am i going crazy?
february 27
and back on the road...
i purchased a new pair of running shoes before i went to japan, though i ended up not taking them with me. but using them today gave me cause for reflection.
a good pair of running shoes will make you feel as fleet footed as atlanta, as graceful as a gazelle, as lean and mean as a cheetah.
a bad pair of running shoes will make you feel like a counterexample to the theory of natural selection, a disgrace to the study of biomechanics.
*that's right, anne, blame it on the damn shoes!
* hey man, that's my story, and i'm sticking by it.
february 27, 2003
too much love might not be a good thing...
i love my cat, and am quite pleased that he apparently missed me a lot. but this is ridiculous. he won't leave my side, he follows me everywhere, and as soon as i sit down, he jumps up on my lap and demands attention so i can't do anything else, not even read. even now, he's trying to get between me and the keyboard. last night i could barely sleep because he kept shoving his face into mine and biting my chin (his interpretation, i think, of a kiss). poor baby.
february 26, 2003
"so when you go on your trip to australia, you have to see if the toilets really flush the other way. you totally have to film it."
"what? you mean they flush counterclockwise?"
"yeah, didn't you ever see the simpsons episode where they go to australia?"
oh yeah!"
dude, how funny is it that we use the simpsons as a source of scientific information?"
february 26, 2003
home again home again jiggity jig.
lasting impressions of japan (in no particular order):
masks, aprons, free tissues, cell phones, text messaging, trains, tiny, code violating noodle shops, yummy yummy food, coffee houses, train stations, crowds, vending machines, bad coffee, curry rice, a world of smells: urine, shit, shampoo, perfume, face cream, cough drops, bad breath, the smell of closets on coats, candy; snow in the city, unkept wooded areas in the middle of nowhere, more vending machines, taxis, make up, helpful people, shrines in the middle of no where, snow covered graveyards, speedy traffic, school girls with really short skirts, mindl boggling socks, sock glue (!), learning how to sleep on the train, discovering sleeping on the train is a bad idea, cold, endless waiting at train stations, foreigners, pachinko parlors, japanese style toilets, handkerchieves, kiosks, crows, tiny streets, little farms, tatami floors, being kicked off a train at 12:30 am, kanji, gutters, umbrellas, heels, bare knees, shinkansen, stray cats, yummy yummy food (did i say that already?), bowing, sleeping on the floor, "big" coffee, tiny pants only elves could wear, sugary toothpaste, bad teeth, ume flavored things, salary men, cool arcade games, automatic doors, shu cho, shoji screens, katsu burgers, starbucks, horrendous hiking trails, iddy biddy cars, convenience markets, baths, slippers, bento boxes, aggressive sales people, manga, paper bags, passing on the right side, spending money, green tea, the golden turd,“yaki imo” truck, loud speakers spouting political propaganda, unagi restaurants, bicycles, overpackaging, weird drinks, green tea, flourescent lamps, osembe, miso soup, weird gum flavors, the hustle and bustle, taking off shoes, putting shoes back on, torii, bamboo thickets, carefully manicured gardens, watery, sweet apples, and finally, my family.
and did i bring back some japanese kitty treats for my cats?
you'd better believe it.
february 24, 2003
i was rewarded while hiking, slightly lost in some remote area along a barely recognizable trail and slipping and falling along mud and rock, when i emerged from the dense woods into a clearing on top of a high hill and in a moment made more magical by its brevity the rain turned to delicate white stuff. "snow", i exclaimed in wonder. dropping my umbrella I let the stuff drift gently around me, through the great white clouds of my breath, to catch in my hair and quiver on my eyelashes. then, with sudden icy wetness, the rain returned, and i hurried to seek refuge under my umbrella and continue on my way.
february 23, 2003
on friday i journeyed into the evil kingdom.
here is the food of so called "tomorrowland." of course, we all know that burritos, and not pizza, will be the food of the future. by the way, that's a "big" coffee. evil evil land.
i journeyed deep into the depths of hell where, surprise surprise, child-like dolls danced in brightly coloured outfits to endless modulations of a repetitive theme song.
behind me looms the very heart of evil. not surprisingly, cinderella declined to make an appearance.
feb 22, 2003
why is it that when you are drunk you assume either:
a. that every one else is drunk
b. that every one else is sober and acutely aware that you are drunk.
i asked my two new japanese friends if, when they first saw me, they knew that i was a foreigner.
"oh yes," they answered, "but we thought you were canadian or australian."
