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| wonder | Amber | confused | Hopeful | Al | Confused | Disillusioned |
| How Do I Ask Him? | Guy Roommate | Once Bitten Twice Shy | How Do I Ask Him? | Angela | Friendship Sex | Best Friendship Conflict |
How do I know if my boyfriend has feelings for my best friend? He says that he doesn't like her but whenever I see them together they are always laughing or smiling at each other and this makes me really jealous and worried. What should I do?
wonder
Dear wonder, if you want my opinion...
It seems obvious he does like your friend. But I think what you really meant to ask was whether or not your boyfriend is attracted to or has a romantic interest in your friend. The way to determine that is to objectively look at how he behaves around her. Does he act differently around her than he does around any of his other good friends? The examples you gave me of their being friendly and laughing together seem like evidence they are friendly. If there is any more to their relationship it cannot be known from those things alone. If your boyfriend is behaving towards your girlfriend in a manner that is usually only seen between a boyfriend and girlfriend you have a right to be jealous. If he is just being friendly you are being unreasonable and should feel grateful that he gets along with your friend.
Best wishes,
Opinion Guy
All right, so here's the scenario- There was guy, we'll call him Josh..Josh and I met through mutual friends and began talking online a lot. We got along great. I had already found him to be quite attractive, and getting to know him was just the icing on the cake. I fell for him. Within a matter of a couple months, we got pretty close.. He would ALWAYS initiate our conversations, sometimes coming online late at night when he was drunk just to talk to me. He would call me when he was drunk and even sent drunken texts, including one that said something about a proposition he was going to make the next day
Amber
Dear Amber, if you want my opinion…
If you choose to remain friends you can probably expect a lot more of what you have been going through with him.
If you choose to continue trying to have a more serious relationship I have to ask why you would want the problems that a guy who has a drinking problem and would hit on you and then some of your friends in the same evening, might present. Is it really worth it having that kind of trouble and frustration in your life.
If he wants to be friendly, by all means be cordial. If he recognizes he needs help and asks you for it, by all means help him. Don't go out of your way for him uninvited or risk being hurt and disappointed. You have tried to be his friend. You don't owe him anymore than that. If he does not want your help or friendship, there is no dishonor in letting a destructive relationship fade away.
Opinion Guy
I don't understand. I have known this guy for a year. He flirted with me talked to me all the time at church. We used to talk on the phone some we went out once had a great time. He would flirt with me smile at me all the time he even looked at me and sang a song to me of which the last verse says I adore you. I blushed when he did that. He told me we were friends. But if we are friends then why sing that too me. Plus I have two children that didn't bother him one of my children is a special needs child that didn't bother him either. One day out of the blue he told me I not afraid of your daughter and I'm not afraid of her having seizures. But my thinking was, why would he be afraid if we are only friends, plus it's not like we have gone out besides that one time, nor is he around my children to be afraid. So I thought maybe he wanted to be more than friends so I told him how I felt he seemed to fine with it. Then he asked me why I wouldn't let him in and I need to come out of my box. So I wrote him and told him a little about me I thought that's what he wanted. Well it must not have been because now he won't speak to me he ignores me but he still looks at me from across the room when he is singing in the church choir. I don't understand what he wants. So I have just left him alone. My question is do you think he likes me or is he playing around with me emotions.
confused
Dear confused, if you want my opinion…
There are a few possible explanations for this guy's suddenly cold behavior. He may be shy and nervous, he may be trying to put you off because he feels you are more serious than he is willing to deal with, or he may be playing with you. The latter is not very likely, unless he is a complete jerk. As for the other two the only way to determine is to remain friendly with him. If he is interested but nervous or shy, he might eventually give indications, Just don't push him to hard. If he is immature and insensitive he will not return your friendliness and continue to ignore you. If that happens, forget about him. He is not worth the trouble.
Opinion Guy
Hey Opinion Guy....
