Tickles!

Got any good tickles? Pickup lines? Knock-knock jokes? thaerra@hotmail.com

Tickle Quotes
Quick Tickles
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
How NOT to Pick Up Women
Yeah, I Shoulda Said That!
Blonde Jokes
Why Ask Why?
Others
Fun With the English Language

Tickle Quotes

If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him,
is he still wrong?
-Will Snyder

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinhem

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man;
if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher

If the world is a stage, then where does the audience sit?
-Anon.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner

I look just like the girl next door, if you happen to live next to an amusement park.
-Dolly Parton

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie," while looking for a rock.
-Will Rogers

My last girlfriend was a philosophy major. She spent all of her time proving I didn’t exist.
-Will Snyder

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
-Katharine Hepburn

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Quick Tickles
This job is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received praise, raises, bonuses and promotions.

Q. How many gnats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only two, but the real question is how did they get in there?

Q. How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
A. She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A. Nacho Cheese.

Q. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A. A pool table.

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. Because they have big fingers.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A. A pachydermatologist.

Q. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A. Quatro sinko.

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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey from Saturday Night Live.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

If they ever come up with a Swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

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How NOT to Pick up Women
Please send me YOUR favorite pickup lines!
Your name must be Visa, because your body's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.

Excuse me, could I have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

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Yeah, I Shoulda Said That!
* It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

* He must have fallen out of the family tree.

* He has a room temperature IQ.

* He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

* If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.

* A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* He s got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice week.

* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, She only gargled.

* He comes from the shallow end of the gene pool.

* The gene pool cleaner needs to make a house call to his family.

* The town he's from, well, you know the scum on top of shallow, stagnant water? That's his gene pool.

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Blonde Jokes
For the record, let me say here that I am a blonde. A dark blonde, most of the year, and I'll be the first to tell you I lighten it. HOWEVER, I fully condone blonde jokes as harmless fun. They would be just as much fun if we were telling them as redneck jokes, Kentuckain jokes (sorry- remember I'm a Hoosier), Polack jokes, dumb-jock jokes, whatever. I do find that ethnic stereotyping is dangerous, offensive and harmful. The original jokes are still funny, and can be told in the "dumb blonde" format to enjoy without ethnic slurs. See how dangerous comedy can be? Enjoy!

The Swim Competition
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were competing in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

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Why Ask Why?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Do you need a silencer if your're going to shoot a mime?

Who is supposed to read the "Seeing Eye Dogs Only" sign at the post office: --the blind person or the dog?

How does the guy snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is opened 24 hrs. a day and 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a 65 story building, would it hover above the pavement?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what would happen when you turn on the headlights?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad at the drive-thru ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of that same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

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Other Jokes

The Missionary thanks ChiefHoop
A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's going on here!"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says quietly, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the baby."

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Leroy & Jasper
Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'se gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and soon a prostitute comes up to Leroy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I could give you a good time, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go ask the bartender real quick and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to ask the bartender, and when he comes back he gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, the bartender say gonorrhea affects the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now."

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"Gas Station Contest" thanks Anduril
Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the Kentuckian.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the Kentuckian.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Two," said the Kentuckian.

"Sorry, I was thinking of three," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the one Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."

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"A Priest and a Nun" thanks Anduril
A priest and a nun were wandering lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said,

"Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag, again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun, after a moment, replied,"That's fine by me."

"Fine," the priest said, "You can get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

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"The Barnyard" thanks Matt
The chicken lay back and lit a cigarette. Cheeks flushed, fully satisfied, and smiling, he began to fall asleep.

The egg next to him sat up and glared at him, frustrated and angry. "Well, I guess THAT answers the age-old question."

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Fowl-Mouthed Parrot
There was a man with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the fella who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the man grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird angry and he swears more than ever. The man grabs the bird again, saying , "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the man is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *VERY* quiet.

At first the man just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you, sir. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. After a few quiet, peaceful minutes, the parrot asks, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

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Fun With the English Language
"Words Not Yet in the Dictionary" thanks Matt
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove" all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (ey' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of your at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster the elevator will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. the act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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"Hickphonics" thanks Alison N.
The Atlanta School Board has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. (alt. sp. AWL) A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT - noun, verb.1. a battle or combat.2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of "we" used as a predicate adjective.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Kids, y'all stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense of see.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

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