Talking Head, Barbara Walters!
Her affront(s) toward us: Wont shut up; kinky; never interviewed Mussolini; frail.
How she should die: Asks Iranian Pants Bomber wrong question, during live "20/20" telecast.

Scraggly faced battle ax-Janet Reno!
Her affront(s) toward us: Caucasian afro; Flintstone-like teeth; torched innocent people at Waco; commie.
How she should die: During press conference on firearms, fields question from Sinister Torch!

Ernest- Jim Varney!
His affront(s) toward us: Hick; soda pimp; tortured Vern; lousy movies; pesky.
How he should die: "Hey Vern, whatcha doin with that sawed-off?" "Ernest goes to the morgue".

Lousy Ska band- 311!
Their affront(s) toward us: They're not down, down; buncha sissies; music sucks; every song sounds the same.
How they should die: Shanked by The Beastie Boys for "biting their shiznit".

Chicken man- Don Knotts!
His affront(s) toward us: Frail; too many damned colors; bug eyed.
How he should die: Killed by Larry over rent dispute.

Rotund songbirds- The Judds!
Their affront(s) toward us: Brief stint in WWF as ladies tag team; snubbed Finster; fake melons.
How they should die: New career: Crash test dummies.

Plastic man- Wayne Newton!
His affront(s) toward us: Pinto-like mustache; hair helmet; does not know entire 9 times table.
How he should die: After last face lift, skin was pulled too far back, dies of shock.

Has-been soul sensation- Lionel Richie!
His affront(s) toward us: Giraffe neck; unsightly afro; once, twice, three times a loser.
How he should die: Neck too long.... ceiling fan too low.

J.R- Larry Hagman!
His affront(s) toward us: Shit-eatin' grin; failed to use Jeannie to full potential; failed drug test.
How he should die: T.B.

Fashion Whiz- Versace!
Hisafront(s) toward us: Never came out with line of stylish clothing for drunken psychos; gaudy; alien-like tan; abnormally white teeth.
How he should die: Shot dead by sperm-addicted serial killer.

Disco ditz- Mariah Carey!
Her affront(s) toward us: Her music sucks; high pitched; snooty; married for money.
How she should die: Run over by hippie van driven by chick from Deee-lite!

Breast-Jiggler- Pamela Anderson!
Her affront(s) toward us: Cut out our 10 minutes from infamous home-made porno; raises teen libido; married gangly freak.
How she should die: Implants explode from heat in tanning booth, blowing huge hole thru chest cavity.

Big mouth- Mort Downey, Jr.!
His affront(s) toward us: Reeks of nicotine; right-wing extremist; huge teeth; ugly as sin.
How he should die: Snaps spine in freak limbo accident.

Overblown lizard- Godzilla!
His affront(s) toward us: Foreign; bad complexion; clumsy; rubber grappler.
How he should die: Shares needle with Dagoberto!

The Original Televangelist- Father Guido Sarducci!
His affront(s) toward us: Actually Jewish; talks funny; Tops Eucharist with cheez-whiz.
How he should die: Smokes himself to death with Sinister Torch!

Militant loudmouths- The Wu-Tang Clan!
Their affront(s) toward us: Hates whitey; Wu-Wear; too many to keep track of; weak rhymes.
How they should die: Killed by O.G. rappers The Sugar Hill Gang over rights to rock the mic.

Big-breasted latina air-head, Carmen Electra!
Her affront(s) toward us: Fake; unfunny; stole name from 50's burlesque queen; femminine itch.
How she should die: Smashed to death during freak wrecking ball accident.

Alien bait- Sigourney Weaver!
Her affront(s) toward us: Movies suck; caucasian afro; snobby.
How she should die: Trampled by aliens running across the border.

Tennis flake- Andre Agassi!
His affront(s) toward us: Mocks the bald; even though he has the cash to buy razors- he refuses to shave; dates chick named Brooke.
How he should die: During victory leap over net, snags foot & breaks his neck. The crowd goes wild!

Eraser head- Don King!
His affront(s) toward us: Continously matches up his fighters against tomato cans; stomped man to death; won't shut up; victim of static electricity.
How he should die: Bleeds to death after having ears bitten off by an enraged Mike Tyson.

Portly rapper / actor- Ice Cube!
His affront(s) toward us: Hates whitey, named after frozen liquid; really hates whitey; hopes whitey croaks.
How he should die: Killed by O.G. rappers Africa Bambatta over rights to rock the mic.

Yellow pitching sensation- Hideki Irabu!
His affront(s) toward us: Lousy curve ball; tubby; chokes under pressure.
How he should die: Whisked away & never to be seen again, by the infamous Fan Man! Presumed dead.

Gap toothed funny man- David Letterman!
His affront(s) toward us: Caucasian afro; unusual relationship with Paul Schaffer; Leno envy.
How he should die: Driven to on-air suicide by ghostly manifestations of Ed Sullivan.

