m y . t h o u g h t s . o n . t h i n g s

2/12/03:
This is from my journal entry on May 18, 2002. I thought it might start this whole essay off pretty good:

I'm at the point in my life where I'm realizing that there has got to be something that inspires us to keep living day after day...something that in and out of itself, IS a reason to live. Many people choose some type of religion as their meaning to life, but what void exists that we use religion to fill?
the need for happiness?
the need for love?
or simply the need to have meaning in our lives?

Religion fills all of these needs. SO, maybe the ultimate purpose to life is to be happy? or to love? or to find meaning? I can't decide what to live for...or to make my ultimate goal, for I don't know the goal to life itself.

Should I live to find happiness? Should I strive to do whatever makes me happy in all things? But, what is happiness? We can choose to make ourselves happy and if we are able to be happy in any situation, then happiness would be freely available and not pose as an unachieved goal we are still striving for.

Should I live to love others and to find love? This idea seems popular in movies (as from Moulin Rouge: 'The only thing is just to love and be loved in return.') But, is love the only thing? If love were the meaning to life, why aren't we all just sitting around telling everyone how much we love each other all day long? Why do we sacrifice love and relationships to accomplish other things, like careers? Love (like happiness) is a great thing, but it seems like there is more that pushes us on.

Should I then live for the search for meaning? Should the fact that I haven't found meaning yet keep me going everyday? It that the point to it all? To try and find the meaning? If so, then this life (to put it as simply as possible) SUCKS!! The point to it all is to continue in circles always searching for something that isn't really there??!!! It takes away the drive to live knowing that the meaning can never be found.

I am still lost without a meaning and I still wonder why I should keep myself going. Sometimes I want to just curl up in a ball and die so I won't have to think about it right now. But I can't, and I won't. But I also can't ignore the fact that I feel so purposeless and that life itself is so unfufilling.

What do I want? I want answers. I want purpose. I want to know why I so desperately have the desire to find meaning.

I want something to live for.

(written Jan. 2003)
So, why do I live then? What do I want from life? I’ve really been challenged recently to figure this out and know what I want. And I think that figuring this out is something that everyone should probably do. But it really is hard to figure out. I don’t even think I know it all yet...but still, what do I want? I guess I’ll start what I know:
• I want to be the type of person who is liked and respected by others.
• I want to experience love. (both romantic and brotherly)
• I want my life to make sense.
• I want closure, a sense of finality.
• I want to enjoy what I know of life.
• I want to make a difference in the grand scheme of things.

And I think that, above all, I just want to be happy. Truly happy. The kind of happy that comes from fulfillment and contentment of all that is. That is what I want. But how do I get happiness? I think equally important to knowing what we want is knowing how to come by it. So, then for my next question...What makes me happy? This I’ve discovered, is all about the little things. So, what makes me happy? (this list is not exhaustive):
• playing with kids
• eating mint chocolate chip ice cream
• the first warm, sunny days of the year
• secretly helping others out, without being recognized, just for the point of helping out
• playing old fashioned board games with my sisters
• camping, not showering for three days and not caring...
• then getting to finally take a shower
• being alone, with all the space I need to think
• watching a really, really good movie
• having deep conversations with someone I didn’t know could think that way
• laying in bed after a hard day of work, knowing that I really accomplished something
• realizing that I truly care about someone and that that vulnerability is ok with me
• being surprised at my own boldness and self-confidence
• getting a tan (the old fashioned way, NOT stupid tanning beds)
• learning something new and cool
• hanging out with friends who know EXACTLY who I am and don’t care
• laughing so hard that I feel like I’ve been doing sit-ups

There’s so much more that makes me happy, but in reality, most of those things are the smaller details in life. Maybe that’s just what I have to focus on - the little things. Just living. Making the most of what I have right now.

Granted, I don’t know if being happy is the meaning to life, perhaps it’s not - but I don’t know of any other way to go right now, and at least this gives me something to fashion my life around right now...

last updated:
9/21/04