Wankers!, Jack Basil, Concrete Press, August 1998

[edited slightly as Concrete Press did not do this!]

Australia's most notorious masked criminal was always Ned Kelly. Now Melbourne's TISM are proving that when it comes to masked mayhem they can throw their weight around like a Sumo. Gearing up for a tour with Regurgitator, Jack Basil recounts his brush with the mighty Ron Hitler Barassi in all its unheavenly glory.

RHB: Now what's Concrete Press mate is that a street mag?

CP: It certainly is a street mag. From Newcastle.

RHB: Oh yeah right, very nice up there. Is that a very big surfy area?

CP: Mate, yeah pretty coastal and surf orientated

RHB: Yeah, yeah, it's a bit of a worry. Now were you a surfy when you were younger Jack?

CP: I was a wannabe surfer man, I was down there with my fibre glass board under my arm and I've got so many fin chops in my leg

RHB: (laughs) Well, I think TISM is the band for the wannabe surfies. I'm really, like you know, surfies, surfies are so wonderful you know, you got the board, you got the blonde hair, the chicks, the beach, the freedom, you know the waxing, the whole, you know, lifestyle of surfing is so wonderful, but blokes from TISM can not only not swim but are quite scared of the ocean... "Greg The Stop Sign" was a wannabe beach song. It's the beach song for the people who can't swim. You know we're the surfers with, with floaties out there when we're surfing, you know. You know how there's all that surfing terminology, I don't know what it is but it's like when they say, they don't say there's nice waves do they...

CP: Nah, they go "it's 1.5 metres breaking of the point and glassy".

RHB: Give me, give me surfing terminology Jack.

CP: It's looking pretty gnarly out there, really glassy, 1.5 metres off shore wave, just tubing off it's head mate.

RHB: Just what?

CP: You want to get out there, get out there boys, just get there

RHB: (laughs) Fantastic!

CP: You know the Beach Boys - only one of those guys could actually surf - and they call themselves the Beach Boys? So I suppose as far as TISM goes you're not too far behind.

RHB: That's right you know, the Beach Boys of course presented themselves not only as surfies but as all-American boys, but the truth behind that is it was a freaky bunch of drug taking Satanistic dysfunctional family types, you know.

CP: Exactly, and that's why we love them.

RHB: Yeah exactly. Jack, I do think the realisty of the Beach Boys is the reality of America itself, it's the difference between, it's the "Jung face" nature of the American -

CP: It's the jungest face of the what?

RHB: "Jungest face" mate, it's a surfing term, you look out there you go it's tubing off its head, screaming off it's guts, it's a really jungy face exploration of the socio-economic influences on latter-day 20th Century capitalism. You can see all those surfies out there sitting at the beach going "Yeah mate I do think that Freud's analysis of the dynamics of the dysfunctional family was a real gnarly influence but..."

CP: Actually, you might not be aware that four time world surfing champion Mark Richards is a Novocastrian and happens to run a surf shop almost directly across the road from the illustrious Concrete Press offices. MR, as the locals call him, was having a chat to me over the countre the other day saying he really wants to dispel Freudian psychology for the ocean focusing mainly on a Jungian approach.

RHB: Well, top marks to MR - Jungian is, I think, has the big advantage of better offshore swells. I don'w know, Jungian psychology is far less glassy... actually is being glassy a bad thing or a good thing?

CP: Glassy is a great thing.

RHB: Is it, I thought it would imply a flat ocean, a glassy flat ocean, but no?

CP: It implies that the face of the wave is nice and smooth - glassy. The more ripples you have on the wave, the more wind chopped it is and the sloppier it gets. When there's swell, no wind or a light offshore breeze it's considered glassy.

RHB: I'm with you... then yes, I agree, Jungian psychology is extremely glassy, I think it's been proved more and more you know. Penis envy is a sloppy and choppy concept I think, I don't know though, I've certainly got penis envy, when I see people with nice big penises you know TISM are a band of small, very, very small penised men. You know TISM actually want to do a porn, you know, you watch the "I Might Be A Cunt But I'm Not A Fucking Cunt" video clip with a sort of parody of those porn things, but if you watch a real porn film and you know there seems to be certain constants in it, one of them is that the guys can go for 20 minutes without coming. And the second is they've got huge fucking gnarly baby arms knobs, you know. So, TISM really want to do a porno full of very, very average dick men who come after about thirty seconds.

CP: And what would you call it?

