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Family and Friends Relationships |
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| So Confused (Friends or Lovers?) | Bub64 | Very Upset!!! | Help | Losing Out | No Name | Does Age Matter? |
Dear Opinion Guy,
My guy friend always has told me that he thinks of me as his sister. I have known him for about 8 or 9 years and we hang out together a lot, I tell him everything, he can always figure out what I am thinking and knows me inside and out. He has helped me get over my ex boyfriend. He has slept over at my house many times. He comments on my appearance a lot and tells me how he thinks the outfit I am wearing looks good on me. He praises my hair and how he loves it. He sleeps over, but we mainly stay up and talk and play cards..there is no funny business. However, recently he slept over and he started kissing me, so I kissed back. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together, twice!
We talk pretty openly about that night and joke about it with one another. He wants to come over again.
However, he still calls me 'his sister' and he still talks about checking out other girls, but when i talk about other guys, he gets jealous very quickly. But he says that he doesn't want a relationship and wants to stay single. But at the same time he says he loves me and cares about me a great deal. He still talks about how he would always be there for me. Our friendship hasn't changed, and there is no awkwardness between us, which is a big relief. The only thing added to our friendship now is sexual kind of talk. He tells me how he wants me to wear certain things and how he wants me.
However, I still feel comfortable going to him and talking to him openly as before and he still talks to me openly about any problems as before. I am quite confused as to what he wants? Does he think of me as his girlfriend? or his sister? or something else? What is going on in his mind? Has he always had these feelings? What does he really feel and what is he trying to hide?
Sincerely,
So Confused (Friends or Lovers)
Dear So Confused (Friends or Lovers?), if you want my opinion...
Your friend wants to have his cake and eat it too. He sees in you a possible “Good friend with benefits”. Someone who he cares for very much and feels comfortable with like a very good friend but with whom he can share the kind of sexual intimacy normally shared with a girlfriend, but without the commitment that is often attached to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. That kind of relationship isn't in and of itself a bad one on the condition that both parties have the same intentions for the relationship and equally agree upon the level of commitment. In this particular case I get the impression that you do not have similar intentions or agree upon a desired level of commitment. And to make it worse your friend is displaying a possessiveness towards you that is not in keeping with the kind of commitment he seems willing to put forth from himself.
You need to make very clear to him what you want from the relationship if it continues to be more than just a platonic friendship, and if you can't both agree on the parameters of your mutual commitment, you'll have to let him know that you want to be friends like you you were before and nothing more, Otherwise you run the risk of awkwardness and increasingly hurtful situations that could harm or destroy the nine year friendship you have already cultivated.
Given that you have been such good friends for so long I am hoping that your friend is not intentionally trying to exploit your relationship to have sex with a good friend when he desires it without regard for your feelings or needs. I would hope that his behavior reflects an unsureness of your intentions for the new direction your friendship has taken, or a mistaken assumption that your intentions and commitment are equal to his. If such is the case he will be glad to know how you feel and if he is a good friend he will want your relationship to be as mutual as it has been for the last nine years. In short, he will want to be respectful and considerate of you whether or not you want to continue being sexually intimate.
So take some time to decide what you want, then talk to him. Tell him how much his friendship means and then explain your concerns and your intentions. If he is at ease and equally forthcoming you should be able to work things out and at the very least remain good friends.
Opinion Guy
My children and I have recently joined a tenpin bowling club. My husband did not join even though we pestered him for a week.
The first three weeks hubby didn't attend at all because he was working.
Now here is my problem.
Hubby and I see situations differently.
On the weekend my daughter and friends were booked in for a game. because there were 9 of us altogether we took two cars.
Hubby arrived after me and asked if he and the boys could have a lane as well The fellow who works there said sure do you want to go on the next to the girls. (did you notice I was not asked to play).
My daughter bowled her first 100 game and then her second and almost her third.
During the game the screen froze Hubby told me to go see the fellow about it, he was not at the counter so I tied up some of the laces on the shoes whilst I waited. I was sent to the counter again to ask for a heavier ball for my son again I tied laces on shoes whilst I waited for him to come back with the ball.