"canadian??"
they laughed at my consternation. "why is that so bad? what's wrong with canada?"
how could i answer that? "in america, we don't like canadians."
as if in justification, i later encountered this little cafe:
is it just me, or is does the sign really say "barff"?
and please note the distinctive red canadian maple leaf.
february 20, 2003
notes from the underground:
watashi no itoko.
fevers, and what not do do about them.
and now you have me laughing and singing love songs like some poor fool.
febraury 19, 2003
curiosity, i've concluded, is something that should never go unsatisfied.
of course, one must be willing to pay the potential costs that such indulgence might incur. i can't say i have ever regreted doing so, however.
february 13, 2003
like a wild animal, i seek isolation in my illness, prefering to holeup in some sequestered location to fester in my diseased bodily fluids in solitude.
one of our older and more powerful drugs, the active compound was first derived from the park of the humble willow tree (genus salyx hence salycilic acid). i tell you this to increase your appreciation of ethnobotany and herbology. the full force of its strength left me shivering with gratitude as my fever finally broke, leaving me drenched with sweat and relief.
i debated a long time before deciding to take the stuff. since becoming ill, i have taken my temperature obsessively, using it as an indicaor of my progress. if i had excel (most wonderous of programs) on my laptop (an unforgiveable oversight that it was not included in the windows xp home edition)i would have made a neat little graph for all to see. in celsius, of course. it took me a while to get used to that, until i could make the conversions in my head. i initally had to guess my temperature based on my aunt's response: "ma ne... [not too bad]" probably meant 99-100, "mmm...." and shake of the head 101-102, and "oh no!i told you not to stay up and work on you computer," meant 103-104. it wasn't until later that i could confirm these observations on the internet.
however, i finally decided that my body needed a break. hell, it deserved one. but now, i can't really tell if i am getting better of not, especially because my fever started going up again right before i took it. also, because i firmly believe that we have fevers for a reason. but more on this late, when the insanity of sickness has subsided somewhat.
i coughed up something bright and vermillion. a morbid hope trickled through my mind that perhaps what i have is consumption, the disease of poets and those fated to life a brief but bright life tormented by the passions of suffering and unrequited love.
no worries; i'm pretty sure it's just that my aveoli have ruptured from so much expectorant stress.
ah, but what a death that would be, a perfect end to such a piteous life.
was another landmark for me, because for the first time i was actually able to eat soething of substance. i have been living off of water, tea, an occasional apple or grapefruit, and a rather unsavorily named drink called "pocari sweat", which is really just sugar water with electrolytes thrown in for good measure. but i was finaly able to eat a little fish, which will hopefully give my immune system the protein and b vitamins it will need to form those hard working antibodies. amazing, though, how such a simple and fundamental task will leave me exhausted.
sheryl crow has finally given way to prince. definitely a sign of improving health. i kid you not, i like prince.
they say positive, combative visualization helps when you are sick, and when i close my eyes, i imagine aragorn fighting for my cause, swinging his sword and laying waste to nasty orc virus nasties.
it's been over three days, and my captors still will not let me shower, insisting that it will set back my health. only now do they hint that should i show good behavior, they may grant a reprieve.
my sister returns to the war mongering usa today, taking with her the magic of wireless internet convenience. which means it may be a long time before i am able to post again, depending on my health and location. pray that when next i do, it will be while luxuriating in some onsen, enjoying good food and comforting atmosphere.
forgive various typos, grammatical errors, ommisions, etc. i typed this in the haste of anticipating jane's departure.
ciao!
february 12, 2003
still sick, though beginning to feel like i'm not going to die any more.
temperature ranges from 100 to 104. feeling like someone has shoved a hot poker down my throat and beat me all over with a baseball bat.
that, and for some reason i have sheryl fucking crow songs running incessantly through my head.
february 10, 2003
some horrendous number of people here in japan are out sick by some virulent influenza strain. it would appear that i am one of them.
damn asian flu.
will post more when i have more energy.
meanwhile, news from ryan:
what might i be returning home to?
but then, i can't help myself; i think i *really* have to know what the hell "delightfully tacky, yet unrefined" is supposed to mean.
february 7, 2003
spending the day navigating the train gauntlet, i have come to conclude that tokyo is not for the weak, meek, poor, or stupid. truely an evolved society.
i witnessed a guy wearing pants that combined my two of my favorite things in the world: courderoy and camou.
a whole range of makeup options not readily available in the u.s. i was initially struck by the fact that makeup is sold virtually everywhere, even from little train kiosks. at any rate, recent purchases include blue, lavender, and bronze mascara. (yes, i have been a little obsessed with the coloured mascara lately.) other possibilities included a metallic, glittery teal. wow.
i had to indulge my other weakness: fancy underwear. my latest purchase in that department? fleece undies.
