  "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party." Did you hear about the man who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Tracker's Den The Man and Cigars A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires." However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms. A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?" A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo: handcuffs. -------------- A cop pulls an old lady over for going 22 miles per hour on the freeway. The lady says to the cop "but the speed limit said 22" The cop explains to her "that is the highway number" He then looks in the backseat to see two shaken old ladies and asks what is the matter with them? The lady tells him they just got off highway 109. A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins - and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach Feedback: A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words. The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 words were "too cold". The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "bad food". The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "I quit". Good they said,"all you have done is complain." ------------ The Vending Machine A woman named Laura is at a local zoo and comes across a vending machine, which she has never seen before. She sees the slot for money, gets money out of her purse, puts $.65 into the machine, and pushes a letter and a number. She is mezmorized by the coils turning just enough to let out the candy. So, she does this many more times. After a little while, a man comes up behind her and says,"Miss, could you please move? I would like to get some candy." She replies with,"Excuse me?! Can't you see I'm winning here?!?!" Barney A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants." Proverbs --------- A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with: Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader. Strike while the.........................bug is close. It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time. Never underestimate the power of............termites. You can lead a horse to water but ...........how? Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty. No news is.........................impossible. A miss is as good as a........................Mr. You can't teach an old dog.....................math. If you lie down with dogs, you.......will stink in the morning. Love all, trust........................me. The pen is mightier than......................the pigs. An idle mind is......................the best way to relax. Where there is smoke, there's..............pollution. Happy is the bride who..................gets all the presents. A penny saved is.........................not much. Two is company, three's.....................The Musketeers. None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller. Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries. You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box. When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way. There is no fool like...........................Aunt Edie. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......you have to blow your nose. The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000.00. For a female brain $200,000.00." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used." A Mrs. McTavish went along to the local Newspaper Office to put a notice in the paper to say that her husband was dead. The words she wanted putting in were "McTavish has died", the man at the office who knew McTavish said you can't just put that you need to say something else like 'My loving husband etc. Mrs. McTavish said that she could not afford more than three words. The man at the office said well because I knew McTavish I will pay for three more words so you go home and think what you want to say and come back. Mrs. McTavish went home and came back with six words written on a piece of paper to be put in the Newspaper. "McTavish has died, Volvo for sale" RED LIGHTS Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?" What's the difference between Jurassic Park and the Church of England? One is a fantasy land full of dinosaurs.... and the other is a blockbuster movie Fred was a pillar of the church..... solid, immovable and restricted the vision! A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer. How many cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb? Don't know, they scatter when the light is turned on! How many catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Don't know, they use candles! How many anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Change!!!!!! Eve in the garden of eden, having a conversation with the Lord - I really like it here, the garden is fantastic, fruit superb, scenery amazing but on my own, I'm bored, what can you do? Well, said the Lord I could introduce a man What's one of those? said Eve A human who is fast at running, not bad a manual labour, tendency to be forgetful, good in a fight and not bad in the sack. Sounds okay said Eve, when does he arrive? There is one condition said the Lord, you'll have to let him believe that I created him first. In introducing this subject I feel like a mosquito in a nudist camp - I hardly know where to begin! 'The Kingdom of God is a party for a bunch of people with whom we wouldn't be caught dead spending Saturday night . . . had we not also been invited' Stanley Hauerwas Abraham wanted to install Windows 98 onto his computer. Isaac said "What you playing at dad? You'll never get Windows 98 onto that old 486 system of yours - everybody knows you need at least 16Mb RAM, 50Mb hard disk space and 100Mhz pentium processor." Abraham replied "My son, God himself will provide the RAM!" (Sorry, I don't have any funny ones) An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off". "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swinging' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?" "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. “Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook.." A Vicar and a bus driver arrive at the gates of heaven. St peter welcomes them and shows them around. they come to a beautiful mansion overlooking a wonderful lake with mountains in the background and St peter says to the bus driver here this is yours to enjoy. the vicar is amazed and thinks to himself if a bus driver gets this wonderful mansion what's my place going to be like! St peter leads him on into a wood it begins to get dark and then they come to a little clearing with a hut in the middle. st peter says 'and this is for you to live in'. the vicar can't believe it and protests ' how come a bus driver gets such a beatiful mansion and i only get this little hut, I preacheD over 2,000 sermons for the Lord while i was on earth. 'Ah well that's it you see' replies st Peter 'when you preached your sermons people went to sleep but when the Bus driver drove his bus they prayed!!!!!! Subject: Fatigue in the Office Falling asleep at work? Things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands." "I was actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: "...Amen" A vicar was invited by the local girls' school to give a talk to the sixth form about sex. Knowing that his wife read his diary and could be a bit funny about sex, he wrote in his diary 'speak to girls about sailing'. Later that week she met the headmistress of the school in safeways. 'Oh we are looking forward to having your husband speak to the gals'. The wife replied, 'I can't think why he's agreed to it though, he's only done it twice, the first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off!' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jesus However, it's also true that many people today in our post-Christian secular society, don't know much about Jesus Christ, or what he did, or anything to do with Christianity. One hospital chaplain listed some of the replies he was given to the question, 'Would you like Holy Communion?' These are some of the answers: No thanks, I'm Church of England. No thanks, I asked for Cornflakes. No thanks, I've never been circumcised. Cross The Inland revenue received a letter from a man who had just converted to Christianity. And in the light of that this man was reconsidering his life. So he wrote this in his letter to the Inland Revenue - I am having sleepless nights because of the burden of my past. I am therefore enclosing £100 which I forgot to declare. PS If I still can't get to sleep I will send the rest. Joan Collins interviewed in The Sunday Times 'I have never done anything bad to anyone. Never. And that is one of the things I am proud of. I have never hurt anybody. I have never been vicious about anybody, never taken any drugs, never tricked anyone; on the contrary I can say many many people have done it to me - men, husbands, business associates, lawyers, the list is endless... I basically think that when one meets one maker, if I do, there won't be anything I've done that I need to feel ashamed of. Nothing.' Bible GK Chesterton, a novelist from early 20th C, was talking to some friends who asked him the question ' if you were on a desert island and could take only one book, what would it be? the Bible, Shakespeare ? GKC thought for a moment - No, I think it would have to be the Thomas Guide to Practical Shipbuilding Heard about the RE teacher who asked a pupil 'Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?' The reply came 'I didn't, Sir; I was away last week.' So the RE teacher went to the head master. 'Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?' he asked. 