I'm sure you've heard this countless times before, but I have a big time crush on this guy who's hanging out at our place all the time ('our' place being with my 4 roommates). (BTW - I'm 25, he's 30) I knew him as an acquaintance for a couple years, but this summer things have really picked up in the backyard of our townhouse complex. Now that we all hang out & party together, he's been around our place a lot and we're really getting to know each other. At first I figured it was just because that's where everyone is all the time, but lately, when all the guys are out in other backyards whoopin' it up, he'll often stay in my backyard with me & the couple girls I hang out with. We make eye contact A LOT, and smile at each other A LOT, often talk between each other aside from the group conversation, and use each other as leaning posts when the parties run into the early hours of the morning. I don't know if I'm jumping to conclusions by assuming that he may have interest in me as I do with him, or if he's just being his super-friendly (and super-cute) self. He also insists every now and then that someone take a picture of us together... usually in a rather drunken state though. I've kinda watched from the background & haven't noticed him making the same contact with any of the other girls there, and when I go in the house to get something, or do something, he always welcomes me back to the backyard with a big smile & a cheers & "where have you been?".
This may all point to an obvious interest on both parts, but here's the catch. Yesterday, he was asking me, since I'm a woman.. how he should break the ice with the new receptionist at his work who is apparently drop-dead gorgeous. He told me the story about how they wave back & forth, and how he asked her what she was up to, and how she said "I'm going to get my girlfriend... you know, my GIRLfriend - so don't get any ideas". He asked me if I thought that was an invitation on her behalf, or a total shut-down. Honestly, I think she's lesbian, but wasn't there to read the facial expression or hear the tone of her voice when she said it, so couldn't give him any advice. Part of me thinks he may have told me this story to get a reaction from me (cuz I know guys need reassurance about these things too), but part of me also thinks that he may just be really comfortable around me & likes hanging out as friends & asked me for advice as a friend.
I really really really want to ask him out, but don't know how... and the fact that there are always a million (exaggerating.. haha) people around makes it really hard considering I am not the outspoken, "don't-care-what-anyone-thinks" kinda girl. I know he'd be a great catch.. he's mature, responsible, has a great job, and is a great father to his 2 kids from his previous marriage - which is a far cry from the relationship experiences I've had before. I really don't want to miss out, but really have no clue as to how I should go about making the next move. I will admit, I am totally afraid of being rejected (who isn't), and don't wanna scare him away if he isn't interested because I love hanging out with him, as does everyone else. The closeness of our neighbourhood is making this much more difficult for me for some reason. I haven't told anyone in our neighbourhood group of friends about my crush, nor do I have the guts to ask them about him either, so I'm kinda stuck in the dark and just basing my hopes on the interaction between us. This may sound cheesy, but the only time I ever have the courage to ask him or approach him is when we've been indulging in the beers, but I want the approach to be sober so he'll take it seriously - and remember it the next day.. haha, and so I never let myself do the drunk-talk thing.
I apologize for the small novel, but I had to explain it all. I hope you can give me some insight as to how I should go about persuing something more with him, but not ruining the good times we have now if there's no interest on his behalf.
Thanks in advance,
Hopeful
Dear Hopeful, if you want my opinion...
When ever we Put our heart on our sleeve to tell someone we have feelings for them that may not be reciprocated, we take a chance of being hurt. That is often unavoidable. But as your chosen pseudonym suggests you are hopeful, this guy shares your feelings, and from what you tell me, I think your hope is not unjustified.
If you want your friendship to become more than just a friendship, you may have to risk some hurt. But it does not have to be a devastating experience or an experience that harms your friendship.
You are smart not to tell him your feelings when you or he are drunk. If he is also shy and unsure, he might feel as you do that he cannot rely on something you have said when you and he are not sober. So when you are both sober, and having a conversation, look for opportunities to express your feelings about him in a sincere manner. For instance, tell him how you think he is a good father, that he is mature, that you value his friendship. Maybe even tell him that you think a woman would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend. This would let him know better how deeply you feel, and if he also feels deeply towards you, will encourage him to be more open. At the same time it will also give him some room to accept your comments as a friend without feeling to pressured to respond in kind, in the case that his feelings for you are not as deep. The key is to listen to his responses, to be patient, and to not express disappointment if he does not appear to return your affections.
The purpose of this would be to let him have an idea how you feel without putting you or him in an unnecessarily awkward position. This should minimize any devastating feelings of rejection, and allow you both to continue your friendship either way.
