Fun Terms
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Fun Terms

Real World Transportation Terms

Last Modified: October 21, 1999

* New or modified since last update.

Definitions of various traffic/transit terms (as observed by the way people talk about them or behave).

Acceleration (v.) - The act of increasing the speed of your car. You can determine your proper acceleration rate by the amount of noise and rubber laid down on the road, the more noise the better the acceleration rate.

Acceleration Lane (n.) - A lane of traffic that users must stop at the end of before merging with other traffic on the road.

Accelerator Pedal (n.) - A pedal on the floor of a car with two basic positions: a) All the way up, used when car is not in motion. b) All the way down, used when car is in motion, or when you want to show everyone how loud the engine in your car is.

Accident (n.) - 1) A special form of entertainment that happens on the road to give people something to slow down and look at while driving. 2) Always the other guys fault.

ADA (abbr..) - The Americans with Disabilities Act; 1) An unfunded government handout for people who make wheelchair lifts. 2) An excuse for government bureaucrats to change peoples plans. 3) An excuse used by public transit systems to explain cuts in service. 4) {GA} A method for public transit systems to justify the purchase of new bus stop signs that still can't be seen at 100 yards.  5)  An excuse used by many transit systems for not buying new buses or LRVs.

Air Bag (n.) - 1) A device that is designed to hurt you when it goes off during a front end impact. It normally causes black eyes and bruised faces. 2) A diabolical contraption that was forced on the auto industry by the government just to force the price of cars up.

Air Pollution (n.) - 1) That dirty stuff in the air caused by industry, power plants, trucks, etc. But never by cars. 2) {GA} Dirty stuff in the air attributed to mowers and BBQs.

Ash Tray (n.) - 1) A device mounted in a car that is used to hold cigarette butts until it can be dumped while waiting at a red light or stop sign. 2) A tray mounted in a car that is useful for holding change.

Automobile (n.) - 1) A device for transporting people that is also used as a make-up room, phone booth, reading room while in motion. 2) The sole reason the universe exists. 3) A device, the use of which, that increases the users sex appeal, intelligence, and proves their worth as a person. 4) A mobile room for making out. 5) A way of showing how far in debt you are. 5) {GA} A justification for the existence of Gas Stations, Body Shops, Engine Repair Facilities, and Smog Control Certificate Stations. 6) A form of transportation needed in order to use Drive through Lanes at fast food joints. 7) A mobile platform for stating ones political views. 8) The best form of transportation ever devised, especially when you keep everyone else who owns one off the road. 9) Something to other guy owns that keeps getting in my way when I am exercising my right to drive my car.  10) A mobile phone booth.

Automobile Insurance (n.) - 1) Something the other guy better have in an accident. I don't need to have it since it is never my fault. Insurance rates only come in one form, too high. 2) {GA} An item forced on drivers in order to drive on the roads. 3) Something the state requires you have once a year just to make money for some heartless company.

Bench (n.) - 1) A structure placed at a bus stop that only one person can sit on. 2) {GA} Temporary shelter for the homeless. 3) {GA} A free source of firewood.

Bicycle (n.) - 1) A more mobile form of pedestrian. When found in packs they become mobile traffic hazards. 2) People powered vehicles found in packs on the roads, especially in Palo Alto. 3) A vehicle that should be made immune to all traffic laws because after all the riders of such are never wrong in any accidents and never get in the way of anybody.

Bicycle Lane (n.) - 1) An extra lane put on the roadway so that cars can have more room to park on the street. 2) A lane created so the people riding bicycles can ride 4-5 abreast and still only block one lane of traffic. 3) {GA} A place for buses to stop in Palo Alto. 4) A lane added to a road that serves to purpose but to eliminate room for my car.

Bike Rack (n.) - 1) A device mounted on a bus to slow it down and cost the driver layover time. After all everyone knows that it is faster and safer to carry the bike on board and take up multiple seats while hitting your fellow passengers in the shins with your bike. 2) A neat way of tricking the passengers into leaving their bikes on the bus.

Brake Lights (n.) - Lights on the rear of a car that come on when the brake pedal is depressed.

Brake Pedal (n.) - Place to rest left foot while driving, when used in this manner, make sure you depress the pedal enough to activate the brake lights.

Braking (v.) - The act of making it look like you tried to avoid an accident in order to make enough noise so that the other guy gets out of your way.

Bridge Toll (n.) - 1) An unfair form of taxation that gets levied because the road can't cross water without a bridge. Bridge tolls should only be used for maintenance of the bridge, never for reducing the amount of traffic crossing the bridge. 2) A method of collecting funds to justify the administration of the bridges, such as Golden Gate Bridge District and CalTrans.

Bus (n.) - 1) A dirty vehicle that never carries passengers and wastes money that could be better used to build more traffic lanes. 2) A moving traffic hazard. 3) A large empty vehicle that never travels anywhere. 4) A mobile billboard. 5) A mobile hotel used by the homeless. 5) {GA} An easy mobile target for graffiti artists. A vehicle designed to carry people but is always almost empty.

