Ambitions & Resolutions for My Life

I never do this sorta thing usually, but as you can see from this website, my life needs direction......

In a man's life - or sometimes in the life of an immature 20 year-old boy that should act more like a man (that's me; ok, you knew that) - there are many changes occuring all the time. It's important for people of all ages (well, not ALL ages. Obviously babies have no concept of what's in store for them - same for old people) to make a plan, to have ambitions and goals in their life; to set their sights to the stars and never give up, even when the crushing reality of their sorry predicament should faaarrr outweigh any possible optimism they could have....And with that cheery thought in mind, it's time to ROLL OUT THA' RESOLUTIONS!!!!

• I'm been working two jobs since the last update. One happens to involve writing summaries of articles from the Australian Financial Review for an unnamed website (no, not Hustler.com). Now, as anyone who religiously reads this website would know (and a big hello to Tony Danza if he's reading), I hate anything to do with finance, economics, accounting, bathing etc. etc. etc. etc. - but I still want to keep this job. So, over the coming weeks - as I settle into the job more and more - I hope to slowly shift the summaries from their staid, cold, factual style into something more in line with my own sensibility. Here is an example of what my work looks like now...
  
  ...And now, Cast Your Eyes upon my brave new experiment with the world of financial reporting.
  
  
• Ambition #2: I want to try and find some Online Romance - because I've been hearing so many success stories*. I'm starting my venture into cyber-courtship with this fine specimen.
  
  
• Ok, that's all for this edition. "WHAT?!" I can hear Tony Danza scream, "Only two Ambitions this week?!!" - and I say, "Be quiet, my washed-up friend. There will be another update of Ambitions in the week before New Year, as I reflect upon the year that was (crap) and the year to come (Dear God). Join me then, won't you Tony... and the rest of you?"
  
  

Bringing My Sick, Self-Indulgent Adolescent Fantasies To You... Ambitions for September 22nd, 2001

• Hi-yohhhh* and welcome to this genial installment of Ambitions, the first one in a very, very, very..... very, very, very long time. The majority of the site hasn't seen an update since April-ish; this is due to a few factors:
  1. My computer crashing at the beginning of May
  2. Less internet time devoted to webpage building; more internet time devoted to delicious Asian pornography
  3. Somewhat of a loss of interest in making jokes when no-one reads them
  4. The realisation of the sad fact that I actually believe I 'make jokes'
  5. Spending more time actually getting out of the house, applying myself at uni etc. (Why are you laughing at that?!!)
  
  
  Anyhoots, now I'm back. My leading ambition in this series is to get the grand ol' dame (euphemism for this website... in case you were wondering) back on its feet and doing what it does best...
  
  ...What that is I still hope to find out at some point.
  
  The coming weeks will see new episodes of Mr Spontaneous, more wacky hilarity and possibly the online extortion of high-to-mid-profile Australian celebrities as I threaten them with nude photos of themselves, leaked confessions and other fun stuff (Daryl Somers, I'm out to ruin you, my friend!).
  
  
• With the recent, unspeakable terrorist acts in New York and Washington, I have - as have many others worldwide - reassessed my general attitude and my goodwill to others. Now, despite what this website might lead you to believe, I am (I think) a fairly decent guy... Women don't seem to think so, but hey... Anyway, events as catastrophic as these - and with repurcussions threatening to be even farther terrifying - make you, at some point, pick at your own faults in profound and prolonged bouts of navel-gazing... and the result? You come out of the other side enlightened and determined to make amends for any ill behaviour you may perpetrate.
  
  So, with this spirit in mind, I extend the hand of kinship and brotherhood to all my fellow men and women (yes, even you, Daryl Somers) and pray for our souls with a face full of trepiditious angst but also warm-hearted reproachmént and love.
  
  That doesn't mean that you can play the drums or sing, Daryl.
  
  
• Cheer on the mighty Parramatta Eels rugby league team as they push toward the premiership flag (not that there is an actual flag). This isn't so much an ambition (since I've been doing this all year anyway), but more just a gratuitous mention of my footy team. Thankyou.
  
  
• I don't think I have anything further to say at this point. This installment is really more just an attempt to 'get back on the old horse'; this despite the fact I've never owned or ridden a horse... oh, I did ride a pony once when I was around four years old, but they don't really get up to much of a gallop, so... huh? Wha-- Oh, right. Its just a saying, not a literal thing.
  