'I'm not sure,' said the headmaster. 'I'll come back to you on that one.' The headmaster wrote to the Minister of Education, 'Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?' he asked. Eventually he received the reply, 'You just get the wall rebuilt and we'll see that someone pays the bill.' There are right ways and wrong ways to use the Bible. You might have heard the story of the male vicar who called on a parishioner. He heard noises which suggested someone was in but nobody came to the door. He scribbled Rev. 3.20 [Behold I stand at the door and knock] on the back of his visiting card and popped it through the letterbox. On Sunday morning a lady returned the card. She had been in the bath when the vicar called and so she had added Genesis 3.10 to the back of the card. [That of course says - I heard the voice of thee in the garden and was afraid because I was naked and hid myself. Many years ago in Eastern Tennessee the story went round about a mountain man's contact with some tourists who had camped in the hills round his area. The mountain folk didn't see many tourists in those days. So when the tourists left, this man went to look round the area where they had camped. he found several things they had left behind including a mirror. He had never seen a mirror before. He looked into it longingly and said, I never knew my pappy had his picture took. He was very sentimental about it and took it home. He slipped into the house, climbed into the loft and hid the mirror. His wife saw him do that but didn't say anything. After he went out of the house, she went up to see what he had hidden. She found the mirror, and when she looked into it, she said, 'So that's what the old hag he's been seeing looks like!' Make time The TV is my shepherd, my spiritual life shall not want, It makes me sit down and do nothing for the cause of Christ It demandeth my spare time, it restoreth my desire for things of the world It keepeth me from studying the truth of GOd's word It leadeth me in the path of failure to attend a place of worship Yea, though I live to be 100, I will still pay the rental. My 'telly' is with me, its sound and vision comfort me It prepares a programme for me even in the presence of visitors, when its volume shall be full. Surely comedy and commercials shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in spiritual poverty for ever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stories I’m not brave enough to use for Alpha! This ad spotted in a newspaper.......... FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything. ___________________________________________________________ The Sunbather -------------- Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." Mahatma Ghandi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, and produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?.................................. A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. The Queen was showing the Archbishop around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions broke wind so loudly that it could not be ignored. "Oh dear!" said the Queen, "How embarrassing! I am so sorry about that!" "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment of thought he added: "As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse." A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants downaround her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski-lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees." "I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift." "So, how'd you break your arm?" At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry to the car industry and stated: "If GM had keptup with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:" 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car 95" or "Car NT". But then you would have to buy more seats.6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.9. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need or want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.12. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine._ A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room. There they found a strange-looking woman sitting at the door's entrance. "Welcome to the ladies room," she said. "Be sure to check out our newest feature - a mirror which will award you one wish if you look into it and make a truthful statement. But, be warned, if you say something false you'll be sucked into the mirror and you'll live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women were intrigued so they gave it a shot. The brunette looked into the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three girls." Instantly, the brunette was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three girls." Suddenly, the red head found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited about the possibility of having her wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you." > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said, "Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner." "What did it say on the banners?" Mr. Clinton asked. Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN." Mr. Clinton responded, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner." "What did the banners say?" Saddam asked. "I don't know," replied President Clinton, "I can't read Hebrew." ~ He who laughs last thinks slowest! ~ Is the problem ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care. ~ Give me ambiguity or give me something else. ~ Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else. ~ Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. ~ Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? ~ All generalizations are false. ~ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!" She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face, and pointing out the window she said, "Don't sell that cow!" An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. Without apparent reason, he ambled on over and kicked the turtle clear across the river. "What in the world did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago," the elephant explained. "Wow, what a memory," said the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "I have turtle recall." A church had a man in the choir who could not sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor. "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I am going to resign and the choir members are going to quit too. Please do something." So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir." "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked. "Well, five or six people have told me that you can't sing." "That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"                                      Five cannibals are invited as part of a cultural exchange to a certain Diocesan Office. During the welcoming ceremony the Diocesan Bishop says: "You're all part of our team now. You can gain great experience here, and use the canteen to eat as much as you like, but please don't trouble or distract other staff". The cannibals promise not to trouble or distract other members of staff. Four weeks later the Diocesan Bishop returns and says: "I have had excellent reports and you are all working very hard, and I am delighted with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the Diocesan Bishop had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Diocesan Advisers, Clergy from the College of Canons, members of the Board of Ministry and Mission and Unity so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!" Deserted Islands On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman, and 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunningly beautiful desert (and deserted) islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun. The Super Bowl A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." Lip Prints According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally he principal decided that something had to be done.She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance  man to show the girls how much effort was equired. He took out a long handled squeegee,dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators... Two traveling angels Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.  