and finally...
they don't mess around here. you get twelve stations (minus a couple if you have
bad reception) and there are exactly twelve channel buttons on the remote. no more, and no less.
february 5, 2003
odd it is to watch buffy in japanese. they just recently started airing that show here in japan. i think it would be quite popular, largely because in many ways
it seems to stem naturally from the anime/ manga culture. when my mom first told me they had started to air the show here, i got all excited because i assumed that
they would show the newest episode. imagine my glee in knowing some 17 hours ahead of the u.s. audience what was going to happen!
stupid, naive, me. of course they would show the earlier episodes.
you can actually watch it in english here, too, through the second
audio channel, but i was really curious to see how it would be translated, which, it would seem,
is quite literal. though the voices that they chose were rather annoying (imagine high pitched teenage girls squealing).
meanwhile...
ah, my mom... what can i tell you about my mom? it's been little more than 12 hours, and already,
i feel like i am clawing the walls. i love my mom, with a passion and deepness that is hard to explain.
our relationship has never been the conventional daughter/ mother interaction. i think that you would
have to meet my mom to really understand how and why, but once you meet her, it will become obvious to you.
there is a vulnerability in her that comes not just from the physical gauntlet that she had to to endure over the years,
but also an emotional vulnurability. at the same time, she is one of the strongest people i know, one of the people with the
most vibrant, loving, and giving people. the paradox is at times impossible to dwell upon.
but i think i have come to realize that it is her very vulnerability that gives her her strength. she dwells upon it, nurtures it.
one of the things that she does is she will deny herself things; food, comfort, happiness. she will deliberately not
turn on the heater, and then complain constantly about how cold it is, even to the point that she became so ill she had
to go to the hospital. she doesn't feed herself, nor does she do things that she knows will make her happy.
i think all these aspects of her come from some misguided sense of martyrdom, or perhaps of viewing herself
as a victim of life. which, i have come to conclude, pretty much results to the same thing. for what is martyrdom if not a way or renegotiating
victimhood to alter the balance of power in your favor? all this, of course, fits in quite nicely with her christian beliefs.
so you can begin to understand the interplay of guilt, resentment, frustration, desperation, pity, admiration, and ultimately love that go through my heart
every time i spend time with my mother. i don't know that this is something that i can ever resolve.
and also...
thanks to jane and justin who arranged to have my cat put to sleep yesterday. i'm pretty sure it was the right thing to do.
and now i have asked justin to do one other favor for me, the importance of which might be difficult for many to understand.
i have come to regard the cats as part of my tribe. this sentiment, mixed with my self created animism and superstition, leads to my
bizzare, pseudo-ritualistic need to have the cats buried in the yard.
thanks again, justin. i know this is a big favor to ask, but it means more to me that i can ever explain.
february 3, 2003
and now i am off to japan. this trip feels rather odd to me, mostly because when i return, i will come back with my mother, who is at a cross roads in her life. it seems all the pinckard women, myself, mom, and jane, are in a similar situation we have, as i put it rather indelicately, "lot of crap to talk about." it will be a time of deciscion making, of compromises, but also, perhaps, of new beginnings.
february 2, 2003
my little cat, i fear, is dying. she is quite old, no one really knows exactly, but an accurate estimate would be around 15 years. which is quite ancient for a cat. she's lived a pretty decent life, i think, many sunny days spent on the deck with her tribe.
but watching her deteriorate is painful, perhaps because i see echoed in her memories of watching my parents' health decline. she has in large part ceased eating, spends her days curled up on my bed or on the couch sleeping soundly. sometimes, with trembling paws, she will climb onto my lap and perch there, virtually insubstantial. and mean while, the blood that she passes in her urine is clear sign that something is amiss.
the worst part, even, is not knowing quite what to do. it's fair to say i've spent close to $1000 this past month in vet bills. she's had countless examinations, blod tests, antibiotics, and even x rays, to determine what is wrong with her. but the limitation of veternary science is in the diagnosis, and many times, treatment is reduced to trial and error. "let's give her this antibiotic and see if she gets any better." meanwhile, time is running out for her. i've been wondering now if i should euthanize her. yet somehow, i can't bring myself to refuse any consideration for future recovery. a vet once repeatedly suggested that i euthanize another cat that i have, who was at the time incredibly ill with a variety of undiagnosed problems, but who now is healthy and content.
the worst is when she looks at me with eyes filled with trust and helplessness. to know that her life is in my hands brings terrible responsibility. how can i ever look back into those eyes and even consider that i could or would not let her live because it is too expensive, or because i don't think she'll make it?