When my daughter and friends finished she asked the fellow if she could have a print out when he gave it to her he went through it with her and told her how well she had done and explained how she could improve a little more (he was her coach originally). When they had finished discussing it they came over to us and he told me all about this and I said hell I better improve my game before she starts to kick my butt. So he started to give me some tips and explain why they would work. Hubby came up to me towards the end of this discussion and tossed my car keys at me and said see you turned to him and asked Are you going ? Hubby grunted at me and stormed off.
I caught up with hubby in the car park he was very angry and criticised the tips I had received. I listened then said I told the fellow I would try it and if it didn't work I wouldn't do it again.
I managed to get hubby to come back in with me whilst I rounded up all the girls, as we walked past the desk the fellow said see ya or soon.
When we got home hubby completely lost the plot and yelled at me that If I wanted him to leave just tell him. I didn't understand what he was on about. He said the fellow only helped my daughter to get to me and he only offered me tips to get me to spend time with him and then got really upset because I was flirting with this guy because I kept going back to the desk and kept doing up the shoe laces. He said the fellow called him a *** when we were leaving I told him what he said (paragraph above) Hubby said I was an idiot what the fellow said was see ya sir and in the work force that is calling you a ****.
There must be something wrong with me because thats not how I saw it at all.
I have been on the over end of flirting before there are no sexual connotations no touching no indications of flirting as far as I can see or feel.
Please help me I am so confused.
Bub64
Dear bub64, if you want my opinion...
I get the impression that this kind of jealous reaction from your husband is very rare, and so I am thinking that although in reality his reactions towards you are unjustified, in his mind they are. Something has gotten him feeling insecure and paranoid, and it could be a number of things such as a poor work environment causing him to feel inadequate, or even depression. These is merely possible examples however. The point is, whatever the cause of his insecurity the feelings he is experiencing are real, however unjustified they may be. Although I'm not suggesting that you lay back submissively and accept baseless accusations, keep in mind that he may be feeling a lot of hurt and hurt feelings clouds judgement. I'm sure you also find his accusations hurtful, and that's perfectly understandable. But at least one of you has to see past the hurt in order resolve the conflict. It may as well be you.
Let your husband know that you are hurt by his accusations, trying not to sound defensive or antagonistic. Tell him that you recognize he is very upset and you're concerned, and want to find out why. Allow him to explain his side of the story. Listen carefully without interruption, and remaining calm. You might even find he has seen something you have not. For instance, the man from the bowling alley may have given your husband reason to believe he was flirting with you. Something you may not have noticed or realized before. I'm not saying this is the case, but your husband thinks it is, so obviously he believes something in the man's actions are inappropriate. So let him say his piece. After he is done, remaining calm again, tell him that you empathize with his feelings, but that your intentions were not to hurt him and that if the man was flirting with you, that you never recognized it. Explain all that happened as you explained it to me.
If you are calm and empathetic he will be less likely accusatival or defensive. Hopefully he will listen to you now. At this point you can ask him if there is something else troubling him (that is if you haven't already resolved the problem). Hopefully he will be more at ease and willing to dialogue with you now. If he is feeling insecure it will help his esteem and confidence to be reassured that you aren't trying to hurt him and are trying to understand his point of view. If in fact you have already tried what I suggest, and to no avail, I dont know what else to advice aside from seeing a marriage counselor if the problem persists.
My best wishes towards a quick resolution, congratulations to your daughter on her bowling 100 ( I assume it's a good score. I know nothing of bowling.), and good luck with your next game.
Opinion Guy
Ok, I have this sister in law... last week me and my husband went and got tattoos.
So one week later......
So she goes and gets one in the same place and same thing same colors and everything, oh i am mad!!! I was wondering if you have any idea on what i could say to her!!! So she goes and gets one in the same place and same thing same colors and everything, oh i am mad!!! I was wondering if you have any idea on what i could say to her!!!
Thank You!
Dear Very upset, if you want my opinion...
I don't see why you are so upset. Maybe she liked your tattoo so much that she wanted one for herself. Is that a crime? Or is there some other reason you are upset? Did the tattoos hold some significance between you and your husband that you feel is being invaded by your sister-in law? Do you perhaps feel she got it specifically to upset you? Do you feel that perhaps she is stealing attention that you deserve having had the tattoo first?
