The 99 Ways To
Kill Riley Finn
01) Monty Python's flying cow
hits him and crushes his ugly body.
02) Kill him the GH way and
blow him up.
03) Spike can feed off the
living again and drains him.
04) In a fit of clumsiness, he
kills himself with his own shocking gun.
05) Buffy kills him herself
with him whimpering and whining the whole time.
06) He chokes in a restaurant
when he sees that Buffy ordered fish ... and her meal is one of his brothers!
07) He starts rehearsing what
to say to Buffy the next time he sees her. He can't seem to get it right and he
bores himself to death after a few minutes.
08) Spike tells Joyce about how
Riley violated him and in a fit of rage she finds Riley and beats him to death
with a bag of those little marshmallows.
09) He eats poisoned cheese
(Courtesy of a true shipper) and dies.
10) Angel comes back from LA,
sees Riley trying to kiss Buffy and snaps his neck.
11) Riley is attacked by a
colony of angry, fluffy bunnies!!
12) Spike realizes that his
chip not only allows him to kill demons, but also incredibly annoying fish boys,
and proceeds to beat the crap out of Riley with his bloody black back pack.
13) Cornered by us, he suffers
through a leg waxing before finally passing out. Afterwards we feed him to Spike
as compensation.
14) Xander gets jealous that
Riley is trying to take over his spot as the most hated character on the show so
he tells Anya to kill him.
15) Cordelia comes back to town
to visit the gang and immediately uses the crossbow on Riley when she sees his
major fashion faux pas -- black pants, white shoes and that HAIR!
16) Fish Boy is used at Buffy's
target when she's throwing knives...
17) Willow and Riley get into a
fight over who's the most annoying end up annoying each other to death
18)Riley stops Buffy from
squishing an ant, because his father always said to love all creatures great and
small. The ant turns out to be a fire ant, biting him, and as he is running
around screaming like a sissy-boy, he steps in the fire ant hill; the ants
immediately swarm him, devouring him alive.
19) Michael Myers comes to
Sunnydale and takes one look at Riley and stabs him with a really big kitchen
knife.
20) Prof Walsh gets sick of
Riley's incessant whining "why doesn't Buffy love me?" and decides to
feed him to the hostiles.
21)Professor Walsh kills him
herself when she realizes the injections to make him a superior human were
OBVIOUSLY a failure!!
22) His phone rings and the
caller asks him which his favourite horror film is. The next thing we see of him
is his slit opened body hanging on a tree.
23) Faith comes out of her coma
and "accidentally" stakes Riley. There is no reason why, she just gets
bored.
24) Prof. Walsh gets jealous
because she realizes she loves Buffy so she throws Riley in with the hostiles
that don't have their implants yet.
25) In a fit of homesickness,
Riley throws himself at a Grant Wood painting (being to stupid to notice the
difference between the painting and reality), hits it hard, and breaks his neck.
26) Riley wants to give himself
a home perm. The acid drips into his ear and burns away his tiny little brain,
then the hair-drier cracks up because of a short circuit caused by his drool and
his body ends up in a fireball.
27) Parker turns out to be a
demon and attacks Riley and eats him. Then Buffy, grateful for a reason to get
revenge, beheads Parker.
28) Joss finally gets over his
acid addiction and, in a moment of inspiration, has Riley eaten by a pack of
wild wolves.
29) Buffy and Angel get back
together and make love, bringing back Angelus, who gets very very angry that
someone else would touch what is so obviously his, so he gets rid of Spike's
implant and the two of them spend weeks brushing up on their torture techniques
on him.
30) Riley overhears a conversation
between Tony Soprano and Junior Soprano and Tony has him
whacked
31) Riley has a little too much
to drink one night and OD's on his drugs ::coughjunkiecough::
32) Mr. Pointy suddenly comes
to life and, out of hatred for Riley and loyalty to Buffy, stakes the h*ll out
of Riley
33) Cut to a small park and
playground at night. A classic 1958 Dodge Desoto FireFlite crashes through the
'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign and screeches to a halt. Drusilla gets out and
strolls over to the curb. She sees the crushed body of Riley Finn under the sign, takes
a deep breath and starts to laugh.
Dru: Home, sweet home.
34) The spell to make Angel
human with supernatural strength needs only one thing, a fishboy's blood. So
Buffy generously sacrifices riley.
35) The blue blooded huntin'
dog Riley gives Buffy for her birthday turns out to have a taste for fish, and,
sensing Riley's constant fear, it lunges at Riley and rips his throat out; and
then proceeds to piss on his dead body- just for the heck of it. Buffy pats it
on the head and tries to feed it the plate of stinky cheese that Riley tried to
court her with, but even a dog has standards.