february 1, 2003
how sweet to lie next to someone who sleeps soundly, unaware of the solitude of insomnia.
january 31, 2003
dear diary,
the mail did not come yesterday.
my suspicions have returned.
yours truly,
anne.
in other news...
sitting at a little cafe near campus, sporting my new laptop and working on my story. friendly student approaches, asks without much in the way of introduction, "hey, are you a student here? what's your major?"
i laugh. "nah, i'm not a student. i'm just a poser."
don't think he knew quite what to make of that.
being so near the campus, though, i became vulnerable to its siren song, and began considering once again applying to graduate school. it was stimulating and nostalgic to be once again within the hum of acedemic pursuits, to observe a student studying renal physiology, to listen to a group of professors talk about their freshwater ecology experiments, even to overhear two recent graduates relate their anxieties over their applications to graduate school. there is something about school that is so compelling, and to someone like me who needs to feel like they are doing something important and worthwhile (however nebulous those concepts are), academia is instantly gratifying.
and more...
feeling much better today than i had during previous posts. the solution, really, was quite simple and obvious when i came across it. i simply decided i was no longer going to be responsible for certain things (it is not worthwhile elaborating here). now life is much easier.
january 30, 2003
tips on purchasing a major electronic:
january 30, 2003
you ask
why i perch
on a jade green mountain?
i laugh
but say nothing
my heart
free
like a peach blossom
on the flowing stream
going by
in the depths
in another world
not among men.
-li po
various and sundry thoughts:
first, never underestimate the value of comfortable running shorts. let's just say that chafing in that area really sucks.
secondly, i am annoyed to find that something that i thought i posted yesterday didn't actually get posted. i don't have the inclination to write it again, those words and thoughts now lost forever.
am preparing for my trip to japan. should be a joyous occasion, should be excited. by why then am i left with the hollow feeling of melancholy? it envelopes me like a mantle, offering comfort in its familiarity. how i have missed you, old friend.
January 28, 2003
did i miss something? is it summer already?
January 27, 2003![[image of jane and adam dancing over anne's fallen body]](ddr.jpg)
the game must go on!
dedicated dancers continue without missing a beat even as i fall to the ground, unable to continue.
photo by lisa
January 26, 2003
the superbowl today. yay!! [script reads: voice dripping with sarcasm]
who ever thought that it was a good idea to name football teams the "raiders"? does that just not invite looting and pillaging?
you say, "you're not much of a sports fan, are you?"
i reply, "you know, i would describe myself more as an antifan."
meaning i go out of my way to denigrate, ridicule, and demean team sports and sporting events. and i apologize to those of my friends and aquaintances who have experienced the full force of my scorn. it's just that we as a society spend so much money, time, and energy supporting teams and events. it makes me wonder, has any good ever really come out of it all? have we reduced poverty, have we ensured that more children will get a decent lunch in school, or even made headway towards reducing pollution or world conflict? the answer, of course, is no.
but perhaps i am not being fair. sports makes a lot of people very happy, and despite the associated looting and domestic violence, and maybe this effect is more important than i am willing to concede, high, as i am, on my elitest horse. recently i have also come to consider that team conflicts are a necessary part of existence in a modern world. it allows us to direct our inherent "us" vs. "them" into a relatively friendly and innocuous arena of competition.
i have long since concluded that our desire to dilineate, define, and separate ourselves by region, culture, ethnicity, etc, is an inherent component of what makes us human. hence the process of stereotyping; finding "gross" and "characteristic" qualities of the "other" allows us to find who we are.
diamond reinforces these thoughts in "the third chimpanzee." which means that it would be very difficult for us to breed this evolutionary behavior out of ourselves. which is why sports events might be so very important for us to live harmoniously together. the sports team takes the place of the tribal warriors, who go out to battle the warriors of opposing teams. by giving our need for battle with the otehr an outlet, we can perhaps circumvent problems that might arise otherwise.
but then again, it football might just be, a my friend is fond of saying, a good ol' game of strategy and violence.
January 25, 2003
to think i could have bought a lap top for the price of adinner.
for those of you who need to know, yes, it was the best damn meal *ever*. will i ever be able to bring myself to eat mundane food after?
January 24, 2003
screw that! [posting this now in response to my earlier post not five minutes before]
life is trying to find out what you want, and then figuring out how to get it: want, take, have.
executed morally, or course.
january 24, 2003
wondering now if life may not be a continual struggle with dissapointment, of wanting what you have, and desperately trying to not want that which you do not have.
January 23, 2003
dear diary,
yesterday i saw the mail man.
"hello," he said.