Opinion Guy
Is there any way of trying to catch to see if a shy guy is actually stealing glances at you?
Al
Dear Al, if you want my opinion...
You can occasionally glance around and see if he is looking. Be sure to smile if he makes eye contact or you may spook him. If you are with friends you can get them to tell you if he is checking you out.
Opinion Guy
I like this really shy guy..we see each other like 8 times a week..we don't really know each other that well..just acquaintances..but this is what's been going on:
Help..what's going on?
Confused
Dear Confused, if you want my opinion...
The signals you have observed and listed are all classic symbols that he is interested. Even when he ignores you it is a possible sign of his interest. Because he is shy he is insecure and unable to be sure of his interpretation of your responses towards him. Much the same as you are in doubt about his towards you. When he seems to ignore you it is most likely because he is feeling particularly insecure, and possibly afraid of rejection if he is misinterpreting your signals.
You are going to have to make the first move. If your interactions with him continue to be vague signals that both of you are unsure of it will only lead to anxiety and discomfort. You need to strike up some conversation. He may be very nervous so be prepared for that. Try not to assume he is not interested if he seems anxious or uncomfortable. Keep the conversation light and friendly. Give him time to respond. Once he feels comfortable talking have patience. Build a friendship and a trust. Try not to be guarded with him and he will be open with you eventually. Remember to be patient. It could take some time.
Sincerely,
Opinion Guy
Scenario (in Country A):
I met this guy who comes from Country B and he asked me out. He expressed interest in me but didn't ask if he could date me. The next day the guy has to go back to Country B. The guy would say to drop him an e-mail or something. I did but he didn't reply. A few days later, I tried keeping in contact but the guy simply disappears. I'm the one who did all the initiation after the first date. What exactly are guys trying to do? Why do guys express interest in a girl on a first meeting and then just run away? This has happened to me a couple of times. It seems like guys of all ages do this kind of thing. A 40 year old guy doesn't behave any more mature than a 28 year old guy, in my experience.
Disillusioned
Dear Disillusioned, if you want my opinion...
I am guessing that the two men with whom you have experienced this problem are 28 and 40 years old respectively. Take heart. These two men are not a good representation of "guys of all ages". I understand that is these were the only experiences you have had with men it may well feel that way. And I in no way mean to suggest that there are not other men out there who would do it. I only mean to say that there are still good and considerate guys out there.
As for what this particular fellow was trying to do I can only guess. He may just be inconsiderate. He may also feel the distance between you would make a romantic relationship to difficult to pursue. In such a case he could have been more sensitive in his approach though. You did not mention as to whether the other man also lived a long distance away, but I would suggest that setting your sights on men who are more locally located would decrease the chances of a similar experience. If you want to pursue a relationship with anyone over a long distance it will likely be less disappointing if it is a casual one. Especially with someone you have just met.
Sincerely,
Opinion Guy
Ok here's my problem. There's a guy in my band class and I really like him. We flirt all the time. He tells me that he's jealous when I get a boyfriend. I really want to ask him out but I don’t know how and I don’t know if he likes me too. Any suggestions?
How do I ask him?
Dear How do I ask him?, if you want my opinion…
He has shown you that he likes you so there is really no need to be shy, but if you would feel more comfortable, try arranging an outing with a group of friends and ask him to join. That way there wouldn’t be as much pressure on you or him, as there would be in a conventional "date".
Opinion Guy
Moving in with this guy I am working with at first seemed like a good idea. I had only met him last summer at our job training where we hit it off real well. When I first met him, he was involved in a relationship with a younger woman who had 2 kids by her previous marriage. (She's 22) When my boss noticed the chemistry between us, she assigned us to the same work area where I'd be with him for eight hours at the most.
For about 7 months, we have told each other a lot of tales and the failures we experienced in relationships and so on forth. We became real good friends and I started to notice how I would love to come to work instead of dreading it because I knew I'd be in good hands. I started to realize that I was becoming attracted to him but naturally I said nothing. It was both too soon and risky. When he broke off with his girlfriend back in September, he told me a lot of things that went on between the two of them that he did not like. He continued to share his frustrations with living with her when he is not emotionally involved. He also mentioned he would like to stop sleeping with her because it makes his ex girlfriend believe that there's a chance. He made it clear that he did not ever want her back again.
