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The Order of the Omniscient Guru


Brotherhood of Political Nonsense

                The Order of the Omniscient Guru is dedicated to bringing about the way of the Guru into the non-beleiver countries of the world. We have a list of demands that follows this warning.

                If it is not met, we will be forced to unleash . . . snickering. Vicious brutal snickering. We will snicker at celebrities, and politicians. We will snicker at women, children and the elderly. We will snicker at the handicapped, minorities, majorities, foreigners, natives, and immigrants. We will snicker at people, at policies, at suggestions, at solutions. We will snicker at television programming. The length and breadth of our snickering shall be immeasureable.

                With this brutal policy of snickering at everything, the self esteem of the nations of the world shall be shattered. Millions will cry. The rest will join us in our obviously superior regime, which will receive no snickering. And we shall rule.

                Therefore it is advisable for the powers that be to acknowledge this list of demands and meet it. It is as follows, in no particular order:

    List of Demands
  • Pine Cones be soaked in spring rain and sprinkled with lemon juice to be stockpiled for hurling at the PineSol Lady.
  • All Collect Calling Plan , Long Distance Plan, Wireless Service Plan, and Calling Card Plan Ads shall be made illegal and punishable by death by pine-coning, as explained above.
  • Canada shall admit it is part of the United States.
  • The United States shall admit that they have been secretly controlling the Canadian Government.
  • All questions shall be directed to The Omniscient Guru for explanation.
  • Oregon shall be kicked out of the union.
  • The French shall be required to bathe on a regular basis.
  • The British will just knock off that outrageous claim that English is their language.
  • Tyler shall be made Supreme Dictator.
  • Pants shall be referred to only as "pantaloons" or "knickers" or, at last resort, "britches".
  • Using the phrase "Da Bomb" shall be punishable by pine-coning.
  • Same for Telemarketing.
  • Corloth, the Ordained Monk of Remarkably Little Yearning, demands that upon Canada's admission to the United States, all Canadians shall be taken by force and distributed (according to Guru Cult Rank) to American homes, where they shall become indispensible. Dishwasher safe, never needs sharpening, the ultimate in household tools!
  • So-Crates, the Snickering Quasi-Rabbi of Merciless Enlightenment, demands that we solve the army's current under-enlistment problem by combining experimental scientific techniques and wholesome, sadistic family fun to clone Richard Simmons in ruthless numbers. The Simmons-Spawn can be based in Canada (a recently emptied land, thanks to the household redistribution policies of Corloth, the Ordained Monk of Remarkably little Yearning) and fed pine cones. Oh, and I demand a potato, I do so enjoy potatoes!
  • James Zirbes, the Enraged Acolyte of Commendable Personal Hygiene demands that the laws of physics be changed to specifically include that the underlying meaning and purpose of all fads and popular opinion in the universe be subject to the will of the left-handed* minority of the world. Yes, that's right. We will soon have our revenge on those silly uncomfortable desks, and can openers that don't work, and the graphite that gets smeared on the side of your hand when you write in pencil. We will laugh heartily and with great zeal as the melting pot of "pop" culture is poured and cast into the mold of the southpaw. Port-siders everywhere, EXULT, for our liberation and conquest is at hand. Oh, and I demand some of those nifty clementine oranges too. Although, potatoes are nice as well."
    *(the term "left-handed" includes members of the Cult of the Omniscient Guru because we are oh-so left-handed in our means and intentions, and because we say so.)
  • All new demands made by the Order of the Omniscient Guru shall be met with all possible haste.

                Consider yourself warned.

Have a demand of your own to make? Simply sign up with the Cult of the Omniscient Guru, then email your demand to The Order of the Omniscient Guru for review and possible publication.

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