Bus Driver (n.) - 1) The idiot driving the bus that is always in my way. 2) That rude guy who makes me pay my fare when I get on a bus that everyone knows is free for me. 3) {GA} A taxpayer paid employee who drives an eight hour shift and requires six hours of breaks during that shift.

Bus Route (n.) - 1) A series of buses that are scheduled to operate along a given routing. These come in three varieties: a) A good route, one that takes me directly from my home to where I wont to go without any stops in between. b) A poor route, a route that takes me mostly where I want to go with making stops for other people. c) A bad route, any route I am never going to take, especially if it runs down my street, {GA} or runs anywhere in my neighborhood if I can hear the bus. 2) A routing for a bus that is never "perfect" for me since it uses a "bus" and doesn't go directly from my house to where I want to go whenever I need it without carrying any other passengers.

Bus Schedule (n.) - 1) The expected time the bus should be at given points along the route. There are two forms of schedules, a) a good schedule is one where I never have to wait for a transfer, and gets me home faster than I could make it in a car. b) a bad schedule, any schedule that is not a good schedule. 2) A recommendation from those idiots in the scheduling department to the drivers as to when they are supposed to operate their bus, can safely be ignored since the drivers know more about all the schedules of all the routes than management does anyway. These also come in two forms, a) a good schedule is one where the driver gets enough layover time. b) a bad schedule is all other schedules. 3) {GA} Printed material that is supposed to allow for planning a trip, but any savvy user should add at least 30 minutes to any listed times on a bus schedule to allow for getting to your destination.

Bus Shelter (n.) - 1) A structure placed at a bus stop so that kids will have some place to practice writing. 2) Temporary housing for drunks and homeless. 3) {GA} Source of advertising revenue for companies specializing in bus shelter advertising. 4) {GA} Place to dump trash from your car while driving around the city. 5) A holder for advertising that serves no useful purpose.

Bus Stop (n.) - 1) A place where passengers can board a bus that is not next to any place I live or work. 2) A place to park my car while I go into a store or bank. 3) An excuse for people to hang out at a certain location to cause problems for the adjacent property owner. 4) A way for the government to harass me by putting one near my house/place of business. 5) An excuse to loiter at a given location. 6) A device used to eliminate parking on the street. 7) {GA} A place to gather all of the trash cans in the neighborhood.

Bus Yard (n.) - 1) A place where buses are gathered together to make vandalism easier. 2) {GA} A great place to get parts for your bus. 3) {GA} An employment facility to assist in justifying transit districts.

Car Registration (n.) - 1) A requirement to own a car that is only imposed so government can collect another tax. 2) {GA} Another method for the state government to track cars coming in from out of state. 3) An extra tax to pay when buying a car.

Car Stereo (n.) - A stereo mounted in a car so that you can listen to your favorite music while driving. Since everyone enjoys the same music you do. Make sure you turn the volume up so that people 100 feet away can hear it.

Carpool (n.) - 1) A group of people, such as Me, Myself and I, who share a car going to and from some location, frequently work. 2) {GA} A legal definition of one person=one person.

Cellular Phone (n.) - A device that allows you to talk to other people. When mounted in a car, must be in constant use.

Coffee (n.) - 1) A beverage, usually served hot, that when spilled on oneself allows you to sue the party that sold it to you. 2) {GA} A substance used by drivers to stay awake on long nights.

Commute Car (n.) - 1) The small van/truck or luxury car that I drive to and from work. 2) The small gas efficient car the other idiots who can't afford a real car drive to and from work. 3) {GA} A vehicle smaller than most and not equipped to enter a freeway at the required speed.

Contractor (n.) - A being with the strength of a gorilla and intelligence of a slug that does work for the highway department or transit district. These are required to work for the lowest bid cost and are always looking for ways to use more money than they bid for, but put the blame for overruns on the contracting agency.

Crosswalk (n.) - 1) An area to park my car while waiting for a traffic signal to change. 2) An area for pedestrians to present themselves as targets for car drivers to aim at. 3) A waste of paint, after all nobody ever walks anywhere. 4) {GA} A place where you practice dodging items in the roadway.

Deadhead (v.) - 1) {GA} The act of moving buses or trains without making money. 2) {GA} The best part of a drivers run since they don't have to deal with passengers.

Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) (n.) - 1) A government agency that exists only to collect money from me because I drive a car. 2) That government agency that never pulls the licenses of idiots who shouldn't be driving cars. 3) Those idiots who pulled my license for some stupid little reason. 4) {GA} An agency set up to assist in getting residents to vote.

Disabled Parking (n.) - 1) A way of creating a parking spot close to the buildings that I can be sure will usually be empty so that I can park there. 2) {GA} Allows the legal use of the disabled placard. See Disabled Placard.

Disabled Placard or license Plate (n.) - A special form of identification issued by the state to a friend that allows you to park in disabled parking places without getting notes from the parking enforcement officers.

DOT (abbr..) - Department of Transportation, a bunch of lazy government leeches who waste money by spending it on things other than highways in my city.

