On this page we have posted thoughts and suggestions from those who have already made the transition.

Get a businesslike letter of recommendation from your supervisor before leaving  “This person has been in our  _________ department.”  Supervisor should be prepared to receive calls “She wanted to explore different avenues” (Agree with supervisor what she’s going to say.) Talk to psychologist to get things out of your system. It may feel like a demotion going out into the world , but it's not. Stay away from opposite sex for a year.  Get yourself together first.  No touching. Update your wardrobe.  No one dresses like monks or nuns. Lots of people talk about TV shows.  Don’t be afraid to say you don’t watch TV. Consider keeping your job as an employee for a while – perhaps take two weeks off in between. Talk with Bro. Bhaktananda.  He’s a great help. You will survive, and you will thrive.  4/15/2001  

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 Psychological counseling is important and I think the best way is for those who leave to be able to contact and share with those who have left earlier. It does help to talk things through.  5/1/2001

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 I was not prepared for making major life decisions as I had many years of having decisions made for me.  It was a struggle to keep a sense of perspective and to understand that really everything is OK, I don’t need to have a perfect “plan” and am not required to make “error-free” decisions on the spot.  I am learning to open up to new possibilities and new levels of trust and self-acceptance.    5/4/2001

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“Sometimes we live in ways that are too small, and in places that focus and develop only a part of who we are.  When we do, the life in us may become squeezed into a shape that is not our own.”

 The quote is from “My Grandfather’s Blessings” by Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. which I highly recommend, along with her other book, “Kitchen Table Wisdom.”  Both were reviewed in the SRM.  6/16/2001

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It is wonderful to share what one is going through and offer "advice." But for God's sake remember that everyone is different, and unless this makes you very comfortable, don't necessarily lock yourself into too many rules, fear-based hesitations, timetables for exploring relationships, etc.  You never know what life has in mind for you now.  6/16/2001

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At first, I could only take in information in bits and pieces. Too much information was overwhelming. I hadn’t used the parts of the brain dealing with finance, career choices, taxes and interest rates for many years. Plus things had become much more complicated “out there” than when I entered the ashram.  

What compounded everything was the fact that I was still in the ashram while doing the research and trying to make decisions. Dealing with the emotional issues of leaving, plus trying to figure out if I would be able to survive out there created a situation where I could only absorb information in small increments. I found I needed to talk with people a lot, just to process my feelings. There is so much to deal with. When you only make $40.00 a month for years, it creates a scarcity consciousness that is hard to overcome. 

All of this creates tremendous anxiety and confusion. What really helped me more than anything was when others affirmed me. I needed to hear over and over again that I could do it, that I would make it out there and to just take one step at a time. Taking practical steps with the help of a mentor is also a way of alleviating the stress. Also, just going out and doing something fun with others who know what you are going through is very therapeutic.  

There are a lot of guilt and fear issues around leaving. Some of the major issues that monastics have to process, either consciously or unconsciously:  

The first step for me was to write the above list and see how much of this was true for me. Talking with others was helpful as it helped give a perspective. I needed to learn all over again how to trust my instincts – my mind and emotions kept wanting to get in the way. Journaling was very helpful in getting clarity into what was really going on inside of myself. 

Someone told me that confusion was when you have clarity but are not ready to deal with it yet. This is what was happening to me. It was obvious what direction I was going in, I was taking concrete steps, I was getting very clear information from journaling, others were giving me feedback, but still I found myself very confused and kept needing time to think about it. It was a process and I needed to go through it at my own pace. I really appreciated the patience and understanding of those who helped me through it.

There is also the overwhelming grief of leaving a lifestyle that you had intended to dedicate your life to. The bonds of friendships that you develop with fellow monastics are very, very deep. The whole process of leaving leaves one feeling emotionally drained. Or as one person put it: it is like getting a divorce, loosing your home, your job and your family all at once.  

There is nothing like the support, kindness and love of those who are helping with the process – both on the outside and inside. It can make all the difference between getting on your feet right away or taking years to heal.  9/20/2001

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Please Contact Us to share your experience with others.  All entries are anonymous.