"Joker's Wild" host- Wink Martindale!
His affront(s) toward us: Bad toupee; false enthusiasm; enema fetish; zany first name.
How he should die: Bad spin at russian roulette.

Family feud host- Richard Dawson!
His affront(s) toward us: Obscene mike holding; bad toupee; kissing fetish.
How he should die: Killed by ill-tempered husband over "innocent" kiss while greeting family.

Price is right host- Bob Barker!
His affront(s) toward us: Unnaturally white teeth; mean to guests.
How he should die: Crushed by out-of-control money wheel, spun by overzealous burly samoan contestant.

Gameshow host haunted by inner demons, Ray Combs!
His affront(s) toward us: Unnaturally white teeth; Dawson envy.
How he should die: Found in closet after hanging himself in mental institution.

Letter-meister Pat Sajak!
His affront(s) toward us: Obscene mike-groping; snubbed Vanna; demands to be referred to as "the Fuher" on set of Wheel Of Fortune.
How he should die: Stabbed by angry latino contestant after refusing to sell him a vowel.

Smartest idiot in the world- Alex Trebek!
His affront(s) toward us: Annoying monotone; know-it-all; sports unsightly caucasian afro; closely resembled deceased artist Bob Ross.
How he should die: Who cares? We at P.I. hereby place a bounty on his head.

Newlywed Game host- Bob Eubanks!
His affront(s) toward us: Bad toupee; unnaturally white teeth; ugly tie collection; poor hygiene.
How he should die: Asphyxiated during rough sex (ala Jennifer Levin) during 3-way tryst with newlywed contestants.

Deal maker- Monty Hall!
His affront(s) toward us: Never showed us what was behind door #3.
How he should die: Iranian pants bomber behind door #3.

Win, lose, or draw host- Burt Convy!
His affront(s)toward us: Yet another caucasian afro; can't draw for shit; resembles Tom Jones.
How he should die: Hit in head by brick wrapped in panties, thrown by disgruntled, near-sighted Tom Jones stalker.

Scrabble host- Chuck Woolery!
His affront(s) toward us: Unnaturally white teeth; flirtatious; satanic laugh.
How he should die: Cut in 2 (and 2!)

Ugly Freak of a man, Steven Tyler!
His affront(s) toward us: Unsightly lips; sings like a bitch; vast scarf collection.
How he should die: Lips run over by city bus, bleeds to death within seconds.

No-talent valleygirl- Alicia Silverstone!
Her affront(s) toward us: Clueless; uses body double for nude scenes; prone to yeast infections.
How she should die: Trampled under hoof during annual "running of the bulls", in Pamplona, Spain.

"New" Robin- Chris O'Donnell!
His affront(s) toward us: Offended Burt Ward; Closet Beatnik; Voted for Marion Barry.
How he should die: Beaten to death by Burt Ward's goon squad. "Holy Leadpipe, Batman!"

America's heartthrob, John F. Kennedy, Jr.!
His affronts toward us: Pinko dad; grossly obese uncle; cant afford a car (always on them damn rollerblades.)
How he should die: Thrown through plate glass window while trying to break up barfight between Ted Kennedy & Newt Gingrich.

Ugly-as-sin supermodel Liv Tyler!
Her affront(s) toward us: Ugly inherited lips; fragile; ripped up photo of liberace on SNL.
How she should die: Chokes to death on regurgitated porkchop during bulimic "purge".

1-dimentional actor- Mark Hamill!
His affront(s) toward us: Goofy hairstyle; date-raped Yoda puppet during fit of sexual frustration.
How he should die: Tries to stop speeding freight train, using only famed "Jedi mind trick."

"Fiery" black activist- Betty Shabazz!
Her affront(s) toward us: Failed to replace batteries in smoke detector; voted for Jesse Jackson.
How she should die: Set ablaze by evil grandson.

Creepy weight-loss specialist- Richard Simmons!
His affront(s) toward us: Caucasian afro; wears short shorts; femminine; sweats to the oldies; invented wacky card game.
How he should die: During sensitive emotional pep talk at bedside of 1000 lb. man, fatty rolls over, squashing the well-intentioned diet guru.

Rotund funnyman, Louie Anderson!
His affront(s) toward us: Annoying voice; 38DD; huge gap in teeth; alcoholic dad.
How he should die: Accidentally rolls over on diet guru, guru's bodyguard interprets this as act of aggresion & harpoons the roly-poly comedian.

Hard-ass conservative Newt Gingrich!
His affront(s) toward us: Uptight about everything; spent money he borrowed from Dole, on 2-day eating binge at White Castle; wanders midtown in a Haagen-Daaz induced daze.
How he should die: Dropped on head while bodysurfing at a Marilyn Manson concert by frail devil-worshipping teens who are unable to support his considerable girth.

