Has been Grunge princess turned movie star- Courtney Love!
Her affront(s) toward us: Skanky; drove Kurt Cobain to suicide with constant nagging; skanky; tough love; skanky.
How she should die: Shared needle with Dagoberto. (see poetry section)

Coked up baseball flunky- Darryl Strawberry!
His affront(s) toward us: Mocks the bald; torrid affair with bat boy; tries snorting team mates pin stripes during seventh inning stretch.
How he should die: Also shares needle with Dagoberto. (see above)

Satanist ass puppet- Marilyn Manson!
His affont(s) toward us: Shock value = 0; spooky eye = contact; greasy hair = spooge™ shower.
How he should die: Force fed Eucharist to the point of suffocation by angry gang of gospel singers. Body of Christ, amen!!!

Notorious bovine slayer- Dave Thomas!
His affront(s) toward us: Resembles Larry "Bud" Melman; millionaire schlep pretending to be average joe; exploits child labor; ugly daughter.
How he should die: Slips on tomato, falls face first into deep fryer while filming commercial.

Mumbling prick- Sylvester Stallone!
His affront(s) toward us: Crazed psychic mother; brother cant sing for shit; exists in claymation form.
How he should die: Gets the chair for murdering pop icon Andrew "Dice" Clay.

Heathen horn blower- Kenny G!
His affront(s) toward us: Sax; caucasian afro; fooled teens into believing "he was down" by choosing streetwise moniker; son of diet guru Richard Simmons.
How he should die: Inhales too deep, chokes to death on his sax reed.

Rotund, grinning yellow boy- Sinbad!
His affront(s) toward us: Resembles rapper Heavy-D; rigged Star Search™ audition; gender bender; odd colored skin.
How he should die: Stabbed through juggular by knife thrower during stunt gone awry.

Wacky knapped rapper- Flava Flav!
His affront(s) toward us: Didn't believe the hype; smokes too much crack; too cheap to throw in cash for late night Taco Bell™ run; couldnt do nothin for us man.
How he should die: Pirranah attack during solo tour of The Motherland.

Award loser- Susan Lucci!
Her affront(s) toward us: Small breasts; Jeep peddler; ill-fated fling with Eric Estrada.
How she should die: Goes into cardiac arrest after finally winning Emmy in year 2001.

Aussie Highlander- Mel Gibson!
His affront(s) toward us: Testy; dyslexic; not-so-Lethal Weapon; geek.
How he should die: Fails attempt to catch bullet between teeth.

Maid- Tony Danza!
His affront(s) toward us: Cant box, Cant act, doesn't deserve to live.
How he should die: Unwittingly hails cab driven by moonlighting Iranian Pants Bomber!

RocketWoman- Elton John!
His affront(s) toward us: Paisley tutu fetish; music sucks; perpetual "bad hair day"; frail.
How he should die: Drawn & quartered by Benny & The Jets!

Wannabe P.I. member- Bill Maher!
His affront(s) toward us: Unfunny; yuppie; Politically Lame (try sayin the things we do & see how fast your show gets cancelled.)
How he should die: Hung from ceiling & used as human punching bag by the "Aging Bull"- Jake La Motta!

Clinton sampler- Jennifer Flowers!
Her affront(s) toward us: Actually let Bubba near her bush; refused to stroke our pet monkey Philo; Prude.
How she should die: "Silenced" by FBI goons.

Ape- Cornelius!
His affront(s) toward us: Half ape- Half man; sounds like Roddy Mc Dowell; Snubbed Zera; Kong envy. Gave finger to Dr. Zaos!
How he should die: Fatal kick to the ding-ding.

Raisin like comedian, Chris Rock!
His affront(s) toward us: Higher pitched voice than Tiny Tim; lousy fade; 1-800-collect™; Former member of The Black Panthers.
How he should die: Falls into vat of white paint, shot by homies.

Talkative snicker boy- Keenen Ivory Wayans!
His affront(s) toward us: Shaft envy; intense sibling rivalry; Steven Segal's personal ass puppet.
How he should die: Blown through bass speaker during stirring rendition of "Rock The Bells" at an L.L. Cool J concert.

Country bumpkin- Garth Brooks!
His affront(s) toward us: Vast assortment of unsightly belt buckles; resembles Indiana Jones; $50 a day Almond Joy™ habit.
How he should die: Practical joker, Lyle Lovett replaces beloved bag of Chaw™ with shards of fiber glass. Shredded layrinx.

Puffy haired Jersey creep- Jon Bon Jovi!
His affront(s) toward us: Moron; best friend named Tico; music sucks; closet ballerina.
How he should die: Struck down by The Lord, no longer living on a prayer.

Fussy busy body, Martha Stewart!
Her affront(s) toward us: Kitchen tyrant; food Nazi; egg beater; shitty book.
How she should die: Beaten to death by angry Muslim body gaurds, after recklessly trying to serve pork chops to Elijah Muhammed.

Zany haired porker- Whoopi Goldberg!
Her affront(s) toward us: Those "things" on her head; brings comic relief; named after sex act; luke warm lesbian scene with Demi Moore.
How she should die: Dredlocks snagged in escalator while bending over to pick up a dime. Not a pretty sight.

Fat man- Chris Farley!
His affront(s) toward us: Fat guy, lil' coat; unfunny; used fish as a weapon; couldn't hold John Candy's jock; posed for the Biggies Stomach™ segment.
How he should die: Falls from trapeze while filming C.B.S.'s annual Circus of the Stars, drops through safety net, crashes through the Earth, breaks the seismic plates, ends up embedded & toasting at the Earths core. 5.1 on The Richter Scale™.

