Patriarch Rebukes Saint!

Today, on 18th of September, Patriarch Ulmeus committed an unprecedented act when she rebuked two of the lesser saints of the church!

The culprits, Blessed Iain Gray and Blessed Jackie Baillie stand accused of hiding from the press in the courtyard of heaven, near the statue of our forebear John Knox, in order that they can smoke unobserved.

A passer-by commented today "It is horrible! There are little mounds of stubs all over the floor and, I'll have you know, the little divines next door are being blamed for it!"

The leader of the little divines today affirmed that this was true and called on the Patriarch to discipline these heinous offenders.

Patriarch Ulmeus condemned this action, saying "It is disgraceful that one of our saints should behave so. I call on them to go and clear up the mounds on the Mound, and I rebuke them too!"

Blessed Iain and Blessed Jackie were unavailable for comment.