Golfing sensation Tiger Woods!
His affront(s) toward us: Had a beef with a man named "Fuzzy"; sports an ugly blazer won at some stupid tournament.
How he should die: "Death on the 18th hole."

Tubby leader Bill Clinton!
His affront(s) toward us: Daughter resembles a female "Butthead"; whitewater; fails to feel OUR pain; never exhaled. Yeltsin groper; fat.
How he should die: Caught in the middle of a colission between a Clown car & the Popemobile.

Texas ranger- Chuck Norris!
His affront(s) toward us: Lost fist fight to Bruce Lee; hair transplant.
How he should die: Misses flying kick at enemy, plummets to death from top floor of Playboy mansion.

Swedish poet & porn merchant- Sheer Terror!
His affront(s) toward us: Unsightly Swastika tattoo in center of forehead; 3rd gunman on grassy knoll. wears vikng helmet to bed; keeps neighbors awake by drunken ranting at 3 am; used to be a woman.
How he should die: Smothered to death between ample cleavage of portly russian woman.

The Polka King- Negative Creep!
His affront(s) toward us: 4th gunman on grassy knoll; 5th Beatle; 1st man on the moon; refuses to divulge whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa; peddles hash to the blind; regretful drunkard.
How he should die: Struck by heavenly bolt of lightning while attempting to steal the Pope's hat during midnight mass at the Vatican.

Multi-talentless diva Whitney Houston!
Her affront(s) toward us: Nasty husband; hates whitey; never did the polka; tiny breasts.
How she should die: Bitch-slapped to death by crack-crazed hubby Bobby Brown!

Ex "Soap" star- Billy Crystal!
His affront(s) toward us: Caucasian afro; brings comic relief; city slicker; high-piched annoying voice.
How he should die: Set ablaze while lighting Menorah at local children's hospital.

Dainty pop star, David Bowie!
His affront(s) toward us: Refuses to retire; caught in bed with Mick Jagger; refuses to date whitey.
How he should die: Run over by hostile Hindu falafel vendor, while "dancing in the streets".

(C)rap producer & all-around lowlife- Sean "Puffy" Combs!
His affront(s) toward us: Acts hard when he's obviously a frail geek; buck-toothed; did not throw himself in front of Biggie.
How he should die: See Sting!

Washed-up Valley guy- Pauly Shore!
His affront(s) toward us: Unfunny; dresses like a pansy; shaves legs; hippie.
How he should die: Sentenced to death in front of Tunisian firing squad. Pop goes "the weasel".

Pope-bashin' baldy Sinead O'Connor!
Her affront(s) toward us: Has beef with the pope; her music sucks; whiner; the glare off her dome is quite distracting.
How she should die: Stabbed to death in an alleyway by a disgruntled DIO fan weilding a sharpened crucifix, in a misplaced fit of anti-christian rage.

Laverne- Penny Marshall!
Her affront(s) toward us: Snubbed Shirley; refused to participate in 3-some with Lenny & Squiggy; shlemeel.
How she should die: Thrown head-first into a huge cauldron of tomato paste by The Big Ragu!

Ebony crooner, Stevie Wonder!
His affront(s) toward us: Disturbing head movement; blind, therefore cannot read P.I. Hates You!; failed eyetest at DMV; fondled Paul McCartney under piano.
How he should die: Walks head-first into major tornado.

Opie- Ron Howard!
His affront(s) toward us: Snubbed Potzie; had a crush on The Fonz; unsightly red hair.
How he should die: Slain by Anson Williams in a drug deal gone horribly wrong.

Burger peddler & frightening pop icon- Ronald McDonald!
His affronts toward us: Never fully explained what the hell Grimace was; caucasian afro; supplier of "secret" sauce; unsightly red hair.
How he should die: Decapitated by an avid reader & head sent to Negative Creep & Sheer Terror!

Peacenik ice-cream duo- Ben & Jerry!
Their affront(s) toward us: Donates to charity; secretly run Haagen-dazs; O.G. Pimps; prefer home cookin' to Taco Bell.
How they should die: Beaten to death by Hasidic fatties over unveiling of new flavor- Hitler Crunch!

Golfing sensation- O.J. Simpson!
His affront(s) toward us: Refused to let his children participate in sensational double murder; cried poverty; Goldman envy; Refused to sign our asses at celebrity fundraiser (we settled for polaroid of us administering "titty-twister" to the fallen sports hero.)
How he should die: Set ablaze by Betty Shabazz's grandson, his charred remains further dessimated by Iranian pants bomber!

Femminine pop star, Boy George!
His affront(s) toward us: Frail; caucasian dredlocks; too damn colorful for his own good.
How he should die: Spermaholic.