So before we went our ways for the holidays in December, he asked if I wanted to move in with him at a house along with another roommate. He knew I was having problems with my former roommate and I was looking for a new place to move. So timing couldn't be any better and I knew we would get along great. I'd have my own room and I'd have my cats back. I was also secretly hoping that somehow he'd realize I'm the "one" for him. So I agreed.
First night we moved in, we shared our first bottle of wine together and then the second bottle came and went. We were having fun getting settled in our new house and he was a bit woozy and on few occasions that night, he tried to make a pass on me. I freaked out and paged my girlfriend to come and rescue me because I felt our friendship was far more important than one night of wild drunk sex. (been there, done that) We'd have to live with each other for the rest of the year. But nevertheless, the girlfriend never came and I handled it by being upstairs when he was downstairs. When he went up, I went down until he gave up and went to bed. He never attempted to make a move on me again after that night.
However, our friendship escalated. We'd go shopping together. We'd do errands and favors for each other. I mean, I'm telling you, we're in a some weird kind of friendship where it feels like we re in a relationship but nothing physical is ever involved. We'd watch shows together, discuss issues and everything. He's a "prim-proper", "prep boy" type of guy. He's anal in other words about some of the things but I chose to ignore that because that might be some of his best qualities anyways. I'm the girl who men would think is not feminine enough or not too prissy enough. I watch sports. I go to bars and scream at Packers touchdowns and I follow basketball. I m not like many girls I know...I've always been called "cute" but never "beautiful". He goes for the thin, model-sized (barbie-wise), and long hair type of gals so I know I'm way out of his league. However, he has done and said so much that hinted he cared more than he wanted me to think.
Lately, we've been on each other's throats. It's more of like a game of who hurts the other more first? He would always ask me what my plans were for the day or for the weekend. He works on the weekends so he's not home at nights. So when I go out and come back, he'd sulk and bitch about his job or the life he leads which he finds very unsatisfying. One night I came back real late and he already was gone to work and I got up real early the next morning. He was still at work so I went out of the house to fetch some coffee with a friend. I came back home later that day and he was sulking like mad. He asked if I was even home that night before. I was like, "yeah but why do u care?" Obviously he probably didn't believe me because he started to do the same. He's staying out longer and he's back hanging out with his exgirlfriend. He was complaining to me about her only last week. But then he's starting to go over and sleepikng over. He even had the gall to page me ! and say, "Sorry I passed out at her place - I'll be home in 10 min." It's like a knife stabbing right in because what I don't know won't hurt me, right?
So last Friday when I was getting ready to go out, I noticed he was too. Knowing he had to work that night, I asked if he had plans. He said he was going to take the ex girlfriend out to dinner. I was taken aback because since he's so anal, he's very selfish with his time. He rarely do stuff like that on the days he work. Few seconds later, I said in the nicest way possible that I thought he was encouraging her. I thought that he was leading her on if he has no intention of getting back with her especially after what he had told me. He got a little riled up and said I had no business in making comments about him if I don't know why he's taking her out in the first place. He claimed she just had a very bad run-in with some parents at her kids' school. Blah ... Blah... Blah.....
We parted ways with a smile and ten minutes later, he paged me and accused me of smooching off my exboyfriend and how he's not said anything - minding his own business was what he said.
I laughed. And I laughed again. If he doesn't want me nor does he like me, why would he care enough to really take the time to page me and tell me that if he's on a date with his ex? What is GOING ON???!!
Tonight as I type, he's sleeping away the night at his ex. Again. He made sure I knew that too. Why? What is he doing??
Guy Roommate
Dear Guy roommate, if you want my opinion...
Your roommate may be acting out because he has feelings for you but is afraid to express them. I think you did the right thing by spurning his advances that one night when you were both a little into the wine. However, your roommate, if he was sensitive enough to guess your reasoning for avoiding him that night, may have been waiting for some indication from you that you are more interested in a deeper relationship now. He may be fearful of rejection, and so is hesitant to tell you how he feels. Add that to frustration from waiting for you to take initiative with him and you could get a man who will act out his frustrations and resentments by dating his ex (which he probably knows you disapprove of) and then rubbing it in your face. I think he is waiting for you to react so he can try to read your feelings for him. There are definitely better ways he could do this but people do some crazy things when they are afraid of being hurt.