"hello," i responded.
what is he hiding?
very suspicious.
January 22, 2003
dear diary,
the mail came well after dark yesterday.
my suspicion increases.
January 21, 2003
god bless the onion.
january 21, 2003
dear diary,
yesterday, the mail did not come because of some alleged holiday.
today, the mail has not yet come.
i grow suspicious...
January 20, 2003
my latest obsession: rose water.
it's wonderful, decadent, sweet, with the heady aroma of roses. in cooking, i recently used it, along with pomegranite juice, to make a whipped cream filling for my roulade. damn, it was awesome.
non culinary uses include adding some to your bath water (i used about a half cup, i think).
i also used it instead of water to fill my water pipe. i have long considered experimenting with filling it with different liquids. if you filled it with vodka or something would you be able to absorb the alcohol through your lungs and get drunk, too? at any rate, the rose water experience was pretty cool. it adds a rather sweet, perfumey taste to the smoke. though i wonder about the health effects of breathing that into your lungs. more than just the smoke, that is.
i promise more updates on the many wonderful uses of rose water as i discover them
January 17, 2003
a collection of random thoughts today:
first, thank god for best buy, which is open until 9 pm mon-sat, 'cause you never know when you're going to have a bloomin' emergency. (yeah, try to figure that one out).
otherwise, i finally discovered why people look at me strangely at the supermarket. it's something that i noticed out of the corner of my eye, but never really paid attention to. you know, the side long glance, the quickly averted eyes. i figured it was how i dressed, or how i carried myself, but now i realize it's because i talk to myself. not just little comments, but constantly, from making sound effects, to saying, "do'h!", or even talking to myself about what to make for dinner, "ooo! these black chantrelles look really good. maybe i'll make an omlette tomorrow..." it's all a sign of my encroaching dementia.
January 15,
if i never see a paint brush again i will die a happy gal.
connie shares her painting tips:
January 14, 2003
more painting tips for dumb-asses:
january 14, 2003
painting, day 4
the crew has been demoralized these last few days. the unexpected delays and the questionable choice of trim colour has dampened our spirits. one member of the team has abandoned us, and the other is too weak to continue.
i struggle on, alone, and even as the end looms ever nearer, i fear that i cannot continue. and yet, ever shall i endeavor!
January 13, 2003
"painting for dumb-asses"
by anne pinckard
.
January 10, 2003
more thoughts on diamond's the third chimpanzee (have mercy; these thoughts represents perhaps the height of my intellectual pursuits today).
in discussing the spread of the europeans over the continents, diamond laments the loss of cultural and linguistic diversity for reasons analogous to the loss of biodiversity. ultimately, however, he speculates that it may be that very "global culture" (though in my mind the validity of that word is questionable) that preserves us all from destroying ourselves.
i have long waffled on the subject of globalization. early on, i readily adopted the anti-globalization sentiment that prevailed among people of my neo-pseudo-hippie political/ social/ cultural niche. however, even casual investigation into the matter reveals that such an uncompromising attitude is prohibitive, and does not do justice to the complexity and multiplicity of the issue. it seems to be true to me that globalization has lead to a homogenezation of human culture, reflected in the loss of many languages in the last two centuries or so. however, what of the hybrid cultures that arise, the mestizos, the happas, the ones speaking pidgin and creole? can it not be said that even as older cultures dissapear, new ones are created in the intersections? this again leads to the concept of a chimera of cultures.
January 9, 2003
i have been spending most of my time reading the third chimpanzee by one of my favorite authors, jared diamond. well written and accessible, though perhaps becoming outdated, this book explores the concept of humanity from an evolutionary perspective. he investigates and challenges many of the qualities that we consider fundamentally human, which i will not discuss here, but are well worth reading the book for. at any rate, he addresses a topic that i have recently been fascinated by. the question that diamond explores is this: why are humans compelled to use dangerous drugs, and is this a uniquely human quality? his response is that there is an evolutionary basis for this type of behavior, and no, it is not uniquely human at all. his main premise is that the use of dangerous and destructive drugs proves the relative fitness of the user. for instance, if a man does dangerous drugs and is able to survive them, then surely his genes must be superior. diamond brings up examples of dangerous drug use both from modern existence, and from older cultural traditions to illustrate his point.
however, there is one distinction that prevails in all his examples that he does not address. the distinction is that modern drug use is characterized by over use or over dose, while in ancient cultures, or cultures based on older traditions, rarely is the drug used outside of a social context.
