|Jerry Seinfeld's Stand-up Page
Here you can find parts from Jerry's Stand-up shows,
and hear them with a Winamp player
There's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. "Shhh, shh, shh, shhh." It doesn't work because nobody knows where a shush is comming from. They just hear, "shh." "Was that a shush? I think somebody shushed me. I think I just got shushed, but I don't know where it came from." Some people you can't shush in a movie theater. They're talking and talking, everyone around them is shushing them, and they want shush. No one can shush them. They're the "unshushables."
Shush.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know ?
I wanted to do unbelieveble on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."
Washington.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear this bit from the show.
The problem with the mall garage is that everything looks the same. They try to differentiate between levels. They put up different colors, different numbers, different letters. What they need to do is name the levels like, "Your mother's a whore." You would remember that. You would go, "I know where we're parked. We're in 'Your mother's a whore'." And your friend would go, "No we're not. We're in "My father's an abusive alcoholic.'"
Garage.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear this bit from the show.
On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, on of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge ?
Aliens.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
What are lawyers really ? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box. I think probably the most fun thing a lawyer can do is say, "Objection". "Objection! Objection, Your Honor!" Objection, of course, is the adult version of " 'fraid not!" To which the judge can say two things. He can say, "Overruled", which is the adult version
of " 'fraid so". Or he can say "Sustained", which is the adult version of "Duh."
Lawyer.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
Men seem to flip around the television more than woman. Men get their remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're not watching. You know we just keep going, "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't know what it was, doesn't matter, it's not your fault, I gotta keep going." "I think that's a documentary on your father." "Don't care, what else is on?"
Women don't do this. Women will stop and go, "Well let me see what the show is, before I change the channel. Maybe we can nurture it, work with it, help it grow into something." Men don't do that. Because women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently.
Flip.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
For me, the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best time to be sick is in a relationship. If I have to get married, you know all those vows, "For richer or for poorer, for better or for worse..." .
All I need is the sickness part. That to me is the most important one. "Do you take this man in sickness?" The rest of the time go out, have a ball, do whatever you want - but if I get the sniffles, you'd better be there.
Sickness.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked at the end of it. "Well Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
Date.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
I am getting a little tired of pretending I'm excited every time it's somebody's birthday. I mean really, at this point, what is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, every person, over and over? All you did was not die for twelve months. This is the big accomplishment?
Birthday.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify "The wretched refuse?" Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving... In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."
Immagrate.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
Can someone please tell me what is the deal with B.O.? Why do we need B.O.?
Everything in nature has a function, a purpose, except B.O.
Doesn't make any sense. Do something good - hard work, exercise-smell very bad. This is the way the human being is designed.You move, you stink.
Why don't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? Be a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of of putting your laundry in the hamper, you'd put it in a vase. Go down to the drugstore. pick up some odorant and perspirant. You'd have a dirty sweatsock hanging from the rearview miror of your car. And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear coming out of your breast pocket, just to show her that she's important.
Bo.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
People love to recommend their doctor to you. I don't know what they get out of it, but they really push them on you.
"Is he good?"
"He's the best. This guy's the best." There can't be this many "bests". Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors? Is someone somewhere saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. He's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worst after you see him. The man's an absolute butcher."
And whenever a friend refers a doctor they say, "Make sure that you tell him that you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. "Oh, you know Bob?
Oh, okay I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else I'm giving Tic-Tacs."
Tictac.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
Went out to dinner the other night, check came at the end of the meal as it always does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system. Because money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat money has very little value. When you're hungry, you sit down in a restaurant, you're like the ruler of an empire. You don't care about cost. You want maximum food im minimum time. "More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly. Fried things in the shape of a stick or a ball. it will be the greatest meal of our lives." Then, after the meal, you've got the pants undone, napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. You never want to see food again as long as you live. That's when the check comes. This is why people are always mystified by the check. "What is this? How could this be?" They start passing it around the table. "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now, why are we buying all this food?"
Meal.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. What do they say? You know, they're eating... "This is good". Who is this? I like this person." I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some really solid straight through the night sleep. You'd think with any little noise they'd go "What is it?... Who's that?... Who's there?... Is somebody there?... What do you want?... You look hungry. Are you hungry?... Get out of here."
Canibal.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
Men are obsessed with cleavage, women are obsesed with shoes. It's the exact same obsession. It doesn't matter how many times we've seen these things, every time these objects are presented to us, we have to look. We cannot not look. To men, Cleavage is like the nearest thing to a UFO landing nearby, that's what it is. To women, buying a pair of shoes that they really love is like boarding the alien ship. I think it's entirely possible that aliens have landed and they haven't been able to get our attention because we're so preoccupied with cleavage and shoes.
Cle.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set and stops the all shot. Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out somewhere with people. "Boy, You look pregnent, are you?" "Cut,cut,cut, that's not going to work at all. Walk out the door, come back in, let's take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying."
Cut.mp3 - Click on the filename to hear Jerry.
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