36) Riley hears that a new
cheese shop opened up, and delighted he runs like a woman, trips over his nose,
and breaks his neck with a very satisfying snap.
37) One day, Tom Hanks, Tom
Sizemore, Edward Burns, Giovanni Ribisi and Matt Damon arrive at the Initiative
compound in combat gear. They have come to Save Private Riley "Honk If You
Like Cheese" Finn of Iowa, since three of his brothers (moo) have been
slaughtered by carnivores. In reality, they lead him outside and put so many
bullet holes in him he resembles Swiss cheese. Buffy and Angel of course, live
happily ever after, and since this is MY suggestion, 'ever after' is a VERY long
time.
38) Riley accidentally sees a
bottle of shampoo and dies of shock, muttering something about wondering
"what in tarnation them crazy scientist folks will be inventin' next."
Price of progress.
39) He looks in a mirror,
convinced that Buffy wants his sexy body, and turns himself to stone.
40) He tries on a pair of black
leather pants at Xander's suggestion but the zipper gets caught on a very small,
very insignificant detail and STILL he manages to bleed to death. What a guy.
41)Angel is flying from LA back
to Sunnydale, but due to unforeseen engine problems, the pilot is forced to
jettison extra weight. Meanwhile, back in Sunnydale, a large pot of hair gel
comes sailing down from the skies hitting...
42) Riley falls asleep in the
park one day and George the Friendly Custodian just so happens to be eager to
get rid of that nasty weed problem he's been having for years. Cut to Riley's
hair. And...enter flamethrowers.
43) He gets stranded in the
pouring rain, in the middle of nowhere one night, on the way to see Professor
Walsh, seeks shelter in a nearby castle and is persuaded by its inhabitants to
"do the Time Warp Again!" Sadly, his pelvic thrusts land a little
off-target. So...he dies.
44) A cow nibbles at his hair,
mistaking it for straw. His head pops open and mice run away with the cheese
inside.
45) He is killed by a stampede
of angry siblings when he tells them of his plans to make Buffy cut his hair.
46) Or: Buffy drags him off to
a hair dresser for a spiked 'do. She laughs heartily when he is drained of his
powers with every lump oozing to the floor and the new LAME spikey bits in his
hair poke his eyes out.
47) He orders lunch at KFC and
gets a spork with his meal. But the spork has a mind of its own and viciously
attacks him.
48) Willow talks to him and he
spontaneously combusts, leaving a horrible acid smell which kills her too.
49) Buffy decides that she's
sick of riley so she stakes him, pretending it was an accident. His final words
are "Tell ma corn I love her."
50) Buffy's alter ego Kathryn
comes to town and sees what a nice boy Riley is and says will have none of that
and runs him over with a car.
51) Fish guy stinks! ... And he
stinks like fish, so all the stray cats from Sunnydale pounce on him and they
lick him to death.
52) Pres. Clinton comes to
Sunnydale to make Willow curse Monica Lewinsky. He spots Riley leaving her dorm
(not Buffy's, *Willow's*) and finds three new orifices (nostril 1, nostril 2,
and I'll just leave the third one to your imagination, sorry) to stick a cigar.
He lights up and, well, smoking is bad for everyTHING.
53) Stroke 9 wants to do a
music video of Little Black Back Pack and cast Riley in it. and he gets his head
bashed in every time they sing the chorus.
54) Riley wins a radio contest
and gets front row Hanson seats. The fans mistake him for the oldest one on the
way and he is trampled to death by the group of fan addicts
55) Riley and Willow talk and
end up boring themselves to death
56) Riley goes to a cow grazing
place and has *fun* with one of the cows. A few kids who have decided to go cow
tipping arrive and tip riley and the cow, mistaking [riley] for another cow
57) In a fit of temporary
sanity, Buffy kills Riley with a flaming spork.
58) riley is squashed to death
while trying to drink milk, as the cow falls on him.
59) while having his annual
bath, someone slams the toilet seat and breaks his neck
60) riley is being locked by
Spike in a room, forced to listen to the Hanson cd over and over he goes insane
and kills himself
61) riley decides he really
wants to be a man, but he dies during the sex change operation because of the
drugs
mix-up
62) "Twin Peaksī"
Killer Bob possesses Riley's body and Dale, finally free, sees the only way to
get rid of Bob in killing his host with the log of the Log Lady. At the end the
Little man From Another Place shows up and dances in Riley's blood to
"Dance of the dream man" and "Freshly Squeezed".
63) riley coming home to visit
his mother bezoar and she mistakes him for one of the Hanson sisters.