Double Left Turn Lane (n.) - That lane in the center of the road used for passing people who I feel are going too slow.

Double Parking (v.) - 1) A way of parking when there are no spots next to the curb. 2) A way of parking that should be punished by having the cars demolished because they block my driving down the street. 3) {GA} A method of parking that is used by transit buses.

Double Yellow Line (n.) - A line on a road that separates two directions of traffic. Can be safely crossed when passing slow or bad drivers. {GA} Not advised on narrower roads such as Pacheco Pass or the Golden Gate Bridge.

Drive through Lane (n.) - A special window set up at some businesses that allow discrimination against people who don't drive cars.

Driver (n.) - The person operating a motor vehicle. There are two main types of drivers: a) Good Drivers, people who stay out of my way by using other roads. Myself. b) Bad Drivers, everybody else.

Driver's License (n.) - 1) A government plot to force me to pay a tax before I'm allowed to exercise my right to drive. 2) {GA} A method of registering people to keep track of them. 3) {GA} An identification useful for cashing checks. 4) A totally useless government requirement because after all driving is a right.

Driver's Run (n.) - 1) A piece of work performed by a driver. There are two main types of runs: a) A good run; A run that pays 12+ hours of pay for less than 6 hours work without having to do any loading or unloading of either passengers or freight. b) A bad run; anything that is not a good run. 2) What a driver chooses when deciding how much money he wants to earn.

Driving (v.) - 1) Exercising the right to operate an automobile without regard to anybody else. 2) The only way people should get from point a to point b, regardless of the cost or how much time it takes.

DUI (abbr..) - 1) Driving under the influence, a law created to keep good taxpayers from having a few drinks while driving around town. 2) {GA} A phase of driving that is very prevalent on holidays, especially Christmas and New Years. Sometimes referred to as Driving While Intoxicated (DWI).

Express Bus Route (n.) - A route where the driver only has to pick up passengers at one end of the route, then drives a long distance, then drops off passengers at the other end. Passengers never have to be picked up on the drop off end. {GA} These are liked by drivers since there is almost no work to do. 2) {GA} Routes used for testing new buses at higher speeds on expressways and freeways.

Farebox (n.) - 1) Where the passenger puts their fare, only created to make the drivers do work. 2) {GA} A device to extort money from the riding public even though they paid taxes to fund the system. 3) {GA} A place to dump excess pennies when no one else will take them.

*Fares (n.) - 1) The amount of money needed to ride a transit system. Fares come in two forms: a) too low because they don't pay for the cost of the operations. b) too high if I have to pay them.  2) Something that riders are forced to pay when everyone knows that all public transit should be free.  3) Something by which transit districts make the bus drivers do work by having to interact with passengers.

Fast Lane (n.) - 1) The lane on the freeway that you stay in until you are less than 100 feet from your off-ramp. 2) The lane on the freeway that is reserved for my personal use and everyone else had better stay out of, even if they are going faster then me.

Flashing Red Lights (n.) - Signal lights that have been set so that all directions flash red in order to create the maximum amount of confusion among drivers.

Flashing Yellow Lights (n.) - See Flashing Red Lights.

Fog Lamps (n.) - Lights mounted on a car or truck to make it look "cool". These are to be used at all times when you use your headlights, after all, you never know when a fog bank is gonna jump out at you.

Four-Way Stop (n.) - A four-way intersection where all directions have stop signs. Since the other people have to stop it is always safe for you to proceed without stopping.

Four-Wheel Drive (n.) - 1) A type of car that is used to enhance your appeal to people of the opposite sex. These vehicles must never be used on other than paved roads as that will diminish your appeal. 2) A suburban Assault Vehicle.

Free Parking (n.) - 1) A god given right for all drivers, after all why should they have to pay for it. 2) The best use of empty land next to any place I want to go to.

Freeway (n.) - 1) A government subsidized race track for amateur race drivers. 2) A long roadway with areas on either side for dumping unwanted garbage and appliances. 3) {GA} A section of roadway well suited for Express Bus service since no passengers are usually found on freeways, except in Marin or San Mateo County.

FTA (abbr..) - Federal Transportation Authority. Those bloodsucking government workers who waste money funding public transit instead of wisely spending it on building more freeways.

Garage (n.) - A structure attached to a residence and designed for the storage of cars. A Garage is never used for storing your car but rather is used for added living space, laundry room, or guest room. After all why should it be used to store cars when you can always use the street, besides there is too much chance of oil dripping on the pavement inside the garage so it is better to park on the street.

Gas Mileage (n.) - The number of miles your car can go on one gallon of gas, this number is often lied about. Changes in gas mileage is usually caused by stupid government regulations, such as reformulating gas. These almost always cause decreases in the mileage. Drops in mileage is never caused by peoples driving habits.

Gasoline (n.) - 1)  A perfectly safe flammable liquid that is used in cars and should be provided for free by the oil companies since they are so rich.  2)  A fluid required to operate an automobile that should always be sold at such a price that I can fill up my tank, no matter how big, with whatever change I have in my pocket.  3)  A liquid produced by companies that are always gouging the public since it is the most important substance needed to live.