RHB: I don't know, Citizen Kane or something. And you know the conventions of the porn film is that they spend the first minute or so setting up the dramatic situation, eg the executive walks in the office and the girl walks in and she's the secretary and she's fussing around at the filing cabinet, and they have those really bad, excruciating bits of dialogue before they get their clothes off... well on the TISM porn movie we want to have a whole set of the bad dialogue bits but no sex. eg she bends down and he goes "all right baby give me the file" and she comes over and goes "do you want a big long hard file" and he goes -

CP: I want the bastard file! I want the bastard file!

RHB: Yep, yeah that's it... and she gives him the file and walk out and that's it, the end.

CP: Great!

RHB: The only problem with Citizen Kane I felt was that there was no knockers in that film, I think they should have a warning on that film " warning no knockers", no there should actually be a warning, "warning explicit plot development occurs in this film".

CP: Being an erstwhile short penised man myself I'd thought that TISM would have locked onto the Jeff Stryker Love Pump!

RHB: What?!

CP: Jeff Stryker is a big porn star from America, 11 inch schlong etc... and he's got this pump you can "pump your love muscle to its fullest potential and more!"...

RHB: The Jeff Stryker Love Pump... Jesus Christ, you people in Newcastle, fucking hell I knew you had bad lives but that's really bad....

CP: Well the bad thing is we share one between five guys.

RHB: That's fantastic, I can just see all these circle of disinfected, you know Steve Biddulph who wrote that Manhood book...

CP: Kinda.

RHB: He should go up to Newcastle and sort of start a men's group, and it would be all about getting bigger penises and having more girls to suck your dick. Yeah, yeah I reckon he should release a love pump himself, The Steve Biddulph Penis Extension, you know, cause I reckon Steve comes on as a guy who is in touch with his own femininity...

CP: Yeah he does indeed.

RHB:... and that's just because he's got a huge fucking schlong mate, it's all very easy for your fucking 12 inch schlong blokes to go on about how in touch they are with themselves and let's talk about emotion cause you know when it comes down to crunch time the girls just go "wow give me some deep dicking", very much harder for us guys who have small penises and can't even own guns to cover it up these days.

(in the background of the CP offices... "Go Tigers")

RHB: What was that?

CP: Oh there is a young dreadlocked man that we share this office with here at Concrete Press called Andrew "Mugga" McAllister, who just yelled out Go Tigers, Go Tigers.

RHB: He doesn't mean the Balmain Tigers does he?

CP: No, he's talking about the Richmond Tigers.

RHB: Not Rugby. I would like to personally challenge every reader of Concrete Press who likes Rugby League to stay out there with Regurgitator, you can line up outside and I'll beat the living daylights out of every one of youse... what a ratshit stupid ball net cauliflower eared dumb game... youse have got that stupid... Mate Against Mate, State Against State... the State of Origin...

CP: Exactly, the Origin!

RHB: Charles Darwin, State of Origin of the Species. No wonder he's up for survival of the fittest. I would like to say I couldn't give a rat's arse about Melbourne Storm, this new stupid Melbourne -


RHB: Oh big deal, Melbourne Storm, here's another bloody thing that deeply, deeply offends me Rugby League, Melbourne gets a team and they call it The Storm, so bloody American... Americana...

CP: Don't you go on about Americana Mr Hypocrite

RHB: I'm not!

CP: What's that spoken word thing on the CD, how's the American accent on that mate?

RHB: The spoken word thing -

CP: Yeah!

RHB: American accent, but no, that's deeply mocking satirical -

CP: Ah, deeply mocking satirical, that's what the Storm are, deeply mocking satirical...

RHB: Yeah, I can tell that the blokes from Melbourne Storm are very much into satire and I think the Melbourne Storm people are worried about there's a lack of social satire in Australian culture and I think the boys are...

CP: There it is, the Melbourne Storm

RHB: The Melbourne Storm are filling the ball there

CP: Indeed

RHB: The only good thing is that rugby player who went off to England for god's sake, I bet he's got a very small penis...

CP: Haumono

RHB: Yeah, whatever his name is he went off to England after that chick...

CP: He did

RHB: I think he should have a talk to Steve, send him some of your Newcastle Love Pumps mate he wouldn't have to go off to London, fucking hell. My advice to this guy is drop the attitude and jerk off, for god's sake, play rugby and jerk off mid week, that's Ron Hitler Barassi's training schedule...

CP: (laughs) Wednesday nights, Thursday night wanking sessions

RHB: That's right, Love Pump night.

CP: Love Pump night down at Solomon Hamono's house.

RHB: It's very easy for someone from Victoria like me to slag off Rugby League. Rugby Union I've got a little bit of time for, that seems all right, but Rugby League is beyond the pale. They're all so pumped up, who's the bloke for Newcastle that's on fucking drugs but got off on a technicality?

