Well here it is,
"The Cops Pages" Humour page. I hope
you enjoy it and if you have any good stories
that hit the funny bone please contribute and I
will publish them here with credits.
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SOME
TIME HONORED TRUTHS
- Don't sweat the
petty things, and don't pet the sweaty
things.
- One tequila, two
tequila, three tequila, floor.
- One nice thing
about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.
- To be intoxicated
is to feel sophisticated but not be able
to say it.
- Never underestimate
the power of stupid people in large
groups.
- The older you get,
the better you realize you were.
- I doubt, therefore
I might be.
- Procrastination is
the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Women are like
silent men, they think they're listening.
- Men are from earth.
Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- Give a man a fish
and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.
- A fool and his
money are soon partying.
- Do pediatricians
play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
- Before they
invented drawing boards, what did they go
back to?
- Do infants enjoy
infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- If all the world is
a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If God dropped
acid, would he see people?
- If one synchronized
swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
too?
- If the #2 pencil is
the most popular, why is it still #2?
- Age is a very high
price to pay for maturity.
- If work is so
terrific, how come they have to pay you
to do it?
- If you're born
again, do you have two bellybuttons?
- If you ate pasta
and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail,
and succeed, which have you done?
- Why is it called
tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
DUMB
SUCKERS
A robber
walked into a building society (credit union) in
England and held the place up. A teller managed
to raise the alarm and the robber fled to the
door. Thinking the doors opened outwards he ran
straight into them... Wrong, they opened inwards.
The robber bounced off the doors back into the
building society dropping the loot. He then fled
empty handed. He was caught a short time later
when police recognized him from the security
videotape.
In the early eighties
security shutters at the teller positions of
banks were new to Australia. A robber walks into
the bank, goes to the teller and leans over the
counter showing the cashier the hold up demand
for money. The cashier presses the button and up
from the counter shoots the shutter. The robber
was killed instantly. The shutter broke his neck.
It must be true. Crime doesn't pay!
A would be robber
walked into a 24hr deli and purchased a packet of
cigarettes. He put a $20.00 note on the counter
and then told the store keeper hand over all the
money from the cash register. The storekeeper
refused and a scuffle ensued. The robber managed
to reach over the counter and into the cash
register. He fled with only $10.00, leaving the
original $20.00 on the counter. Not a very
successful robber!
A man walked into
a liquor store and demanded all the money from
the cash drawer. After the cashier put the money
in a bag the robber saw a bottle of scotch and
told the storekeeper to put that in the bag also.
The storekeeper refused, telling the robber he
didn't think he was old enough to obtain alcohol.
The robber then showed the storekeeper his
driving license to prove his age. We all know the
information a driving license has on it. The
storekeeper put the scotch into the bag and the
robber left. He was later arrested at home
drinking the scotch.
MAD
OR WHAT
Just
so that the USA Police don't think they have a
monopoly on crazy drivers, get a load of this. A
woman was caught in an invalid buggy (A kind of
electric four wheeled bike) driving on one of
Englands busiest motorways(freeway) with her pet
chihuahua in the shopping basket. The incident
that occurred near Birmingham on the A38(M)
brought rush hour traffic to a standstill. The
culprit, 55 year old Janet Simms laughed off the
incident saying she only took a wrong turning.
Police said astonished car and truck drivers were
forced to take evasive action to avoid hitting
her as she trundeled along at 10mph. Many of them
phoning Police from their mobile phones. Police
caught up with her and escorted Ms Simms off the
Motorway.
10
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP
- Hey, you
must have been doing 125 mph to catch up
to me.
- Sorry
Officer, I didn't realize my radar
detector wasn't plugged in.
- I thought
you had to be in good shape to be a cop?
- Hi
Officer, do you mind holding my beer
while I find my drivers license?
- You know,
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to
finish high school instead.
- Didn't I
see you get your butt kicked on COPS last
week on TV?
- I bet I
could grab that gun before you finish
writing my ticket.
- So, you on
the take or what?
- Do you
know why you pulled me over? good, at
least one of us does.
- Hey, is
that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this
.44 magnum.
EXTRACT
FROM AN ENGLISH NEWSPAPER JUNE 1999 - WHEELCHAIR
ROADHOG, 82 HELD BY COPS
The 82
year old driver of a motorised wheelchair was
nicked (arrested) after he had mowed down an old
lady in apedestrian precinct. The woman in her
early seventies was taken to hospital with a
broken ankle. The driver was later bailed. The
collision is the latest in a string ofincidents
involving the 6mph chairs in Bridlington, East
Yorkshire.
CITY OF
LONDON POLICE TRAFFIC COP
STUCK
FAST
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