Gasoline Tax (n.) - 1) A tax that punishes me for exercising my right to drive a car. 2) A government plan to force me to pay for what should be free roads. 3) A government plot to force me to pay for public transit that I am never going to use. 4) {GA} A way to fund local transit agencies. 5) A tax that is used to balance the budget by collecting more money than it costs to pay for the roads.

Gawking (v.) - 1) When another driver slows down to look at an accident, construction, etc.. When I do that it is not gawking because it is necessary for safety reasons. 2) {GA} A new spectator sport.

Headlights (n.) - 1) Lights mounted on car to illuminate the roadway in front of your car. They usually have two settings: a) High, these are used to blind oncoming traffic. b) Low, only used when the High setting doesn't work any more. {GA} Also used to try to keep cars from meeting on certain roads in California. 2) A device mounted on cars that are not needed since there are always street lights around to illuminate the road.

Headsign (n.) - That thing on the front of the bus that always seems to say "*^&IU^T%$FU" instead of something like "22 EASTRIDGE".

Heavy Ridership (n.) - A situation that exists when I can't take up 2 or more seats because other people keep getting on my bus or train.

Helmet (n.) - A worthless device that motorcyclists are forced to wear by a fascist government to make them look like dorks.

Highway Department (n.) - 1) A bunch of mindless bureaucrats who can't get a road from my house to where I work without allowing other cars on it. 2) A bunch of mindless construction workers who sit around closing roads that I drive on causing traffic jams. 3) Those idiots who can't fix the potholes in the road. 4) {GA} Those idiots who own the potholes in the road.  4)  Those mindless bureaucrats who lower the value of my house by building a road next to it.

Highway Patrol (n.) - 1) The governments strong arm force to prevent me from driving the speed limit. 2) A bunch of idiots who can't tell how an accident happened. 3) Those nice guys who proved the accident was the other guys fault. 4) Those idiots who try to keep people from driving how they want to.

Highway Sign (n.) - 1) Those big things they put over they highways for putting graffiti on. 2) {GA} Things that fall down when hit by cars, used to protect the highways.

HOV Lane (n.) - Also known as Commuter Lanes. 1) A communist inspired plot to force me out of my car. 2) A way for mindless politicians to raise money by punishing me for driving alone in my car. 3) A way of punishing me because I am too lazy to find someone else to carpool with. 4) {GA} A total waste of land next to the fast lane that can only be used at certain times with certain qualifications. Seems limited to BMWs and Mercedes. 5) A lane that is always empty because they won't let me use it.

Ideal Transit Service (n.) - 1)  Any service that is free, picks me up in front of my neighbors house (after all the bus stop can't be next to mine), and takes me straight to work and drops me off at the front door to my office. This bus must be available when I walk out the door, but not be visible when I don't need it. It must also be around when I need to go to lunch or shopping. The driver must also wait for me if I am in sight of the street the bus operates on, help me with my bags, and never collect my fare.  2)  Any bus service that carries other people so they aren't blocking my car that I never have to see or even possibly think about using.

Inspector (n.) - Those overpaid government bureaucrats who do nothing but get in the way of honest hardworking contractors who know what is best for the contracting agency, even if it is different than the plans.

Intersection (n.) - A government funded bumper cars ride.

Kidpool (n.) - A method of carpooling that should be banned because I can't take advantage of it since I have no kids or my kids don't go to school close enough to where I work.

J-Walking (v.) - The only way for a pedestrian to cross a street. This is never done at a intersection or in a crosswalk due to the danger at those locations.

Layover (n.) - The time between a bus going one direction and the other on a given route. This comes in two basic forms: a) Long enough, this means the driver has enough time to get lunch, go to the bathroom, read the paper and talk with their fellow drivers for a minimum of 30 minutes. b) Too Short, all other layovers are too short.

Light Pole (n.) - Another of those tall things by the side of the road that jump out in front of cars.

Light Rail (n.) - 1) A toy train set up by people who want something to play with. 2) A method of getting cars off the road by ramming them. 3) A small train system set up to delay traffic by blocking streets. 4) A train system that goes nowhere you want, and individual trains have names like pets.

Lowrider (n.) - A car modified in such a way that the lug nuts are above the steering wheel.

Low Ridership (n.) - 1) Any bus or train without a crush load on board. 2) {GA} The ideal situation for riders who need space to work while commuting.

Median Barrier (n.) - 1) A barrier placed in the middle of a highway to prevent idiots from driving across the middle of the road into oncoming traffic. 2) A barrier in the middle of the highway that is placed because on certain roads people can't stay 40 ft. away from oncoming traffic. 3) The major cause of accidents on highways where not installed.

Merging (v.) - The act of trying to force your way onto a road where everyone else is trying to keep you out.

Metering Lights (n.) - 1) A plot by the highway department to slow down my commute by forcing me to stop before entering the highway. 2) A device to slow the other guy down so my Highway commute is faster.

Minivan (n.) - The successful plot by the automobile industry to get the public to buy a stationwagon.