As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,  "Things aren't always what they seem." the next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his  wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.  The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen?  The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die. "Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it." "Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem." The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.  But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.                            =========BPL======== A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and  made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly." A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150? "It's actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never argue." "That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years! The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. "Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you're right." A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble. "Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!" A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply... "The word is "celebrate." A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me." Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.  Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.  That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?" "No," he said, sniffing me.  "Do I smell like Popeye?"                           A group of blondes in a class at the University of the Pacific were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess. An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!" I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon." "Sure it does," he said. "How else can I see the numbers?"                              A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car fooling around?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today". "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong. One day little Johnny went up to his mother and asked 'Mummy, where did I come from?' His mother sighed and thought that it was probably time to explain the facts of life. So she talked about how two people come together who love each other, and the start of life in the womb, and how babies are born--the whole story. All this time Johnny's eyes grew wider and wider. When his mother had finished, there was a pause. Then Johnny said, 'That's amazing. It sure beats my friend Joey. He told me he comes from Birmingham.' ```````` I had dinner the other evening with a chess grand master. We had a fascinating time. The only problem was that the restaurant had cheque tablecloths--it took him 2 hours to pass the salt. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.        A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.       Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,   and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"        And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems like a very  loud silence. She thinks to herself:  Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been  feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into  some kind of obligation that he want, or isn't sure of.       And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.        And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way  we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just  going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading  toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?       And Roger is thinking: So that means it was ..let's see ...February when   we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.        And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm   reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.      And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they  better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87  degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those  incompetent thieves $600.      And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm  just not sure.        And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!        And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good  person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to  truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school  girl romantic fantasy.      And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take  their warranty and stick it right up their ass!!       "Roger," Elaine says aloud.       "What?" says Roger, startled.      "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..."  (She breaks down, sobbing.)    "What?" says Roger.       "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."       "There's no horse?" says Roger.        "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.       "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.        "It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.        (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.        (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel  that way?" she says.        "What way?" says Roger.       "That way about time," says Elaine.       "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."       (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to   become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)      "Thank you, Roger," she says.      "Thank you," says Roger.      Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.       Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV,  and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses  of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car,  but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what,  and  so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.        The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,  and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,  expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible  ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.       Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of  his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did  Elaine ever own a horse?"        And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women! Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked. "You're coming empty handed ... ?"  A little boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father. "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is". While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful 24 year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly "Son, go get your Mother." I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, pulling in his ample stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon." "Sure it does," he said. "How else can I see the numbers?"                                  A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"                                 An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares...Now what do we tell them for Christmas? Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY." The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."                       A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender comes over, and asks for his order.  The man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What about you?" "I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.  "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20," says the bartender.  Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender.  "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs." The local Pastor was visiting the home of Sister Jones to comfort her after the recent loss of her husband. "Come in Pastor." Stated Sister Jones. "Have a seat on the sofa." Sitting on the sofa, the Pastor eyed a dish of peanuts setting on the coffee table. He took a few of the peanuts and began to eat them. After ten minutes he noticed that he had eaten nearly all the peanuts. "Why Sister Jones," said the Pastor, "It appears that I have eaten almost all your peanuts." "That's okay Pastor." replied Sister Jones. "Now that I have lost all my teeth I only get to suck the chocolate off!"                            The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."                            The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention.  In keeping with his practice, an assistant was assigned to prepare a punchy, 20-minute speech. Upon returning from the big event, the CEO was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." Baffled, the assistant replied, "I wrote you a 20-minute speech.  