Complain
about the temperature of the band room, the lighting,
crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when
the director is under a lot of pressure.
Look
the other way just before cues.
Never
have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra
reeds. Percussion players must never have all their
equipment.
Ask
for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give
the impression you're about to quit. Let the director
know you're there as a personal favor.
Pluck
the strings as if you are checking tuning at every
opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving
instructions. Brass players: drop mutes.
Percussionists have a wide variety of droppable items,
but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they
roll around for several seconds.
Loudly
blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and
clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
Long
after a passage has gone by, ask the director if your
C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you
had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he
catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your
part.)
At
dramatic moments in the music (while the director is
emoting) be busy marking your music so that the
climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
Wait
until well into a rehearsal before letting the
director know you don't have the music.
Look
at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief
occasionally.
Tell
the director, "I can't find the beat."
Directors are always sensitive about their "stick
technique", so challenge it frequently.
Ask
the director if he has listened to the Bernstein
recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a
thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the
first time you've conducted this piece?"
When
rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and
shake your head indicating that you'll never be able
to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
If
your articulation differs from that of others playing
the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the
director which is correct until backstage just before
the concert.
Find
an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so
that others will become restless and start to pack up
and fidget.
During
applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all.
Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument.
Make the director feel he is keeping you from doing
something really important.
