Do not click on any of these adverts

Conspiracy #162

Is Steven Hawking really disabled?

A recent survey revealed that 87.236% of the British public could recognise a picture of the wheelchair bound physicist Steven Hawking. But why should this be? When asked, only 0.345% could name another famous (living) scientist. I therefore propose the theory that Steven Hawking is if fact not disabled, but merely puts on this devious charade in public in order to further his career.

 Born 300 years after the gravity inventing Sir Isaac Newton, Hawking was a healthy, able-bodied baby, almost the complete opposite of the fully-grown, disabled man we see today. The young Hawking decided to learn more about science in general, and in particular physics. He was an average student who although proficient in the subject showed no discernable flair for inventing his own grand cosmological theories. The still able-bodied trickster Hawking, managed at the age of 19 to secure a place at the much-vaunted Cambridge University in the leafy suburbs of Oxfordshire.

 It was here that Hawking started to devise his now famous, but far fetched theories. He started off by writing a scientific paper about the formation & possible destruction of ‘black holes’, however he only intended this to be a joke. For as we all know the phenomenon of black holes was invented in the early 60’s by the American comic book industry as a way to entertain their young gullible readers. How else do you explain the fact that nobody in real life has ever seen a black hole, even with the most powerful telescopes?

To Hawking’s surprise the paper was taken seriously, and was widely proclaimed as being a ‘work of genius’.  Hawking’s audacity grew with each further paper he published, his lies started gathering a momentum of their own and the incredible ideas were greeted with delight by the scientific community. However, some people started to have doubts about the validity of these fantastical theories. At the age of 21 came a turning point in Hawking’s life, thanks largely to his addiction to cigarettes he had temporarily lost his voice. This coincided with the first time anyone openly challenged his scientific work, as the aphasic physicist was unable to reply to these allegations, they quickly died away.

Steven Hawking - The greatest mind in 300 years, or a cheat and a liar?

 Hawking was now seen as a minor celebrity and keen to keep the limelight for himself, he hatched a fiendishly brilliant plan. Inspired by an episode of the original Star Trek in which Spock was rendered completely immobile by a Klingon Batleth (‘The Blackest Hour’ series 3 episode 9), Hawking began faking the early symptoms of Motor Neuron disease. He started to slightly slur his speech & would often ‘accidentally’ lose his balance. Within a year, his plan was completed, restricted to a wheelchair & only able to communicate with the outside world by means of an electronic voice box. Anyone who now attempted to criticise the invalid would incur the wroth of the ‘politically correct’ for mocking the disabled man.

 Now immune from attack by his critics, Hawking published some of the most unbelievable ideas the world has ever seen. His lies included a universe with 26 dimensions, 17 of which are impossible to measure or even detect, and possibly the most ludicrous claim, that space is in fact made up of ‘quantum string’ which as it is on a quantum scale, cannot be observed without being changed.