  Right...
  
  

Some Call Them 'Pointless Stabs At Happiness From This Pit Called Earth But More Resemblent of Hell', But I Call Them Ambitions for April 19th, 2001

• To get this latest batch of Ambitions... underway I'd firstly like to apologise for the sparing updates over the last few months - alcohol is my problem and I'll learn to deal with it. That being said, I'm sure no-one really missed it. That being said, if you are a woman and you're interested in a string of intimate romantic/sexual encounters, click here for more information. Try it, you'll never look at mules the same way again.
  
• Let's dig our teeth into some goal-setting, shall we? I'd like to mention at this point that I've been asked to contribute writing and sketch material for the Macquarie University 'Dramac' Comedy Revue 2001, and I accept the challenge with gusto. I ambit to make a fist of this opportunity to both entertain the masses (well, as many 'masses' as will come to a small comedy revue) and spread the word of the Mormon Church.
  
  Yes, that's right, I feel this platform is a more than apt one to profilerate my beliefs and ideas on why God is to be loved, why bicycles are for some reason the vehicle of his soul and word and why, inexplicably (but still, I refuse to stop believing) a giant flood will come again to cleanse the Earth, and that the survivors will be Mormons who had the foresight to store food under their house.
  Think about that for a second - under the friggin' house! Isn't that the first place the floodwaters will surge when their wave of destruction reaches your familial vestibule?!!
  Anyway, despite the issues of faith I'm still grappling with (I'm still not entirely sure why a Mormon God chooses to make membership of Heaven exclusive yto those who have ridden an elephant's back; just seems silly of Mormon God to decree that) I will put these aside to ensure the cast, crew and big-shots at Dramac that I am more than capable of producing mediocre comedy that makes people laugh in that nervous kind of way that people laugh at Rove McManus (and before him, Daryl Somers).
  If you're interested in attending the revue, it's still a few months away but you can join the mailing list and join in the spirit of Mormon God!-- Damn, I mean, find out when to come to the Revue.
  
  
• Another dream at the moment (and pretty constantly, actually) is to form a meaningful relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Oh, and for all you comedians out there who think it's 'hi-larious!' to call me a girl, claim I like guys and muddy the waters of my gender, I'm a Guy.
  ...By the way, Dad, I know it was you that called me a girl over the phone. Just so you know.
  Annnyhoots, it would be lovely (nice, even) if I could get this kind of attention - not just online, but in the 'real world' as they call it. I'll continue to go out with my friends, play snooker, drink and shout abuse at them, but a big part of me hopes that this empty well inside me soon fills with the warm oceanic waters of love, gurgling and splashing inside that well until every systemic cell is loved, every fibre of my being is known to one and in turn my pure waters fill her well.
  Oh yeah, and 'warm waters' doesn't mean 'urine' - although if that's how you want to interpret it, then be my guest.
  
  
• Well (no pun intended) that last Ambition was a little serious.... so I'd just like to point out at this juncture that I'm not really a Mormon as stated previously. And for all you international Mule HQ viewers (and I know that you exist so you can't sheepishly deny it), 'Rove McManus' is a guy on Australian television who isn't very funny.
  
  
• I've quickly run out of ideas, possibly because I don't have all that many Ambitions at the moment (except for meeting Mormon God), so stay tuned for another batch of Ambitions..., coming real soon....

Making you laugh at the dreams near and dear to me...It's Ambitions for January 29th, 2001

• Well hello for the New Year, and welcome. This is an extra-special time at Ambitions as it's that time in the beginning of the year where we formulate what kind of person we want to be and where we want to end up this time next year. Well, most people do - I piss-fart around.
  
  ...After all, it was for these very reasons that I started this page around a year ago. I'm never usually one for resolutions - more a 'Take each day as it comes and try to steal peoples wallets while you do'-type person, but for once I decided last year that I could both try and plan the year ahead plus mine comedic gold for my dear readers (all 3 of you who take the time). Anyway, let's go digging...
  
  
• Number one on the list would have to be finding love, romance and happiness....but then I realised again just who I am and that plan fizzled out.
  [In best sleazy cabaret voice] Haha, but seriously folks....It would be great if things in the affection dept. would actually work out nicely for a change...yet I realise at the same time that these things need work; that in order for Lady Luck to smile upon me, she first needs to be touched in that 'special way'. So, in order to 'grease the wheels', so to speak, I'm going to try and brutally murder my inhibitions, lack of confidence and sub-par to mediocore looks in a public ceremony on Monday, February 5th to be held in front of the old Courthouse Square. Inhibitions and lack of romantic success will be hanged by the neck and flogged with horse-whips, while mediocre looks with be humanely electrocuted. All are welcome.
  