64) werewolf oz coming back to
town in a very full moon night and eats riley for snacks after ripping him off
to shreds
65) riley goes to the Bronze
with Buffy when 9 inch nails are performing. The fans mistake him for one of the
Hanson's, all the people start attacking him and Buffy figures- heck if you can't
beat them, join them and helps the mob to kill him.
66) riley take a walk with his
grandfather on the river when a huge anaconda snake lunges out of the water
swallowing them both, then, unable to digest riley properly cuz of the grease,
the snake spits him right into a meadow with a very angry bull in it.
67) riley comes up with a
better camouflage and gags himself into a cow costume. he goes to his farm in
Iowa, still wearing the new uniform, when his grandma mistakes him for one of
the "girls" and pushes him into a barn with a horny bull. And she
locks the door.
68) Riley and Wesley get into a
heated debate over who is the fairest of them all. On the verge of a violent
slap fight, they decide instead to consult a magic mirror. The moment Riley
prances into view, the mirror shatters, sending jagged shards of glass flying at
Riley and impaling him in the throat. As he is bleeding to death (slowly),
Wesley (who used Riley's body as a shield) lets out a delighted squeal and
flounces off to celebrate his triumph.
69) Oz the werewolf bites riley
and giving him rabies
70) Amy the rat bites riley and
giving him any malicious and harmful disease that is out there
71) riley goes to his grandpa's
farm to feed the chickens, they all see his hair and starts pecking him to death
to get the straw for their nests.
72) The Initiative has a new
method to keep track on their agents via implants. While riley gets his anal
probe, the guy mistakes the tracking device with a TNT and stuck it up his @$$.
mean while, in the woods, having to blow up some vampires lair, a member of the
Initiative presses on the remote control. in the lair, a tracking device starts
to beep, waking the vampires and they go over to kill the 3 Initiative members.
cut to the uh...place where they *used* to have the Initiative secret base....
73) Grandpa calling riley home
for emergency. riley comes home and finds out cancer man and co have built a
secret base in his grandparents corn field. he goes over there, demanding to
evacuate since its a private property and gets stung by a bee. suffering from
all the symptoms of the black fever, he tries to go away, but falls to a pit,
where he finds something he should have found years before coming to Sunnydale
to ruin our life and life of others - the attack alien.
74) While riley is applying all
that gunk to his hair, some gets on the floor, and he slips and snaps his neck.
Since no one cares, and there's *always* moldy cheese smells coming from his
room, no one finds out until a year later.
75) Riley eats as much cookie
dough fudge mint chip ice cream as he can, because Buffy *out of an unfathomable
reason* finds it to be sexy (thinking of the ice cream, not of fish boy eating
it) He eats that much that his brain freezes. During the process of thawing his
brain flows out of his ears and somebody slips on it.
76) He gets drawn into the
Teletubbies land and faints because his brain can't assimilate all those
terribly difficult words the tubbies use. This vacuum cleaner thing thinks that
he's garbage and vacuums him - and he had never been seen again.
77) riley decides to be cool
and put on some heavy hair gel to make spikes, but he mixes up the boxes and
puts on his hair a 7 seconds glue. riley runs hysterically with the hands stuck
to his hair over to Prof. Walsh. riley bumps into the door and stuck to it. when
someone opens the door he smashes riley into the wall, now riley looks like a
porky wall carpet, and while trying to free him from the wall they snap his neck
and tear his body. now if you ever visit the Initiative base you'll see a
bounty-trophy like pig head stuck to the wall with extreme oafishness stare in
its dead face.
78) another upgrade in the
Initiative. to get superpowers riley has to enter some molecular machine to
improve his supernatural strength. the experiment goes wrong and riley gets his
molecules changed, now he's a walking magnet. that's the only way he could attract
*ANY*thing. and ANYthing that is. *watches and laughs as riley runs away from
flying cars, fridge and other *heavy* metal stuff* too bad for riley, some nails
catch him and nailing him to a street lamp. you could say that now not only his
hair is flat..
79) riley participate in new
experiment "who moved my cheese". running around in the maze, he
smells the cheese with his enlarged um.. smell sense, but while trying to free
the cheese from the huge mousetrap, it closes and cuts his body in two.
80) riley makes a guest
starring appearance to the itchy & scratchy show as the first non-cartoon
person. they let him sit on the special guest star chair, and they press the
special guest star button. oh look at that special guest star sparks! pork,
anyone? or would you rather have bacon?
81) When Willow performs the
spell to get rid of the loophole in Angel's curse, Riley gets drawn into a kind
of wormhole and ends up "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."