You need to talk to him and clear things between you and him. If he has given you any indications he may have feelings for you, take a risk and ask him if this is the case. If you sense that he is afraid of being hurt, you may have to tell him you have feelings for him first.
Whether I am right or wrong about his feelings towards you, having things clear can be good for both of you, and end a lot of tension and frustration. Even if it is at the cost of some hurt and discomfort. You are adults and good friends who can work through it I am sure.
Opinion Guy
Okay, Opinion Guy,
I have a problem..with a guy. He asked me out in the 6th grade during a science project, and I was so caught off guard, I instantly said yes!!! Well, later on, I broke up with him, and then he asked me out again in the 7th grade, but I said, <No, I just can't take that right now.< Man, I was such a jerk...Well, anyways, I asked him to go with me to the 8th grade dance, which is coming up soon, and he turned me down.
I felt really bad about what I did..well now I know what its like to be in his shoes! I have no one to go to the dance with, but I do have a crush on my old science partner, who just so happens to sit a desk or two away from me.
We both have the same sense of humor, and I love his smile(Sorry if you're getting bored over there.) But here's the main question:How do I ask this new guy out?
Once bitten, twice shy.
Dear Once bitten twice shy, if you want my opinion...
I remember being your age and interested in dating. I was terrible at it by the way. I was constantly feeling pressure to "ask a girl out" if I was at all interested in her. Of course this made me all the more nervous and anxious when trying to talk to these girls. I wasn't terribly successful. I was never comfortable talking to girls I like because I felt pressured and anxious about trying to date them or make them interested in dating me. Well I'm sure you can guess how well those young ladies responded to a nervous young man who could barely talk to them showing interest. If only I knew then what I know now.
At the risk of sounding cliche... I was not ready to date. My hormone suffused adolescent body was telling me otherwise of course but I wasn't ready. My over anxiousness to mature left me failing over and over in the romance department, and feeling like a schlepp for it (my bruised confidence hardly added to my attractiveness to the opposite sex). What this all added up to was the loss of a lot of potential fun and good friendships with girls when I was young because I never learned until I was eighteen, how to communicate with confidence with the opposite sex.
Now I'm not suggesting everyone has or will have the same problems I experienced but in the end I think everyone can relate to my situation. Had I concentrated on forming friendships and having fun in my teen years instead of trying to find girlfriends, I would have had more fun, had more friends, been more self confident, and in the end I would probably have had more dates.
My advice to you is to be this young man's friend. With having so much in common I'm sure it will be easy and enjoyable. Ask him to dance, and have fun, but don't feel pressured to try be his girlfriend. After you are friends and know and trust each other better a deeper relationship could evolve but right now just have fun.
Sincerely,
Opinion Guy
I really like this guy, He just broke up with his girlfriend to meet and get to know more girls. Well it's seems to me that he's been flirting with me a lot. But the only thing is we are really good friends. Their is a dance coming up this Friday and I really want to dance with him. How do I ask him without ruining our friendship or making a huge fool of myself??
Yours truly,
How do I ask him?
Dear How do I ask him?, if you want my opinion...
Relax. It is just a dance. You aren't asking him to marry you, or even to go out with you. You can't make a fool of yourself by asking him to dance. You can however, get yourself so worked up and nervous that you may feel like a fool and if that happens it is quite likely it will put him off. If you go to the dance and have a good time, acting like you normally do, and not expecting anything more of your friend than normal he will feel at ease. So have a great time, ask this fella to dance (unless he hates dancing or has another legit reason, why would he say no?), and don't allow worries or expectations to put unnecessary pressures on him or yourself. If there is a possibility of something between you two it will become so apparent you won't need to worry.
Sincerely,
Opinion Guy
I really need advice about a guy that I dated and I hope that you don't mind me sending you this email.