Motorcycle (n.) - A vehicle that is designed to carry a minimum amount of people with a maximum amount of noise.

Moving Violation (n.) - An attempt by government to make me pay extra taxes because I drive the way I want to.

Muffler (n.) - A device mounted on a car that must be removed in order for people to hear your car or motorcycle, and also because it reduces gas mileage.

National Transportation Database [Sect. 15 reporting] (n.) - 1) Reports transit systems are required to file so that mindless bureaucrats in Washington can justify whatever they need to, whether it is their job, or spending levels. 2) Lies put out by transit systems to try and prove they actually do work. 3) {GA} Something to justify work for all those professional transit people.

Necessary Government Spending (n.) - Money spent on projects I like, and that directly benefit me, either in making my life more convenient, or in providing me with a job.

New Car Dealer (n.) - Someone who makes their living by selling junk to the unsuspecting public, especially if they sell American made cars.

Newspaper (n.) - 1) Something to read while waiting at a stop light. 2) {GA} Something to use as an extra seat cushion.

Night (n.) - That time of day when the sky is dark and the traffic speeds up by 20 mph.

NIMBY (abbr..) - Not In My Back Yard, Yes that project is needed, but don't you dare put it anywhere near a location where it might a) be seen by me, b) cause traffic in my neighborhood, c) cause a drop in the value of my house, d) be convenient for me to use.

On-time Performance (n.) - How often the bus or train is early, on-time or late. Early is defined as any bus that leaves a stop before I get there, no matter what the schedule may say. On-time is when the bus or train arrives at the same time I do. Late is any bus or train that makes me wait, no matter what the schedule says. {GA} Higher on-time performance is not a goal that should be set by transit districts.

Overload (n.) - 1) Any condition on a bus or train where I have to have someone sitting in the seat next to mine. 2) Any time even one passenger has to stand on the bus or train, regardless of the number of empty seats. 3) {GA} What occurs on a bus or train after 100 students board at the same time.

Park and Ride Lot (n.) - 1) A total waste of money since every one knows nobody ever rides public transit. 2) A freebie given to public transit users who should be forced to pay for parking there, especially since I have to pay to park at work. 3) A convenient place to pick up spare parts, or a car stereo or two. 4) A parking lot put in so that I can have some place to display my used car that is for sale. 5) A small lot that is used for informal flea markets.

Parking Enforcement Officer (n.) - once called meter maids, a mindless drain on my tax money that is used to raise money by punishing me for parking legally. {GA} Sometimes referred to as a rent-a-cop.

Parking Meter (n.) - A communistic device that forces me to feed change into it all day long in order to park close to where I work. Failure to put change in meter can result in a note left by a parking enforcement officer.

Parking Fines (n.) - A way for cities to make money by persecuting me for parking legally.

Parking Lights (n.) - Lights mounted on a car that are used when it isn't dark enough to need the headlights.

Parking Lot (n.) - 1) A needed place for cars to be stored while not in use. 2) A major waste of space. 3) An excuse to pave over the planet.

Parking Spot (n.) - A place to put a vehicle, either on or off the street. Parking spots come in two varieties: a) A legal parking spot is where I park my car. b) an illegal parking spot is where someone else is parked.

Passenger (n.) - 1) Those things that walk in the door of the bus or light rail that serve no purpose but to slow the bus or train down. 2) Those stupid people that insist on riding the bus or train even though they know it is cheaper to own and drive a car than to ride the bus or train.

Passenger Chime (n.) - A chime that is activated by pulling a cord, or pushing a rubber strip that allows the passenger to play boring music. {GA} Most installations of this equipment is nonfunctional.

Passing Lane (n.) - A lane put in on narrow roads where anyone going slower than I am had better pull over. {GA} These are never installed in any area where they are needed.

Paved Road (n.) - 1) A road with a hard surface that is improperly built so as to later provide a government handout to the construction industry for repairs. 2) {GA} A structure maintained by highway departments to justify their existence and as a place to store their "Potholes".

Pedestrian (n.) - 1) Mobile future road kill. 2) People who insist on slowing down traffic by walking when they could drive there faster. 3) People too stupid or too poor to own a car.

Pickup Truck (n.) - 1) A necessary form of transportation to and from work. After all you never know when you are gonna need to clean out your office. 2) A vehicle to show that the driver is a "Real Man" or a "Real Woman".

Planning Department (n.) - A bunch of clueless losers who don't know that freeways are always better than public transit.

Pothole (n.) - A hole in the street that the highway department put there to damage my car. All potholes should be repaired within 5 minutes of occurring. The only reason they aren't repaired is because the highway department is wasting time causing traffic jams.

Pork Barrel (n.) - 1) Money spent on projects I don't like, or not in my area. 2) Money spent by the government that does not directly benefit me.

Public Highway (n.) - 1) A capitalistic plan to wisely spend tax dollars. 2) A stupid government subsidy to the auto industry. 3) A long parking lot on which cars sometimes move.