  
  Somewhere in that last paragraph there was a rational thought - it just got buried very quickly underneath the refuse that flies from my brain.
  
  
• This year I'd also like to sacrifice my old, bludging ways and try to be much more studious. I realised this week that it's a little over two years until I can get the hell out of my university, leave behind all the people who spurned or rejected me and then go on to make them jealous, wishing they'd never let me leave their lives...HAHAHA, YES, SCHA-WEET REVENGE ON YOU ALL! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
  
  To anyone I know who is reading this: No, I'm not referring to you....Or am I?
  
  Aaaah, so twisted...
  
  
• Get a car. Realise I need a licence to drive a car. Get a licence. Realise that I never go out anyway, and if I did I'd much rather walk.
  
  
• Continue to unlock the key to the human male's fascination with breasts by selflessly studying as many breasts as I possibly can.
  
  
• View and chronicle every rejection or insult I receive from women, to show my grandchildren.
  
  
• Create more new English words, as done in the last Ambitions entry....for example:
  Whitashumra: An orgy for white, rich (top %2 rich) bigots and their friends.
  
  
• Ok, that's all I can think of for now....Stay Tuned, as they said in TV shows about 400 years ago (which was, incidentally, 50 years before TV was invented).

Cheerful optimism, despite the painful weight of reality crashing down upon our shoulders...It's Amitions for December 12th, 2000

• Well, it's been almost a year since I began this page, as a joke following on from New Year's Festivities. Soon after I found out that people actually didn't mind reading it, and so a new full section of Mule HQ was born. This will most probably be the last set of resolutions and ambitions until I bring you a fresh batch next year - Read it if you dare, comrade.
  
  
• Fight against oppression, terror and injustice. Bah, someone else can do it - I'm going to have a nap.
  
  
• Make this Christmas special for those near and dear to me. There's nothing more special than giving when showing someone how much you care - you really can make someone's day. That's why, this year, I've founded an aid organisation along the lines of Gamblers Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous: Problems Anonymous, a community designed to give the 'gift' of help to anyone with problems.
  Alcoholic?
  Gambler?
  Depressed?
  Bankrupt?
  Fallen Arches?
  Tinea?
  Body odour?
  Homies just don't give yo' respectz no mo'?
  Clothes won't fit?
  Hate your family, especially at Christmas?
  Crappy Satirical Website?
  
  ...I can help. This Christmas, admit that you have problems.
  
  Problems Anonymous: "Because Everyone Has Problems. Especially You, You Screw-Up"
  
  
• Use all the time on my hands to come up with some new words.
  
  New Word Attempt #1: Vopresmirate (v.): Heavy breathing related to lustful, licentious thoughts about your uncle.
  
  More new words later in this batch of Ambitions.
  
  
• It's been hot here in Sydney the last few days. And I don't just mean 'hot', I mean "H-O-T HOOOTTTT, y'all". Absolutely stinking hot. As I type this, the temperature's supposed to be in the vicinity of 30-something Degrees Celsius - and we all know what a trusted meteorological source I am. Anyhoots, it's about this time this year where I throw on my swimming trunks, dash outside....and take a headlong dive into the ground. It's as my head haemmorrhages profusely that I remember I don't have a pool.
  
  This summer, I plan to do something about this.
  
  I don't have enough room in my yard, with all it's gardens and whatnot, for a full-scale pool - But since when have logisitics been an obstacle to me? No, my friends, this summer I will have a swimming pool...and here's how I propose to do it: by utilising the space under my house, coupled with a trapdoor and a number of secret passageways which would make masters of espionage proud, I will construct a freestanding body of water under my house - in the space where last summer's failed 'Dig to China' and the previous summer's failed 'Subterranean Gold Prospecting Ranch' took place. Unlike these failed projects, however, the pool WILL become a cool, refreshing, chlorinated reality; this I vow.
  
  
• Carreydontic (n.) A condition where one's teeth are comparable in size and texture to comedic film star Jim Carrey's teeth.
  