if this generalization is valid, then what does it say about the role of cultural evolution in human evolution and survival? presumably, the cultures based on older traditions have evolved a societal context of drug use to help preserve the lives of the individuals. if diamond's premise is true, then yes, surviving the use of dangerous drugs will prove that you are fitter than someone who survives without using drugs at all. but creating a cultural context for drug use means that you may only have to prove your fitness once in your life, or on certain occassions when it will really count. that is, drug use in isolation or at will does not prove you are any fitter unless it is done within a ceremonial context.
if *that* is a valid argument, then what does it say about modern culture, and the lack of ceremonial context, or even social context for drug use?
in some respects, i see modern society as equivalent to genetic engineering, where cultures are being cut and pasted together at a rapid rate that is difficult to adapt to. in many ways, this is incredibly exciting, allowing infinite possibilities as we develop a "global culture." on the other hand, will we end up with some non functional chimera?
January 8, 2003
"i want more life, fucker!"
i once said this to express my dissatisfaction with my existence, my need to find more meaning in life than what our jobs and menial existences might provide.
i invoke those words today to express a strangely parallel and simultaneously antithetical meaning. i'm feeling *too* happy, too content and comfortable. where is the angst that i have come to depend on to fuel my writing? where is the confusion, the bohemian malcontent?
i spent most of my younger years encompassed by a cloud of depression, believing that i was simply not meant to be a happy person. in some masochistic way i enjoyed this emotional trauma. there is a certain validation that comes from experiencing life so fiercely and sharply. but somewhere in between the years 2000 thorugh early 2002, i hit what i consider rock bottom. at the worst times i contemplated suicide almost daily. reflecting upon those moments today, i think that if i hd not felt such an overwhelming commitment to my job, knowing that every day i had to get out of bed and go to work because people there depended on me, i might not be here today. the irony of that speculation given my current situation does not escape me.
nevertheless, it was at that time that i realized i did not want to spend the rest of my life as a slave to the tumult of my emotions. inspired by the theory of cognitive thought therapy, as outlined in this book, i began to transform what i considered to be one of the fundamental aspects of my personality. so for people who may feel similarly depressed, it *can* be done, without drugs, and without professional help (though these resources certainly will make it easier, i am sure).
at any rate, i think that by today, i have in large part, succeeded in conquering my inner demons, largely through a force of will. i do not fool myself into thinking that the battle is over, or that i will never feel those thoughts again, but i have a new attitude, one that refuses to allow me to feel depressed.
which leads me back to the beginning of this post. melancholy, suffering, and malcontent have been my muses for the last ten years of my existence, empowering me to find beauty in the complexity and poignancy in life. how do i cope with that loss? is it possible to restructure my creative process?
January 6, 2003
does any one else get all overwhelmed with warm and fuzzy feelings and start to cry while watching the production documentation for fotr?
January 5, 2003
lotr porn?
mmmmm....
"this armor's getting kind of wet and heavy in the rain. maybe i should take it off..."
[did i really post that? i *so* just did!]
January 4, 2003
julia child has an electric oven??
January 3, 2003
a trip to the dentist sheds new light on a dark secret.
the story of my "open lock episode" (dentist term for my jaw getting dislocated) was greeted with shaking heads and astonished faces. "we have to find out what's going on," says my dentist, a woman whom i absolutely adore.
she rifles through my file and finds the xray that they took in 1998 to check on my wisdom teeth. "wow," she breaths.
"what?" i inquire.
she doesn't respond for a few seconds, then says, "here, i want to show you something."
she sits me down in front of the xray viewing tray. "this is your jaw," she says, and points out the ball and socket joint. "now," she says dramatically, "look at my xray." she replaces my xray with one of her own.
holy cow! the differences are instantly apparent. she's got a real ball and socket joint. me, i just have a bump cradled by a concave curve in the jaw bone.
"i think you are just anatomically predisposed to this sort of episode," she says, tilting her head sympathetically.
but the more profound implications of such anatomical differences come swiftly and without mercy to my suspiciously insightful mind. clearly, i am a prototype, a botched experiment, from when they thought it was a good idea to genetically engineer humans with unhinging jaws by incorporating snake dna. does this also explain why i hiss all the time?
January 2, 2003
you know it's cold when the butter that you left out on the counter last night is all hard and congealed in the morning.
January 1, 2003
if i have learned anything from the year 2002, let it be that life is better with kung fu and an animal suit.
December 30, 2002
and when i run out of money for food, i figure i can just poach those fat little chipmunks at the berkeley marina.
December 28, 2002
sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night to find my cat sitting on my chest and licking my face with such an expression of patience born of diligence. it's times like these that i wonder what he thinks of the taste of my skin, or if the hairlessness of it strikes him as weird.