Public Transit (n.) - 1) A socialistic plot to waste tax dollars that would better be used to build more roads. 2) The only way anybody should ever travel anywhere.

Pull In (n.) - {GA} When a bus is finally tired or out of fuel and returns to the bus yard.

Pull Out (n.) - {GA} The method of getting a bus out of the yard at the start of the day. For most purposes this means just getting outside the gate.

Pull Out Route (n.) - The way those dummies in management want me to get from the yard to the first stop on the route, even though they know that if they send me another route I will be able to use the bus to stop and get my breakfast, lunch, or dinner without having to do so in my own car.

Pull Out Time (n.) - A loose recommendation as to when I should leave the yard in my bus.  If followed it will not allow me time to stop and pick up my morning donut, coffee, etc.  Can safely be ignored as the schedules are all bogus anyway.

Push Here to Walk (n.) - 1) A button installed on traffic signals to make pedestrians think they might get the walk signal to activate. These never work. 2) A button installed on a traffic signal so that politicians can say "See I got this done for you, now Vote for Me." 3) {GA} A signal phase that can be used to interrupt traffic during rush hour when initiated by the user.

Radar (n.) - A infernal device used by the local Gestapo to raise money by enforcing speed traps.

Rail Transit (n.) - The only form of public transit that should ever exist.  This should replace all bus service no matter what the the cost to build or operate.

Railroad Crossing (n.) - 1) A place where railroad tracks cross the road. As long as a train is not blocking them, it is safe to cross. 2) A structure placed in the road to slow traffic down.

Rearview Mirror (n.) - A make-up mirror installed in a car so you can fix your hair and makeup just in case you meet a potential lover while waiting at a light.

Reckless Driver (n.) - Any driver who gets in my way.

Red Curb (n.) - 1) A way of keeping other people from parking in my parking spot. 2) {GA} Used by buses to stop, thereby taking up places where cars could be parked.

Relief Point (n.) - {GA} Where a bus driver or bus operator turns over the bus or train and all those stupid passengers over to another driver.

Ridesharing (n.) - Taking your kids to school or day care in order to be able to use the HOV lane.

Ridership (n.) - 1) The number of people riding a system. This number is derived by throwing darts at a random number board. 2) {GA} Some agencies used computerized random number generators to create this number.

Right-of-Way (n.) - What I always have on the road. After all I own them so I always have the right to go first.

Road Construction (n.) - 1) An excuse to cause a traffic jam. 2) {GA} A responsibility that lies with CalTrans to justify their existence.

Road Map (n.) - Special printed material that when read correctly aides the user in getting from one place to another. Must always be used when vehicle is in motion.

Road Worker (n.) - The people working for the Highway Department who are experts at causing traffic jams. {GA} Can usually be identified by the orange bull's eye on their persons.

Route Description (n.) - The instructions that tell a bus driver where those idiots in management want them to go despite the fact that the driver always knows what the best route is.

RUCUS (abbr..) - {GA} Run Cutting and Scheduling package: An ancient piece of software used by some districts for maintaining the bus or train schedules. Only operates on an IBM 370 with FORTRAN IV. When used correctly it creates a mess.

Run Cutting (v.) - 1) The fine art of making the drivers do the most work possible for the least amount of pay. 2) That periodic process that is used to punish the drivers by cutting their available pay. 3) The process of cutting pay from the drivers runs, after all, everyone knows that time is never added to the runs.

Safe Following Distance (n.) - Following the car in front by a far enough distance that I can see their rear bumper.

Scheduling (v.) - 1) The process of creating the schedule for a route by driving the route in a Ferrari without stopping for anything. 2) The process of removing running time and layover from a given schedule, after all they never add running time or layover. 3) {GA} A process that has existed for many years but is still not fully computerized. 4) The process of creating bus or train schedules that never work because they have too much time, too little time, and actually tell you when the bus is supposed to be somewhere.

Scheduling Department (n.) - 1) Those idiots in transit management who write the bus schedules. These are usually written in such a way as to make the most work, for the least pay, for a driver, and so that no passenger can ever transfer from one bus to another in less than 1 hour. 2) Those people who write the schedules but never actually ride the system. 3) The dummies who keep cutting running time from the schedule even though the schedule says otherwise. 4) Those stupid idiots who cut the runs so I can't get a run that pays 12 hours of pay every day, with only one hour of actual work. 5) {GA} Usually an overlarge staff that doesn't take external input, and designs schedules to meet their own needs, even if they don't use the service. 6) Those clowns who keep insisting on routing buses where they pick up the most passengers, rather than creating routes that are nice and empty for the drivers.

Seat Belt (n.) - An infernal device being forced on freedom loving drivers by the government.

Shoulder Strap (n.) - That part of the seat belt that is placed behind your body because it ruins your looks when worn the way they say it is to be worn.

Sidewalk (n.) - 1) Additional paved area for me to park my car on. In really heavy traffic it is okay to drive down the sidewalk. 2) A total waste of time and money since they are designed for people to walk on and everyone knows that nobody ever walks anywhere. 3) A structure where pedestrians congregate so that I can hit them with my car. 4) The only place you should be allowed to ride a bicycle.