  
• Get out and see more theatre, and get a lil' culture into my disgusting body. It's about time I stopped searching the phrase "Nympho Sluts" on Excite and started gaining an air of sophistication and an aura of literacy and elitist appreciation for the arts.
  
  Haha, that thing about searching for porn was a joke, by the by. Haha. Hah. Ha.
  
  
• Resdumba (n.) A person, genus niccus marlandia , who is the resident dumbass of a group, often trying to force his website or other such creative work on people who aren't interested, but politely look anyway.
  
  
• And finally, not to sound corny, but Merry Christmas, Happy New Year an' all that crap. Hope you'll be back soon...and tell your friends - because Mule HQ is the festive gift that keeps on giving!!
  
  Yeah, ok, even I don't believe that.

Bringing you the hopes, dreams, plans and aspirations of a young man who doesn't care about life anymore...It's Ambitions for November 14th, 2000

• The United States Presidential Election fiasco. We've all heard about it - the election was a week ago, and still we have no result, with possibly none forthcoming until at least this Friday.
  
  It's a precarious situation for democracy, and clearly the archaic 'Electoral College' system needs an overhaul - not to mention the American Constitution.
  
  Currently under the two party system you have...well, two major parties: The Democratic Party and the Republican Party. This time around, the vote has been so evenly split due to one major factor. That is, both candidates suck in almost equal proportions. To assure that all States are equally adressed in an electoral campaign, the Electoral College is the ultimate arbiter on who receives the presidential nod, with each state having a certain number of electoral votes. As a result, you have the farcical situation which sees Al Gore (Democrat) win the popular vote, but thanks to around 19,000 Floridians, possibly missing out on the presidency. American Politics is in somewhat of a crisis: Whoever is the eventual victor in this situation will have an administration tainted by the way they won.
  
  The solution?
  
  Appoint me as the 43rd President of the United States.
  
  Sounds farfetched, I know, and not legal under current US constitutional law (me being Australian and all), but I would lead with aplomb, gravitas and dignity - as well as making wisecracks about journalist's facial characteristics at White House press conferences. I also place myself in contention with the following promises:
  
  
  • 5c in the tax dollar going toward building a giant waterslide
    
  • 10c in the dollar going toward replacing Mt Rushmore's hewn granite hill-side completely with rubber. Imagine taking the kids to "Rubber Rushmore"! Bouncing on Thomas Jefferson! Throwing your little sister against George Washington, and watching her bounce back and fall on the ground!
    
  • A concerted foreign policy initiative aimed at reuniting war-torn enemies (eg. Israel and Palestine) with a series of funky foam dance parties.
    
    
  As you can see, I've thought this whole thing through.
  
  If you want a leader who's not even 20 years old, single, and runs a website no-one reads, then contact your local political representative....and VOTE NICK!
  
  Note: The author of this page apologises for the increasing tendency to actually talk politics/serious issues here instead of the wacky Ambitions you usually come back for more of each week. I'll try and address that with the next few...
  
  
• Invest more time in writing an 'Insults and Swearing' dictionary, including definitions of words such as 'dickweed', 'asswipe', 'turdburglar' and a controversial 'Blasphemy' section.
  
  
• Find the 'meaning of life'. Sell it to New Idea.
  
  
• Find a girl. This seems to be a recurring theme. No, I'm not desperate. Just trying to fill space.
  
  
• Grow a beard and have a fun summer break convincing people that I, Nick Marland, am the 'second coming of Christ'. Extort thousands of dolalrs out of like-minded fundamentalists by my birthday (ie. Christmas), have it all deposited into an undisclosed bank account by January 15th, bed several hundred female 'worshippers' by February 14th (Valentine's Day) and set fire to the cult compound by February 21st.
  
  Then back to University.
  
  
• Alright, that's it for Ambitions for now. Come back whenever you feel like killing brain cells again, mmkay?
  
  
  

I open up my head and see what icky goo comes out, then put it on a webpage...It's Ambitions for November 7th, 2000

• Time for another batch of Ambitions...
  Monday November 6th (I was just going to say 'yesterday', but I thought that might date the page a bit) marked a painful anniversary for Australia in the ongoing quest for true and final national independence. As about 150 people go to the polls in the US to elect the new 'Leader of the Free World', here in Australia we reflect on a poll that was held a year ago - a referendum to decide whether we as a nation should replace the Queen Of England as our Head of State with someone born in Australia.
  
  No, I know this is supposedly a comedy page, but that wasn't a joke.
  