CP: Robbie O'Davis, well he's been suspended but the club are going to keep him.

RHB: Well obviously he's been taking drugs then. That cocky yobbo Aussieness, that's the steroid he's been on.

CP: Yeah, he's on Yobbo steroids.

RHB: Exactly, he's on yobbo roids... he could punch up every surfer in Newcastle with one hand tied behind his back couldn't he?! You know I've heard there is that "surfer versus rugby player" type of gang warfare up there.

CP: No, I think what happens is that there is a man they call god and it's MR and no one touches him, four times world surfing champion, you wouldn't dare raise your fist, I don't care if you're a Newcastle Knight, a Sydney Swan or a TISM short penised wanker.

RHB: But, is there not a certain nature loving, long haired curly femininity about surfing... that rugby players would surely want to just punch the living daylights out of them?

CP: Yeah mate, every weekend at the Jolly Roger.

RHB: Yeah, so that's good there is a bit of tension between your surfer and your rugby player.

CP: It sort of goes like this, "Fuck off mate", and then "You can get fucked" and that's about it.

RHB: That's good isn't it, that's pretty fighting, like you say Melbourne Storm are the biding social satirists of Melbourne comedy, yeah that was a great bit of dialogue there. Yeah mate, garn' get fucked! Classic Australiana!

CP: Yeah, they call that Novocastrian male bonding.

RHB: That's fantastic - "Fuck off mate, Yeah You Garn Get Fucked" by Steve Biddulph, his new book... It's great those conversations, I used to be, I still stand there frigid with fright and scared shitless of yobs, you know how easy it is to offend a yob, especially hard core yobs.

CP: What, look at them...

RHB: Yeah, it's easier to offend them than someone from One Nation. All you have to do is be wearing the wrong clothing or standing the wrong way and they go "Do you want a go mate?"

CP: Want a go?

RHB: Want a go? It's so loaded, it's pregnant with violence.

CP: It's kind of confusing for the young adolescents, 'cause when I was a kid "have a go" meant can I have a go of your bike...

RHB: Yeah, exactly, but in adulthood and in the musky beer soaked halls "you want a go" is like "Do you want to go outside so I can punch your fucking teeth out then in a good old Aussie tradition we'll have a drink in the spinal ward later". So you can see what I mean [by] it's so pregnant with violence and all that sort of stuff. I'm glad to see it actually because the images of Newcastle we get down here is there's this dying industrial wasteland full of gloomy pimply faced stupid youths who can't cut it in the modern global economy. But it's good to know that a few good old Aussie tradition are still alive there. The xenophobia of violence - the idealising brutality. What I think they should do is put a huge fence around Newcastle and keep it as a historical them park, then all us trendy pencil neck cappucino drinking dips from Sydney and Melbourne can sort of get bus trips through there going "this was what it was like in Australia 20 years ago", that would be fucking fantastic - you could go to the Jolly Roger and see a real pathetic staged fight between the surfers and the rugby players, you could go to, I don't know, some abandoned warehouse and there's a cirlce of teenagers using the Love Pump, there must be a whole lot of glue sniffing there?

CP: Coal sniffing, there's not enough glue.

RHB: (laughs) I can just see all the, you know, poverty stricken, Newbicostian... what is it?

CP: Novocastrian, Novo's.

RHB: They'd be sniffing their glue sticks, that you get at school and they'd be sniffing there for hours, fuck nothing's happening yet boys... this stick is giving me the shits, it's gone up my nostril...

CP: Let's go back to eating Perkins Paste, that's heaps better

RHB: What's Perkins Paste, I've never heard of it...

CP: Of course you have, think back to primary school, the little purple tub and the lid was white and you used to peel the lid off and the lid was actually stuck down into the paste. It tasted great, I used to eat it all the time.

RHB: Fucking hell mate, a bit of a new social problem, maybe we should ring up bloody A Current Affair or something...

CP: Perkins Paste, you sure you didn't have Perkins Paste down there?

RHB: ... it's a new one for me. I've learnt so much from this chat, Jack, I've learnt glassy, it's tubing off its head, floppy and choppy and now I've learnt Perkins Paste, and of course the Love Pump thing.

CP: And the Jeff Stryker Love Pump, it's better to buy it out of the back of People magazine, the shops add on a lot of fucking mark up...

RHB: I've learnt a lot. I'm going to get a Love Pump for the boys from TISM for our next rehearsal. We're playing with Regurgitator, we certainly want bigger dicks than them.


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