Guy Friend or Boy Friend?

I have this friend, and he is a guy. I've known him since the beginning of highschool and we have a lot of fun together. He's helped me through a lot of difficult times, including the breakup with my ex-boyfriend.

He tells me that he thinks of me as his sister, we hug when we see each other, we kiss each other on the cheek, and we say i love you to one another. When he gives me birthday cards, he signs his name as love bro. We've kissed on the lips before, just once, but we've never talked about it.

My question is, does he have feelings for me and is using the whole sister excuse to hide the way he truly feels? I'm so confused because I think I might have feelings for him too, but I am afraid to hint anything at him, because I don't know how he feels. Just so you know, he is a really shy guy.

Guy Friend or Boy Friend?

Dear Guy Friend or Boy Friend, if you want my opinion...

First of all you have to decide whether or not you do actually have feelings for him. That doesn't mean whether or not you are in love with him but do you have an interest in being more than friends. If you decide you are not interested relax and continue your friendship as it is.

If you decide you do have romantic feelings, with your fella being shy, you will likely have to take the first step. It will be scary and you could possibly get hurt (although I'm of a mind that your friend also has feelings for you.), but if you want to pursue a romantic relationship you may have to tell him how you feel.

I would suggest some private moment when you are both relaxed and enjoying each others company. You may be thinking that knowing you are about to risk your heart you can never be relaxed. You can. And it helps that you are such good and somewhat intimate friends. just be yourself, relax and have fun. If you find yourself getting nervous don't bring it up until you feel comfortable. He's your friend and he's not going anywhere. At the right time Tell him how much you enjoy his company and friendship. He will likely respond in kind. Talk about things he does that you really like or appreciate. Tell him how you value him as a friend and that you hope you can always be good friends. This last will help ease any fears he may have of losing friendship with you should he say he is not interested. This is very important.You have to try to make the atmosphere very comfortable and un pressured. Now tell him that you think having a boyfriend who is also a very good friend would be something you would like and that you think he could be that boyfriend. Again, assure him that your friendship will not be strained should he say no.

Now comes the really tough part. You must listen to and accept whatever he has to say, good or bad. If he says he is not interested be prepared to accept it. Let him know that you love him and will always be a friend. If he wants to discuss it, don't panic but listen to him openly. Don't argue with his reasons if they are negative, as that will only make him defensive. When he is done, if you feel he may actually want a deeper relationship but is apprehensive, tell him that you understand his position. Then if you can suggest anything that might lessen his apprehensions do it, but assure him there is no pressure, and that you would rather be his good friend only that try to pressure him into being your boyfriend. It should be fairly clear to you after all this how he feels.

I wish you luck but I doubt you need it. And either way you will still have a good friend.

Opinion Guy

Confused Girl

Dear Opinion Guy,

I'm kinda in a problem. The boy I like is my brothers best friend. He says I'm hot but he doesn't want to go out with me cuz im too much of a sister to him. I'm really not sure what to do. Can you help me???

Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl,if you want my opinion...

As much as this answer may be disappointing, unsatisfying and hurtful, there's nothing you can do to make him feel about you as you do about him. Try being his friend. Don't push the issue of wanting something more, but try going places with him where there are others present, so it is not like a date. It is also important on these group outings not to act as though you are a on a date. Act like a friend. No jealousy, no possessiveness, no obvious disappointment or hurt if he continues to see you as only a friend. This won't be as difficult as it may seem if you concentrate on just having a good time with your friends. If this boy decides he sees you in a different way he should be comfortable enough to make it apparent. But don't be constantly looking for signs that he is falling for your charms. It is important that you be prepared to accept whatever may come. I know it hurts when romantic feelings for someone aren't returned, but part of growing up is learning to deal with this. I won't tell you that as you get older the hurt disappears. It doesn't. I will tell you that with experience, learning to control and understand negative emotions like hurt and put it in perspective, the pain does not last nearly as long as when you are young. Unfortunately it is necessary to experience a lot of hurt to learn this.

Remember. He knows your feelings, and if he feels un pressured and comfortable around you, if he does decide he has romantic feelings for you he will make them known. Either way, be yourself and have fun.