  Under Australian Constitutional conditions, the referendum required a majority of voters in a majority of states (4 or more of the 6 states) to approve the change.
  
  They didn't. The Queen was retained as (symbolic) leader of the nation.
  
  No, that's not the joke either.
  
  Back then I had just turned 18, and as such this was my first taste of full participation in the democratic process. Unfortunately, due to the weasel-like manipulations of certain pro-Monarchy powers-that-be (not naming any names coughcoughJohnHowardcoughcough) my vote was virtually useless, as thousands of ill-informed (and uninformed) voters decided they would pick this opportunity to begin fearing change and the power of politicians (I don't know who the fuck they thought ran the country anyway. Pardon my French). Also, my site was but a fledgling in the internet world, only just 4 months old and still undecided about whether it wanted to be a comedy site or a site full of reminisces about the television series Transformers (because they're "More than meets the eye", you see...)
  
  Now the purpose is clear...It is the people of my generation to whom the task will probably be left to earn our country's independence (by non-violent, of course). And that is the first Ambition... of this week: a vow I make to myself to help along the push, however small my contribution, to the Republic of Australia being a reality - and to platform shoes and happy pants being the hottest things in fashion once more. The two things go hand in hand.
  
  Mule HQ apologises for the increasing tendency of this page being used for a political platform/rants/Nick's lack of a girlfriend. Our bad.
  
  
• Another big event coming around at this time of year in Australia is the internationally renowned Melbourne Cup: a horse race which makes it "Cool to gamble away your savings again!" (that's the actual slogan of the race). Anyway, as I type this, the race has been run and won, and I lost $16 on it (US $0.28)...So here and now, I vow to make that money back.
  
  "How?" I hear you ask. No, actually I hear you clicking on your mouse to get out of this site, but I pretend to ignore that...
  
  "Well," I answer, still trying to ignore your leaving, "I plan to become a 'player' in the Horse Racing Industry, that's how."
  
  Yes, that's right...using all my financial nous and astute judgement, I plan to invest into the horse racing industry, and reap the benefits of having my money work for me. "So, you plan to buy a horse?" you ask.
  
  "Nope...Well, not exactly" I reply.
  
  "Well, what - become a jockey? Invest in stables?"
  
  "No, and no again...take a look at the horse investment that will make me millions"...
  
  

October 30th...

• Well, it's...Okay, what time is it?...10:08PM on a Monday night, I am absolutely bored out of my head, so it's ambition time again. Time for Ambitions.... Wait, did I say that twice? I think I said that twi-- OK, Christ, I'm not lowering myself to Two Ronnies routines*. I'll save that for when I'm really out of ideas.
  * - This isn't even a Two Ronnies routine. I just had to blame someone and, oddly enough, they were the first sub-par old-school British Comedy Duo from the 60's and 70's that came to mind.
  
  
• Begin to write the novel I've dreamt of since I was 13 years old. Then realise eleven chapters in that no-one except sickos wants to read about a 13 year old's wet dreams of lesbian cocaine orgy-parties.
  Continue writing next 13 chapters.
  
  
• Meet the 'Two Ronnies': Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbert. See, now you understand the name.
  
  
• Change myself (No, I don't wear an adult diaper, wiseass). For too long, I've had the same old hairstyle, the same body (duh) and the same annoying old personality - one which eats into your flesh slowly like the piercing atonal meanderings of Celine Dion.
  
  Yes, that annoying.
  
  What I am proposing, in this 'get-it-done-yesterday' e-commerce world is that, rather than trying to change myself through haircuts, exercise or rapid personality adjustment, I instead just buy body parts of blackmarket dealers, and then buy the life of someone who would rather not have it (early suggestion: Trent Reznor, lead singer of uber-industrial reconstructionists Nine Inch Nails). These procedures would eliminate the tiresome '20th Century' processes we are all used to in travelling down the ragged road of self-actualisation.
  
  Alternatively, I could get a haircut, start working out and stop being such an asshole.
  
  I'm still undecided.
  
  
• There was something that inspired me immensely during the month of September 2000. Before you ask: no, it wasn't the Olympics. It wasn't hearing Radiohead's new album. It wasn't even the fact that Gloria Estefan's birthday fell on the first day of the month. "So what was it, you dickweed?" I hear you asking.
  
