Cutesy belly flaunter- Demi Moore!
Her affront(s) toward us: Shaved head; voice grates on nerves; refused to let us ice down nipples on set of "Striptease".
How she should die: Cut down by actor-turned-stalker Burt Reynolds!

Vice idiot, Al Gore!
His affront(s) toward us: Vice president of stupid country; bad toupee; Quayle envy; poor tipper.
How he should die: Thrown head-first into wood chipper by near sighted lumberjack.

Rotund commie pinko- Gorbachev!
His affont(s) toward us: Unsightly shit stain on head; sports American flag condoms on his hammer & sickle; fails to find humor in "Beavis & Butthead."
How he should die: Thrown in front of ABBA tour bus by a drunken Uncle Sam.

Down-on-his-luck candidate- Jesse Jackson!
His affront(s) toward us: Resembles John Shaft; bulging eyes; gave the pope the black power hand salute.
How he should die: Driven to suicide by ghostly manifestations of Martin Luther King.

Know it all- L. Ron Hubbard!
His affront(s) toward us: "Dianetics" just a hoax; writings have spawned legions of freaks; supplied the voice of Walter Lantz's "Wally Gator."
How he should die: Slain by Maynard.

Pedophile, Woody Allen!
His affront(s) toward us: Digs underaged Asians; took the money & ran; spectacles; femminine.
How he should die: Sliced to pieces by the Yakuza for race mixing.

Knife fighter, Paul Hogan!
His affront(s) toward us: Impatiently ate shrimp off barbie originally intended for child porn princess Traci Lords; Australian.
How he should die: Devoured by a rampaging herd of Wildebeasts & two mack daddy Koalas.

Black activist, Martin Lawrence!
His affront(s) toward us: He's so crazy; big ears; Sucker M.C./Weak rhymes; hates whitey.
How he should die: Contracts Ebola & bleeds out in front of audience during stand-up routine.

Fallen electronics king- Crazy Eddie!
His affront(s) toward us: Loud; Christmas in July sale; insane; gesticular; designated cum sipper of Cell block- C.
How he should die: Trampled to death by Michael Slatley, "The Lord of the Dance!"

"Baywatch" hunk- David Hasselhoff!
His affront(s) toward us: Shitty car; caucasian afro; tiny pecs; cracker.
How he should die: Breaks neck in tragic (!) fall off of life guard chair.

Big-nosed TV actor- Alan Alda!
His affront(s) toward us: Big nose; Mamas boy; refused to participate in local celebrity clamshuck.
How he should die: Crushed to death by falling safe. (M*A*S*H*ed)

Grunting lumox, Tim Allen!
His affront(s) toward us: Unfunny; bland humor; uses oil of olay; buck-toothed.
How he should die: Hit & dragged 30 blocks by nut driving "Snap-Tite" tool truck.

Not-so-young gun- Lou Diamond Phillips!
His affront(s) toward us: La Bamba; 1-dimentional actor; bet on Tyson; celibate.
How he should die: Cursed by gypsy, wastes away to nothing.

Gringo with scarred chin- Harrison Ford!
His affront(s) toward us: Tiny scar on chin; still wears fur, despite friendship with wookie; pissed pants in trash compactor scene in "Star Wars".
How he should die: Crushed to death in piss-tainted trash compactor.

Jeans peddler, Brooke Shields!
Her affront(s) toward us: Lesbian relationship with that "Madame" puppet; grease; tennis groupie; owns stock in K-tel.
How she should die: Pummelled with high-speed balls during U.S. open warmups by motorized tennis ball server.

Dunce-Mary Tyler Moore!
Her affront(s) toward us: Plastic; Mary Tyler Moore; never succumbed to Ed Asner's charms.
How she should die: Impaled by Seattle's space needle, after plunge from helicopter.

Mop headed whiner- Julia Louis Dreyfuss!
Her affront(s) toward us: Pale; overpaid (not worth more than a nickle an episode); gaseous; short lived tryst wth Zero Mostel.
How she should die: Falls victim to rampaging punching kangaroo.

Rotund cooking sexpot, Julia Child!
Her affront(s) toward us: Fat; can't cook for shit; bizarre voice; weilds razor sharp Ginsu™ cooking knives in a threatening manner.
How she should die: Simply Salmonella.

Talk show windbag, Regis Philbin!
His affront(s) toward us: Off-center toupee; heart attack unable to silence him; scouted Asians for Kathie Lee's sweatshop.
How he should die: Has fatal heart attack while molesting life sized ebony latex playmate.

Masculine Dalmation herder, Glenn Close!
Her affront(s) toward us: "Sunset Blvd"; known rabbit killer; cold feet in bed; resembles Popeye.
How she should die: Cellular phone bomb.

Washed up tough guy- Don Johnson!
His affront(s) toward us: Prefers Merit over Marlboro; constantly reffered to Tubbs as "boy"; hermaphrodite.
How he should die: Ingested by a giant clam while snorkeling in the Florida keys.

Yuppie horror meister-Stephen King!
His affront(s) toward us: Annoying cameos; founder of N.R.A.; not frightening; nerd.
How he should die: Bludgeoned to death by "original horror meister"-Edgar Allen Poe weilding a copy of King's 700+ page shitrag "The Tommyknockers".

"The Fonz"-Henry Winkler!
His affront(s) toward us: Strange eyebrows; performed deadly "Milk-Can Escape Trick"; propositioned Ralph Malph while drunken and desperate.
How he should die: Victim of deadly Milachi™ crunch.