If you think any of those things your problem with your sister-in law likely goes well beyond her getting a matching tattoo and if you want to remedy the problems you need to try understand her motives and talk with her about it. But as a single incident it is not a very serious thing. Whether she got the tattoo to spite you or because she looked up to you and wanted a bond(both are possible) it remains that it is just a tattoo and can't really effect you or any importance you and your husband personally place in the significance of your tattoos. It's a small thing. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Opinion Guy
Ok I got these two really awesome friends Steven and John. They're my best friends and i heard that they thought i was hot but I don't want to ask them cuz it my make us not friends anymore and we are the only non preps here in my town so I don't wanna lose them but how can I tell if they really like me? I'm only 15 so i haven't had that much trouble with this stuff so thats why I'm askin for help so please help me with this.
Help
Dear Help, if you want my opinion... You seem happy and content to have these two fellows as friends, so aside from satisfying your curiosity there is no point in making a point of finding out if one or both is interested in being more than friends. If one or both likes you they will make it apparent to you in their own time. No point in stressing over a situation you don't even know for sure exists.
If it turns out that there is a problem I'd appreciate your writing me back with the specifics and I can give you a more informed opinion.
Have fun with your friends.
Opinion Guy
Opinion guy,
I met this guy through one of my best guy friends freshman year(I'm a senior now) and we always hung out and almost went out a few times, but we never really asked each other... it would just get to that point. WELL up until last x-mas we were all kool, and the one night we hung out at my place all night and just cuddled, right before christmas, and everything was so great! And now almost a year later... i don't even talk to him. just for no reason. I don't know if it was my fault or not. It's all a blur. we never fought or anything, we just lost contact. Why? I don't know~! and it drives me crazy. I'm trying so hard to understand it but I can't. Seriously... I never have even kissed him, and if theres one thing I ever REALLY regret, its NOT calling or making some type of move/hint that I liked him more than he may have known I did. So my question is what can I do now? He moved. I know where and I could get his new number from my friend... but I don't wanna seem random and stalkerish. I don't want to just call him out of the blue. So what can i do? Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssseee help me.
Losing Out
Dear Losing Out, if you want my opinion...
You were good friends before. It's not uncommon for good friends to lose contact and then try to rekindle their friendship later. So call him.
Now as for pursuing a romantic relationship... It seems to me It seems to me that the lack of a professed intention to deepen your relationship on both your parts that one christmas may have caused some tension in your friendship. That coupled with his moving away may be the reason for your friendship drifting apart. Whether or not your friend feels the same way you do about that night I wouldn't want to guess, but I would guess that he misses your friendship if you were at all close. Call him.
I'd advise against immediately telling him your deepest feelings right off. Start by telling him how you miss him and how you regret not keeping in contact. From there try to get back to where you were before you drifted apart. Find out what he has been doing, and what's going on in his life. Be prepared for the possibility of things in his life that you may not be glad to hear. After all it has been a year. He could have a relationship or circumstances that may not suit your intentions. You'll have to try and accept this with a smiling friends face and tell him how happy you are for him if you want to be sure of staying friends. Your next step after regaining friendship over the phone is to get arrange to get together with him at least a couple times to in an un pressured environment (that means as friends) visit and do some of the things you used to do as friends. If there is no blocks in your way , and you are thinking you are both feeling comfortable you can choose to tell him your feelings. It might be helpful to ask if he remembers that night, and telling him what it meant to you.
Wishing you all the best.
Opinion Guy
My guy friend who I have been seeing asked me out a couple of times but i have said no because i was worried about it. Now I want to go out and I don't know how to ask. What are your ideas?
No Name
Dear No Name, if you want my opinion...
If it seems that your guy friends interest in you has not changed since he asked you, try telling him that you would like to reconsider his offer of a date. He will most likely be pleasantly surprised, and relieved that he does not have to guess your intentions later and risk another negative response. If you know he is interested, you have nothing to lose or risk.
Opinion Guy
Hi. I have a question that I'd like your opinion on. Do you think age matters in a relationship? I'm asking cause I'm 18 and like this 27 year old guy.
Does Age Matter
Dear Does Age Matter, if you want my opinion...
You are 18 and as far as I can tell that makes you an adult in the eyes of the law at least. If age is a factor to consider between two adults then it is no different than any other thing that you might consider in a relationship. A significant difference in age should make you consider and ask certain questions. For example:
I'm certain you can think of many more. Don't get me wrong if I seem negative. The questions I gave as an example could likely be asked about someone of your own age you wanted a relationship with. It's your answers to these questions that should be the deciding factor.
Opinion Guy