  The S11 protests outside the World Economic Forum in Melbourne beginning September 11th (Aaaaaah, I get it! Septmeber 11. God, that's a clever half-acronym)
  
  Yes, on September, a dozen people genuinely concerned about the International Monetary Fund's (IMF) tyrannical economic policy and the distribution of world wealth and thousands upon thousands of wankers just wanting to riot for a cause they didn't even understand packed the streets outside the Crown Casino in Melbourne, Australia...and Lordy was I inspired.
  
  So, I've decided: instead of going to university, living a full and (not so) happy life and updating the World's 'Most Hated' Website, I will instead devote myself to a much worthier cause: being a protest wanker. Yeah, sure, I may not really care about Aged Health Care, Plankton civil rights or Bill Gates' new car made of solid gold, but I can sure as hell have fun being a real asshole, blockading conferences, laying down in front of moving cars (Ow. Cars hurt when they crush you. Ow.) and claiming police brutality even though I instigate to within the nth degree of f**king tolerance.
  
  Yeah, Mum - that's what I want for Christmas!
  
  DISCLAIMER: The above rant is a satirical serve aimed directly at assholes who like to start trouble under a veil of social conscience. Mule HQ does (repeat: does) care about distribution of wealth amongst the world's population (including Bill Gates' car made of solid gold) and Aged Health Care (However, Mule HQ still couldn't care less about plankton). Mule HQ does not enjoy the wave of rich kids and those who like to listen to Rage Against The Machine and hang posters of Che Guevera on thier wall because it's "cool" to hate authority of any kind, especially if you are ill/non-informed. Mule HQ also apologises for repeated use of the words 'asshole' and 'assholes'. Thankyou. I just had to get that off my chest.
  
  

  ---

  
  The Last Batch of Ambitions... (October 26th)
  
  
  
  
• On to another edition of the page on my site people visit/care about the least (And that's saying something), with a few updates in my life. Number one, the Olympic build-up in my city has, um, built-up. And then down again. Man, that was a bad analogy - was it even an analogy? God, help me please.
  
  Number two, I have had a birthday, leaving the crappy old '18 club' and joining the '19 club'. The crappy '19 club'. And yes, you guessed it, I'm still not, y'know, in that other exclusive club...you know, the club for boys and girls who have become men and women...I think you know what I'm talking about.* To put it in lay terms (no pun intended), here's a quote from further down the page:
  
  "Hear my words: I will be sexy before I turn 19."
  
  I'm not
  
  Thirdly, I'm reaching the end of my first year at uni, with friends aplenty (mostly chicks - hey, who says I don't still got it? Answer: Me) and the requisite failing grades and drinking beer for an Arts student (Arts students getting drunk and failing - it's the law, you know).
  
  Why am I referring to all of this? Because it's a seminal time in my life (unfortunately not in the most literal, biological sense - Haha, that's a sick joke for all you linguists and biologists out there; lap it up) and seeing where I am helps to shape where I'd like to be this time next year.
  
  Some objectives include:
  
  1. Advancing my degree at university further by passing all my units (Odds: 9/1. Like I said, I study Creative Arts - technically not an Arts degree, but it's motto is "May as well be an arts degree, Chacko!" No, I don't know who 'Chacko' is, either)
     
  2. Getting a job at the community radio station with a studio on campus (Odds: 6/1. Community radio needs all the help it can get. Whether I'm help or not, we'll know this time next year). Then use this job to slowly build my way up to comedy career/television (Odds: Maybe just better odds than girlfriend thing - see below)
     
  3. Getting a car. To do this, I will need to get a licence. To do this, I will need to stop wasting time with this stupid site which no-one reads (Odds: 99/1)
     
  4. Getting myself a girlfriend, who I love and hold dear and who is willing to put up with me singing 80s pop songs (Odds: More of a longshot that the 'getting a car' or 'career in television comedy' ones - see above)
     
  5. Form a band. If there's one thing I've missed this year, it has been playing music with a bunch of friends...like-minded individuals who share my genre-smashing vision of writing and performing 'skiffle-meets-industrial white noise-meets-ragga-meets-synth pop-meets-Phil Collins' extravagant synthisised drum solos'. (Odds: Better than the girlfriend thing, about 35/1)
     
     
  Here's hoping that, before the year is out, ambitions - yours, mine, those of the old lady at the local mall who keeps yelling about Armistice Day or something - will become a beautiful reality...I'm Nick Marland - trying to update this site for the first time in months, but failing in providing anything of merit - for Mule HQ's Ambitions Page.
  