Opinion Guy

Kickboxer Girl

Ok here is my dilemma. I have liked this guy for a long time, about 6 years. I work with him. I work in a grocery store and I work in a separate department than him, but I use to work in his department that is how we know each other. Anyway, we have hung out a few times, but in a group. Well I asked him to hang out last friday, together not in a group. We went to see a movie. Ok here is my dilemma, enough of the background info, anyway, well he is into a online game and it is the only thing he talks about when he sees me. Well, he told me that he forgot the guide to the game at his house( I didn't ask him to bring it) And he asked if I wanted to go to his place to look at it. I said sure. So I followed him to his house and he created a character and showed me around the game. Well, when I was about to leave I remembered that he said that he would give me a ride in his new car, so I asked for a ride. When we got back to his house he thanked me for coming over and that he would like to go to a movie again. Ok my question. In your opinion does he think of me as a friend or a potential girlfriend?

Kickboxer girl

Dear Kickboxer girl, if you want my opinion...

There does seem to be some indication that he may be considering you as girlfriend material. But he may also be only interested in becoming closer friends. Consider that he agreed to a date with you outside of the regular circle of friends you both share. And also consider that he was very eager in sharing his interest with you that obviously means a lot to him, and shared it with you almost immediately. Perhaps a little too eager and immediately, but he may be shy and a little awkward, but trying hard to find common interests.Remember also that he expressed interest in dating you again.

I'm certain he at the very least likes you. That's a good starting point. If he is shy and awkward socially it may take some time before he can clearly express his feelings. My advice would be to take it slow and enjoy the friendship he is obviously eager to give you and if there is more to come it will become clear to you both in time.

Opinion Guy

Smokingly

While I consider myself to be rather well educated in the never-ending study of the Male Psyche - I encountered a fork in the road last night that has left me ... well ... stumpped. My boyfriend and I went to our favourite restaurant - we had this planned for a week as we both work a lot and rarely get to spend an evening out together. He came home from work after having (he claims) 3 drinks as it was an office mate's birthday - he seemed a little drunk to me so I believe he had more than he was admitting to. Anyway - we get to the restaurant and tuck ourselves in to embark on a 100+ dinner. Everything was running smoothly until he launched into a list of everything that was pissing him off: Doesn't get paid enough, was told he was up for a raise but hasn't seen his cheques reflect this, The C.F.O is an elitist, the C.E.O. of the company (whom is also one of our best friends) has been treating him like an employee instead of a pal ... blah, blah, blah. So ! I listen - I give my two cents and then find the mood switching into thinly vieled hostility on his part - he asks me questions only to disagree with my answer and then talk over me so that I can't even finish a sentance. I felt it escalating into a huge blow out when I told him he was being dumb in telling me he was going to get physical with the C.F.O. if he insulted him one more time. Dinner was over so I finished my wine and told him I was leaving the restaurant as I didn't want to fight. I then get acused of always telling him to pull the cork off his festering emotions and then when he does "I shut him down". I only walked away because he was being drunkenly ridiculous and projecting his anger on me. He got even more angry that I got up from the table without him “embarrassing him”. I tried to talk him down - telling him just to talk to me not AT me and that I was there to support him - if he would just lose the attitude. At this point he launched into a rather extensi! ve list of my failing points - He slurred I was pathetic, lon! ely, that I had a silly, meaningless job (I still make more money than him) and a list of other horrible things that stunned me. Here is my best friend, my boyfriend of two years slinging handfuls of verbal crap at me. SO, here is where I ask your opinion - Why am I the one that is getting the brunt of his hostility when I am the one that has been in his corner all along? I'm thinking it has to do with the fact I have been floating him financially for the past couple of weeks (and I paid for dinner) and he is feeling in-adequate in a multitude of ways - my temporarily supporting him being the icing on the cake. Why the hell is mad at me for making sure he is taken care of? He has done the same for me and all I feel is gratitude. URG! He hasn't called today - not to apologize - nothing. He is impossible to talk to when he gets this way (he is usually very even keel - some might say passive). What is your take?

Smokingly

Dear Smokingly, if you want my opinion...

The problem is a simple communication one. You are correct in thinking that your boyfriend was feeling inadequate in many ways. And he was projecting hostility towards you. But not for no reason. Don't get me wrong. I am not laying the blame on you. The blame lies with both of you. You have inadvertently hurt each other because of a lack of good communication skills and allowing emotions to cloud your sensitivity to each other.