... and because he doesn't like brooding guys in black, he ends up in the Sarlacc
and dies a 1000 years lasting horrible death.
82) Dru comes back to town and
takes an interest in Riley. After she seduces him, she turns him and Buffy finds
them together. Dru get away but Riley doesn't. And because Buffy wasn't really
in love with him she has no problem killing the monster he became.
83) There's a big party on a
cliff and BSB's "Backstreet's back" comes on. Riley is dancing (or at
least trying to) and when it comes to "rock your body right" he
does...a little too hard, and ends up falling off the cliff to a horrible death.
Buffy, meanwhile, is too busy making out (with guess who) to notice.
84) On April fools day Professor
Walsh mixes the paint riley uses for camouflage with acid. riley
screams like a woman as the acid eats his face, he runs around, tripping and
falling on the control panel. accidentally all the cells open up and the hostiles
break free, killing riley and his friends on the way out.
85) the most covert
anti-terrorism organization on earth, Section One, come to Sunnydale after
finding out riley's illegal hunting. They take him to the white room where he
gets a visit from the torture twins, Michael, Madeline *and* Operations, before
being cancelled.
86) riley is offended after
seeing Prof. Walsh eating a hamburger, accusing her for eating 30 of his best
friends. he decides to rebel and take control over the Initiative. Prof. Walsh
pays some members $50 to replace the shock guns with real guns, and at the
moment of truth, riley yells fire, and everyone starts putting holes in him.
87)Riley wants to surprise Buffy
in her room but the surprise is on him because when he opens the door he sees
Buffy in bed with Spike (Willow did another love spell) and Spike gets up and
Riley's virgin eyes can't take the sight of Spike's beautiful body and has a
heart attack and dies.
88) Buffy invites riley to her
home. he sees Joyce and start getting postal on her because she put one of his
friends on her head (read: dead sheep). while yelling she killed her she killed
her, he throws a thanksgiving knife on her and cuts her throat. Buffy going ballistic
kick the shit out of him, and he falls down on the oven, which Joyce left on small fire, cooking. he is caught on fire and starts running around
screaming he goes out and starts rolling on the ground. only the ground is
covered by gasoline, cuz Joyce's car was leaking gas. and riley is slowly burned
to death.
89) Dr. Hannibal Lecter makes a
little stop at the Sunnydale campus to get something to eat ... and has Finn
liver and beans as lunch. But how about the whine?
90) Willow tries to do a
de-whining spell on herself. She succeeds, but the side-effect is that riley
turns into a chicken. he jumps into Buffy's car while she's speeding off into
the night to LA. there, she meets up with Angel. riley-chicken walks around and
ends up at California Wok. Coincidentally, David and Sarah happen to be there
having dinner. riley bursts into the restaurant and because he has that weird
clucking thing going on, he trips David out, and Sarah encourages David to deal
with his issues, so he takes them out on riley in a painful bloody way.
91) riley is having dinner. not
only does he LOOK like a pig, he also eats like one, so nobody's surprised when
he accidentally swallows some of his very long, very gross hair, and chokes to
death
92) I take my butcher knife and
stab him. Repeatedly. He bleeds to death. We rejoice. The end.
93) riley finn tries to win in
a contest for the sexiest man of all times, and he's fried to death by some
girls [who thinks an actor named David Boreanaz should win the award]. They fry
his scull with the hairdryer. (And by the way, David wins the award)
94) riley goes for a trip to
some cheese making factory, but accidentally falls into the machine, and is being
cut to pieces and packed and sent for special delivery. now this is a cheese you
*don't* want to eat!
95) riley is taking Buffy to
his farm in Iowa and shows her proudly his cheap fake-gold pitchfork trophy he
won for the best farmer of the millennium. While he brags on and on about his
perfect life, Buffy decides to run away and take a flight to L.A. She pushes
riley out of her way and he trips and falls on the pitchfork and dies.
96) He gets a box of love from
his biggest fan, named Mack Bluecheese - and it's ticking!
97) Riley is just sitting there
on the toilet reading the newspaper....and he dies. Too much fiber? The world
may never know.
98) Forrest messed with the
steroids and riley gets LSD instead. He enters room 314 and mistakes the hostile
for one his cousins. The demon is disgusted with the fishy affection and starts
to lubricate deadly poison that eats riley's skin slowly with big red and
yellow bubbling wounds. riley infects the entire Initiative team including Prof.
Walsh and they all die together, melting into some green boiling liquid.
99) Angelus is back and he sees
Riley putting his hands all over his woman and snaps his neck right in front of
Buffy and they start to make out.
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