  * - The allegorical 'Sex Club. I'm still a virgin.
  Hmmm, perhaps I didn't need to mention that. Oh well.
  
  
• On a totally unrelated note, check out my profile at my friend Kev's Site...a revealing self-penned look into what makes me what I am.
  
  Basically 'what makes me what I am' is 1/2 a cup of flour, 3/4 teaspoons of sultanas, 1 tablespoon of sugar and a rolling pin. Send in the recipes for What Makes YOU to sir_kinkalot@hotmail.com and they may be published on this site. If not, they'll amuse me in the privacy of my own home.
  
  Now...How to make this into an Ambition and thus render it on-topic for this page.
  
  Aaah, screw it. Site's free, you can fend for yourself.
  
  
• As mentioned previously, I wish to get a band together. I want to conquer the world - touring the globe playing vast arenas and having the masses at my feet. To do so, I need to enlist the help of this man.
  
  

Earlier Ambitions...

• Just to get the ball rolling in this new batch of Ambitions..., I'd just like to say that I'll be updating this page more frequently from know on...since I found out a few people actually liked to read about my (fake) ambitions. Also check out this New Page, where you actually get to see a photo of me. "WOW!" you're all saying, "we really get to see that piece of 'sex on a stick' that is Nick Marland?" Well, no, you get to see average, ordinary Nick Marland. For all intents and purposes, there is no such thing as a sexy Nick Marland, but I'm working on it...I just bought a new cologne from K-Mart called Scent of A Suave Mediterranean Oil Tycoon, but when I first tried it I burnt a hole in my door. Oh well...
  
  Hear my words: I will be sexy before I turn 19.
  
  Speaking of 'sex' and 'me turning 19' (not that we really were, but it's my segue and I'm sticking to it) click here to view how many days I have left to have sex before I turn 19 (CURRENT ODDS: Heh Heh...Not too good, my friend...not too good at all...There was an elderly woman whose lawn I mowed back in April - she seemed quite 'randy' - but other than that*...
  
  * - This last part about the elderly woman is, thankfully, just a joke.
  She was only 70. That's not so old
  
  
• Find new ways to keep this site original, funny and popular. Then wake up, brush my teeth, and find ways to make this site original, funny and popular.
  
  
• Write a smash Broadway musical based on the life of Ricky Martin, entitled The Gayest Lil' Music Club in Puerto Rico
  
  
• Stop making lame, tired "Ricky Martin is gay" jokes
  
  
• Cash in on internet infamy to run series of self-help seminars with the theme 'Guns don't kill people...Mule HQ© does...with laughter!
  
  Later file for bankruptcy when I find out no-one knows what the hell a Mule HQ is.
  
  
• Get a real job. Currently I have a 'job' of sorts (which I'd rather not mention at this juncture for fear of ridicule*) but I'd like to do something real....Like, make hamburgers...or even telling people that "Yes, you do have a problem with impotency" and then laugh at them.
  
  * - If I don't want to be ridiculed, then why do I plaster my name all over this piece-of-crap website?
  The first person to answer this question will win a date with me.
  Girls, girls, girls (and guys)...Don't rush, one at a time!
  
  
• Well, the Olympics are less than three months away, and in my home town of Sydney, Australia no less (for overseas Mule-philes, Australia's the one at the bottom of the map...). Anyway, as this is such a historic and global event - and since it is on my doorstep (No, seriously...They're playing hockey preliminaries in my Bedroom) - I have decided that, with around 90 days to go, I will make myself available to compete. In what, I don't know. HOW?!!!...Not really sure yet. But rest assured, I think the arsenic I intend to plant in my all my competitors' water bottles will give me an unassailable advantage. Note the use of the word 'assailable' [evil snigger, sips from a martini].
  Failing Olympic Selection, I just plan to take the tried-and-tested route and make an ass of myself on global television. You know...streaking; sex scandal with drugged, unconcious, elite athlete; Busting up the Opening Ceremony with my unplanned rendition of 'Wind Beneath My Wings' that's sure to have all the barbaric security guards choked up with emotion...Or choking me with no emotion. (Boom-tish)
  
  
• Hmm...Hot-damn - I think I'm running out of ambitions!...
  
  
• No wait, here's one...No, that's a fantasy, sorry. No, I WON'T tell you what it was!!!
  
