This 12th day of Christmas, 1998
Dear God & My Sister's,
As I sit here waiting to experience the next wave
of emotion, sure to change the mood I have now.
I can't imagine what it is I have done in this life,
to deserve the discomfort and sadness I feel now.
I'm feeling sad and worthless, lonely and wrong.
So after you've read it,
put it in the trash where it belongs!
My hair slowly falls to the sink,
with each stroke of the brush.
I tip toe around silent and terrified,
my breathing so loud,
I wish it would hush.
First I'm on fire,
and then I'm freezing cold.
I try not to cry, but I'm just not that bold.
I've spent my life different, so I never expected much. Once in control though, I'm now so out of touch. What's hurtful and so sad is not knowing,
where I'm going, only where I've been. I slowly come to terms in this mirror,
that I'll never be there again.
I wipe away the tears now, and try to "Bucker-Up". I have no appetite, so; I'm drinking my nutrition,
but my hands can't feel the cup. Just my luck! 33 and f****d!!
I can't imagine why I feel so ashamed, I'm the first to help or love anyone.
My parents just left to go home, my step-father hugs me, and for the first time, calls me his son.
God, I sit here and celebrate your name, and I'm proud of who you've made me.
I beg for your reprieve and forgiveness, I'll do your work, here or there,
just tell me where to be.
Should I stay here and suffer, or will you let me come home. Am I welcome in your kingdom,
or is hell where I will roam? This hurt tearing at me inside, brings me to this place.
An admirable man of once I loved, is someone that I now hate.
Lord, you take this pain and set it free.
And please, stop the way they look at me.
I sour inside a little more every day,
tell me how to not feel this way?
And remind each one that you find pitying me, that even when I'm gone from here..............
that's not how I would want it to be.
All I've ever wanted for any one or thing,
is that they be happy whatever their life may bring.
I remember when my soul was so happy,
and how we used to sing.
I have to close for now, for I cannot see the page.
I'm so disappointed, and so filled with rage.
Just please walk me through this night Lord,
and help too the others on this earth.
Who suffer for no apparent reason to them,
and ask that you justify "their" birth.
I place no blame, I will no harm,
each time that needle goes into my arm.
I do request though, this simple task,
shine on me your reverence,
if that's not too much to ask.
Your Loving Son,
David
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