Refurbished has been- John Travolta!
His affront(s) toward us: High school flunky; staying alive; zany pig blood trick.
How he should die: Slips on ice patch while doing his trademark strut down Brooklyn street.

No "friend" of ours, Courteney Cox!
Her afront(s) toward us: Smarmy yuppie; intense femmine itch; disco dances; purse made of hemp.
How she should die: Eaten by pack of rabid jackalls after breaking formation of jungle expediation to find a cappuccino stand.

Bug-eyed comic- Rodney Dangerfield!
His afront(s) towards us: Can't take a joke; inferiority complex; respects nobody - yet demands it; lousy dresser.
How he should die: Victim of mob hit after offending jealous Don by pinching Goombata's ass.

Bitch- Leona Helmsley!
Her affront(s) towards us: Sour faced bitch; snooty bitch; pompous bitch; rich bitch.
How she should die: Made an example of by nations working class. Beaten to death with work boot.

Militan Dry cleaner- Sherman Hemsley!
His affront(s) towards us: No relation to Leona; moving on up; received undeserved piece of pie; affair with Florence.
How he should die: Forced into washer by venegful Tom Willis. Death by spin cycle.

Martial Arts failure, Don The Dragon Wilson!
His affront(s) toward us: Can't fight; mexican hair; nunchaku fondler; prefers Disney over Hanna Barbera.
How he should die: Spontaneous Human Combustion. (victim of Sinister Torch!)

Sissy Boy- Oscar DeLahoya!
His affront(s) towards us: Lost to Pinto as amateur; oversized head frightens young fans; rocky romance with referee Mills Lane .
How he should die: Loses split-pants decision to Iranian Pants Bomber!

Crack crazed confectionist- Willy Wonka!
His affront(s) towards us: Caucasian afro; candy sucked; pedophile; zany hat; resembles Gene Wilder .
How he should die: Oompa-loompas take to arms and teach candy-ass a lesson.

"Weezy"- Isabelle Sanford!
Her affront(s) toward us: Rotund; never flashed more-than-ample breasts for profit; closet dominatrix.
How she should die: Migraine + tainted Tylenol™ = Permanent headache relief.

Yellow page pimp- James Earl Jones!
His affront(s) toward us: Unlicensed gynecology; voice frightens children; lost sword fight to Conan.
How he should die: Swallowed whole by giant Anaconda. Crapped out as steaming pellets of snake shit.

"Pee Wee"- Paul Reubens!
His affront(s) toward us: Sticky fingers; meca leca hi, meca hiney ho!; has had numerous sexual encounters with claymation fruit from giant refrigerator.
How he should die: During late night showing of porn masterpiece "My Testicle, Your Gumdrop", overzealously tears off penis. Bleeds to death before paramedics can reach him.

The rotund rose- Bette Midler!
Her affont(s) toward us: Highway cleaner; wind beneath my wings; gaseous; appeared as cartoon on the Simpsons.
How she should die: While cleaning road, hit & dragged 7 miles under axle of narcoleptic truckers' rig.

The 90's answer to Ernest Borgnine- Tommy Lee Jones!
His affront(s) toward us: Pock marked; didn't die in volcano; appears odiferous.
How he should die: Failed to heed urgent warning of "Watch out! Last step's a doozy!"

Mumbling fat man- Marlon Brando!
His affront(s) toward us: Bulbous; too many family problems; spawned island of mutants; cheap.
How he should die: Shot to death by father of Dag Drollet!.

Malcolm eXcrement- Denzel Washington!
His affront(s) toward us: Lousy actor; feigns hatred of Whitey to appear "down"; clammy hands.
How he should die: Chance meeting with Sinister Torch!.

Bug eyed actor- Jeff Goldblum!
His affront(s) toward us: Lanky; perpetually smarmy smirk; gesticular, annoying monotone.
How he should die: Falls victim to fabled "Chaos Theory".

Failed techno nerds- The Prodigy!
Their affront(s) toward us: Shock value= 0; terminally bad hair day; despite promises, has never taken us to "Funky Town".
How they should die: Cuban neckties, courtesy of demonic barber- Sweeny Todd!.

Boring news icon- Dan Rather!
His affront(s) toward us: Dull; failed to divulge Kenneth's frequency; naked from the waist down during broadcasts.
How he should die: Blows brains out ala Bud Dwyer during live telecast of "The CBS Evening News".

Kingpin- Woody Harrelson!
His affront(s) toward us: Coach envy; his dad capped some foo's; named after erection.
How he should die: Run over by "Hell On Wheels" Larry Flynt over lame portrayal of the smut meisters' life.

Dot head- Gwen Stefani!
Her affront(s) toward us: Habitual belly flaunter; tease; just a girl; Madonna envy; no doubt she's annoying.
How she should die: Iranian Pants Bomber™ in mosh pit!

No talent fatboy- Tom Arnold!
His affront(s) toward us: Chunky; fat; chubby; obese; rotund.
How he should die: After finally realizing he's a no-talent hack, takes razor blade to wrists in order to spare the public from more of his bad flicks.

Grilled comic- Richard Pryor!
His affront(s) toward us: Frail; responsible for "Def Comedy Jam"; favored free-basing over snorting.
How he should die: Shared crack pipe with Dagoberto.

Generation X role models- Beavis & Butthead!
Their affront(s) toward us: Novelty wore off three seasons ago; made fire a dirty word; spawned thousands of idiotic teens that just couldn't get that trademarked laugh™ down pat.
How they should die: Bashed to death by club wielding heroin addict, Captain Caveman.