Bridgette ascended the stairs whilst the crows nestled, soundlessly silhouetted against the coming evening dark. The Mezzogiorno was as poor as ever. And you are sad? You! Sadness... well, you cannot begin to know.
THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO T.I.S.M.
I think it's probably fair to say that most BEAT readers are undergoing or have undergone some form of post-secondary education. To those who haven't T.I.S.M. say "Get Lost", but if you have, then you can be rest assured (sic) that it's highly improbable that you're as well educated as us.
It is to you that we direct our attention. Please peruse the following selection:
T.I.S.M. "How To" Books:
1. How to Eat Vegetarian and Still Slaughter Animals
(in the "Altruism and Sociobiology" series, O.U.P. 1972)
Comes in imitation seal pup cover and with a large wooden box with a dead seal in it.
2. How to Levitate For at Least Three Seconds
(Basil Blackwell and sons, Quambatok, 1979)
N.B. For this course to be successful you must have access to the top floor of a very large public building.
T.I.S.M. GUIDE BOOKS
1. THE T.I.S.M. GUIDE TO GIRLS - O.U.P., London, 1972
Girls are demeaning to women. They are produced in lots of three dozen by the owners of "Inflation" and "Chasers" and are powered by Ouzo and raspberry cordial. They get a little drunk and think a lot of themselves, and then grow ugly.
2. THE T.I.S.M. GUIDE TO FIST FIGHTS
(Loeb "Zen Classics" b MCLXVIII)
A fist fight should never be attempted except in the following cases:
(i) You and two friends armed with broken beer bottles have found Jon Bon Jovi standing alone at 11.45 p.m. at Westall station.
(ii) You just want to kick some turds head in.
3. THE T.I.S.M. GUIDE TO CLUBS
(Offprint from "Puematology Today!" forthcoming)
Clubs exist so that people can go there and say how much they hate it.
4. THE T.I.S.M. GUIDE TO SENSELESS NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST
(Penguin Classics, Anniversary edition, March 1987)
An unreservedly admiring critique of the concept.
5. THE T.I.S.M. GUIDE TO BOGANS AND MODS
(Calliper Press, Quambatok, 1986)
Social commentary on the issue currently dividing the rich from the poor. Includes interview with well known Bogan band "Not Drowning Waving".
6. THE T.I.S.M. GUIDE TO VIOLENCE
(Reprint from "Readers Digest" special edition: "Quambatok on $3 a day")
Comes in the form of two housebricks, instructions and Morrisey facsimile penis (as the real one could not be authenticated)
7. THE T.I.S.M. GUIDE TO NOT REPEATING YOURSELF
(Routledge and Kegan Paul, Cambridge (quite close to Quambatok)
Printed in two identical volumes.
OK, so there we have it. I was going to direct you to the T.I.S.M. "No Obligation, No Repayment" finance plan, but as you have managed to get to Uni you wouldn't need it. I don't know if you're flushed with success but I am. There's no saying what'll happen next. The crows fly away in pairs. At the top of the stair-well, Bridgette casts her gaze down to the glittering scene below her. How rich! How magnificent for a girl of her background! The dancers stopped and applauded the orchestra, and she turned to go with tears in her eyes. There is no escaping the Messogiorno.