I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for ..."                            Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums. He walks  up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out,"Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..." An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby?  He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager.  "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life.  He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory.  He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory.  (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.') On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How," said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief. More Church  Bloopers Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with thanks. Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience." The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. To Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0,but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please?!?! Thank You, Jane Dear Jane: This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0 In desperation, to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.  Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3 I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\    I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return  to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0.  Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran . Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fixes Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!" A TODDLER'S PROPERTY LAWS: 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hand, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. 8. If I think it's mine, it's mine. 9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine. 10. If it breaks, it's yours. John Madden was in Philadelphia to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Eagles' bench.  He asked a nearby player what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God.  John asked if he could use it. The player told him " Sure, but it will cost you $100." John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I need a break picking games.  He pulled out his wallet and paid $100.  John was perfect that week. The next week John was in St. Louis when he noticed the same kind of phone on the Rams bench.  He asked what the telephone was for and was told,  "It's a hotline to God, If you want to use it , it will cost you $100." Recalling last week, John pulled out his wallet and made the call.  John was perfect that week. The next weekend John was in Nashville at Adelphia Coliseum when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Titans' bench.  He asked Jeff Fisher "Is that the hotline to God?" Jeff said, "Yes, but it will cost you 35 cents." John looked incredulously at Jeff and said. "Wait a second, I just paid $100 in Philadelphia and St Louis to use the same phone to God! Why does Nashville only charge 35 cents?" Jeff looked at John and replied, "In Nashville, its a local call." Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. There's no trick or surprise.  Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them. Now, arrow down (but not too fast, you might miss something). Think of a number from 1 to 10. Multiply that number by 9. If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together. Now subtract 5. Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c, etc.). Think of a country that starts with that letter. Remember the last letter in the name of that country. Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter. Are you thinking of Kangaroos in Denmark? If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Pastor Search Committee Report In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements. Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts. Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things. Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out. David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not 'fallen.' Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches. Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure. Hosea: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute. Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the neck.' Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs. John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper. Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly. Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long. Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position. Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial.  He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions. And, our choice is: Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor. Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search. Sincerely, The Pastoral Search Committee. This story is about a rather strange reply for a campground reservation.  It is said to be true, but you be the judge. A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities.  She just couldn't bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM COMMODE.'  But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward.  So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C.  'Does the campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about.  That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either.  So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: 'Dear Madam:  I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.  I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it.  They usually arrive early and stay late.' 'The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there.  It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats.  They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.' 'I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part.  As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.' 'If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.' 'Remember, this is a friendly community.' A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.  He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs.  So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.  He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet. A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt every place on my body." The doctor says, "That's impossible!" She explains, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts." The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blond, aren't you?" The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken." A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours later. The husband was at their appointed meeting place at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented. Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful blonde on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said, "Please, talk to me! Quick!" She said, "Why?" "Because I've been looking for my wife all over this mall and I can't find her," the man replied. "How will talking to me help you find your wife? I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is." "I didn't think you did. However, every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears!" An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'" ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND Sign in a laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL. Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Sign in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he`s on a beach. The sand is purple. He can`t believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He`s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.  "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve been marooned!!" There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars & places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.  St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!" Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to go to a party instead and they didn't get any studying done.   When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was." Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack.  One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight.  Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing.  Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure.  Charlie played hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse.  Sure enough the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time.  He was now ahead $1000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one.  Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed.  He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race.  Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last! Charlie was crushed.  He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings.Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed?  Why didn't it win like the others?" "That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites." Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.   As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee who was taking their order, "Could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"   The girl looked at her curiously, then leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing" There are these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.   Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have something you can sell to us - tell us,do you have any sustenance for  us?" The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands." The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of  fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you  can sell us some skins of water." The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen,  tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl  of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry on top," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."   The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate,"  ('cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll bloody die. We've been travelling without water for days and  need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration." The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether  they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but  each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of  jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun.   As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market  in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied......  "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar" Now that all the kids are back to school after the long holiday break, we thought you'd enjoy some excuses to use for them. * My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. * Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. * Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33. * Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. * Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. * John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. * Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. * Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. * Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. * Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. * Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. * Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. * Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. * Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. * Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. * My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. * Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. * Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. * Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. * Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. * Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. George had a girlfriend named Lorraine, who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite taken by her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, George was a loyal man and he wouldn't  date Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then, one day they went for a walk along the river bank when suddenly Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. George stopped by the river for a moment and then ran off smiling... and singing............ "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone." Do you know what happens when you play a Country record backwards? You get your wife back, your truck back, your dog back and you stop drinking Greeting on a psychiatric helpline: Hello! If you are an obsessive compulsive,please press (1) repeatedly. If you are co-dependent,get someone to press (2) for you. If you have multiple personalities,please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are a paraniod-delusional, we know who you are and what you want and in a while someone will trace your call. If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press because no one cares and no one will answer. A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you !  I've missed your lovin' so much !" The wife, keeping her  distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica." It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.  He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures, etc.  He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads $10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign.  The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.  He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Denver, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrives in the South .  Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone.  But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25  cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor.  "Reverend, I have been in cities  all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and  I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute.  Your sign reads  25 cents a call.  Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now.  It's a local call." A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?" "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece," says Morris. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already." A DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven.  Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?"  There was a short pause and then the DJ said, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong.  This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill." Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe." Jill was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her starting growing. The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Jill continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally Jill gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Jill said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you." A rich man was near death, and was saddened because he had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth along. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry," the angel said, "but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might make an allowance. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.  Overjoyed, the man got his largest suitcase, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed.  Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission, and told him to verify his story with God. St. Peter checked and came back saying, "You're right.  You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." He opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind, and exclaimed, "You brought PAVEMENT???" Late one afternoon, the Air Force guys out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story is that he took off out of Las Vegas, got lost and found the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force starts a full security check on the guy and hold him overnight. The next day they are finally convinced that the guy really was lost and is not a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you did not see a base" briefing complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison. They say Vegas is that-a-way on this heading and send him off. The next day, here comes the Cessna again. Once again the MPs surround the plane, only this time there are two people in the plane. The same pilot jumps out and says: "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night....." At a revival in Sevierville, Tennessee, a barber was 'saved.' The preacher told him that since he was a barber and got to meet a lot of people, he could do a great work for the Lord if he would talk to them about religion and salvation. When he asked how he could get into a conversation like that with his customers, the preacher said, 'Just do it casually. Talk to them about their soul, ask if their house is in order, if they are prepared to die, and so on.' "The first man to come in the next day wanted a shave, so the barber put a hot towel over him, talking about the weather and what-not, and then after he had lathered the man up good, he figured it was time to get down to the religion part. He grabbed up his razor, stropped it a few times, pointed at the man, and said bluntly, 'Brother, are you prepared to die?' "The man jumped up and ran out of the barbershop with the lather still on his face." An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Chocolate, too. The driver, being a sensitive man - as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed him. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?" The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car booth and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead bunny and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and chocolate, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved, and hopped on down the road another fifty yards, turned around, waved, hopped another fifty yards, turned around, and waved again!!! The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." POOF! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari." POOF! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." POOF! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates. There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and   the other with a Chihuahua.  The guy with the Doberman says   to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get   something to eat."   The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there.   We've got dogs with us."   The buddy with the Doberman says, "Just follow my lead."   They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman   puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.   The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets   allowed." The man with the Doberman says, "You don't   understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."   The bouncer says, "A Doberman?"   He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."   The man at the door says, "Come on in."   The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so   he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.   Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."   The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand.   This is my seeing-eye dog."   The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"   The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave   me a Chihuahua?!" A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her." Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine." A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."  The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read "Consultation: $250.00." The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter- viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it." The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Bubba, who is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." Next day, the FBI agents descend on Bubba's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They glare at Bubba and leave. The phone rings at Bubba's house. "Hey, Bubba! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep" "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed." One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!" Melissa walks into a vet's waiting room, dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," Melissa says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him. "I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says Melissa, slightly   embarrassed. Fluffy squats in the middle of the room and leaves a deposit. Melissa, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and chases it out of the office. As Melissa leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, "Pardon me, but I just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!" A couple accused each other of being deaf. One day as the husband came into the end of their 30 foot living room, he saw his wife standing with her back to him reading the newspaper. Thought he: "I'll check her out!" So he said, "Darling, can you hear me?" - no response. He went halfway across the room and repeated the question, still no response; so he went right up behind her and again said, "Darling, can you hear me?" At this point his wife turned to face him and said, 'For the third time, "Yes" >ACCIDENT OF EVOLUTION? > >An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the >"Accident of Evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What >powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. > >As he was walking along the river he heard rustling in the bushes. As >he turned, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging him. > >He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder >and saw that the bear was closing in. He tried to run faster, so >scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder >again, and the bear was even closer. > >His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run faster, but he >tripped and fell. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear >right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. > >At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" > >Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the >river even stopped. > >A bright light shone on the man, and a voice came out of the sky >saying, "You deny my existence all these years, teach others I don't >exist and credit my creation to a cosmic accident, and now you expect >me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a >believer?" > >The atheist, ever proud, looked to the light and said, "It would be >hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could >you make the bear a Christian?" > >"Very well," said the voice. > >As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest >continued, the bear put his paw down. > >The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, >"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I thank you." When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" Doc asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," Doc said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime!" On a balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming from one of three huts on an island they thought was deserted.  Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a "survivor."  He said, "I'm so glad you're here!  I've been alone on this island for more than three years!" The captain of the ship replied, "But we saw THREE huts." The survivor said, "Oh.  Well, I live in one, and go to church in another." "What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain. "That's where I USED to go to church." A very distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next lecture, and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can." The professor said "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back of the room while you try to give the presentation." The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation. The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question." A fellow stopped at for gas and, after filling up, he paid the bill and bought soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. . . One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. Completely mystified, the fellow walks up to workers and say, "OK.. hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we're union, and we work for the state," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything.  Aren't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.  "Normally, there's three of us--me, Freddie, and Tom. I dig the hole, Freddie places in the tree, and Tom here puts the dirt back.  Union says that just because Freddie's out sick, that don't mean that Tom & me shouldn't work!" The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter.  The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves." A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life. He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care.  As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother. "How is my cat?" he asked.  "Your cat is dead," came the reply. "Oh my," he exclaimed.  "Did you have to tell me that way?" "How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother. "You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor.  "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down.  When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him.  Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away.  That way it wouldn't have been such a shock. "By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?" "Mother?" came the reply.  "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down." The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, at the end of the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute organist became the regular organist. A prison inmate in California had a very large nose. When Governor Gray Davis granted him a pardon, the inmate was afraid to leave lest he would be recognized by his prominent proboscis and attacked by his enemies. He petitioned the Governor to provide him with plastic surgery before he was let out. Back came a personal note from Governor Davis: "I'm sorry, but I never promised you a nose-pardon." Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling: PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" MARY,MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?" MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!" CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple." MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?" GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?" LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days." SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?" THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!" I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention......." A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back. Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!" Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time. Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate. One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him. To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help. "But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden. "Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place." After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me." The salesman rang the bell in a suburban home and the door was opened by a young boy puffing on a long, black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the youngster, "Sonny, is your mother in?'"  The boy removed his cigar, flicked off the ashes, and asked, "What do you think?"   Martin had just received his brand new drivers license.  The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.  Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.  "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then, my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the CEO whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' The Pope replies, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed." "Well," says the Tyson CEO, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the Tyson CEO says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'" The Tyson CEO turns to leave and says, "Please consider our final offer and let me know by week's end." The next day, the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news, and there is some bad news, he announces. "The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars." "And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Wonder bread account." A young girl's folks had paid a visit to the home of a neighbor one evening. The neighbor thought naturally,  when she answered the doorbell the next morning and  found the little girl at the door, that her parents had forgotten something....   "Please, Mrs. Johnston," said the girl, "may I look at   your living room rug?"   The woman was surprised but said, "Why, of course, Jennie.   Come on in. It's right over here."   The little girl stared at the rug for several minutes.   Then she turned to its owner and said unabashedly,  "Well, It doesn't make me sick." Sherlock Holmes turned to Or Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door." "Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?" "It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson." ~ A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly. ~ A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. ~ A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. ~ A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. ~ A fool and his money are soon partying. ~ A job is nice, but it interferes with my life. ~ A lie stands on one leg, truth on two. ~ After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. ~ All men are idiots. And I married their King. ~ An apple a day keeps the doctor from having to remind us that he has not made a house call since 1966. ~ Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. ~ As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. ~ Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life. ~ Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ~ Better living through denial. ~ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet. ~ Book (n): a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman. ~ Buy the new Pentium IV so you can reboot faster. ~ Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? ~ Do you overthrow a puppet government with toy guns? ~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are NOT a hypochondriac. ~ Does it concern you that the word "practice" is on your doctor's door? ~ Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. ~ Drive carefully. We need every taxpayer we can get. ~ Due to budget constraints and energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off. ~ Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines ~ Every morning is the dawn of a new error. ~ Feed your faith and doubt will starve to death. ~ File not found. Should I fake it (Y/N)? ~ Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked. ~ God gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets. ~ God's retirement plan is out of this world. ~ Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the law. ~ Have a great weekend . . . unless you have other plans. ~ Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? ~ Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it? ~ He who angers you controls you. ~ He's a gross ignoramus: 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. ~ How did a fool and his money GET together? ~ How do you get off a non-stop flight? ~ How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented, but just didn't have anything to jot it down on? ~ Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. ~ I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and.. ~ I don't question YOUR existence. - God ~ I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." ~ I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust." ~ If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose? ~ If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? ~ If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically He Wants Attention," I would quit my job and work for his campaign. ~ If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. ~ If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? ~ If God is your co-pilot, swap seats. ~ If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? ~ If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. ~ If you don't like the news, go out and make some. ~ If you jog backwards, will you GAIN weight? ~ Ignore apathy. ~ I'm a peripheral visionary. ~ I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. ~ Introducing "LITE" -- the new way to spell "LIGHT" with 20% fewer letters! ~ Is it okay to listen to an AM radio station after noon? ~ Is there an exception to the rule that states, "There is an exception to every rule"? ~ It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're gonna steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~ It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. ~ I've told you seven million times not to exaggerate! ~ Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. ~ Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I ~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. ~ Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. ~ Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. ~ Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. ~ Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position. ~ My weight is perfect for my height...which varies. ~ Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. ~ No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind. ~ Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience! ~ On a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. ~ On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. ~ One who lacks courage to start has already finished. ~ Our favorite attitude should be gratitude. ~ our secrets are safe with me and all my friends. ~ People will believe I am confident in my successes if I keep the look of astonishment off my face. ~ Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! ~ Punctual people have nothing better to do. ~ Put this in your e-mail sig! "Notice: Spelling mistakes above left in for people who need to correct others to make their life fulfilled." ~ Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ~ Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them. ~ Science tells use we only use 15% of our brain, but I wonder what we do with the other ~ Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. ~ Stock up and save. Limit: one. ~ Succeed, in spite of management. ~ Success is more attitude than aptitude. ~ Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. ~ The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it. ~ The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. ~ The enemy of great is good. ~ The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything. ~ The road to success is always under construction. ~ The Scots invented golf, which might explain why they invented