  OK, it involved an Eel and two metres of industrial strength piano-wire.
  
  
• Persue a music career....Not many viewers of this page would know that away from this page I am a deadly serious, romantic, heartfelt, melancholy, remorseful young man....Some may feel the phrase 'Stupid Loser' may be appropriate, I don't know. Anyhoo, I have for many years now been inspired by the work of Jeff Buckley, Nine Inch Nails, Morrissey and The Smiths and the haunting tunes of Dee-Lite ('Groove Is In The Heart' indeed...*sob sob*) and have written songs chronicalling my descent in sadness, 'Love Troubles' and the joke about the Man that walks into the bar with a Pig under his arm. My only hope is that as the year goes on I may have a chance to expose my (non-existent) talents to the world. Either that or just get a job playing the Hamburglar at McDonalds Parties.
  
  
• Study the ancient science of Alchemy to fashion a 'Suit Of Gold' from cardboard and various fabric cut-offs.
  
  
• Experiment with lethal cocktails of Prozac, Champagne and Elvis/Annette Funicello 'Beach Party' movies
  
  
• Learn to put my own interests aside and help others...If there's one thing I've learnt in my 18-plus years, it's that I truly hate myself. But this kind of self-hate and self-deprecation that I bandy about at almost any opportunity is not the same as being self-less....That is why, in spite of the fact the weight of the world is crushing my frail, slumped shoulders into a pulpy goo, I feel the need at this age to give back to the world from which I have taken so much.
  I hear you ask: "How do you intend to do this, weiner" (Well, I pretend I don't hear the 'weiner' part) "Charity work?...Vital organ donation? Devoting yourself to curing infectious diseases? Organising a giant 'Band-Aid'-style concert?" And in turn I answer: "No. No. Hmm, maybe. No" No, my plan is much more beneficial to the community: Starting a religious cult.
  Yes, that's right, the bane of Organised religion and your Parents can be yours if you sign up for MuleCult, the group of insane religious fanatics that makes demented cultural escapism through cults fun AND accessible again! It is only through pretending to be a deity and the son of an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy that I will regain my self-respect and help others by leading them away from Apocalypse and the evils of Ergvarasda*...so join today!
  *- To learn more about Ergvarasda, Overlord of Frudos Galaxy, join today!
  Small note: You know how I said at the start some of these weren't real?...This one isn't real
  
  
• Apply myself to my tertiary education....It's important in these times of increased unemployment and higher levels of students pursuing a degree to apply yourself and gain qualifications to 'make a fist' of the real world (I don't know what that actually means --think it has something to do with beating all the other interviewees up so you assure yourself of being the only one to get the job)...Anyhoo, I vow to make the most of this opportunity I've been given, or at least teach myself how to hack into the University's results computer over the course of my degree, and avoid the humiliation and beatings from my father resulting from a failure....Oh, by the way, check out the recommended reading for my course!
  
  
• Sex is not the 'be-all-and-end-all' of life....except when you're 18. Click here to watch for a constant countdown to my 19th Birthday....Will I 'do the nasty' before then????...Stay Tuned!...
  
  
• Learn to play Accordion....Don't ask me why; just filling space
  
  
• Use the added time on my hands gained after finishing school to devote myself more wholeheartedly to my other website
  
  
• Get a Ouija Board and harness it's mystical ethereal powers to reach out into the Nether Realms and contact such one-hit wonders as Snow, Lucas (of "Lucas With The Lid Off" fame), Utah Saints, The Knack and Dexy's Midnight Runners and ask them what the hell they were thinking when releasing such crap upon an unwilling public?! (Note: Most of these people actually probably aren't dead, but don't spoil the fun of mocking them)
  
  
• Renew my long-running stalking campaign of this man
  
  
• Pledge to myself to make this site better so that some 'guy' (read:Talent Scout or Television Dude) pulls me out of obscurity and throws me in the deep end as host of a late-night talk show, which I initially handle with aplomb until I become addicted to sniffing the Industrial-strength bonding agents they use on the set and collapsing into a world of depravity and self-destruction from which I can never escape....ahem
  
  
• See above, but instead as an Accordion player who conquers the music world with his uncanny talent but yet cannot conquer his own demons....again, just filling space; anytime you see the word "Accordion", you know I'm filling space
  
  
• Travelling abroad....in fact, I've already been researching some stuff about the United Kingdom at this site
  
  
  

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