Naughty attention seeker-Drew Barrymore!
Her affront(s) toward us: Flashed Letterman, and flipped us the finger; prefers "Operation" to "Twister"; goofy.
How she should die: Shot to death by Vatican thugs after flashing The Pope.

Elderly exhibitionist- Farrah Fawcett!
Her affront(s) toward us: Huge teeth; famous "tanktop" poster still haunts us from childhood days; caucasian afro.
How she should die: Falls asleep on tanning bed, reduced to a smoldering pile of burning embers.

Obnoxious comic- Gilbert Godfried!
His affront(s) toward us: Squinty; loud; short; Nicaraguan.
How he should die: Unable to be revived after being placed in "sleeper" hold by portly grappler Greg "The Hammer" Valentine!

Aging 80's crooner, Rod Stewart!
His affront(s) toward us: That nasty rumor; thinks he's sexy; related to Sting; Still parades around in bellbottoms.
How he should die: Pulverized by falling 60' cutout of The Village People.

Creepy pop star- Tom Petty!
His affront(s) toward us: Bleach-white skin; father of Iggy Pop; frail; favorite color = Mauve.
How he should die: "Freefalls" from the top of the Empire State Building, lands on Iranian Pants Bomber!

"Shining" star- Jack Nicholson!
His affront(s) toward us; Pointy head; raspy voice; prefers lox to cream cheese; too cheap to have paper delivered.
How he should die: Killed in tragic Zeppelin accident. (Oh, The Humanity!)

Magnum, Tom Selleck!
His affront(s) toward us; Feigns affiliation with P.I.; cheezy mustache; plays cricket; never felt the touch of a woman.
How he should die: Loses bullfight.

Finger-pointing pinko hot dog peddler- Uncle Sam!
His affront(s) toward us: Encourages patriotism; wants YOU!; wears Captain America underoos; resembles Father Time.
How he should die: Succumbs to numerous purple-nurples administered by Iraqi madman, Saddam Hussein!

Sickly Army entertainer, Bob Hope!
His affront(s) toward us: Cavorts with military; liver spots; baggy jowls.
How he should die: Dropped off at Bosnian base to perform comedy routine by Army pranksters, shot dead by grim faced enemy.

Pathetic has-been- Andrew "Dice" Clay!
His affront(s) toward us: Thinks he's Italian; has yet to die from lung cancer; impotent; hair greasier than Pee Wee's palm.
How he should die: Suffers massive stroke during five day marathon of trading arm punches with Sylvester Stallone.

Overblown Asian stuntman- Jackie Chan!
His affront(s) toward us: Mexican hair; tinted; Bruce envy; antagonist.
How he should die: Skewered by bayonet weilding Vietnam vet during hash induced flashback.

Tootsie- Dustin Hoffman!
His affront(s) toward us: Giant nose; crossdresses; sweaty; slight resemblance to Jamie Farr.
How he should die: Carbon monoxide (the silent killer).

Fat chick- Kathy Bates!
Her affront(s) toward us: Rotund / considerable girth; tempermental; used words "cocka-doody" in a sentence.
How she should die: Esophagus shredded by Pygmy toe nail shavings placed in Tapioca by a deranged Martha Stewart.

Aging bandit- Burt Reynolds!
His affront(s) toward us: Bad toupee; closet sperm taster; just not sexy anymore.
How he should die: Slips on a banana peel, lands on a rollerskate, rolls onto an oilslick, jettisoned into traffic on The Audobahn.

Vacationing dweeb- Chevy Chase!
His affront(s) toward us: Unfunny; invisible at times; tiny genitalia; sports nasty comb-over.
How he should die: Drained by forgetful doctors while giving blood.

Ebony Jell-O™ peddler- Bill Cosby!
His affront(s) toward us: Holier than thou attitude; refuses to liberate Buckwheat; jigglers.
How he should die: Shot in head while changing flat tire by father of teenaged Russian assassin.

Geriatric grappler- Hulk Hogan!
His affront(s) toward us: Disturbing neck vein; "Hulkamania" simply a smokescreen for drug abuse; his tan sucks; says prayers, eats vitamins.
How he should die: Ambushed by former inter-continental champion Pedro Morales, exacting revenge for ruining his wedding with the ol' "lampshade-on-head" gag.

Lame "satanist" rocker- Alice Cooper!
His affront(s) toward us: Shock value = 0; pale; stamp collector. Marilyn envy.
How he should die: Reduced to cinders in pyrotechnic disaster, rigged by non-union electricians.

Jeweled hypochondriac- Liz Taylor!
Slut; befriended wax mannequin; fat; skinhead.
How she should die: Killed by tiny terrorist. (Dorf goes apeshit!)

Talentless character actor- Eric Stolz!
His affront(s) toward us: Bad breath; freckles on whites of eyes; subscribes to Boy's Life magazine.
How he should die: Bails out of burning hot air baloon; falls into mouth of Mount St. Helen.

Birdman- Frank Perdue!
His affront(s) toward us: Chicken choker; ground chicken contains 3% human; resembles former NY mayor, Ed Koch; Slept with the Snapple lady.
How he should die: Chickens of world unite, form poultry militia. Pecked to death at dawn.

Boring yuppie- Mathew Broderick!
is affront(s) toward us: No good; his shtick never quite caught on; hired Nell Carter as wet nurse; short.
How he should die: Loses Medieval Times™ tournament to Iranian Pants Bomber.

Stretchy imp- Gumby!
His affront(s) toward us; Framed Nixon in Watergate scandal; Clay sibling named "Minga"; had tryst with Sally from "Davey and Goliath"; member of Bonanno crime family.
How he should die: Shot out of cannon into Janet Reno's anal cavity. Overcome by fumes.