THE P.I. DEATHWISH!


We here at P.I. aren't exactly happy campers. In fact, we burn the camp down to the ground & urinate on the smoldering ruins. And just to prove we're not prejudiced in our hatred, we compiled a list of the people who we would snicker at, should they croak tomorrow. No hard feelings to the list members, but we mock the very notion of mortality. In fact, if either of us should die tomorrow, it would be the other's duty, nay- pleasure, to show up at the wake & kick over the casket. So without further ado....

Annoying child actor Macauley Culkin!
His affront(s) toward us: Smarmy rich kid millionaire; Bailed patrents outta bankruptcy; Made stupid films.
How he should die: Mauled by palestinian freedom fighters.

Black militant actor Larry Fishburne!
His affront(s) toward us: Starred in many anti-white movies, poking fun at whitey.
How he should die: Crushed under wheel of redneck's 4x4.

Unfunny late-nite talk show host Jay Leno!
His affront(s) toward us: Lame political humor, Dorito pimp.
How he should die: Poured into concrete, chin exposed, used as speedbump at local supermarket.

Saturday morning comedian Carrot Top!
His affront(s) toward us: Huge teeth; unfunny props.
How he shoul die: Bled to death after scalping by angry mob of Pueblo indians for mocking their feathered head dress's.

Retired WWF grappler Tony Garea!
His affront(s) toward us: Unsightly man-breasts; Speaks french.
How he should die: Victim of stabbing by envious former tag-team partner, Ric Martel.

Unfunny hispanic comedian Paul Rodriguez!
His affront(s) toward us: Always bets on Chavez; knows what a "churro" is.
How he should die: Freak Macarena accident.

Son of Bruce- Brandon Lee!
His affront(s) toward us: Too dainty; Only had 1 testicle.
How he should die: Mortally wounded by prop gun while filming a movie about birds.

Character actor Nick Nolte!
His affront(s) toward us: Squinty eyes; smokes too much; never appeared in blackface at social function.
How he should die: Alcohol poisioning after drowning sorrows over Ellen's Homosexuality.

Bad singer & worse father- Eric Clapton!
His affront(s) to us: Doesn't practice window safety; responsible for death of son; shunned taco bell in favor of Spago's.
How he should die: Follow in his son's footsteps.

Mouse-faced actress Sandra Bullock!
Her affront(s) toward us: Dissed Keanu; prefers Masengill over Summer's Eve.
How she should die: Burned to death in fiery bus wreck.

Goofy lookin' actor Keanu Reeves!
His affront(s) toward us: Appeared as homosexual in "My own private Idaho", and enjoyed it; dissed sandra; his band sucks.
How he should die: Burned to death in a fiery bus wreck.

Mega-hit director Steven Spielberg!
His affront(s) toward us: Allowed "Jaws" to go to crap after 2nd installment; burned Xmas tree to ground in mocking gesture of St. Nick.
How he should die: Crushed to death by 2-ton animatronic T-rex, in upcoming "Jurassic Park" sequel.

World's richest computer nerd Bill Gates!
His affront(s) toward us: Not fluent in Polish; stuffs pillowcases with 100 dollar bills.
How he should die: Beaten to death by nation's poor.

Ex-mayor of NY & E.T. lookalike- David Dinkins!
His affront(s) toward us: Sucks at tennis, despite hours of practice; always mopping sweaty brow.
How he should die: Impaled on post of costly headboard purchased by taxpayers.

Rotund talk-show host Rikki Lake!
Her affront(s) toward us: Fat.
How she should die: Bludgeoned from behind by disgruntled talk-show host Tempest Bledsoe!

Yet another annoying talk-show host Cathy Lee!
Her affront(s) toward us: Lousy wardrobe; never gave regis an on-air handjob; hired young asians instead of old mexicans.
How she should die: Victim of drive-by shooting executed by the deadly "Tongs" of Chinatown, in protest of unfair labor practices.

Cutesy TV stars The Olsen Twins!
Their affront(s) toward us: There's 2 of them, for Christ's sake!; Snubbed Harriet The Spy.
How they should die: Drowned in a vat of multi-colored "Wacky Balls" at Discovery Zone.

Regretful horse jockey Christopher Reeve!
His affront(s) toward us: Refuses to share vast supply of WD-40; Continues to bet on ponies, despite equestrian accident; cant join us in impromptu Macarena.
How he should die: Pushed off cliff by vengeful "Mr. Ed"!

Holy woman Mother Teresa!
Her affront(s) toward us: Helped Millions; Wacky headdress. strong as a bull.
How she should die: Blown to pieces by Iranian Pants Bomber!