I dated this guy for a while and now he wants to come back into my life. He used to show up late for dates all the time and when I got angry he told me to shut up as there were lots of other women he could date. Also he was mean with money and hardly ever bought himself new clothes (he always wore old clothes sometimes even with holes in them) and never bought me presents even though I bought him lots of things. He was really intolerant and used to complain all the time about stupid things. His brother was a drug addict and used to say perverted things to me sometimes and he would never stand up for me. We booked a holiday and at the last minute he cancelled. I was so disappointed! Afterwards I went on a holiday myself and when I came back he told me that he missed me, we then went to a restaurant and afterwards back to my apartment where we slept together. Afterwards he said that it was that (sex) that he missed. I was really hurt! Also he kept telling me that I was lucky to have him and that I couldn't find better than him. Do you think I can probably do better? I am quite pretty and have a good job and lots of friends. He dropped out of school at 14 and comes from the wrong side of town. His family are not very honest. They claim invalid benefits even though there is nothing wrong with them and they work on the side. Also the reason he gave for leaving me were pathetic. He said that I was annoying him because I talked too loudly and criticized his driving and worried too much about stupid things. He has also left other girlfriend in the past for ridiculous reasons (one girlfriend who crashed her car and asked him to fix it and another girlfriend who forgot to bring her jacket with her on a night out and complained about the cold).
He smokes cannabis. Do you think that smoking cannabis would make him nasty/intolerant? Or do you think he has psychological problems? Do you think that I would be very foolish to give him a second chance? He is 23 and I am 27.
Please reply! Thank you.
Angela
Dear Angela, if you want my opinion...
This *** hole is cruel, dishonest, insensitive, verbally and emotionally abusive, selfish, exploitive, and exhibits odious personal and hygiene habits. You sound like a good person. Even if you were not a good person you would deserve far better than a bastard like him. My advice is to stay as far from him as possible, and forget about him. If you give in to your emotions or allow your insecurities to take over and give him another chance he will only disappoint and hurt you again. Your friends and loved ones should treat you in a way that is respectful, and considerate, and reflects the fact that they return your love. He only loves himself. I know you can do better and by surrounding yourself with supportive and caring friends and getting rid of negative people like bastard boy, you will know it too.
As to his smoking pot... I don't think that is a factor. I personally know many good people who have smoked or do smoke pot. With or without the cannabis, this fella is a dick and a terrible example of a man.
Sincerely.
Opinion Guy
Me and my guy friend have started fooling around but he has made it clear to me that he does not want a relationship. But I do. Although I know where he stands we still continue to be sexually intimate. I am afraid to loose him as a friend if things get too weird between us. Should I get out of this part of our relationship and put an end to it and go back to just being best friends, before our relationship gets ruined altogether? I still want to be sexually intimate with him, but I know it is going nowhere. Is he just using me for one thing? Or does he also want a relationship but is too afraid? Should I bring it up, even though he has told me that our friendship is too precious to him and doesn't want to do anything to ruin it, but he still continues to talk dirty? I am so confused.
Sincerely,
Friendship Sex
Dear Friendship Sex, if you want my opinion...
If it is clear to you that you want more from the relationship than your friend is willing to give, and you are not happy or satisfied with the casual nature of the sex you have been having with your friend, then you should be honest to yourself and to him and put an end to it. That is put an end to the sexual aspect of your friendship and not the friendship itself.
I received a submission awhile ago titled So Confused (Friends or Lovers. The details of the submission were remarkably similar to those of your own. As well, I recently received a submission so similar to So Confused that I did not bother responding, thinking that it was sent before So Confused had a chance to read my original reply. I am fairly certain that unless there is some amazing coincidence, you are the author of all three submissions. Obviously you haven't been able to find the your submissions or my replies posted on the site. I apologize for this, and I am taking steps to remedy the situation by making pages that will refresh automatically whenever they are viewed. For now, try going to the Ask Opinion Guy: Latest Submissions page. Refresh the page in case an older version is cached in your browser. On this page will be listed links to all of the most recent submissions and my replies to them.
Yes... I do realize the irony, that for someone who is viewing an older cached file, they would have to read these instructions to refresh the page in order to read these instructions to refresh the page. I just love a good paradox, and even if the intended recipient doesn't see this, other viewers may benefit from the information.
