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Angel

(written on a cold, lonely evening spontaneously... excuse the font.)

You really are one pathetic bitch. you have nothing to do for the next week or so. the start of your classes have been moved to next week. you have nothing else to do. you are in a pathetic situation, wherein you are caught idle, thinking, thinking... you sometimes catch yourself almost breaking into tears over some people you've just met this summer. sometimes, in an even worse scenario, you find yourself humming a familiar tune... sometimes, even singing with your not so beautiful voice... admit you are not musically gifted... 'spend all your time waiting... for that second chance... for a break that would make it ok...' see, you are already humming it in your mind, if by any chance, you do not have it on infinite loop in your disc player just yet... 'there's always some reason to feel not good enough... and it's hard at the end of the day... i need some distraction, oh beautiful release...' you know how painful it feels... you know the feeling quite well... every note... every word Sarah McLachlan sings in her lonely chant... it all means something to you... every note brings back the memories... every word, a person comes into your mind... the pictures flash before you like the movie Cinema Paradiso... in one painful round... everything. it's over. 'memories seep from my veins... let me be empty... and all weightless then maybe... i'd find some peace tonight...' i hope you would yourself. find peace of mind... find something else to cling on to... something else to believe in... because it's over... if you think you've had the time of your life, let it be. but it must go on... 'in the arms of an angel... fly away from here... from this dark cold hotel room... and the endlessness that you feel... you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie... you're in the arms of an angel.. may you find some comfort here...' yes, comfort... but can anything comfort you now... can anybody possibly share your grief... it's a loss you never really had... but it's the most painful one as of the moment... nothing has come close to this feeling of isolation... nobody would understand you... would anybody wish to share your grief... and cry with you as you do every night... shed the tears as you do... they can.. but they will never feel it for themselves... they may seem sad... but they will never be sad enough... they may try to look incomplete... but they will never be as incomplete as you are now... they may try... but they cannot be... it's a blind sympathy. you're broken. and they cannot pick up these pieces of you. you're hurting. and their presence cannot heal your wounds...