Wannabe rapper Marky Mark!
His affront(s) toward us: Ruined perfectly good Lou Reed song; cant rap OR act; white.
How he should die: Hacked to death by vengeful sibling Donnie Wahlberg (who went from new kid on the block to old bum on the corner.)

2-d advertising icon Mr. Clean!
His affront(s) toward us: Mocks the bald; allegedly gay; hasn't changed clothes in years, despite cleanly moniker.
How he should die: Flattened by runaway Michelin Man.

TV nebbish- "Screech" from Saved By The Bell!
His affront(s) toward us: Akin to Carrot-top; once dry-humped Sloth's leg.
How he should die: Choke to death on chicken bone at fave after school hangout, The Max.

Glorified hoopster & 3-D advertising icon- Michael Jordan!
His affront(s) toward us: "God" complex; disgraced Looney Toons character by appearing in lousy film; name on overpriced sneakers.
How he should die: Shot to death by disgruntled Knicks fan, in mid-dunk.

America's beloved wax statue Michael Jackson!
His affront(s) toward us: Resembles science experiment gone awry; has breeded; miserable pop music; snubbed Tito.
How he should die: Bludgeoned by Tito, weilding Elephant man's hipbone.

Ex-football star & current boxing tomato can- Mark Gastineau!
His affront(s) toward us: Lousy boxer; ugly wife.
How he should die: Driven to suicide by ghostly manifestation of Lyle Alzado.

Maniacal funnyman Rip Taylor!
His affront(s) toward us: Femminine.
How he should die: Whisked away & hurled into Grand Canyon by mob of angy jesters, mimes, and the entire cast of Mummenschanz.

Aged sagging hispanic maraca shaker Charo!:
Her affront(s) toward us: Went into hiding after brief stint on "Hollywood Squares"; Flaunts out-dated bellbottoms.
How she should die: "cootchie-coochies'" right off cliff, into shark-infested waters.

Has-been celebrity Cher!
Her affront(s) toward us: Snubbed Sonny; unsightly ass tattoo; reduced to pushing makeup on late-nite infomercials.
How she should die: Blugeoned to death by Sonny wielding elongated skull of Rocky Dennis.

Essentric musician Prince!
His affront(s) toward us: Insists on being called "Wacky Symbol"; femminine; deformed son's head shaped like Lucky Charms "clover" marshmallow.
How he should die: Shot to death to the beat of "Jungle Love", by crack-crazed rival Morris Day!

Romance novel coverboy & butter peddler- Fabio!
His affront(s) toward us: Blatant nipple flaunting; better hair than Jewel; Snubbed Yakoff Smirnoff.
How he should die: After career fizzles, changes name to "Flabbio" & eats his way to an early grave in front of boob tube.

Zany haired rapper Coolio!
His affront(s) toward us: Stupid name; browbeat Michelle Pfeiffer in music video; wes'side foo'.
How he should die: Trips on baggy jeans & falls off stage during concert. On way down to the floor, throws up gang signs instead of attempting to break fall, resulting in fatal concussion. Dies for his set.

Stevie Wonder sound-alike Jamaroquai!
His affront(s) toward us: Video frightens housecats; white(?); beady eyes.
How he should die: Crushed between couch & wall due to moving floor on the set of latest music video.

Corporate whore sellout- Bono!
His affront(s) toward us: Let U2's music go to shit; hairline rapidly receding; snubbed Taco Bell in favor of Kmart's food court.
How he should die: Pulverized onstage during lukewarm rendition of G-L-O-R-I-A, by falling oversized "disco ball" prop.

Repulsive whats-its-sex freak RuPaul!
It's affront(s) toward us: Dainty; frail; refused to administer swift reacharound to aging funnyman Milton Berle.
How it should die: Pummeled to death by portly pugilist Butterbean, after he misunderstood playful rear-end pinch as mocking gesture of his manhood.

Glorified club fighter Butterbean!
His affront(s) toward us: Resembles Buddah; furrowed neck; cliche "flag" trunks; murdered RuPaul.
How he should die: Internal burns causing rupture of organs, due to mistakenly ingesting blazing hot wok oil during feeding frenzy at BeniHana's!

Has-been rocker- Sting!
His affront(s) toward us: Refuses to acknowledge existance of grappler with same name; pompous peacenik; nazi war criminal.
How he should die: Set ablaze & charred in roomful of candles during impromptu rendition of "Every breath you take.

Pre-pubescent rockers- Hanson!
Their affront(s) toward us: We thought they were chicks.
How they should die: Killed in a fiery tourbus colission with pre-pubescent rockers Silverchair, during mad dash to get home before curfew.

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