Signal Synchronization (n.) - A scheme whereby they set the signals so that they will always be green for me. To be properly synchronized, all signals should always be green for me, no matter where or when I am driving.

Siren (n.) - A loud noise mounted on some emergency vehicles so you will know they are coming and can get in their way.

Slow Lane (n.) - The right hand lane on the freeway where everyone going slower than I am better stay.

Smog (n.) - That dirty stuff in the air that is not caused by cars. See air pollution.

Smog Check (n.) - 1) {GA} A contrived process that needs to be done every two years before I can drive my car with a license. Created by the Smog Check industry to bring them never ending business. 2) A totally useless process since everyone knows that my car does not create smog.

Sound Wall (n.) - 1) A structure placed by the side of the highway to keep property values next to the road from dropping by diverting the noise from the road to areas farther away from the road. 2) {GA} A structure the construction of which CalTrans has become expert at.

Speed Bump (n.) - 1) A bump placed in the road for kids to use as a bicycle or skateboard jump ramp. 2) A bump placed in the road to ruin the suspension on my car.

Speed Limit (n.) - The speed I want to do on this road, usually close to the maximum displayed on the speedometer in my car.

Speed Limit Sign (n.) - A warning that there might be a speed trap in the area.

Speed Trap (n.) - Any area where the local law enforcement enforces those signs on the side of the road that have big numbers on them.

Speeder (n.) - Any driver who insists on going faster than I do.

Speeding (v.) - The act of driving faster than I do.

Speedometer (n.) - A device installed on a car that says what the speed limit is. You can also tell how good a car is by how large the numbers on this device go, the bigger the numbers the better the car is.

Sport Utility Vehicle (n.) - The result of a conspiracy by the automobile manufactures to get people to buy station wagons.

Sports Car (n.) - A type of car designed to increase the sex appeal of the driver, the sex appeal is directly proportional to the horsepower and speed of the car, there is an additional bonus for standard transmissions.

Statistics (n.) - Data from which conclusions are drawn. They come in three types: a) Good statistics, anything I can use to prove my point. b) Bad statistics, anything you can use to challenge my point. c) {GA} No statistics, usually used by government agencies, esp. Transit and rail operations, to justify their existence. These are equal to pulling numbers out of the air. See National Transportation Database.

Stop Bar (n.) - A waste of paint that cities keep insisting on painting in the street even though they know nobody ever stops behind it.

Stop Sign (n.) - A sign that warns you there might be cross traffic, can usually safely be ignored, especially if you are on a bicycle.

Street (n.) - 1) A Long paved stretch of ground that is used for disposing of garbage to keep it from collecting in my car. 2) A place to walk when going to and from my car, especially when forced to park there. 3) A long thin parking lot with access down the middle for driving and walking. 4) {GA} A place to move garbage truck through the city.

Streetlight (n.) - A device installed by the government to light the roads, these come in two forms, a) nonfunctional, b) burnt out.

Suburban Assault Vehicle (n.) - Those stupid vehicles that are designed to make it look like the owner is one who likes the wild life and diving where there are no roads, despite the fact that they are never used for such. Also called Sport Utility Vehicles or 4WD Vehicles.

Tailgating (v.) - 1) Following so close to the car in front that you can't see its rear bumper. 2) Other cars following too close behind me, after all I can follow as close as I want, they better stay back.

Taillights (n.) - Lights mounted on the back of a car to make it more visible to other cars. They are usually red, but can be white if broken. They also are used as part of the Turn Signal.

Taxi Cab (n.) - An overpriced form of transportation that is never around when you need it. These are frequently found in mobs at airports and train stations.

Telephone Pole (n.) - 1) A large pole by the side of the road that is known for suddenly jumping out into the road in front of cars and causing accidents.  2) A pole placed by the local phone or power company in order to provide brakes for speeding cars.

Traffic Cone (n.) - Those funny orange things put out by the highway department to be used as target practice by drivers. {GA} Points are awarded for hitting these items. More points are awarded if there are objects on the other side of the cones.

Traffic Engineer (n.) - Some bozo who went to school and got a degree that allows them to create traffic jams.

Traffic Hazard (n.) - Any thing in the road that gets in my way. There are several forms of traffic hazards. a) any car going slower than I am. b) any vehicle I can't see around. c) any highway repair crew.  d) immobile objects that are within 50' of the roadway that my car might hit when they jump out in front of it.

Traffic Jam (n.) - 1) A slow down in traffic caused by a Bus, Truck, Accident, etc.. Traffic jams are never caused by too many cars on the road. 2) {GA} Can sometimes be caused by too many drivers on my roads.

Traffic Lanes (n.) - 1) A plot to force people to conform to some mindless bureaucrats idea of where traffic should be on the road. 2) {GA} A justification for local agencies to buy paint and painting lines.