Scotch. ~ The trouble with political jokes is they get elected. ~ The word "love" can have many different meanings, but it loses value when overly used and has no value if never spoken or shown to others. ~ They told me I was gullible. I believed them. ~ Things could be worse...Martha Stewart could be your mother-in-law. ~ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Time is money. Money talks. Talk is cheap. ~ To err is human, but it's against company policy. ~ To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. ~ Virtual reality is its own reward. ~ We don't change God's message. His message changes us. ~ Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! ~ What do chickens think we taste like? ~ What do people in China call their good plates? ~ What do you call a male Ladybug? ~ What's another word for thesaurus? ~ What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon. ~ When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? ~ When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. ~ Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? ~ Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? ~ Why do slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing? ~ Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? ~ You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat the people they don't need. ~ You don't get old, you just become a classic. ~ You wouldn't know an act of kindness if it hit you in the face! ~ Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends. ~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace. When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after making attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name?" "Joe," he mumbled. "Where're you from, Joe?" Joe responded painfully...  "The balcony." Aboard an El Al flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.  They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping. The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort. When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.  "The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?" The Dentist's Hymn:..................Crown Him With Many Crowns The Weatherman's Hymn.........There shall be showers of Blessing The Contractor's Hymn.............The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn.....................Holy,Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn....................There is A Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn...............Standing on the Promises The Optometrist's Hymn...........Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn..............I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn..................Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn............Send the Light The Shopper's Hymn...............Sweet By and By The Realtors Hymn..................I've got a mansion, just over the hilltop It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded. During his sermon a young wife in the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame. She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher. He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit. The minister paused, took the note with a smile, which turned into a terrific frown as he read: "Please hurry home and shut off the gas." By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" "Well, I had to toss it 14 times." Two young church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced rude young people were rudely sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really should move your cat." A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!" The preacher sat down. The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, 'Shall we gather at the river." A man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?" God answered: "A million years is like a minute." Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny." Finally the man asked, "God, could you give me a penny?" And God says, "In a minute." A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." Knowing that the pastor was very fond of cherry brandy, a church elder with a sense of humor offered to present him with a bottle on one condition - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church bulletin. "Gladly," responded the good man, who always enjoyed a challenge. When the church bulletin was passed out the next Sunday, the elder turned at once to "In Appreciation" column on teh back page, where he read, "The pastor extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit -- and for the spirit in which it was given." A preacher was out in the community visiting his church members. At one house, though it appeared someone was home, no one came to the door. After he had knocked several times and called out, the preacher left a note. "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me." (Revelations 3:20) The next Sunday, the preacher found a response in the collection plate: "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself." [Genesis 3:10) A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed." Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." appropriate action." On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!" In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally passed away so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "Thank you. I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off. "Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in the Pentagon." Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet." Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest. The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine." The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession." The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?" The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house. Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the cat, and said "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!" Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money. Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it. So, one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation. "Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money." His instructor said, "What happened?" Paul replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off!" A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down. After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish." The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?" "Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up." A group of women were talking together. One woman said, "Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday." Another said: "That's nothing. Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven." A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, "Why, it's so bad in our church on Sundays that when the minister says 'dearly beloved,' it makes me blush." A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain." Well, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor former-communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph what the official party line would be on this subject." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, would you say it is raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," Rudolph replied, and walked on. "See? There you have the official word," the man quietly replied. "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!" There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me." "Sugar!" "Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500." "Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much." "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000!" "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. okay?" "Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye. I do too." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present, "Does anyone know whose phone this is? Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious." A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between the ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to do something about you too." Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly We three kings of porridge and tar On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. He's makin' a list, chicken and rice. Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. With the jelly toast proclaim Olive, the other reindeer. Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say Sleep in heavenly peas In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown You'll go down in Listerine Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay O come, froggy faithful You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require" Good tidings we bring to you and your kid Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday Back to mainindex