Random Oddities

Answer this... random answering machine messages that I've found throughout my travels.

+ Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.

+ Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's.
Life sucks. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order.

+ I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either.
In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.

+ Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again,
and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked.
So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.

+ Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message,
and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible .

+ Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed.
I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone.
Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.
Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

+ (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":)
Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached.
(TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE!
Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can..

+ (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered,
trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode.
You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device...
You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

+ Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn,
push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number,
push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing doesn't do anything,
but it is a good way to work off anger,
and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

+ (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message,
please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number,
please press pound, press 3, then dial your name,
then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message,
press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443,
then leave your name and message.
If you want to leave your number and the time you called,
please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

+ Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan,
gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now.
If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations,
please press 2 and hang up now.
Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

+ Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now.
Please leave your name and number after the tone.
If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt,
please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

+ (After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph.
The good news is that my power is back on.
The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

+ (Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy...
(Middle, normal:) ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home...
(Later, high pitch, fast:) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:).kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP.

+ Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG...
Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone,
leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell .

+ Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9,
the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev,
General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the
Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the
Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen
of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature
and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace
and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team.
But hey, call me Mike .

+ (US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh...
(Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm...
(Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now,
but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.

+ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now.
You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.
When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name,
number, and a message.

+ Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now
because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right....real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

+ This answering machine has been connected to a
5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing).
If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.

+ "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? --
Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven,
do you want it on screen?" (silence...beep)

+ I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and
I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.
I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and
telling me something about myself. Thanks.

+ Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

+ A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....

+ I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills.
If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork,
please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.
If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

+ Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now,
so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...unicorn...computer.
I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

+ Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak.
This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

+ This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

+ More +