Traffic Signal (n.) - A device with three or more lights that make recommendations as to movements of cars. These devices exist only to make me waste gas while sitting at them. Green Light - Yes you can go. Amber light - Yes you can go. Red Light - Well, you can probably go but remember, some other guy may have a green light. As long as you saw it turn red you can go. Also used to stop cars so that people can rush out and wash your windows while you wait. Turn Arrow - Yes you can turn. The only good traffic signals are ones that stop traffic that might get in my way.

Train (n.) - A large and very noisy vehicle running on rails that serves no purpose except to slow down traffic by periodically blocking streets.

Trainee Driver (n.) - Fresh lambs for the slaughter.

Training Bus (n.) - A bus used to train new drivers, sorta like putting training wheels on a bike.

Transfer (n.) - 1) Changing from one bus or train to another. There are two forms of transfers: a) Good transfers, this involves no waiting no matter how early or late my bus/train may be. b) Bad Transfers, all other transfers are bad, after all, if they designed the system right I would never have to wait anywhere. Of course if it was really designed right I would never have to transfer at all, no matter where I am going. 2) A form of paying the fare on the next bus or train you ride that is designed to make the driver of the bus you are on now do more work.

Transfer Cutter (n.) - 1) A diabolical device designed to cut transfers in such a way that they can never be used to board another bus or train. 2) A handy device for holding the drivers paddle/schedule.

Transit Information People (n.) - 1) Those dummies in the office who don't know anything about the schedules and as a result always give bad information to the customer calling in for information. 2) {GA} Those people who take your complaints then promptly turn them into paper airplanes.

Transit Management (n.) - The stupidest people you can imagine, after all they can't even put in a bus route where I want it to go. For examples of such, see "Dilbert" by Scott Adams.

Transit Passengers (n.) - 1) The scum of the earth, after all if they weren't they'd be driving a car. 2) Those thieves who are always stealing things and then getting away on the bus/train. 3) Those poor people whose cars are in the shop and only own 1 car per person in the family. 4) People who insist on slowing down bus schedules by getting on the bus. 5) {GA} Homeless people taking advantage of mobile shelters. 6) A nonexistent group of people, after all nobody ever rides transit.

Transportation Funding (n.) - Money spent to aide in transporting goods and people. There are two forms of transportation funding: a) Good, this is money spend on Highways or airports. b) Bad, any money spent on any other form of transportation.

Tree (n.) - 1) A mobile living structure placed in such a way as it either hits a bus, jumps out in front of cars, or blocks the vision of people trying to make sure nobody is going to get in their way. These structures should be eliminated within 100 feet of all roads. 2) A living plant put in by the cities for the sole purpose of making home owners pay more taxes by damaging sidewalks.

Truck (n.) - 1) A large vehicle that exists only to cause traffic delays on the highway. 2) A large vehicle that should be banned from the road because of all the noise they make.

Turn Signal (n.) - A device mounted on a car that is either left on or off, it is never to be used to signal your intention to turn. The approximate age of the driver can be determined by whether the turn signal is on or off. Should never be used to give other drivers a real idea of your intended movements.

Unpaved Road (n.) - 1) Where I drive my car when not on a paved road. 2) An excuse to buy a 4-wheel drive, even if I never drive on them. 3) {GA} Most freeways in California, due to potholes and other pavement failures.

Used Car Dealer (n.) - 1) Well, these are some of the biggest crooks around, after all, only people too poor to buy new cars ever deal with them, and who cares about those people. 2) People who know lots of little old ladies from Pasadena. 3) Those stupid jerks who don't know that my 1972 Pinto is worth $125,000.

Vehicle Code (n.) - 1) The stupid government rules that are supposed to tell me what they think I should be doing on the road. 2) A set of stupid regulations that try to restrict my right to operate a vehicle any way I choose.

Visitor Parking (n.) - Those parking spots close to the door that are always used by employees since nobody ever visits the site anyway. Besides, who's gonna know, they never enforce it anyway.

Voice Annunciator (n.) - 1)  A device that is being installed on a lot of public transit vehicles for the sole purpose of driving the vehicle operator insane.  2)  A device installed on buses to keep anyone who lives within a quarter mile of a bus route awake at night by constantly announcing where the bus is not going.

Walking (v.) - A form of transporting oneself to and from your car.

Wheelchair Lift (n.) - An infernal device installed on buses that serves no purpose except to delay the bus and make the driver do more work.

Window (n.) - 1) What you roll down so you can throw your garbage out of the car. 2) {GA} The only way to stay cool on buses during the summer. 3) When rolled down allows you to hang your cigarette but out side so that the ash will fall in the street rather than make your as tray dirty. Also convenient for throwing the cigarette butt out when done smoking.

Windshield (n.) - A mobile fly swatter.

Yellow Curb (n.) - A way of limiting how long other people can park in my parking spot.

Yield Sign (n.) - A stupid sign that is only installed to provide a government job for someone who would better be working in a burger bar.

If you take this seriously, I'm sorry, but you probably need to be locked up somewhere, probably a padded room.

Credits: {GA} = Gary Araki All others are mine.

(If you come up with additions/modifications, send them to me and I'll consider making the changes, and giving credit/blame where it is due.)

Eric Rosenberg

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