Put yourself in your boyfriend's position (something you showed me in your letter you have already attempted, but humor me). You are feeling very inadequate, your self esteem is low, your thoughts are tainted with underlying negative feelings towards yourself, you're despondent and hate feeling this way. Then you think maybe if you can tell your problems to a loved one who you trust and care for immensely, maybe they can help you through this. So you tell the story of all that has been going on and sure it sounds bitter and self pitying but that is how you feel. You can't imagine anyone could not feel the same under the circumstances. And then, after anticipating comforting words from the one you love...BAM!!! They respond not with supportive words and understanding but with negative words. Maybe words implying that your problems are trivial, or that you might not be capable of overcoming them, or that your just being silly. Suddenly your self esteem will hit an all time low as everything you have been thinking is wrong with you has just been confirmed by the one you loved and trusted with your feelings. When he said you shut him down after asking him to open up he meant it. Probably much more than he even told you, as to express his emotions to much more would be to invite more hurt. And he was feeling hurt. that was why he acted as he did. He felt you had blind sided him emotionally and being in an emotional and vulnerable state he reacted defensively and then aggressively. What he said to you hurt you. But things you said obviously hurt him too.

I'm sure your intention was never to hurt him, and probably never realized you did at first. And if he hadn't been feeling so vulnerable he may have realized your intentions weren't hurtful. But he was vulnerable and hurt. He tried to tell you and you got defensive, and felt he was hurting you, and so became more hurtful and insensitive. And he in turn reacted with more of the same. It becomes a cycle of negative emotions and hurt.

As a couple you both need to become more sensitive to each others feelings. Emotions are strong and not always rational. Even when you both try to be sensitive some one may become hurtful due to a comment taken wrong or thoughtlessly spoken. Unless both of you are emotionally raging the one who is in control must stay in control. Ask yourself "Would (significant other's name) be reacting this way if he didn't genuinely feel hurt?". You must take control, swallow your hurt, tell your partner you sense you have hurt them and are sorry because that was not your intention.

If you practice good communication skills all the time this will become easy to do. When you talk to each other try to be as clear as possible and if you can make underlying feelings clear. If you are listening try to determine if there are underlying messages or emotions the other may be expressing. And then before responding ask your partner if you have understood what they were trying to tell you, and express a sympathy for what they are going through before making comments or suggestions. For example, a lot of hurt may have been avoided if you had said to your boyfriend, " It must be very demoralizing for you darling, to be having things go against what you would hope for.", and then tried to get him, if he didn't start by himself, to tell you more of how he felt. That was what he wanted. For someone to offer sympathy and then some supportive words when he was feeling low.

If two people love each other truly they donut intentionally try to hurt each other. If it seems otherwise it could very well be a lack of good sensitive communication skills.

I hope I have been of some help.

Opinion Guy

What Should I Do

Dear Opinion Guy,

I was wondering if you could help me out i'm having a little problem, Well there is this guy i have known for quiet sometime know His dad is a friend of my parent's and i really like him alot but i can't seem too get through to him He says he want's too just be friend's but he want's to come over and see me and he was like "is it so bad that i want to see you". But I don't know i have always had problems in realtionship's they never work out no matter how much i put into them. I would do ANYTHING for this guy and too be with him. I think sometymes im loosing my mind, we havent talked in a few week's cuz he works and he never online and he dont have my number wich i do not think..... but I know where he work's at but can't visit him he's 20 years old or 19 and I'm 20. he keeps wantin too come over but I keep putting it off. Like I did with Jeremy wich i knew jeremy sense i was 13 but now he's dead he died in a car wreck.

What should I do

Dear What should I do, if you want my opinion...

I'll begin by saying that I had some trouble trying to be clear in my mind exactly what your trouble was and what you were asking. I hope i have managed to understand what you were trying to convey and apologize if I fail to understand you correctly.

Clearly you have feelings for this fellow that go beyond mere friendship. And clearly he has at the very least feelings of friendship for you. It may be difficult for you and even hurtful but if his friendship means a lot to you, you must accept it without asking for more. He may express one day that he feels more. He may not. But you will have a good friend. If he is giving you mixed signals, first ask yourself if the signals are truly signs that he is wanting more than friendship or are they possibly hopeful thinking on your part? If they are clear signals ask yourself why he might want to tell you he isn't interested romantically and act as though is. Let him know that you are unclear of his intentions if you feel he is worthy of your trust. If he is a friend he will not want to hurt you intentionally or unintentionally.

Finally, I am a bit confused that on one hand you seem to want a romantic involvement and on the other you worry that it will fail. I even got the impression that you thought of the death of Jeremy (I'm sorry for your loss) as a sign of a failed relationship. That of course would be superstitious and silly. There is always risk putting your heart on the line. Use your head to guide your heart and you can minimize hurt and hard feelings, if not avoid them completely. Be truthful to yourself when looking at the situation and willing to accept things you may wish were otherwise. Above all enjoy his friendship.

Opinion Guy