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The uncut X-Beacon files June 1998
PaDS Column Censored! Villainy Exposed!Picture the scene. I am sitting here writing this late on a lazy Sunday afternoon, awaiting the Inspirational Muse. Well roast lambed and mint sauced, I gaze contemplatively over a fair chunk of this threatened Area Of Oustanding Natural Beauty of ours, the view only slightly marred by the enormous yellow sign warning of the threat to this Area Of Oustanding Natural Beauty. I wonder whether to sharpen my pencil in preparation for the gush of ideas which is sure to overwhelm my writer's block before long. Then I look at the six other pencils I've already sharpened, neatly lined up on the desk in front of me, and decide against it. Apparently, sharpening half a dozen pencils (plus a healthy slug of whisky) was how Hemingway prepared himself for a writing session. A great idea, I reflect, but a bit pointless if you're using a word processor. On the other hand... At this point, the Inspirational Muse arrives. Or rather the Inspirational MOO. The Most Organised One's inspiration cascades over me: "Come on! Just get it down on paper. All you've got to say is that on Victorian Market Day, the 11th of July, PaDS will present two Melodramas in the courtyard of The Falcon Inn. One is The Drunkard's Wife or The Tables Turned, which will be performed at 2.00 pm and then again at 4.00 pm. The other is One Month To Pay or The Sailor's Return at 3.00 pm and 5.00 pm. That's all you need put. And no silly rambling!" "But I can't just say that on Victorian Market Day, the 11th of July, PaDS will present two Melodramas in the courtyard of The Falcon Inn and that one is The Drunkard's Wife or The Tables Turned, which will be performed at 2.00 pm and then again at 4.00 pm, or that the other is One Month To Pay or The Sailor's Return at 3.00 pm and 5.00 pm. My readers demand a little embellishment!" "You can and you will: or I'll burn your 'Bring Back Ginger Spice' banner!" "But this is censorship!" "Get on with it!" In vain, I plead with her. But she is adamant. Thus, regretfully, dear readers, I am unable to relate the tearful tale of The Drunkard's Wife or The Tables Turned, in which Millie, a virtuous but penniless Heroine, struggles against the lustful Advances of the Wicked Sir Eustace, whilst her drunkard Husband Willie is consumed by the Demon Drink in The Falcon. I am unable to say whether Virtue is to triumph. Or if Millie will save her Willie. Or even whose round it is. Neither can I have you trembling in trepidation for Alice, another virtuous but penniless Heroine, as she faces Eviction and defends her Honour against the heartless and lustful Squire Meadows in One Month To Pay or The Sailor's Return. Will her seafaring Husband Tom return Home from Distant Shores with their Fortune in time? Will Alice resist the Squire's Advances? Will she be thrown out into the Cold Night or into a Warm Bed? What's keeping Tom, anyway? All such questions will have to remain unanswered until 11th July. So, there you have it: on Victorian Market Day, the 11th of July, PaDS will present two Melodramas in the courtyard of The Falcon Inn. One is The Drunkard's Wife or The Tables Turned, which will be performed at 2.00 pm and then again at 4.00 pm. The other is One Month To Pay or The Sailor's Return at 3.00 pm and 5.00 pm. Just turn up on the day! Jack Burgess Almost-Definitely-The-Painswick-Dramatic-Society |
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