Women, like children, were generally expected to be seen and not heard. This was reflected in their clothing, although more so after the War Between the States than before or during the War, not only in the concealing styles of the day, but also in the change from often bright and vivid (and often horribly mismatched or clashing) colors to colors that reflected a more sober, somber spirit.

Good manners and an orderly way of life were taught to children from childhood. Good manners, they said, cost you nothing; it is the lack of good manners that may cost you dearly in time. Ladies in particular needed to be schooled in the etiquette of the day virtually from the crib on, as the conventions surrounding their lives required a knowledge not only of what was expected of them, but what they should expect from gentlemen - and how to deal with the social transgressions and indelicacies of men who may not be gentlemen. Then - as now - gentlemen had less at risk in terms of reputation than did ladies, although the attention gentlemen paid to their own reputations then was far greater then than most men pay to their reputations today. Folks of the Victorian era found themselves in agreement with the Bible where, in Proverbs 22:1, we read that "A good name is to be more desired than great riches".

The prevailing attitude of the 19th century was that ladies were delicate, and required the protection of men and society. At the same time, a lady’s reputation was also considered extremely fragile; she had an obligation to guard her reputation carefully for that reason, if no other.

To avoid even the appearance of impropriety, ladies were to comport themselves publicly in such a manner as to suggest that they were all but oblivious to the existence of gentlemen not known to them. While gentlemen were expected to give way to ladies on the streets and on the walkways, they were also expected to turn a blind eye toward ladies unknown to them. A lady, no matter whether young or old, would never try to attract the attention or admiration of the opposite sex when on a public street. To men known to them, however, ladies were expected to be the initiators of public contact with those gentlemen when circumstance and occasion warranted it.

An offer of assistance from a gentleman, though, was expected to be graciously accepted by a lady as her proper due from a gentleman. Gentlemen are expected to assist a lady in leaving a carriage, or crossing a muddy area or a busy street, for example. A true gentleman would not allow a lady to get a chair herself, pick up a dropped item, or perform a service that a gentleman can do for her. Such offers of assistance should not be considered extraordinary or presumptuous.

The occasions on which a married lady might be out and about without an escort are far more frequent than fanciful imaginations might think. Ladies may walk unattended in the street, although it is not considered well-advised in the case of single, young ladies. A lady is to take care to not walk with a hurried step or to look backward over her shoulder. A lady likewise would not commonly take notice of just anyone who ventures to address her. It is inappropriate and rude for a lady to stand in front of shop windows and stare in. Ladies are expected to make sure that they return home before dark; it is not at all advisable for them to be out even after dusk.

While an intimate male friend could make his presence know to the lady, it was otherwise considered the responsibility of the lady to acknowledge a gentleman or to engage him in conversation, and she retained the right to pass him by, as well. Should she wish to engage in some level of social interchange with him, she could do so by nodding her acknowledgment to him, emboldening him to briefly speak with her. By the same token, she could open the corridors for social intercourse by speaking his name aloud, or by slowing to meet him. Once having publicly admitted an acquaintance with the gentleman through the means mentioned, the gentleman then had license to address the lady - but little more. The public streets were no place for a lady and a gentleman to stand and carry on a conversation. Common sense and courtesy dictated, of course, that they step to the side of the street or the walk so as to not present an obstacle around which others must travel.

A woman was expected to refrain from speaking with a man in public unless she had previously made his acquaintance through the proper social forms. When a lady would be publicly hailed or addressed in any way by a gentleman unknown to her, her several options were aimed toward setting him straight. She could ignore the gentleman entirely, the rebuff speaking eloquently of his breach of conduct, and continue on her way. She could also act as though she did not understand him, and again proceed on her way. A lady would rarely speak to a man to whom she had not been properly introduced, and a lady would never allow herself to be introduced to any gentleman without first giving her permission to be introduced.

A breach of etiquette may be expected now and again, of course, for not all men and women are well-bred. Too, there are times when, as a matter of necessity, some areas of etiquette must be breached. For example, a gentleman in need of directions could be pardoned for such a breach of etiquette, although he should certainly seek out other men for assistance before approaching a lady. When approached in that fashion and for reasonable cause, a lady must make a judgment as to the character of the gentleman, much like judging a book by its cover, and determine whether she will respond to his request for aid.

Rather than engage in conversation while halted on a public street, the lady would most often continue in her path, the gentleman joining her in her walk to her destination as long as he received her consent to do so. The custom of asking permission to join the lady allowed her an escape mechanism when they reached a point when it was appropriate for her to be rid of the gentleman. Having given permission to the gentleman to join her, she could withdraw that same permission. The fact that the gentleman asked her permission, and consequently asked permission to engage her in conversation, also gave the lady a moment to consider whether she should and would extend such an invitation to him or decline the pleasure of his company, with thanks. Whether he was allowed to join her or not, standing about on the streets was no place for a lady to be seen in protracted conversation with a gentleman. A few brief comments on the street constituted the extent of a proper period of conversational exchange.