Fat character actor- Ernest Borgnine!
His affront(s) toward us: Resembles elderly Italian woman; Asner envy; Bowlegged; A.K.A. Marty!
How he should die: Catapulted from giant medieval shotput during celebrity rennisance festival in Catskills, NY.

Redneck comic- Jeff Foxworthy!
His affront(s) toward us: 1-Joke wonder; rednecks are generally more pitiful than humorous; pink; resembles Howard Hesseman.
How he should die: Run down by out-of-control wheat tiller during guided tour of Jeb's Amish farm, Lancaster, PA.

"Bad Boy" Sean Pann!
His affront(s) toward us: Camera shy; lame schmuck acting; fat brother.
How he should die: Temporarily blinded by Papparazzi's flashbulbs, walks backward into open manhole. Eaten by sewer gator.

Real estate shlepp- Donald Trump!
His affront(s) toward us: Bad toupee; wont send beer money to our P.O. box; marries bimbos.
How he should die: During ribbon-cutting ceremony at unveiling of new "Trump Slum", structure collapses on him, due to shoddy building materials and cheap peruvian labor.

Blues blunder- James Belushi!
His affront(s) toward us: Fat; not fit to hold dead bro's jock; fat.
How he should die: Shares needle with Dagoberto! (His brother would have been proud)

Deep-sea diver & Pogo king- Finster!
His affront(s) toward us: Torrid affair w/The Judds; baddest white man alive; wont share bimbos; keeps us awake at night by constant tap-tap-tap of Pogo stick.
How he should die: Loving embrace with the Iranian Pants Bomber!

Karate failure- Ralph Macchio!
His affront(s) toward us: Forever prepubescent; testosterone= 0; caucasian afro.
How he should die: Mortally wounded during Ultimate Fighting Tournament by "The Beast" Dan Severn.

Brady maid- Anne B. Davis!
Her affront(s) toward us: Caucasian afro; too damned perky; made shitty meatloaf; snubbed Sam.
How she should die: Mortally wounded during Ultimate Fighting Tournament by "The Jefferson's O.G. Maid Mofo" Florence.

Dull meister- Dick Cavett!
His affront(s) toward us: Bores us to tears; dull as a brick; bad toupee; likes 'em young, too young.
How he should die: Bores himself to death.

Portly white headed casino mogul- Merv Griffin!
His affront(s) toward us: Had us kicked out of casino for card counting; that nasty Denny Terio incident; fat.
How he should die: Chokes on penis during horizontal Mambo.

Kiddie star has been- Rick Schroder!
His affront(s) toward us: Resembles Zack from "Saved By The Bell"; silver spoon; sucks at LaCross.
How he should die: Victim of mythical figure- The Bogeyman.

Latino hippie- Lorenzo Lamas!
His affront(s) toward us: Pretends to be a renegade; refused to sign Pinto's chest at celebrity fund raiser; sissy.
How he should die: Stabbed through heart by disgruntled pen weilding Pinto.

Balding detective- Stacy Keach!
His affront(s) toward us: Haunted Cheech & Chong; de-tox posterboy; tiny hammer.
How he should die: Freak paint ball accident.

Chesty chocolate mamma- Jackee!
Her affront(s) toward us: Are those real?; voice can shatter glass; lousy wig.
How she should die: Ruptures breast, flies away like a balloon, ends up impaled on nearest flag pole.

Coal miner's beatrag- Loretta Lynn!
Her affront(s) toward us: Lousy wig; Wu-Tang envy; dead pal named Twitty.
How she should die: Choked with piano string from behind by LSD crazed rockerJerry Lee Lewis!

Any-character actor Joe Mantegna!
His affront(s) toward us: Too damn greasy; drinks milk straight from carton; threatens way into movie roles.
How he should die: Bad acting becomes federal offense punisheble by death.

Embarassed Englishman- Hugh Grant!
His affront(s) toward us: Unsightly mugshot; Divine; publicly denounced for having small genitals.
How he should die: Contracts AIDS from LA street hooker.

Mary Poppins- Julie Andrews!
Her affront(s) towards us: Small breasts; travels by umbrella; whiner.
How she should die: Falls through NYC street grating, lands in front of oncoming "D" train.

Moron- Steve Guttenberg!
His affront(s) toward us: Failed Keystone cop; caucasian afro; failed litmus test.
How he should die: Slain by KGB goons for 'knowing too much'.

Manic-depressive soft drink pimp- Richard Lewis!
His affront(s) toward us: Dennis Miller envy; chronic complainer; needs a haircut.
How he should die: During bout of depression, reluctantly shares needle with Dagoberto!

Peacenik- Ed Begly Jr.!
His affront(s) toward us: Wants to save earth; tall; scrawny; hates us.
How he should die: Eaten by Orca during Green Peace expedition to save arctic wildlife.

Syrup Mama- Mrs. Butterworth! Her affront(s) toward us: Thick & sweet; Torrid affair with Uncle Ben; brown; started ERA movement.
How she should die: Iranian pants bomber