December 26, 2002
bless your little hearts, i know just how you feel.
apparently someone did a google search for "jaw won't close dentist" and came across my site.
i hope i was able to provide them with empathy, if nothing else. perhaps i should start a support group?
December 24, 2002
today i experienced an inexplicable urge to eat a bug.
i'm not really sure why.
i was struggling against the impossible forest of weeds that has seemed to come out of no where, when, unearthed by an uprooted plant, lay a grub, sleek, fat, and glistening white in the moist humus.
My immediate reaction was not, "eww! a bug!" or even the instinctive, "die future pest!" that a gardner should have.
rather, what crossed my mind was, "ooo, yum; a bug!"
frankly, i'm a little frightened.
December 19, 2002well guys, it's been long, it's been strange, and it's definitely been a trip.
thanks to all my coworkers and bosses; i will miss you all.
December 18, 2002
3:32 pm
help! is it possible for time to flow backwards?!
i have only one task i need to accomplish today, but somehow it seems so impossible.
so now they give me a raise!
it's 10 am on wednesday the 18, i got 15 more hours to go, and i get a letter from my boss saying that i am receiving a raise of $0.68/ hour, retroactive to november.
gee, thanks. a gal can do a lot with $0.68 more per hour.
December 17, 2002
the future's so bright i gotta wear shades...
December 14, 2002
usually by this time of year, i have been flooded with free calendars. it would start with my mom's life insurance agent who would swing by the house with rather quaint americana calendars. though i would find them distasteful, nevertheless, a free calendar is a free calendar, and i would resignedly stick it up on my refrigerator. these free calendars stopped about two years ago; i'm not really sure why, though i suspect that that agent simply retired, or perhaps even passed away (he was really old). last year, i got a nice calendar from work, as well as several from miscellaneous aquaintances. this year, though, it's was already almost half way through december and i still hadn't received one. i briefly considered not buying one at all; after all, i will be unemployed next year, and dates will really have no meaning, besides finding out when your friends will be available to hang out. there is something appealing, i think, about living in such a timeless, happy go luck manner. but i'm not sure i am ready to make that plunge. what about doctor and dentist appointments? job interviews (if and when it gets to that)? in desperation, i browsed through the calendars at the bookstores, but damn if i'm going to pay full price!
and then as luck would have it, as i left the home despot after purchasing my industrial size kitty litter box they handed me a free calendar.
all this really just goes to prove to myself that if you have a need, well, maybe the universe will take care of you. is that too foolishly optimistic? i suppose time will tell.
December 11, 2002
my big secret is out!
"i don't know. that doesn't seem right, somehow. isn't there another word?"
"let me see... hmmm... how about 'delinquent'?"
"Oh yeah, that's great! That is such a great word!"
"word!"
she turns to me, a big grin on her face, her eyes sparkling, "you're just a big dork, aren't you?"
December 10, 2002
it's like having a drummer in your god damn pocket.
December 9, 2002
that's it. i'm shaving the cats.
after sweeping the floor for the third time this week, i decided to analyze the material. about 65% (by volume) cat hair, 15% my hair, and the rest kind of these weird particles that i didn't really want to examine too closely. by shaving the cats, i figure i can cut down the work load by 65%, right?
for those of you who are similarly prevention minded, i am available to conduct dust analyses for a nominal charge.
December 8, 2002
"so what kind of music do you listen to?"
"hmm, all kinds of music. like alternative country."
"alternative country?" [script reads: filled with skepticism]. "is that like young country?" [script reads: filled with consternation.]
"no no no, it's hard to explain. what about you, what do you like to listen to?"
"i've been listening to the magnetic fields obsessively lately."
"alternative country!"
"what!?" [script reads: filled with horror]
but at home this morning listening to the compilation i have made from 69 love songs, groovin' along to tunes like "chicken with its head cut off", i realize, ok, yeah, this has a decided country thang going on, with the lanky beat and the guitars, and the homey lyrics. nice, i think. i'm comfortable enough with my coolness to accept that i might be listening to alterntive country.
but to classify them as simply "alternative country", i think, sells short the genius of the magnetic fields."long forgotten fairy tale" and "meaningless" are decidedly rock, "let's pretend we're bunny rabbits" has a pop flair, while "for we are the king of the boudoir" is essentially madrigalesque.
but how do you classify songs like "i shatter"or "fido your leash is too long"?
stephin merritt blurs the lines between genres; the result is a startling variety of sounds created with rather unlikely instruments. the lyrics, though dangerously sentimental at times, are replete with heart wrenchingly self depricating, reflectively ironic and witty twists that they avoid all cliche and describe the human condition so completely.