An outright refusal to allow the gentleman to accompany the lady would be rude, and even declining the request in a gentler, but still direct form might be considered something of an offense. The lady could certainly proffer an excuse that she had matters to which she must attend alone, though, without giving offense. That response should be sufficient to any gentleman to let him know that his presence was not required and perhaps would be inappropriate or unwanted for the time being. Whether she accepts his company or not, her answer should be given both quietly and with grace. Ladies are never to be loud, and never to be unmannerly. Should the gentleman walk along with the lady, it is his duty to accommodate his speed to match the speed of the lady.

The onus is upon the gentleman to keep a conversation brief. He will know that it is acceptable to continue the conversation after he excuses himself only if the lady asks him to please continue with her. Again, to protect against even the appearance of impropriety, if the gentleman lacks the good manners to bring the conversation to a close when he should, the lady will then have to take it upon herself to end the conversation.

Even when a lady knows and speaks with more than one man, it is improper for her to take the arm of two men flanking her at the same time. A married lady usually leans upon the arm of her husband. Single ladies do not take the arm of a gentleman in the daytime unless they are willing to acknowledge an engagement. Shows of affection in public - even between married people - are considered displays of brazen vulgarity.

Ladies walk in a measured gait, taking small gliding steps. If it is necessary for her to raise her skirts to avoid a puddle, she is to raise them only slightly, and on one side. Using both hands and exposing more than an ankle is considered vulgar.

When out and about, gentlemen are expected to wear gloves on the street. However, the wearing of gloves for men is not confined to the street, but includes church and other formal occasions, unless while out or in attendance at a formal event they are eating or drinking. White or cream-colored gloves are commonly worn by gentlemen in the evening, while grey or other darker colors are to be used for day wear.

All gentlemen and boys should regard all of those of the female gender as "ladies" (the descriptive "woman" usually being reserved for women whose reputation may be questionable, or even demonstrably soiled). Regardless of the lady’s reputation, though, it must be remarked that true gentlemen do not treat the female sex as "ladies" because all those of the female gender are ladies; they treat the fairer sex as ladies because they, as men, are gentlemen.

A gentleman is to stand up when a lady enters a room; in a large room where there are many people, stand up when a lady comes into your presence. Stand up when a lady stands. Offer a lady your seat if no others are available. Assist a lady with her chair when she sits down or stands, especially when at a table or when the chairs are large and heavy. Open doors for a lady and allow her to pass through them before you.

When ascending a staircase with a lady or ladies, a gentleman is to go at their side or before them. A gentleman's duty is to lead a lady, and her duty is to follow him.

A lady should never be neglected. Gentlemen should help a lady with her coat, cloak, shawl, or other outer garment that she desires to remove in order to be more comfortable in the room. Offer to fetch refreshments for a lady if refreshments are available.

It is impolite to spit in public, and most particularly around ladies. Gentlemen are also not to use tobacco in any form when ladies are present, but to reserve the indulgence of their vice for the company of men. As a general rule, it is also considered a serious breach of etiquette to dip from another person’s snuff box - unless the dip from another person’s box is first offered to you.

Of course, cursing or discussing "inappropriate" or "impolite" subjects when ladies are present is a social taboo. Loud conversation is, in and of itself, a great social faux pas. Writing on a wall, sitting on the floor, or throwing things onto the floor are glaring vulgarities as well. Even stamping the feet at a dance is a faux pas.

The ladies' dressing room, whether in a home (should they be so well-heeled) or a public place, is a private, sacred sanctuary. No gentleman would presume to look into such a place. Entering it would be an outrage that would not brook forgiveness.

Cleanliness is always appreciated. An etiquette manual of the period said, "If you wish to pass for a well-bred person, keep clean. It is far better to dress coarsely and out of fashion and be strictly clean than to cover a dirty shin with the finest and richest clothing. A coarse shirt or a calico dress is not necessarily vulgar, but dirt is essentially so."

Humility is rarely misunderstood, and even more rarely is it offensive to any. Always consider others first, and yourself last. The very cornerstone of good manners is a spirit of self-denial and deference to others ("ladies first", and "after you" are two excellent ways to remember this fundamental exercise in mannerliness). This principle is an essential element of Christian character, as spoken by the One who humbled Himself and took the form of an infant, and became fully Man who was also fully God; it was He who said in Matthew 20: 26 - 28 to His disciples, "...whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many". The principle of "the last shall be first, and the first last" is one that should govern our manners.

Practice modesty in all situations. "Why, I guess I was just in the right place at the right time" would be a pleasing expression to hear from you upon your learning that you had just won the Pulitzer Prize. "Of course I deserve it" would qualify you as being "uppity".

All your actions should therefore be so unexceptionable as to give you a frankness of character that will inspire confidence in yourself in the presence of the most exalted or venerated of your friends.