Ryan Mitchell

(A small temple to Athena, on a hill overlooking Halicarnassus. Ancient Greek Historian Herodotus is deep in prayer.)

Herodotus: And I want a new set of writing quills and I want some new sealing wax and I want some tiny semblance of historical accuracy and I want the respect of my future colleagues and I want

(The large statue of Athena before which he kneels flutters its eyes open)

Herodotus: Sweet Ambrosia!

Statue of Athena: Mind your mouth, mortal! You are aware

(Interrupting excitedly, and bolting to his feet)

Herodotus: Aware that every so often the gods will appear before a pious and prayerful worshipper whom they favor and grant them their deepest desires?

(He is looking up at the statue eagerly and expectantly)

Statue of Athena: No. Aware that your prayers are foolish, self-centered, and fly in the face of the meaning of your religion?

(Herodotus blinks)

Herodotus: Wha-?

Statue of Athena: Fool. What are the gods for?

Herodotus: For? ErrI supposetheygovern the universe and protect mankind and suchandummfight with each otherand explain things anderrand such.

(He scratches his head)

Statue of Athena: Oh, really? You could have fooled me. Here I had always supposed that we represented the innate pathos of the human mind and our purpose was to give concrete reality to the pursuit of abstract ideals. Oops. I suppose I'll go and start dropping new writing quills on people's heads from above, shall I?

Herodotus: Ahhh, Great Athena, I seek only to better the cause of knowledge in this world, surely you, Goddess of Science and Knowledge, seek not to punish a poor old famous many-thousand-scroll-selling historian?

Statue of Athena: And such a humble one. Listen to me, mortal, do not call selling scrolls "Furthering knowledge". You are little more than an entertainer, and a second-rate one at that. Self-interest motivates more than ever I did.

Herodotus: No no no! It is not true! Great goddess! Knowledge! Science! Furthering! Yes!

(He is nodding excitedly and making the thumbs up gesture)

Statue of Athena: When's the last time you saw one of those giant rats that plague the European plains?

Herodotus: Yesterday?

(The statue is silent for several seconds)

Herodotus: Fine, never! But what are a few exaggerations before a great bulk of Truth?

(The statue is silent for several more seconds)

Herodotus: Fine! I'll stop exaggerating at all! I'll renounce everything but what I

(Herodotus gulps)

Herodotus: Actually know.

(He gazes at the statue for several more minutes, waiting, then exclaims)

Herodotus: WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?! WHAT? I'LL FURTHER YOUR BLASTED ABSTRACT IDEAL OF THE PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE AND SCIENCE!!!

(He is apoplectic, red-faced, and hopping in frustration at the statue, as a sudden piercing tone coming from the statue silences him, after several seconds of said tone, it ceases and a completely different, dry, antiseptic female voice speaks)

Female Voice: We're sorry, the god or goddess you are trying to reach has been logically disproven, or did not exist in the first place. If you believe you have reached this message in error, please try again as soon as is feasible as per the rules of your particular religion. Thank you.

(Herodotus blinks and stares at the statue for several minutes, then shakes his head and turns back down the hill toward Halicarnassus)

Herodotus: That's the last time I pray to her during the Great Dionysia. Can't stand to share the blasted spotlight. Women.