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PERCUSSION
JOKES!
(and lots of 'em!)
(sorry, percussion...)
What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.
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Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves during the parade.
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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
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What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
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Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
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How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
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What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
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Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the
car?
He had to break a window to get the drummer out!
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Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack.
They listened to the distant pounding war drums.
One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of
them drums."
Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our
usual drummer!"
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A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay,
but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the
guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm
terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's
of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some
sticks?"
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Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the drummers.
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How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
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How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
He said, "the river or the state?"
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How do you know if a drummer's platform is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.
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How do trumpet players park in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, and the other four to stand around and
talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!
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Two drummers walk into a bar, which is actually kind of funny,
because you would think that the second guy would have seen the
first one do it.
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What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start!!
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Did you hear about the drummer who got into college?
No.
Neither did I.
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What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot
pads?
Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame
sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was
needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews
personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening
process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their
skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man
approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the
bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then
began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that
he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly,
rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and
plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street
below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only
moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them
asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on
his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist
(now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his
interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to
approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the
poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace
him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an
audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a
mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest
and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief
at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked,
"Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
"but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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How do you know there's a drummer at the door?
Because he doesn't know when to enter.
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A man died and soon after, went to Heaven. He discovered Heaven was
an endless hallway with doors to the left and right. On the door was
your I.Q. number. He went to door 160, and found the people there
talking about quantum physics. He slammed the door and went to door
120. He found the people there trying to figure out as many decimal
places of pi that they could. He shut the door and went to 80. He
found the people in there talking about lastnight's Packer game. He
thought to himself, "I'll come back to this one later,"
and shut the door. He walked all the way down to 16, and found the
people in there talking about Sunday's episode of "King of the
Hill." He shut the door, and went to door 7. He foung the
people in there drooling on each other. Lastly, he went to door 3.
He opened the door and heard one of the people say, "My sticks
were Zildjian, what were yours?"
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One day a drummer sick of all of the "stupid drummer"
jokes decided to change instruments. So he went to the local music
store and said that he wanted to learn a new instrument. The store
owner cheerfully replied ok and asked what he would be interested in
playing. After looking around the shop he said I'll try those things
over there, pointing to the accordion section.
After looking through the accordions from over an hour the shop
keeper said, "Have you found what you looking for?"
The drummer replied, "Yes, I'll take that big red one over
there."
The store keeper smiled and and stared laughing. When the drummer
asked why he was laughing the store keeper replied, "Are you a
drummer, son?"
"Yeah!" replied the drummer.
"Well that big red thing is a radiator"
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Q: How many drummers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Only one; he holds it and the world revolves around him.
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Q: What does Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream. (You must be old to get this joke,
like as old as a parent)
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Q: What do you call a drummer who's lost his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
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Q: How do you call a drummer?
A: You can't. They don't pay their phone bill.
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Q: What should you call a drummer?
A: It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway.
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Q: What's the best protection the Secret Service
could have against a Presidential assassination?
A: Make a drummer the Vice-President.
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A man was looking for a new brain. He went to a brain surgeon and
told him of his problem. The surgeon said, " I only have three
brains left." The man said, " Well what's the cheapest?"
The surgeon said, " I have a doctor's brain for cheap."
The man said," We'll that's great, what else do you have?"
The surgen said, " I also have the brain of a rocket scientist,
but that's just a little more pricey." The man replied, "
Wow if you have the brain of a rocket scientist, the last one must
be really smart." The surgeon said, " The most expensive
one I have, is a drummer's brain." The man said, " Why
is a drummer's brain so expensive?" The surgeon replied, "
We'll because it's never been used before."
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What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.
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So this guy goes into a store walks up to the counter and says "I'd
like a Mashall HiWatt 360 watt ampflicator and a fender Geetar with
the fried rose tremolo-
The guy stops him right there and says "You're a drummer,
aren't you?"
"Uh, yeah. How did you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
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Q. How do you know when a drummers outside your door?
A. The knock gets faster.
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A drummer dies and goes to heaven. Outside the Pearly gates
he's talking to St. Peter about the band.
"Who" askes the drummer "do you have playing
here?".
"Everybody" says St. Peter, "We've got Billie
Holliday, Ella and Bessie Smith sharing vocals, Duke Ellington and
Count Basie on piano, the saxes you just wouldn't believe'"
"So," askes the drummer, "who leads the
band?"
St. Peter waits just a second before answering and replies, "Well,
it's God of course, but occasionally he thinks He's John Dankworth".
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Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a
horse?
So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the horse sh*t
on the road.
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Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q#2: How can you make that drummer stop?
A: Put notes on it!
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What is the difference between a drum line playing together and
shoes in a dryer?
Nothing
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How do you get an elephant out of a 40 foot hole?
Lower a drummer into the hole and gross him out.
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What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
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How do you get a drummer to leave your house?
Pay for the pizza!
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What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.
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"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
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Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
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new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains.
There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering
grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it
costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000.
The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer
is confused, and questions the salesperson. "I don't get it...why
would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists'
for $10?".
The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."
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Q: What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon?
A: Farfromthinken
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Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine
once!
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Two girls are walking along when they hear...
"Psst! Down here!"
They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The
frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world
famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two
girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed
the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog
is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"
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Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and
puts the bulb in the socket for him.
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A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior
thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
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A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As
the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming
coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first
native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts
about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is
starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the
drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded
of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming
stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is
finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a
tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
"Bass solo."
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Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only after asking "Why?"
("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
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What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
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(Hmmm... that inspires a turnaround variation...)
Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical
and uninspired.
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If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the
Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer
with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.
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Q: What's do a drummer and a mosquito have in common?
A: They both suck!!!
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"Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer."
His mother scoffs and replies...
"Well, you can't do both."
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