December 6, 2002
3 am adventure (and it was no party)
insomnia struck today at around 3 am. i tossed and turned for a while, finally decided to try to do something productive. i sit up and stretch, yawn, and.... d'oh! my jaw won't close!
i experience a fleeting moment of panic. it's rather frightening when a part of your body does not respond as it should. (if you've ever slept on your arm to the point that it is *complete* asleep, and you roll over and your arm is just kinda there, like dead flesh, then you know what i am talking about.) but i had it under conrol, because this has happened to me before. out backpacking some years ago, i needed to use both my hands in the dark to work the camp stove. so i did the obvious thing. i stuck the flash light in my mouth. but when i took it out a couple minutes later, my mouth wouldn't close. now *that* was freaky, being stuck out in the middle of nowhere like that. fortunately, my friend and i managed to wiggle the joint back into place. which is what i tried this morning, but damn, it wouldn't budge. that jaw was jammed.
(by the way, this is a very embarassing story, and i am only telling you in the strictest of confidence. if you cannot be discrete, i request that you stop reading immediately and perhaps click on one of the links to the left.)
resignedly, i start dressing and drive myself to the emergency room.
the wait there is not as bad as it can be, and soon i am sitting in front of the triage nurse. "what seems to be the problem, honey?"
i point to my jaw.
"what?"
isn't it obvious? "Mah jah whan closzh!"
she looks at me funny, and i make closie motions with my hands. "Oh. how did this happen?"
"i woh up an' yawn an' now i' whan closzh!"
"Oh, poor honey. Did you try to close it?" emphatic nod of the head. actually, i had googled to find out what to do.
"does it hurt?" hell yeah, i'm thinking, but can only nod even more emphatically.
this sort of interrogation continued until finally she gave me a sympathic nod. "it looks like you're jaw is dislocated, honey. i'm so sorry." with relief, i see that she has circled priorty "2", but checked "no distress." i felt like i was in alot of distress, but what can you do.
and shortly i was on my way to the examination room. where some big nurse said, "yeah, i'll reset it for ya!" and took a mock swing at me. i sneered at him as best i could in my condition.
it actually turned out to be a big affair. they gave me pain killers and muscle relaxants. they assured me i would just go to sleep and would remember nothing. not entirely true. i remember the doctor came in, tried to reset it. which, if you don't know, involves their putting their hands in your mouth and pushing down really hard.
"Damn," i over hear her. "this is really stuck!"
the nurse chimes in, "do you want me to try?" so then the nurse tries. no luck. they stare at me in consternation for a moment. "Maybe if you sit on top of her, you can get better leverage."
the doctor (female, by the way) considers it, then laughs. "that's a rather compromising position," but they decide to go with it anyways. no cigar. "damn!" she blurts out again. "that is one stubborn jaw." both nurses struggle for a while. then the big nurse that was joking out in the hall earlier comes in, and he give it a go. all this, i remember clearly. but i must have fallen out of it completely shortly thereafter, because i don't remember my jaw getting fixed, and i don't remember doing what the nurse told me later as i came around.
"i have to say, you are the most amusing patient i've had in a long time."
"why's that?" i murmur.
you were laughing and laughing the whole time. it was really funny. i enjoyed having you here today."
"glad i could amuse," i say before drifting off into sleep. after all, i think to myself, if i can't laugh at my predicament, who will?
December 5, 2002
so i'm thinking about writing a self help novel called: "microsoft excel: a self help program." no, seriously, i'm not kidding. microsoft excel changed my life. details will be included on my new website.
speaking of, i'm feeling a little daunted about taking that on, because now i'm thinking, damn, i have to start from scratch. i started coding monday night, and man,it's so much work. especially since i feel like im kinda stumbling around in the dark.
December 2, 2002
the aftermath of it all
surprisingly, i still have the energy to continue work on my story. i think i have abandonment issues; afterall, i aorely miss my characters, living with them, being inside their heads all the time, thinking "what would ____ do in this situation?"
in the meantime, i am getting ready to move. no silly, not really, just my electronic address. which means that i probably won't be posting alot until i'm done. again. sorry. i promise the new site will be much better. because now i have a clue.
December 1, 2002
(december already? really?)
my house is a mess, my fridge full of rotting perishables, the top of my desk littered with a collection of emptied whisky glasses and coffee cups, and all i can do is sit here and stare at my computer screen, my fingers poised on the keyboard ready to catch the next wave of inspiration.
i'm thinking, hey! this is it! i've done it; i'm a writer!
oh wait, no, sorry. false alarm. i'm just a lazy-assed s.o.b.