Once again Friendship Sex, I apologize for any confusion or inconvenience. Thank you for your patience and willingness to keep submitting. I would not have been alerted to the problem otherwise.
Opinion Guy
My best friend and I were room-mates, and we looked upon each other like brothers. He told me that he had never had a friend like me who developed that close of an interpersonal friendship. We shared our thoughts, ideas, feelings, and did a lot of things together. I had a great time with him when I lived with him. After my graduation, I decided to move out of the town to develop my career. When I was leaving, he said, ˇ"We are like brothers, so we don't need to say anything. Take care and good luck on your future. Good bye."ˇ and now, what's going on??
Since I decided to move out from the apartment, he was pushing me away a little by little, and his action started hurting me. I worried that he was burning the bridge because he always said friendship didn't mean a lot to him. Well, what I know is that he just cut off the friendship between him and all his friends in his hometown when he left home. I tried to discuss about why I was frustrated, but he tried not to listen. When he has difficulties, he has a tendency to run away instead of facing the problems.
A couple of months later, we planned to do something for Halloween. I was excited to see him again and drove to his place, but he just ditched. A day before, he called me and told me that he was going to call me on Halloween to set up the place to meet. But he had never called me on Halloween. I got upset and told him that how I was frustrated not to know where he was and it was not right to break the promises. I was mad and very emotional because I had never imagined that he was going to ditch me.
After this day, he started lying, and breaking promises all the time. Whenever he did something I didn't like, I got upset and said a lot of things he might not want to hear. Then, he was upset to hear things I said and treated me so bad.
One day, we talked, and I said, "We both were breaking our friendship now. It's very silly to burn the bridge because we developed very close friendship and had a great time past year. Let's get over with all the negative things we did and move on!!" He agreed, but he still does a lot of disrespectful things, such as lying and breaking promises etc.
Probably it may be easy to burn the bridge to get over with everything, but I don't want to give up any friendship easily. I think it's silly to burn the bridge because there is a possibility to have a good relationship sometime in the future and I know that having good connection is very important in life. I'm just getting tired of thinking about all of this kind of stuff though...
I just want to hear what you think. Thank you.
Best Friendship Conflict
Dear Best Friendship Conflict, if you want my opinion…
It is always sad when it happens, especially when it happens against the wishes of one of the close friends involved, but sometimes, friendships fizzle out. It happens to everyone as people change, as people grow, as people take on new circumstances and challenges in life, they can often grow apart. I understand how this can be troubling, especially considering how close you were in the past.
The hard fact is that your friend is not as emotionally committed to continuing the kind of friendship you have had. I realize that it is difficult not to feel hurt and rejected by his cold and distant behavior but consider the fact that he has done it before with his old friends from who he had moved away before meeting you. Try not to take it to personally. It is not that your friend is rejecting you or liking you any less than he had before necessarily. More likely he is just not as emotionally committed as you are, and most likely has trouble with sustaining interest in relationships when it involves more effort and is no longer convenient.
People all have different capacities for this sort of thing. You seem to be a person who relies heavily on friendships, and to whom friendships mean a great deal. I imagine you probably have a great many friends and that with those you are closest to, you could remain close friends many years. Not all people are like this. For varying reasons their friendships can dwindle or even disappear, unless their friends make an effort to rekindle that relationship. This is fairly common behavior for many people. This doesn’t necessarily mean they no longer like their friends though, and they may continue their friendships many years with some mutual effort, even if they are not as close as before.
However your friends behavior has been truly bad. His lying, and insensitivity are inexcusable. He seems a very cold and callous person to whom friendships are something that he engages in for personal benefits only when it is convenient for him. Or perhaps he has problems relating to people, and expressing feelings so rather than risk hurt from losing a friend he cuts them off completely from any emotional attachment. Whatever his motive there is little you can do now.
You can try to sustain a friendship with him, and occasional efforts to do so may be met with success if he doesn't feel like he needs to commit to much. But I wouldn’t put too much effort into it. He’s likely to disappoint you in his responses, and the more effort you put in the more likely it is he will be unresponsive. Your best bet is to try remain casual friends.
Although that is not likely to make you feel better, in my experience it is the best advice I can give. I hope it helps some.
Opinion Guy