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Hobbies

This page is dedicated to all of you out there who find that you have too much spare time on your hands, yet lack the imagination of someone like me or Simon Quinlank to think up an interesting hobby or pastime. However, a word of warning, if your idea of an interesting hobby or pastime is collecting coins / stamps / model busses or cuddly toys then you are in the wrong place. Leave now, for the things on this page will surely confound your tiny mind, leaving you bewildered, confused and scared. You have been warned. 

This hobby is called the ‘stating your wrong opinions live on national radio’ hobby. 

This hobby is for people who enjoy engaging in live debates on national radio phone-in programmes, but also think that anyone who has ever been accused of a crime ever is guilty and should be severely punished. 

What you will need for this hobby;

• A radio,

• A telephone and mouth,

• A complete disregard for the truth,

• And a news story where someone accused of a serious crime has been found innocent.

Guilty man OJ Simpson

Wait for a news story to occur, where someone accused of a serious crime has been found innocent, past examples include the large handed ex-American Footballer OJ Simpson and the clumsy but British nanny Louise Woodward. Once such a story has broken, listen to the radio to find a national phone-in programme regarding this story; the Nicky Campbell programme on BBC Radio Five Live is a good place to start. Use the telephone to phone up the radio station, when the programme's researcher answers the call, say these words with your mouth: 

‘Hello, my name is (insert your name here), and I think that (insert the name of the person recently found innocent of a serious crime here) is guilty and has * got away with murder.’ 

British child killer Louise Woodward

Due to the controversial nature of your opinions you will almost certainly be put on the air, at which point repeat the statement you said to the researcher with your mouth. Now comes the difficult part, you must attempt to justify your contentious viewpoint, the only rule here is that your arguments must include the phrases ‘there’s no smoke without fire’ and ‘hanging’s too good for him/her’. Remember, you must continue stating that the person found to be innocent of committing a serious crime is actually guilty, no matter how compelling the evidence is to the contrary. You may also like to use the phrase ‘yes well, it all sounds a little bit too convenient to me’ when confronted by any such evidence, or as a last resort you may also say ‘well, you can prove anything with facts’ before hanging up. 

Once your call has ended you must wait for another news story where someone accused of a serious crime has been found innocent, however, this may take some time. Alternatively you may want to commit a serious crime yourself in the hope that you will be found innocent. Your nationally spoken words will then be all the more ironic because in this case, the person found innocent of committing a serious crime (you) will actually be guilty and you will be arguing that you should be severely punished for it.   

* If the serious crime that the person was accused of and later found innocent was actually the serious crime of murder then you can insert the word ‘literally’ here.